rluv Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Hello - my situation is as follows, and I think it may be fairly common, given the number of single moms out there. I have been dating my BF for over 8 months now, and we have spent a LOT of time together, several days a week, every weekend, etc. A few months ago, a single mom and her daughter moved in. Her daughter comes over and plays with my BF's two small little girls, and over the months they have had an increasing presence. My BF's father recently passed away, and I house sat for about a week. The night he returned, I came by after work to see him. She was there in the kitchen (just her, w/o her daughter), and would not leave for a while!! I said to myself, "Uh, I haven't seen my man in over a week, I would kind of like to spend time with him." But I have been nice to her. She then said to me in his kitchen, I saw you over here all week, I'm surprised you didn't go with him." Very snide. I thought, you saw me over here all week, and you didn't visit me, but the minute my BF pulls in the driveway, you beat me to it and are in his kitchen. The reason I'm writing is THIS: my BF's other daughter, who's older and in college, is in town. I work for a charitable consignment store, and had mentioned it earlier when she was over to his house (again). So my BF said he would visit me there yesterday. He came to check it out yesterday, and I said "Hello" - and then he said she was on her way. He then explained she came over to his house to ask for the address, and I think the only reason she came yesterday was because she knew he was coming, and she coincidentally came at the same time he was. THEN, he said she would be coming over to his house later with a cake, and they would be having a party for her daughter (it was her daughter's b-day)! I told my BF that I thought she was taking her daughter to a museum that day? I was not happy. I then got ready to leave my consignment store, and I her in the store, them talking together. After all these months, my radar just hit the roof, and I left in a huff. He then left me a voice mail that I was really rude!! Later that evening, she came over with a huge beautiful cake, and they had the party, presents. My BF even took pictures!! It felt like a real family affair. She says that she can't have the party over at her house because her kitchen table is too small??!?!?? I had tried to tell him that I feel it's all about messages. My radar is going off the charts, as I feel she has a thing for him. She is a single mom, and he is a handsome guy, nice house, nice job. I don't blame her for being attracted. I told my BF that perhaps by doing all these things, he might be sending the wrong message. My point is THIS: I also tried to tell him it was a tad inappropriate, having a single mom over in front of your girlfriend (!), going all out for them, I felt disrespected and a little humiliated. When I talked to him about it, he said, "They're over there, all by themselves. They don't have anyone." He said he had no romantic interest, and then he got angry, and said, "That's just the kind of guy I am!!" So he was basically telling me I have to take it or leave it. ??? I wanted her daughter to have a happy birthday naturally, but I am ready to leave it. Am I insane to feel it was over the line/inappropriate and disrespected??
melodymatters Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 That was a little hard to read, it's best to cut your posts into paragraphs. But, YES that is too close to comfort for me. And I usually trust my gut, so if your radar is going off...well there might be something to it. Mostly it just seems rather disrespectful on his part to not consider your feeling at ALL. R's take compromise and I don't see him making any. Some people might be fine with all this, but personally I wouldn't. And YES, she does like him. No chick does the kind of things she's doing unless she's way into the guy.
Author rluv Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Thanks, you are right, I appreciate it. To not realize what having a single mom in his life, no matter what the intent, going all out for them on occasion, makes me feel is insensitive and disrespectful. He has displayed other disrespectful behavior, but going all out for her and holding the party, taking picture, etc., felt like a slap in the face. I just stood there, and they were all happy. I just had to swallow it for the moment. But I left his house shortly after the party, and now we are not talking, which is fine with me. It still hurts, though. Thanks again.
carhill Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Guys are idiots. I've seen this so many times...and succumbed to it a couple, so I'm no saint. Your choice.....kill him with kindness or take a hard line. I'd probably give him some alone time to consider his options and the consequences of his current actions. Is this a pattern for him? Being laid back, easy going and "she's just a friend in need" type of guy? Classic ego-feeder personality, at the minimum, IMO. I've been that way in weak emotional moments but I don't get the sense that your BF is at a low point in his life. Try breaking responses into paragraphs...much easier to comprehend all the details....oh, good, thanks for that.
melodymatters Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 After an 8 month relationship now your not talking ? How long has it been ? Don't be surprised if you find out he and Ms singlemother are an item now. At least you'll know you weren't nuts or a b*tch after all ! Find someone who puts YOU first, not some neighbor or whatever !
SoleMate Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Oh yeah....the "my kitchen table is too small" business can quickly lead to "my bed is cold and lonely". Your bf is definitely over the line in not seeing how she's throwing herself at him. HOWEVER...obvious anger and huffiness is NOT the right way to deal with it. It makes you look bad. I would recommend just letting your bf know what you can and cannot accept, and then let the chips fall where they may. It is really up to YOU to inform him CLEARLY what you can live with...it is up to HIM to decide what he will do. Don't try to FORCE him to behave. Just let him KNOW and DECIDE. Good luck!
melodymatters Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Oh yeah....the "my kitchen table is too small" business can quickly lead to "my bed is cold and lonely". Your bf is definitely over the line in not seeing how she's throwing herself at him. HOWEVER...obvious anger and huffiness is NOT the right way to deal with it. It makes you look bad. I would recommend just letting your bf know what you can and cannot accept, and then let the chips fall where they may. It is really up to YOU to inform him CLEARLY what you can live with...it is up to HIM to decide what he will do. Don't try to FORCE him to behave. Just let him KNOW and DECIDE. Good luck! That is GREAT advice for all aspects of all relationships ! Thats how I do it too: I have my own lines in the sand: you do what you wish and I will make my decision from there !
Author rluv Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Yes, thanks for the perspective. I think it has a lot to do with his ego, feeling good about being there for her, fulfilling something a man should do. However, I am not going to be part of the picture if he has these needs to be fulfilled. If he cannot see how it felt for me to have him host this single mom's party for her daughter at his house, how that was over the line, how it made me feel disrespected as his girlfriend (I surely didn't feel like his girlfriend at the party), then I am more than ready to move on. No man is worth fighting over. Thank you again.
Author rluv Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 I more than agree; I reacted badly, but I was angry to see the two of them together, her timing her visit the same time he would be there. I think most people would feel some outrage at this situation, out of frustration, hurt and confusion. But I tried to explain how it made me feel; we will have some distance between us now, I'm sure, as we usually talk at least twice a day, sometimes three times a day. When we do talk, I will tell him what I can and cannot accept. He has to have boundaries if I am important to him, the lady in his life. I am not worried about the consequences, because I do not want to tolerate more scenarios like this. Thank you.
carhill Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Now, absent communication, give him some time to reflect upon those words without your presence. A mature man can make healthy choices. I wish you well
You'reasian Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 She is a single mom, and he is a handsome guy, nice house, nice job. I don't blame her for being attracted. I told my BF that perhaps by doing all these things, he might be sending the wrong message. My point is THIS: I also tried to tell him it was a tad inappropriate, having a single mom over in front of your girlfriend (!), going all out for them, I felt disrespected and a little humiliated. When I talked to him about it, he said, "They're over there, all by themselves. They don't have anyone." He said he had no romantic interest, and then he got angry, and said, "That's just the kind of guy I am!!" So he was basically telling me I have to take it or leave it. ??? I wanted her daughter to have a happy birthday naturally, but I am ready to leave it. Am I insane to feel it was over the line/inappropriate and disrespected?? Do you feel the need to chase? Its funny how we can live our lives with well deserving, wonderful, potential mates right under our noses - but some of us chose those whom are hard to catch? My suggestion: let the guy know you had a great time at the birthday party and move on
Author rluv Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 I didn't feel the need to chase, because although I voiced my being uncomfortable and hurt about the situation (which I had no choice or involvement in, i.e., the party), I DID leave early, right after the party, and he has called me today, but I haven't returned his call. I am not ready to talk to him. I appreciate your suggestion - how fierce! I simply want him to know how disrespected the whole situation made me feel, and if he doesn't see it that way, I am taking your prescription and moving on.
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