Boyfriend is abusive and I want out, but don't know how!

[Shellie41]

I have been with my boyfriend for going on 2 years. At first things were great. We used to get along so well and I thought he was the sweetest guy. WEll, the past year, he has gotten really out of control. I found out that he cheated on me, but we worked through that and got back together. Then after that he started acting a lot different.

 

It's like he will ask me to have sex with him whenever he feels like it and if I say no he gets all mad and says "well, f*ck you, b*tch" and stuff like that. It really hurts my feelings when he says stuff like that to me.

 

And the other day I was at his house and he was talking over the phone to a friend of his. The friend, I guess, was asking him to go to a club with him that night and my BF was like "No, if I go then I will have to hear all of Shellie's damn B*itching". He is always saying stuff like that.

 

And when we go out to eat, I can't ever order what I want because if I do he will say "You're to fat to order that, have a salad". So I just have to eat salads. I have lost like 30 lbs over the past 6 months because I won't eat in front of him.

 

And God forbid we ever get into an argument, all hell breaks loose. He always tells me that there are tons of girls who would love to have him and I better thank my lucky starts that he puts up with my sh*t and that I couldn't do any better than him.

 

He makes me feel ugly and stupid all the time, especially in front of his friends. When we do go out, he tells me what to wear and if he doesn't like what I have on, I have to change. If I ever talk to another guy even a friend's boyfriend, he goes balistic and starts saying things like "Oh, so I guess you want to f*ck him don't you?" and calls me a whore and stuff.

 

I really am starting to want out of this relationship, but I am afraid of what he will do to me. He really goes psycho sometimes. What can I do to end this hell I am going through??

[Ryan]

Starting?

 

Just go. No reason is even necessary. Break any and all ties - it's time to start anew. Then seek some counseling....you need to figure out why you chose an abuser (he didn't become that way during your relationship) and tolerated it for more than a second.

[Shellie41]

But Ryan I am afraid that he will ruin my life if I break up with him. I am afraid that he might physically hurt me. He is very controlling. Even if he didn't, he would trash my name all over town. I know it. I want to have a clean break from him, but I know how he is and I don't think he will take it so lightly. Most of all, I don't want to end up in the hospital from a beating. He has hit me before.

 

One time he got so mad at me. He was in a jealous rage and he thought that I was going to go out and cheat on him, so he put tape over my mouth, and tied me to the bed and I had to stay like that until he got back after a night of partying. That was such hell! I was so helpless and was really scared for my life. After he got back and untied me, he was crying and apologizing and telling me how much he loved me.

 

He really crazy, I don't know what to do.

[Ryan]

I am afraid that he will ruin my life if I break up with him.

 

He's already ruining it.

 

I am afraid that he might physically hurt me.

 

So go where he isn't and stay there. Get a restraining order. Take it seriously. You can stay around this fellow and live in fear...or take control and go elsewhere. There's a reason we have a society.

 

Do you have any male friends? I think they'd be interested in knowing of this fellow's behavior. Most guys are willing to stand up for a woman.

[2SidestoStories]

Agreeing with Ryan on all points, but have my own addition:

 

You have the strength and courage to do this. You recognize the truth of his actions, and you can, must, and WILL leave.

 

Suggestions I have aside from just leaving, because I know all too well how difficult it can be, include reaching out to your friends. You mentioned a "Shellie" in your post. Reach out to her. There is nothing to be ashamed of, but you MUST go now.

[Shellie41]

2SidestoStories:

 

I am Shellie. That's me. Maybe you misunderstood. I don't have a lot of close friends because my boyfriend drove them all away. And my parents, well, I don't have a good relationship with them. It's all very hard and confusing.

[2SidestoStories]

Sorry I did misunderstand the name thing!

 

But...the whole idea is you have to stop making excuses for yourself and just buck up and get the heck out. What seem like 'reasons' for staying are nothing short of reasons for him to continue treating you miserably! You CAN do this.

[Nazima]

Definitely get a restraining order. You must protect yourself from this abuser. Call the domestic violence hotline in your area, they can give you advice and support, perhaps help relocate you if necessary. Carry a cell phone with you, call 911 whenever he gets violent. This will help to show that there is a pattern of abuse and will show the courts what an abusive person this man is. You are important, too important to allow this to go on any longer. Stand up and take charge of your own life, he can only hurt you as much as you allow him to. Do not worry about what other people say, they are not in your situation. Get away from him as soon as you can, do not believe his apologies, he is only trying to control you. Remember you are not at fault here, he is the one with the problem. Take care of yourself and get all the help you can.

[jenny]

ok. if you tell me where you are from and i will look up the local women's shelter organization and send you the contact info.

 

i understand your concern about growing physically abusive and then trashing you name, especially in a small town.

 

what a women's shelter group can help you do is leave with situation immediately and calmly. they can help you find a place to sleep, and food to eat, until you stand on your own feet again. which you will! they often also offer counselling as well and can refer you to job programs. when faced with a man like this, you need an organization behind you if you don't have family or friends to turn to.

 

you are doing the right thing by contacting someone about this problem. if you go to school, see the counsellor there TODAY. she can refer you to the right people, or look up your local women's organizations - again, i will help you do that if you'd like.

 

now that you have clearly identified the problem, you must take action. you deserve better. if you stay with him any longer, you are agreeing to this treatment. i used to volunteer for a woman's domestic violence hotline, and it was such a heart-wrenching task...i feel for you.

[bcgirl_29]

I just read what you posted and you know I lived the exact life.......You described my fiance to a tee. I can't tell you what to do but I'll tell you what I did in my circumstance. My ex...was very abusive....mentally and physically. I couln't eat in front of him...because like you he said I would get fat. Second....he hit me alot. Make fun of me to when i went out to clubs with him and stuff....Make me feel so insecure about myself. I so hear what you are saying.....let me tell you it was the hardest thing in the world to do IS LEAVE......I know the fear you have....I know the aching just to have one good day with your man? My god it makes me sick to know someone else is living that life. Threats are threats hun...but i do know the fear...for sure its a very scary spot to be in......So at first I slowly started to stand up for myself....but had to watch because he would hurt me....one day i sat in my bathtub and thought to myself...my god what type of life is this?? Why is he so mean to me? I just love him? Well hun....hes abused to much now you feel you cant leave.....well guess what u can. It takes alot of strength within yourself...and I MEAN ALOT! it took me like a year to gear myself up for this....and trust me it took alot out of me.....there must be someplace you can hide out....even a friggin.......transition house they will help you and not tell anyone where you are at all......victim assitance....they will help you to...i also understand....if your friends gave up on you well hun.......you gotta do it on your own.....you CAN DO IT!!! no body deserves to be abused....it takes alot out of you...your family will be behind you....they may act mad.....and upset with you...but trust me they are the only ones you can count on...but if you dont trust them....do it yourself...i wish i could pass on my energy to you.....you can do it....like myself...it got to the point where it was either i live? Or I don't? catch me? He may act all tuff.....but hes not if hes hittin girls....the police will also help ...but i also understand that if you dont want to go to them because i didnt at first....but they are the ones who can keep him away from you...the best! I hope you take all this seriously cause its your life....you can make a better one!!!!

[moimeme]

Here is an online book about domestic violence:

 

http://www.opdv.state.ny.us/about_dv/fss/contents.html

 

 

Please read this chapter immediately. It shows you how to make a Safety Plan. Do this right away.

http://www.opdv.state.ny.us/about_dv/fss/safepln.html

 

 

A lot of women who stay out of fear he'll do something if they leave end up dead. Don't be one of them. If it were me, I'd even move to another city but first get out of that house. Make your safety plan, take your important stuff, and flee. It will be hard but nothing will be worse than staying with him.

[lth]

you know, my friend went through the same thing. I could never turn her away. her boyfriend was a big ugly gross guy who made fun of our friend at a wedding, and when i told him to leave, he told me to do some disgusting things to him. he cheated on her for 5 months! she took him back. She apoligized to me for him, and then afterwards, tried to say that he didnt' really say it. SHE WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM!!! I am really angry at her for this. BUT, when she was trying to break up with him, for the 3rd time, I only supported her. I couldn't turn her away. Man, I am married to a great man, who loves me and treats me good, and sometimes i want to be alone. I don't understand why you would want to live like that. And you don't have to. Crazy people are crazy people. They will do stupid things, and act stupid, and if you don't want to be like them, then you don't have to. Just look at them and realize how stupid they are. Nobody else wants them around, your friends hate him, and he probably doesn't have any good friends either. You always have friend. If you can't find one, make one. You are worth this. Read a book, take your mind off of this. YOU should be able to eat whatever you want. You might want to focus on your health, and that can be good for your self asteem. Just know that your body and your mind are really important. God made it. It isn't bad. And if he says other girls would want him, then you should feel lucky. He can just go to them right? NO good, self respecting woman would put up with that crap. There is a beautiful man out there for you. You will find him. Everyone finds love. And there is nothing wrong with being alone. IT is great. Think about it, would you want your children to feel this way? what would you say to a friend in the same situation? He is a bastard, and if you feel like you need police to step in, know that you are always protected. be smart, hope the best for you.