If a man is not financially & mentally stable,does he not want a serious rs?!

[peytonelyse]

I have been friends with a man for years, we have figured out that we do love each other, but he feels that he cannot give me what I want because he is not mentally, nor emotionally stable, he actually does not like himself as a man. He says he doesn't he have any respect for himself as a man, and until he is able to do that, he says he doesn't want a serious relationship. This man has a lot of problems and as his friend first I have been there through them all through support, and encouragement. He says I am the only woman that he can share his thoughts, dreams, fears, be himself with, and has opened his heart, but that is why he can't be with me, because of all those reasons. He's able to be in other relationships he said because they don't represent the type of relationship I want. I represent something different then them, and hes not ready to settle down. I just don't get it. I thought men wanted someone like I am in his life, I know men that have married the woman in their life as such, why is he saying these are the reasons he cant be with me right now? Is it because he isn't settled, not ready for the serious real thing, because of his issues? Help.

[hotdancer2009]

Do you really want to get involved with a man who is not mentally or emotionally stable? My friends have been down that road and it never ended well.

[peytonelyse]

Logically, I don't so that's why I am his friend first in all of this. Emotionally and heart wise, all I see is I love him and I know who he can be if he just gets out there and be pro active. I'm always going to be his friend, so that's a good thing. But I just don't get the whole him being in other "relationships" thing. Or the whole "they dont want what you want, or represent what you want in a relationship".

[carhill]

You can love someone and not be compatible with them for a relationship. I've seen and heard the exact reverse of this (gender-wise) and came to understand the prior as a healthy truth. Love him as a friend. Do not involve yourself romantically. Believe his negative words.

 

He's also telling you he has relationships of convenience with other women, so he is getting other needs met by them. You're the receptacle for what's left. Take a hard look at how proactively involved and interested he is in *your* life and that will be a key indicator IMO.

[Stockalone]

The easy advice is that you run for the hills. If a man tells you that he is mentally and/or emotionall unstable, that will almost always lead to tears and misery if you stay.

 

Unfortunately, it isn't that simple when you are in love, when you believe in his potential. Which in itself, is a noble thing, but it also carries the tremendous risk of even more future heartache than you already have.

 

 

He's able to be in other relationships he said because they don't represent the type of relationship I want. I represent something different then them, and hes not ready to settle down. I just don't get it. I thought men wanted someone like I am in his life, I know men that have married the woman in their life as such, why is he saying these are the reasons he cant be with me right now? Is it because he isn't settled, not ready for the serious real thing, because of his issues? Help.

 

To be honest, that sounds like a lousy excuse. It makes me wonder if he actually wants a real relationship with you. He says he loves you, but can't give you what you want.

 

Not being able to give you what you want and deserve is one thing. I can understand that. It would be reckless, for him to enter into a relationship with you if he doesn't believe that he can turn his life around. You don't let people that you love take such a tremendous risk, even if they would be willing to do so. You want to protect them, even if you have to protect them from yourself.

 

And it is a crippling feeling to have to keep people you care about at arm's length because of your own shortcomings, because you are afraid of hurting them even more in the long run if they get closer. I honestly don't see how having meaningless relationships with other women is even possible at that point. But granted, people are different. Maybe he is better at compartmentalizing those things.

 

Still, I think that is very disrespectful, actually it is outright insulting. Short of him being braindead, he must realize how much that hurts you. Getting some needs met by those women and you get to take care of what is left?

 

Has he even done anything to battle his mental instability? Because it sounds like he is in no hurry to make the needed changes that would enable him to be with you, the woman he claims to love.

 

He sounds very selfish. Does he think he will wake up one day and all his problems will be gone and you will still be there for him? And how much does he care about your life?

 

 

This man has a lot of problems and as his friend first I have been there through them all through support, and encouragement. He says I am the only woman that he can share his thoughts, dreams, fears, be himself with, and has opened his heart, but that is why he can't be with me, because of all those reasons.

 

If he can't see himself turning his life around, he is beyond help. The love of a woman who stands by you is IME, the best motivation to make an honest effort and try to get your ***** together.

 

 

Logically, I don't so that's why I am his friend first in all of this. Emotionally and heart wise, all I see is I love him and I know who he can be if he just gets out there and be pro active. I'm always going to be his friend, so that's a good thing. But I just don't get the whole him being in other "relationships" thing. Or the whole "they dont want what you want, or represent what you want in a relationship".

 

As I said, that is the dilemma. I am sure he can be great sometimes, otherwise you wouldn't have fallen in love with him. But unrealized potential is just that. He has do actually do something in order for that potential to be good for anything.

 

Sometimes, it is worth the risk to believe in a man like him, but are you sure that is what you want and what is best for you? You are already in love with him, so that makes it so much harder to take another look at your situation. But you should take another look at it nonetheless.

 

In my opinion, you should even think about if you still want to remain his friend or not. That might sound cruel, but how will you feel if he doesn't change?

 

What if he keeps having relationships with other women, and you are sitting on the sidelines, being in love with him, waiting and the years go by. How long can you keep living like this?

 

He knows that you love him and he has told you that he loves you too. It is time that he acts that way too and not just talks about it.

 

Change will not come overnight, but some things, I would want to happen immediately, like:

 

• No more relationships with other women.
  

 

• If he is depressed, I would want him to go see a doctor about it.
  

 

Talk to him again and see if he starts to care more about what you want, what is important in your life. Try to identify things you can agree on, where he meets you at least halfway. If he does that and keeps doing so consistently, there might be hope.

[carhill]

OP, does the friendship with this person impact your other relationships? Do you pass up other potentials because of your ties to this person? If so, reflect on that.

[SoleMate]

What he's been telling you is a code or euphemism for "I like having multiple r/s going on simultaneously and I will strenuously resist any attempt to make me tone it down". It's just a line.

 

Have fun, you will never be "bored" or lacking for drama while trying to sustain an emotional connection with an unstable philanderer.

[Trialbyfire]

he feels that he cannot give me what I want because he is not mentally, nor emotionally stable, he actually does not like himself as a man. He says he doesn't he have any respect for himself as a man,

Believe him. My question to you is why you would want a man who's mentally and emotionally unstable?

 

A man who doesn't like or respect himself, where he's empty inside, isn't going to be able to give real love or respect to anyone. He can say the words because words are cheap, but won't be able to walk the walk aka honestly feel them.

[You'reasian]

I have been friends with a man for years, we have figured out that we do love each other, but he feels that he cannot give me what I want because he is not mentally, nor emotionally stable, he actually does not like himself as a man. He says he doesn't he have any respect for himself as a man, and until he is able to do that, he says he doesn't want a serious relationship. This man has a lot of problems and as his friend first I have been there through them all through support, and encouragement. He says I am the only woman that he can share his thoughts, dreams, fears, be himself with, and has opened his heart, but that is why he can't be with me, because of all those reasons. He's able to be in other relationships he said because they don't represent the type of relationship I want. I represent something different then them, and hes not ready to settle down. I just don't get it. I thought men wanted someone like I am in his life, I know men that have married the woman in their life as such, why is he saying these are the reasons he cant be with me right now? Is it because he isn't settled, not ready for the serious real thing, because of his issues? Help.

 

Where does the financial and mental instability come in?

 

What is he doing today to secure his financial future tomorrow? You can always take a snapshot of the mans financial position. Could be good, could be bad - the important thing is "does he have a financial plan?" Is he attempting to save more than he spends and invest portions of that? Has he communicated with a financial planner/advisor?

 

Concerning mental instability - the man needs to go through a battery of psychological tests and an interview with a PhD to determine if he has any mental illnesses. On a side note, PhD (or licensed psyche types) can collect additional information on the individual's mental make-up, traits, characteristics, strengths, weaknesses. Until he is properly diagnosed, its uncertain if the man is mentally "ill".

[peytonelyse]

To be honest, that sounds like a lousy excuse. It makes me wonder if he actually wants a real relationship with you. He says he loves you, but can't give you what you want.

 

Not being able to give you what you want and deserve is one thing. I can understand that. It would be reckless, for him to enter into a relationship with you if he doesn't believe that he can turn his life around. You don't let people that you love take such a tremendous risk, even if they would be willing to do so. You want to protect them, even if you have to protect them from yourself.

 

He says this exact same thing, he tells me to "not like him, he doesnt want me to like him, nor love him.

 

And it is a crippling feeling to have to keep people you care about at arm's length because of your own shortcomings, because you are afraid of hurting them even more in the long run if they get closer. I honestly don't see how having meaningless relationships with other women is even possible at that point. But granted, people are different. Maybe he is better at compartmentalizing those things.

 

I getcha! He told me "he has too many demons he has to face, and doesnt want me a part of that". These "relationships that he seems to get into, I think its because he wants companionship, but not anything too meaningful, he gets into relationships I believe with people that don't know him too well.

 

 

Has he even done anything to battle his mental instability? Because it sounds like he is in no hurry to make the needed changes that would enable him to be with you, the woman he claims to love.

 

He sounds very selfish. Does he think he will wake up one day and all his problems will be gone and you will still be there for him? And how much does he care about your life?

 

He is supposed to start counseling soon, he has childhood problems such as mothers death at a young age, father not being in the home. He states that he doesnt know how to love nor knows how to receive it. He wants me to be happy, and that is why he says he cant be with me right now, b/c he wants me to be happy among everything else. He tries to push me away saying he is a "monster". Never had a woman that opened up his heart, never cared about someones emotions and feelings before, and he doesnt want that, b/c its scary.

 

 

If he can't see himself turning his life around, he is beyond help. The love of a woman who stands by you is IME, the best motivation to make an honest effort and try to get your ***** together.

 

As I said, that is the dilemma. I am sure he can be great sometimes, otherwise you wouldn't have fallen in love with him. But unrealized potential is just that. He has do actually do something in order for that potential to be good for anything.

 

He can see himself turning it around, and as soon as he starts too, something happens, and he gets down and out, and loses hope, and goes back, then goes forward again after that challenge is dealt with.

 

Sometimes, it is worth the risk to believe in a man like him, but are you sure that is what you want and what is best for you? You are already in love with him, so that makes it so much harder to take another look at your situation. But you should take another look at it nonetheless.

 

You are definitely right.

 

In my opinion, you should even think about if you still want to remain his friend or not. That might sound cruel, but how will you feel if he doesn't change?

 

What if he keeps having relationships with other women, and you are sitting on the sidelines, being in love with him, waiting and the years go by. How long can you keep living like this?

 

He knows that you love him and he has told you that he loves you too. It is time that he acts that way too and not just talks about it.

 

Change will not come overnight, but some things, I would want to happen immediately, like:

 

• No more relationships with other women.
  

 

• If he is depressed, I would want him to go see a doctor about it.
  

 

Talk to him again and see if he starts to care more about what you want, what is important in your life. Try to identify things you can agree on, where he meets you at least halfway. If he does that and keeps doing so consistently, there might be hope.

 

Stockalone, thank you! Your analysis and advice was truly a blessing. You are a smart cookie!

[peytonelyse]

OP, does the friendship with this person impact your other relationships? Do you pass up other potentials because of your ties to this person? If so, reflect on that.

 

Definitely not, I still date and etc. Not really a dater, but I have dated.

[peytonelyse]

What he's been telling you is a code or euphemism for "I like having multiple r/s going on simultaneously and I will strenuously resist any attempt to make me tone it down". It's just a line.

 

Have fun, you will never be "bored" or lacking for drama while trying to sustain an emotional connection with an unstable philanderer.

 

SoleMate, first I love your screen name!! Second, I think that you are right, like he said "I represent more, I represent the straight and arrow, and thats why he cant be in a relationship with me. He's not ready at all bc of the ongoing issues I suppose.

[peytonelyse]

Believe him. My question to you is why you would want a man who's mentally and emotionally unstable?

 

A man who doesn't like or respect himself, where he's empty inside, isn't going to be able to give real love or respect to anyone. He can say the words because words are cheap, but won't be able to walk the walk aka honestly feel them.

 

Thanks Trialbyfire for this. You are absolutely right. You kind of sound like something he shared with me.

 

I think my thing is, if he knows hes all of this, then CHANGE! Do better! Try HARDER! Especially if you know you have potential, get counseling, work on your career, save money, get right! Stop talking about your emotional ailments and just do something. I guess I get so frustrated when he tells me "I dont want you to like me, I dont deserve you, or how you treat me, I know everything you bring to the table, but I am so jacked up, I cant do it" Then get unjacked up! Frustrates me so.

[You'reasian]

Thanks Trialbyfire for this. You are absolutely right. You kind of sound like something he shared with me.

 

I think my thing is, if he knows hes all of this, then CHANGE! Do better! Try HARDER! Especially if you know you have potential, get counseling, work on your career, save money, get right! Stop talking about your emotional ailments and just do something. I guess I get so frustrated when he tells me "I dont want you to like me, I dont deserve you, or how you treat me, I know everything you bring to the table, but I am so jacked up, I cant do it" Then get unjacked up! Frustrates me so.

 

Does this guy wine alot?

 

jeez. Does he set goals for himself?

 

You mentioned financially unstable. Right now is a good time to be looking at stocks, provided you've got a steady paycheck and some savings.

[You'reasian]

Definitely not, I still date and etc. Not really a dater, but I have dated.

 

Would you allow him to date as well?

 

You're asking him to cut off relationships with other women - I'm not sure if this is conditional? That is you want him to stop seeing other women, but you would like to continue dating?

[peytonelyse]

Does this guy wine alot?

 

jeez. Does he set goals for himself?

 

You mentioned financially unstable. Right now is a good time to be looking at stocks, provided you've got a steady paycheck and some savings.

 

He sets lots of goals for himself, but it seems as if when he is on the road to achieve them, something happens. He is very financially unstable, he just got a stable job, and has only been there for 6 months, and lives paycheck to paycheck literally. No savings. (sad to say)

 

I guess b/c I am in my career, w/ stocks, IRA, getting myself more established I'm not looking too much at his assets (now don't get me wrong, in a mate I seek financial stability and security~!) and he is my friend first I see it as sometimes people struggle, and thats why I'm not judgemental when it comes to him.

[peytonelyse]

Would you allow him to date as well?

 

You're asking him to cut off relationships with other women - I'm not sure if this is conditional? That is you want him to stop seeing other women, but you would like to continue dating?

 

I just typed something I have no idea where it went

 

Well, if me and him were to become an item, there would be no "dating" others. It would be just me and him and that is why he says he cant date me bc I represent seriousness, and someone he would want to settle down with once he is stable.

 

As far as dating, I haven't really dated as I am not a "dater" i have dated two people in 8 years. and in the past 2 years I have seen no one. So me "continue dating"..no, but I am not waiting on him either. I love him but I do know I have alot to bring to someones table.

[carhill]

Definitely not, I still date and etc. Not really a dater, but I have dated.

A harder question: Does the friendship with this man impact your thoughts, psyche and/or demeanor when you are dating? Reflect upon that. Superficially, it might sound easy to answer, but.......

 

Do you think if you love him enough he won't need those other relationships? Why?

[grogster]

The man is a player. He's not ready, willing or able to "commit" to one woman--or at least you.

 

Don't waste any more time with this Peter Pan unless you're willing to forego real romantic prospects in favor of noncommittal psychobabble.

 

Your choice.

 

Hi SoleMate! It has been awhile.

 

bark/jester

[You'reasian]

 

Well, if me and him were to become an item, there would be no "dating" others. It would be just me and him and that is why he says he cant date me bc I represent seriousness, and someone he would want to settle down with once he is stable.

 

Next time you see him, you should certainly talk to him.

 

As far as dating, I haven't really dated as I am not a "dater" i have dated two people in 8 years. and in the past 2 years I have seen no one. So me "continue dating"..no, but I am not waiting on him either. I love him but I do know I have alot to bring to someones table.

 

Just make sure you really want this man and let him know. Once you've decided this or not, you're good to go.

[You'reasian]

He sets lots of goals for himself, but it seems as if when he is on the road to achieve them, something happens.

 

Has he taken any real steps towards achieving these goals?

 

If not, then he's not good on his claims but also keep in mind, Rome was not built in one day. Barring any unfortunate circumstances, he should have started on atleast one goal.

[Stockalone]

He says this exact same thing, he tells me to "not like him, he doesnt want me to like him, nor love him.

 

I getcha! He told me "he has too many demons he has to face, and doesnt want me a part of that". These "relationships that he seems to get into, I think its because he wants companionship, but not anything too meaningful, he gets into relationships I believe with people that don't know him too well.

 

I would think of that as a problem. He says he wants to be with you after he deals with his demons. Fair enough. But instead of working towards that goal of being with you, he has relationships with other women.

 

Why? Does he only care for certain people and doesn't mind using the other women? That is not really a good thing. After all, his demons are sill there and he is the same "monster" unless he overcomes his problems.

 

Or is it just easier to keep doing what he has been doing in the past and he is just lazy? Which isn't good either.

 

 

He is supposed to start counseling soon, he has childhood problems such as mothers death at a young age, father not being in the home. He states that he doesnt know how to love nor knows how to receive it. He wants me to be happy, and that is why he says he cant be with me right now, b/c he wants me to be happy among everything else. He tries to push me away saying he is a "monster". Never had a woman that opened up his heart, never cared about someones emotions and feelings before, and he doesnt want that, b/c its scary.

 

There is a very fine line between doing the right thing, keeping you at arm's length in order not to hurt you and being a coward who can't embrace love because it's scary.

 

 

He can see himself turning it around, and as soon as he starts too, something happens, and he gets down and out, and loses hope, and goes back, then goes forward again after that challenge is dealt with.

 

I take your word for it. So he is doing something which is a start. But it sounds like he has a long and bumpy road ahead of him. Can you deal with that? Being in love with him, but also being open to other possibilities sounds problematic. Make sure you are not fixated on your guy.

 

 

Stockalone, thank you! Your analysis and advice was truly a blessing. You are a smart cookie!

 

Thanks, but that has very little to do with being smart. What you wrote about your guy is unfortunately very similar to some aspects of my own live. Some of those lessons are learned the hard way, and I hope your guy gets his act together.

[MN randomguy]

Logically, I don't so that's why I am his friend first in all of this. Emotionally and heart wise, all I see is I love him and I know who he can be if he just gets out there and be pro active. I'm always going to be his friend, so that's a good thing. But I just don't get the whole him being in other "relationships" thing. Or the whole "they dont want what you want, or represent what you want in a relationship".

 

 

Why you are his friend?

 

He is your project. If he does straighten himself out you will lose interest in him. You will at least want credit for "fixing" him.

 

"they don't want what you want" translation: He is incapable of a Healthy Long term relationship and knows it. These other women want drama, he can be with them for a while, then it blows up. He is hoping to use them to diagnose and treat himself. They get drama, everyone gets what they want.

 

You will not work in this role. They want drama, you want a relationship. He can provide drama, not a relationship.