youngatheart Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 K everybody... here it goes... I was dating a guy for 3 yrs. I met on-line. We were very compatible - same likes, beliefs, etc... & TONS of chemistry/attraction!! We had lots of fun together & he was definitely one of my best friends. I ADORED him... But we had both been BURNED by previous relationships (which I am finally getting help with through a relationship therapist). This caused a lot of anger, distrust & miscommunication on both of our parts. He broke it off with me so many times I have lost count. This last time, he e-mailed the break up to me saying he needed to make new, normal relationships & his mind was made up. He wished me the best of luck & to take care of myself. That was almost a month ago. I was so proud of myself - I stuck to the "no contact" rule, which I usually don't. Then, he surprised me by texting me Merry Xmas with his nickname for me in it. Then a wk. later, he text me Happy New Year with his nickname for me in it. I did text him back, but kept it very simple by saying basically the same thing back to him. I don't know what to think of this... I didn't contact him & wasn't going to. I felt it was sort of unfair he did this because I wasn't the one who wanted to break up & still don't want the break up. So was he just being friendly or is he thinking about me & trying to keep the door slightly open so he can possibly come back months later? (On a side note - he is back on the dating website we met on & also on another one). Do I wait for him to contact me from now on? Ohhhhh... my head hurts!! lol
mm4184 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 ha. sounds like my ex. once you stop giving them attention, of course they wonder. they might miss you but it doesn't change the fact that they broke up with you and made a decision that they didn't want you. so stick to the NC. it's what i should have done in the beginning but i gave in to the "i miss you" and all the crap about wondering how i'm doing etc.. and now, we're on bad terms. leave it as it is.. it'll be better for you!
Riffmeister General Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 You were following the NC rule so well, then you broke it! NOOOOOO!!!! I'm joking; it happens. You did well for nearly a month, which is excellent. Means you can go on and do it for another month, and that would be my advice. He's back on these dating websites, so he's clearly putting himself back on the market. If he wanted you back, I'm pretty sure he would have made it more clear than a couple of texts over Christmas and New Year and not bothered with the dating sites. Even if he did want to keep the door slightly open as you say, do you really need that in your life? Anger? Distrust? Miscommunication? Doesn't matter what caused it, it's there and has caused multiple breakups. Doesn't sound like a stable basis for a relationship to me. Go NC, be patient. The right guy will most likely (and metaphorically!) sneak up behind you when you're thinking about it the least and give you a big dig in the ribs.
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 If his only contact has been 'Merry Xmas' and 'Happy New Year', then he likely is not considering a reconciliation -- at this time of year some people just feel compelled to offer these greetings even if there are no genuine, heartfelt feelings. (They do it for themselves much more than for the recipients.) I agree with you to maintain 'no contact' on your side. You can also block his calls and texts if hearing from him interferes with your own resolve, healing and moving forward without him. Not sure what you mean by "wait for him" -- just carry on with the rest of your life as if you'll never hear from him again, would pro'ly be most effective in helping you deal with things. Sorry you are going through this. Good luck with your therapy.
cabarc1 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Totally feel your pain. My ex is seeing another girl and they've been together for 5 months. I want him back so bad and after 2 months of begging him back i realized that no contact was the best route. A month later i got in touch with him because i needed to speak to him about the house we have together and he asked me if i wanted to go out and eat that night. I was shocked because the first 2 months he looked like he couldn't even stand me and that's what killed me the most. Well that night we went out and ate, i kept my gaurd up the whole night because i didn't know what was going on. He treated me like i was his gf the whole night and at the end lets me know how things were going great with the new girl and i wanted to die!!! I cried so hard because i felt so led on, he told me he was confused and that he thinks of me all the time and misses me. I did hurt him and that was the reason he moved on to another girl keep in mind. Point is i asked him to forgive me because he did hurt me many times as well and i told him i respect that he wants space. Well after that episode i told him i never wanted to speak to him again aslong as he was with her because it hurt and 5 weeks passed, during that time he sent me one text to tell me it was snowing(which i ignored), left some money in my car one day when he knows he could have given it to my brother and on xmas eve gave me a $200 gift card and baked me a pumpkin pie which he sent over with my brother!!! His gf doesn't know any of this. I tried to give it back to him the next day and he begged me to keep it because he still wants to take care of me. He even started kissing me!!! He says he hasn't ruled anything out and that he always thinks of how special it was what we had. Point is i'm pissed because he is the one that started to date another girl so he needs to leave me the hell alone and let me move on!!! Don't contact him anymore!!! You only make it easy for them when you do! I'm gonna make sure i there is NC for good this time and if he ever tries to come back the best is to make them suffer for a while otherwise they find it was too easy and just go back to what they were doing. Just pretend he isn't coming back and better urself in the meantime. If he does, you will know what to do!
Author youngatheart Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Thanks for all of your replies. I REALLY appreciate it... I have a concern - a couple of my gf's found my ex on a couple of dating websites & they have noticed he is pretty active on them (i.e. always checking them, changing his photos, etc...). How do you keep from "panicking" that he is looking VERY "hard & fast" to meet someone else? I'm absolutely keeping NC - not going to stray from that - but it can be hard to keep faith he will contact me again if he is so busy on these dating websites... I am still moving forward with my healing as if I will never hear from him again. But of course it's hard to completely let go of someone you had in your life for 3 yrs., u know?
Jo78 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I have a concern - a couple of my gf's found my ex on a couple of dating websites & they have noticed he is pretty active on them (i.e. always checking them, changing his photos, etc...). How do you keep from "panicking" that he is looking VERY "hard & fast" to meet someone else? You tell your gf's that you don't want to hear anything about that. And of course you stay away from those sites yourself. I know it's hard. But focus on your own life and stop worrying about what he is doing.
9Lives Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I understand your pain. I was with my ex for 3 yrs before we broke up. I did the NC thing for a while but it drove me crazy so I made contact and brought him a christn mas gift. we are FWB right now. that is my choice. but I don't mistake that for being in a relationship with him. I talk to him everyday but we have not talked about getting back together. I know I deserve better and I hope to meet a nice guy one day. I would like to work it out with my ex but I don't see that happening. he is dating other women I guess. I don't check up on him or try to keep up with his every move. I just take it one day at a time. if we get back together that would be nice but if we don't then I we don't. I try not to stress myself out about it anymore. you need to do what others are telling you....focus on your own life and stop worrying about what he is doing. you have NO CONTROL over what he does. it is a waste of time. very important to tell your friends that you don't want to hear anything else about what they know about him. you have to set them straight to or else tell them that you can't keep talkin if they want to talk about the ex. it is not fair to you. he misses you but he is doing his own thing mama. you do the same.
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