songstress Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Hello all, 3 months ago, my boyfriend of only 1 month unilaterally broke up with me completely out of the blue ...and somehow, it still hurts (even though we only dated for a month!) I feel like such a freak sometimes... and even embarrassed that I'm still affected - he certainly isn't. But then again, I've come to the conclusion that the guy was a bit of a nut-case. Here's what happened: I'm a 25-year old Masters degree graduate who doesn't have a lot of dating experience (3 boyfriends prior to this guy - 1.5 year, and the next two were only 7 months). I contribute my lack of dating experience to a combination of strict parents - and a concentration on schooling rather than dating throughout my teen years and early twenties. I had just settled into a great new job (the first one after grad school that seemed to hold promise of being enjoyable) when I met this 36 year old guy on an online dating site. We hit it off very well when we met...he told me he was "enchanted" by me two days after we first met... then he told me that he loved me after our first (very intense week) of dating - which should have freaked me out- but i guess i'm far too trusting and just took him for face-value... besides... i really did like him, even though he was moving incredibly fast... but when he told me he loved me... i started to fall in love with him too. Two (blissful) weeks after he told me he "loved" me... he abruptly broke up with me over the phone! He said that he thought I loved him more than he loved me... he said that his last relationship had somehow "scarred" him into being "incapable of love." (sounded like a load of bull**** to me) in any case... i suggested that he should just give it a try, that we have only been dating a month... but then he said that he didn't think he was capable of dating at all. I was crushed....and incredibly confused... but I was hopeful that I would get some answers as time went on to help aid my healing from this traumatic event because he told me that he would be there for me to help me get over the break up, that we could still talk if I needed to, but then two weeks after the initial breakup... he sent me this horrible email that said that he was cutting off all communication with me (I had only emailed him once and talked to him on the phone once in those two weeks) Once again, he did not have the guts or the respect to tell me the news in person... he told me he only agreed to continue communication with me because he "felt guilty". This crushed me beyond belief... beyond anything I could imagine... I could not believe that someone who told me that he "loved me" could treat me so cruelly... my belief in the possibility of love in my life... has been dramatically altered ever since that email. Worse still, the day after I got that soul-crushing email from him, I found that he had put another profile up on the dating site where we first met... I couldn't believe it... he told me he couldn't be with me because he was still carrying too much emotional baggage from his last relationship to be able to date again... yet here he was... back on a dating site?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN?! was the question that echoed in my head. As my hope in a possible relationship with the opposite sex faded further into oblivion. The thing that gets me most is the fact that his guy (aside from the fact that HE moved too fast in the relationship) seemed perfectly normal.. seemed to be the one missing piece to fit into my life ... even told me that he loved me ... and really seemed to mean it... and then out of the blue... he destroys our blissful relationship (trust me on this one: everything seemed to be going great: physical, intellectual, social - we really got along well). How am I to know that the next guy won't turn out like this one? How am I to ever trust anyone again?????! I had no clue he was going to do what he eventually ended up doing... I had no clue that he was capable of hurting me the way he did... how can I risk getting hurt like that again? Would being alone forever be better than risking the hurt of what I had to go through again? I know you might be thinking he dumped me for something better: but I honestly don't think so. I'm a fairly attractive young woman, with a better education and better career prospects than he has - and i'm 11 years younger: a successful 25 vs. a not-as-successful 36 year-old. I know i get checked out a whole let more than he does - not that any of that matters to me... i fall in love with the person, not the looks (as many women tend to do)....And in case you're wondering, I've never brought up to him the fact that on paper I do seem to rank "higher" than him on various traits of "desirability" ... I've shown him nothing but the adoring love of someone who was 3 weeks in love with him (you know that gooey puppy love? we never even had a hint of a first fight!) and besides all that... if he had someone waiting in the wings ... why would he be back on that dating site? Which brings me back to the question of WHY DID HE DO IT? Why did he destroy something so wonderful? And on my end, how will I ever trust someone again enough to be in a relationship? When I will allways be wondering if he will do what this last guy did: just end it all out of the blue.. even with no hint of anything being wrong??? Leaving me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. Alone.
Author songstress Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 No, we were intimate, but we never slept together. We could have, but he wanted to wait.
You'reasian Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 No, we were intimate, but we never slept together. We could have, but he wanted to wait. Sounds like there was some confusion about the relationship early on; perhaps one of you wasn't ready? Either way it sounds like the two of you are still interested in each other. Go for it.
stray_cat Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 personally, i dont think he really loved you. did you really believe him when he said that? did it felt right? just like you said he was moving incredibly too fast and that he admitted he is still carrying emotional baggage from him previous relationship. those were huge red flags. i'm sorry but it looks like you were a rebound girl.
Author songstress Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 personally, i dont think he really loved you. did you really believe him when he said that? did it felt right? just like you said he was moving incredibly too fast and that he admitted he is still carrying emotional baggage from him previous relationship. those were huge red flags. i'm sorry but it looks like you were a rebound girl. I can see what you're saying.. but what on Earth compelled him to tell me he "loved" me if I was just a rebound? Some form of cruel and unusual punishment? All of what he did: from telling me he "loved me" to breaking up with me just weeks afterwards without a decent explanation, to cutting off all communication out of the blue, to putting another dating profile up when he said he was "incapable of dating" ... all of it ended up hurting me incredibly badly.... more badly than a rebound should hurt. If I were a rebound, why didn't he just try to sleep with me and then dump me afterwards... why drag my emotions into the fray by telling me that he loved me? I'm reeling from the emotional trauma that shouldn't result from being a rebound... he was incredibly irresponsible to throw the word "love" around if i were just a rebound.
Author songstress Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 My bet is he's married. No... I'm quite sure he isn't. I've spent a lot of time at his apartment, was on his Facebook, etc. We both work at the university - so it would have been very hard for him to have hidden a wife from me .. or risk having a wife find out about me when I was already exposed to so many aspects of his daily life.
Zolie Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 LOL, there I go again, showing my jaded self. In that case, he is just a freak. He saw stars when he first met you and expressed it quickly, but when you reciprocated, he got scared. I know this totally confused you and makes you gun shy, but try to realize this was all about his own issues, and not about any fault of yours. For every bad ending like this one, there are a dozen good relationships, so don't let this one freaky one ruin it for you.
Author songstress Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 LOL, there I go again, showing my jaded self. In that case, he is just a freak. He saw stars when he first met you and expressed it quickly, but when you reciprocated, he got scared. I know this totally confused you and makes you gun shy, but try to realize this was all about his own issues, and not about any fault of yours. For every bad ending like this one, there are a dozen good relationships, so don't let this one freaky one ruin it for you. Thanks for the encouragement Zolie... It's really hard to believe that I can do this again. This last one has really scared me... not just because of how horribly sudden, traumatic and out-of-my-control it all was... but more so because I had no clue he would turn out to be such a horrible freak. He seemed positively wonderful... and everything was just going so well... there was nothing to complain about... not anything seemingly wrong with him.. nor our relationship... we never even had an argument... It's like feeling on top of the world... no worries, no suspicions... and suddenly being shot in the heart by the very person your heart loved. Hard to imagine myself trusting anyone again after something like this... I mean... how do I even start?
stray_cat Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Thanks for the encouragement Zolie... It's really hard to believe that I can do this again. This last one has really scared me... not just because of how horribly sudden, traumatic and out-of-my-control it all was... but more so because I had no clue he would turn out to be such a horrible freak. He seemed positively wonderful... and everything was just going so well... there was nothing to complain about... not anything seemingly wrong with him.. nor our relationship... we never even had an argument... It's like feeling on top of the world... no worries, no suspicions... and suddenly being shot in the heart by the very person your heart loved. Hard to imagine myself trusting anyone again after something like this... I mean... how do I even start? i could have written these exactly same words myself. the only difference is that i was married to my ex for 8 yrs and he was not a twisted freak like your ex. just someone who cant cope with life's transitions. and yes after that much time of happy and stable relationship who would have thought he will do what he did? the bottom line is some people do this. i know it is shocking but it is real. try to spend time reading this message board and you will learn that there are people out there capable of pulling this out. i know it will not make you feel any better but try to take some consolation (if any) that things could have been worst. those "i love you" easily flies around nowadays without much meaning. don't beat yourself up over the "why did he do this? but he said he loved me!" coz obviously he didnt and he isnt the guy you thought he was. so you were only together for a month? you probably barely know each other. knowing that he turned out to be a freak, aren't you glad the relationship is over? at least now you can see what kind of a guy he really is. just try to learn from this and move on coz at this point thats all you can really do.
Author songstress Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 i could have written these exactly same words myself. the only difference is that i was married to my ex for 8 yrs and he was not a twisted freak like your ex. just someone who cant cope with life's transitions. and yes after that much time of happy and stable relationship who would have thought he will do what he did? the bottom line is some people do this. i know it is shocking but it is real. try to spend time reading this message board and you will learn that there are people out there capable of pulling this out. i know it will not make you feel any better but try to take some consolation (if any) that things could have been worst. those "i love you" easily flies around nowadays without much meaning. don't beat yourself up over the "why did he do this? but he said he loved me!" coz obviously he didnt and he isnt the guy you thought he was. so you were only together for a month? you probably barely know each other. knowing that he turned out to be a freak, aren't you glad the relationship is over? at least now you can see what kind of a guy he really is. just try to learn from this and move on coz at this point thats all you can really do. Stray cat, I just read your post about what happened with you and your ex - i'm sorry something so terrible happened to you... it's like what happened to me only 8 years longer. Reading what happened to you and knowing what happened to me... it all makes me kind of angry ... men wonder where the term "man-hater" comes from ...and honestly.. it's from stupid, inconsiderate, irresponsible and disrespectful actions such as what those men did. All they could think about was what THEY needed, what THEY WANTED what was best for THEM ... all the while having no respect or consideration for how their selfish actions will impact on the other person... having no consideration that their actions are potentially DEVASTATING to the other person. Like what our ex's did to us. Yes, I'm sure you could say that your ex knows that he hurt you... and i'm sure mine knows in some twisted way that he hurt me ... but do you ever think... that if you can make them feel the pain that you feel ...if they for one moment can comprehend the full-extent of the pain that they just inflicted on another human being - that perhaps they would have reconsidered their actions, and treated us like thinking, feeling human beings should be treated? Our ex's made executive decisions to end the relationship without once consulting us about the problem, and without once letting us to give any input into the decision that has devestated us. What are we, OBJECTS??! I know my ex (and the ex before that) would rather bury his head in the sand than face the consequences of his actions - and I'm starting to think that all men would rather pretend that nothing wrong stemmed from their selfish actions than "be a man" and face up to the consequences of their actions. I guess if all people could do that - we would probably have world peace and a close approximation to what "heaven on earth" might look like. Not much for me to look forward to is there? Having gone through my story and heard yours. How will I ever know I could trust a man not to do what my ex did... or worse... what your ex did to you Stray Cat? All that and I'm only 25. Well... I guess there's always my career to look forward to - at least I can control that to a greater extent. Maybe I'm just being smart for realizing this young rather than going through more heart break with more unworthy men.
You'reasian Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 For all the talk about worthy partners, what do we do to make ourselves worthy? For instance, I know I'm not perfect, I have my flaws but I take care of my woman. If my woman gets sick, I'll take care of her and cook her something nice - boil a chicken, flavor the broth with some healthy veges, some chilis, get her some crackers etc.. This isn't something I can use to reel em in during conventional dating, rather its an accidental discovery should the woman be brave enough to take a chance on me I would never turn down sex from my woman - unless I just got finished an olympic triathlon, but was getting shot at too or if she was plane able to keep....and then some, but even then I'd give her a run for her money and we'd be sleep deprived lol
MalachiX Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Maybe it's because I just happened to be a rather self-absorbed person but I think it's usually a good idea to try to figure out what the failure of a relationship says about you rather than about your EX. If you were the one who messed it's up, I think it's healthy to ask what you did wrong and how you can make sure not to repeat the mistake. If you got screwed over by a jerk (which seems to be the case here), I think it's a good idea to ask yourself why you let that happen. Now, I don't want you to mis-understand. I'm not saying you deserve the pain you feel or this is your fault. But I think it's best to try to always gain something posative, usually self discovery and improvment, out of our painful experiences. I think you should ask yourself why a relatively minor relationship which lasted only 1 month has you so worked up. Why you are letting something which was briefer than many flings cause you to question ever being in a relationship again. Why did you believe someone who said "I love you" after only a week? Why did you think that this month of "bliss," (which is fairly typical of many relationships when they begin) couldn't possibly come to an end? Also, why in talking about what happened do you feel the need to justify yourself by way of your career, education, and how often you get "checked out;" especially when he told you the issue was his and not yours. I'm not a physcologicst (just an ass with a big mouth); but it sounds to me that this relationship may have revealed some aspects of your life which you're really not happy with. It sounds like you've pursued your career with a passion (something I admire and am trying to do myself) but perhaps at the cost of experience in relationships. I think perhaps that this bothers you more than you'd like to admit which is why this loss hurt you so much and made you immedietly decide that you'd just focus on your career again and dating wasn't for you. If this is the case, then swearing off dating and burying yourself in work is really the worst thing you can do. You'll just end up making the issues you already have even worse rather than facing them. Anyway, that's just my amateur analysis. Though, now looking back at what I wrote, I almost wonder if I may be projecting on you my own problems (we're the same age and I've got pretty much the same physcosis though the one that triggered it was a 2.5 year relationship). Anyway, good luck.
fabulousgal Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 looking to see what you can work on is important as Malachi mentioned. i am learning (the hard way) that you can't put too much stock into words and actions the first few months in. girl if i could tell you some of the stuff i get told (nothing like "I love you", but intense) and then after about 2-3 mos...BAM! Something comes up and I'm left high and dry. This has happened 4 times in the last 3 years. I think I've come to the conclusion: take everything with a grain of salt until the tests of time pass with high marks. Easier said than done, of course.
Author songstress Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Maybe it's because I just happened to be a rather self-absorbed person but I think it's usually a good idea to try to figure out what the failure of a relationship says about you rather than about your EX. If you were the one who messed it's up, I think it's healthy to ask what you did wrong and how you can make sure not to repeat the mistake. If you got screwed over by a jerk (which seems to be the case here), I think it's a good idea to ask yourself why you let that happen. Now, I don't want you to mis-understand. I'm not saying you deserve the pain you feel or this is your fault. But I think it's best to try to always gain something posative, usually self discovery and improvment, out of our painful experiences. You're right, it was essentially me getting screwed over by a jerk in this one. Of course at the end of the relationship I asked him repeatedly what i did wrong (it's that thing you were talking about - finding out how i messed up) - but he told me it was all him, and flatly refused the notion that i did anything wrong (I couldn't think of anything I did wrong - so I asked him what I did wrong - but he said "nothing." - Which of course can drive one absolutely mad - when this guy tells you he thinks you're "perfect" - but that he can't be with you in a relationship ...it's probably why I'm so obsessed with it right now... I think you should ask yourself why a relatively minor relationship which lasted only 1 month has you so worked up. See above... it's because I can't figure out what went wrong. It's because he seems like a normal person...but all his actions add up to that of an irrational freak ... Why you are letting something which was briefer than many flings cause you to question ever being in a relationship again. Why did you believe someone who said "I love you" after only a week? Why did you think that this month of "bliss," (which is fairly typical of many relationships when they begin) couldn't possibly come to an end? "Once bitten, twice shy" ... I like to learn from my mistakes... i thought myself a good judge of character and trustworthiness - I do not let a lot of people close to me... I let this guy close to me and he essentially destroyed me from within... Which makes me think two things: 1) I have absolutely no clue who to trust, and should trust no one. 2) Never let anyone past your defenses again, because they could do the same thing the last guy did. Also, why in talking about what happened do you feel the need to justify yourself by way of your career, education, and how often you get "checked out;" especially when he told you the issue was his and not yours. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound vain with saying those things... (i'm not) I was trying to give anyone reading this some idea of where I come from - in case you guys thought he dumped me because i look like a frog, or highschool drop-out etc. etc. I'm not a physcologicst (just an ass with a big mouth); but it sounds to me that this relationship may have revealed some aspects of your life which you're really not happy with. It sounds like you've pursued your career with a passion (something I admire and am trying to do myself) but perhaps at the cost of experience in relationships. I think perhaps that this bothers you more than you'd like to admit which is why this loss hurt you so much and made you immedietly decide that you'd just focus on your career again and dating wasn't for you. If this is the case, then swearing off dating and burying yourself in work is really the worst thing you can do. You'll just end up making the issues you already have even worse rather than facing them. I agree with the ass with a big mouth part ...just joking... but in truth, you've made a very good point... my lack of experience in relationships (in large part due to all the time I spent avoiding them when I was in school etc.) is something of a failure for me... I've had great success in my educational achievements, and am starting to build a good career ... but one thing I've really failed at thus far is in the realm of relationships... See, unlike education and career... where the effort you put in = the rewards you reap... relationships do not necessarily work that way. In relationships Effort = 1/2 the equation... the other half is up to the other person... which is what makes it one of the greatest challenges in life. A successful career seems much easier than the relationship wildcard... A successful career is a "safe" investment of time and effort - I can get financial gains, property...etc ...all things that I can sell once I do not want them anymore... whereas failure in a relationship = Deadweight loss: you don't get anything back for what you put in once its done. You don't even get to choose when it ends sometimes... sometimes you don't even have a clue it's going to end at all until your partner drops the "I'm ending it" bomb on you. So in that light... is it really so ridiculous that I want to hide in my career right now? But you're right though ... avoiding relationships completely is just "burying my head in the sand" ... like what I accused my ex of doing... and if anything... If i'm going to prove to myself that I am a woman of integrity - I will have to face my demons and take my problems head-on. Unlike my ex who'd rather run away than face his problems. I know I'm a stronger person than that. I will just have to realize the costs and benefits tempered by the element of risk next time I find myself in a possible relationship. It's a steep learning curve... but I've been burned like a pro now Anyway, that's just my amateur analysis. Though, now looking back at what I wrote, I almost wonder if I may be projecting on you my own problems (we're the same age and I've got pretty much the same physcosis though the one that triggered it was a 2.5 year relationship). Anyway, good luck. Thanks for your candid input... it has helped me. I wish you luck too.
MalachiX Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 when this guy tells you he thinks you're "perfect" - but that he can't be with you in a relationship ...it's probably why I'm so obsessed with it right now... But maybe that should have been your first clue. The fact that he thought you were "perfect" (which NO man, even when completely in love, really thinks) or how fast he said "I love you." Perhaps more experience in relationships (which you'd get from dating rather than working) would help you catch on faster that a guy has something really wrong with him even if he seems great. Not that I have a ton of experience mind you (I've only had one 2.5 year one, one summer long one, and a few random hook ups). "Once bitten, twice shy" ... I like to learn from my mistakes... i thought myself a good judge of character and trustworthiness - I do not let a lot of people close to me... I let this guy close to me and he essentially destroyed me from within... Which makes me think two things: 1) I have absolutely no clue who to trust, and should trust no one. 2) Never let anyone past your defenses again, because they could do the same thing the last guy did. Trust me I know what it's like to be gaurded and not want to let people in. However, I think if you learn to let more people in, you'll be less hurt when someone betrays that trust and, by simply being able to be more open with others, you'll be a happier person. I think the reason you were willing to let yourself be so vunerable to someone you hardly knew is because you'd avoided letting others in and that's why you were so much about why he wouldn't want you instead of just saying, "ah well, he was a jerk, we were only together a month, and thank god I didn't sleep with him." I think once you've got more experience in relationships, you'll have a better idea of when to trust someone with your heart. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound vain with saying those things... (i'm not) I was trying to give anyone reading this some idea of where I come from - in case you guys thought he dumped me because i look like a frog, or highschool drop-out etc. etc. I don't think you sounded vein; you sounded really defensive. It seemed to indicate that while you are justifiably proud of yourself for doing so well in your academic and professional life; that clearly isn't enough for you or else this wouldn't have hurt so much and you wouldn't feel the need to justify yourself in other ways. I've had great success in my educational achievements, and am starting to build a good career ... but one thing I've really failed at thus far is in the realm of relationships... See, unlike education and career... where the effort you put in = the rewards you reap... relationships do not necessarily work that way. In relationships Effort = 1/2 the equation... the other half is up to the other person... which is what makes it one of the greatest challenges in life. A successful career seems much easier than the relationship wildcard... A successful career is a "safe" investment of time and effort - I can get financial gains, property...etc ...all things that I can sell once I do not want them anymore... whereas failure in a relationship = Deadweight loss: you don't get anything back for what you put in once its done. You don't even get to choose when it ends sometimes... sometimes you don't even have a clue it's going to end at all until your partner drops the "I'm ending it" bomb on you. So in that light... is it really so ridiculous that I want to hide in my career right now? It's not rediculous at all but let me offer one last bit of advice (and then I'll subject my phsco-analysis to some other poor bastard). You didn't end upw ith a "deadweight loss." At the start of 2008, I had the worst depression I've ever had because I turned 24 (the age I told myself I would be ruling the world at) and I experienced and total destruction of the career I was working toward and the relationship I was in (largely because I was trying to do both at once). What got me out of that depression was realizing how much I'd actually gained from these awful experiences. A year later, I'm still struggling to achieve my career goals (everyone does in the film business) but I'm so much farther along than I would have thought possible a year ago and have a lot of skills I didn't have before. I also feel a lot more ready to deal with any crysis that comes my way (save cancer, knock on wood). It's really gratifying to know that you're stronger because of a bad experience rather than in spite of it.
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