OCCDAVE Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I met a girl a month back and i wasnt looking to jump into anything since i am coming off a 3 year break up.Anyway we went to dinner all went well i made the dumb mistake of mentioning my ex a few times which may have been the deal breaker.I have not heard from her till now and she texted me this. Im out wit friends now.I think you need more time 2 heal b4 we get to knw each other. I think ur rly cute ,bt ur obsesed with her.U need 2 alone 4 a min.Take som tim 4 urself instead of rushing 2 meet smbdy .im not xcited bout the thought of being a robound. Now i know i did a big mistake by mention my ex but what do you guys think i can do to fix this.I wont lie this girl is kinda cool in all so id hate for this to end cause of what happened.
You'reasian Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Talking about your ex is definitely not a good sign. Really, the ex-es name shouldn't pop up in any conversation at all.
lilmrcheerful Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Hey ya, Well, I think the last thing to do here would be to try and retract anything that you initially said but instead go along with her wishes of being friends and getting to know her more, at least she's left that door open and nothing at all! And maybe don't mention the ex again! Good Luck
Author OCCDAVE Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 I agree but i have come along way since there not a huge change but alot better then that meeting.I don't know how i can convince her ive changed and willing to give us a try.
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Is it accurate that you talked about your ex so much that it can be construed as you still being obsessed by her? If so, then your date's advice to take more time to heal is sound. If not, then maybe your date's idea of what constitutes "obsessive" conversation is out of whack and will be a persistent issue for her. From her perspective, though, there's nothing you can do to make amends right now...she is turned off and has been clear with you that only time will move her mind about your current state of mind. Whether her perception is accurate or not, for her it is that right now you're only "good" for a rebound relationship and she isn't interested.
Author OCCDAVE Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Well i feel she is mistaken about this.Ya i wont lie i miss my ex but i am no way obsessed over her heck i dont even love my ex and if she wanted to get back together id laugh in her face.So what do i do now give it a few weeks and then text this girl saying hey wanna do a lunch or something.
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 So what do i do now give it a few weeks and then text this girl saying hey wanna do a lunch or something. A couple or 3 weeks would be good. You might wanna acknowledge her original concern and say that you do not feel it is an issue for you anymore. THEN ask her if she wants to find out for herself over lunch. Even if her perception wasn't accurate, doing it that way still shows that you know how to listen (we girls are suckers for guys who can do that), AND that you take what she says seriously (we girls are suckers for that, too!) And if you do find yourself in the middle of something about your ex, then just do some fast mental work and find a way for it to be that you're "just using that as a reference point for how far you've come since the break-up, how much you've grown as a human being, how it proves you have no interest in reconciling, blah blah, etc., etc."
dashing daisy Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 There's no "fixing" it really. You didn't necessarily mess up your chances with her--she made it clear she likes you, and that she could also be interested in you as more than a fling. But she also made it clear that she thinks you need time. Wait a while before you contact her again. Wait till you're at a point where you aren't thinking of your ex in normal conversations. When you do talk to her again, don't talk about your ex. Maybe say she was right, you weren't ready to start anything at the time. But you like her/are interested, and now that you've taken some time for yourself, you want to give things with her a shot. Something like that, keep it casual, and don't bring up your ex-girlfriend or she'll think you're still thinking about her.
Author OCCDAVE Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Thanks for some really good advice everyone I hope in 2 or so weeks things are different
carhill Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Two weeks? Optimism abounds... Contact her after you've had a month go by where you don't talk about your ex with friends. That's a really good barometer, IMO.
birdie Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 well I think you should contact her now acknowledging what she said rather then look as if you ignored her text. then give it some time
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 well I think you should contact her now acknowledging what she said rather then look as if you ignored her text. then give it some time Oh, that is SO much better!!! You could say that you've taken what she said to heart (another 'sucker' thing ), will be monitoring your thoughts and words, and she can expect a call from you in about 6 or so weeks -- then you can call her in 3 or 4, which would show that you really didn't need all that much time. And it would be cool if you then actually do start paying attention to your thoughts and words, as carhill suggested...just to make sure that you don't blow it with any unconscious crap that may still be floating around in there.
Author OCCDAVE Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 So do I give it time if so how long.ugh now im worried I may have let a good one get away cause heck in 2 weeks or so she may have another taker.sigh I still remember the dinner we had it went well we talked and laughed and had a good time.she even kept mentioning how cute I looked and I looked so hot lol.it made me feel good cause my ex didn't even tell me that or hasn't for a good while meh.
carhill Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Do something novel, if you do feel a need to acknowledge her text, and *call* her. Tell her whatever you're going to tell her and leave it at that. Remember, you're not responsible for her feelings, only your actions. Do what you believe is healthy and right. If she "has another taker" in two weeks, then she wasn't interested in you and you are not amongst her potentials.
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Give it time before you ask her out again, yes. But you can contact her now to let her know that you are interested and will be contacting her later. The ACTUAL amount of time does depend on your own stage of grieving/healing...which I'm sure you've figured out. You did mention that you still miss your ex, and THAT is what the new lady is not interested in having to deal with. Don't concern yourself about there being "other takers" -- they are not you! She's already said that she is interested in getting to know the 'whole & healed' you. So, when that 'you' shows up, she will either BE available or make herself so. DO NOT WORRY about that part of things. Only concern yourself with being able to present the bestest, most improved version of 'you' at your next lunch. Reiterate: Call her now, just to touch base. In about 3 weeks, call to ask if she wants to "test the waters" with you again. If she says 'not yet', then leave it for another 3 weeks. Patience, young Grasshopper. And in the meantime, just keep working on your own growth and moving forward. It's a win-win formula
melodymatters Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Wait, she just gave you an opening ! Why in the world, would you " wait a month" ? I'd figure you were a flake and write you off forever if you did that ! Call her up, and apologise, explain that your really not obsessed, ask her out and DON'T MENTION THE EX ! This is your chance to prove her wrong !
carhill Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 The classic female mind game. Don't fall for it, OP. A woman of substance knows that you need to work on yourself; she knows how hard it was for her to get over ex'es and the rebounds which resulted. She sounds like she doesn't want to be a rebound. If so, a month is nothing in the scheme of life. If there is mutual interest, you'll find each other again
melodymatters Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Hmmm, interesting how varied the responses are. If I were you I would go back to the first post and figure out how many woman vs how many men are giving you which advice, and then go with the ladies ! After all, you want to date a FEMALE right ?
carhill Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 That's why he should never take dating advice from a woman
melodymatters Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Do you remember the thread about the 3 day rule re: calling ? Most of the woman thought it was silly and game playing and would be a turn off. If I melody, took the iniative to make contact and explain my feelings and was IGNORED, it would be game over. That was an opening to see where he was at, if he was still interested, a chance for him to say " heck NO, I'm not obsessed with my ex, now when do you want to get together agin suzy, so I can prove it to you;) ?" This seems so obvious to me, but go with your own gut OP. If you think I and the " sisterhood" had a secret meeting to figure out how to screw up the OP's chances with this girl then go for it !
carhill Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Men know what works for men. They know what is successful over a broad spectrum of interactions with women. The OP is interested in being successful, not giving her what she wants. What she says she wants and what she really wants are inevitably two different realities. I remember the 20 years or so I went to female friends for advice and took it to heart. Wow, was I stupid. Life heals all wounds but the memories remain and a healthy skepticism is the result. I'll be happy (to be wrong) for the OP to return here, after having *texted* her, and tell us that all is better and they've resolved the issue of the day (the ex) and are happily dating. OP, if you want a man's advice, take a risk, let her know you understand and respect her perspective, and then leave her alone. Send her a nice V-day card Get back to us...
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Men know what works for men. Yikees, now I'm confused ~~ I thought Dave wanted to date a FEMALE But, Dave. If you're looking for man-on-man action ("not that there's anything wrong with that," to quote from Seinfeld) then, yeah...I guess listen to the guys for your dating advice. I do agree with carhill that telephone contact is better because it is personal and takes more time & effort -- shows your level of interest and ability to communicate in a more intimate way. Carhill, I hope you had an excellent Xmas and New Year. Sorry about your 20 year-ago experience -- one of two things happened there: (a) you sought advice from inappropriate sources, or (b) you misinterpreted the wise counsel given. Cos successful relationships include HUGE dollops of each person having the desire and ability to satisfy his/her partner's wants and needs, yes? That is, to give her/him exactly what s/he wants. And/or to compromise, when that is necessary. Or am I misinterpreting your wise counsel? And/or is my definition of "successful" as applied to relationships deeply flawed? Or what is going on???
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 What she says she wants and what she really wants are inevitably two different realities. Oh. Er...nevermind my previous questions. Dave, boys and men. That "theory" may work supremely well for your male-to-male bonding experiences, but to apply it to your female relationships without first adding your own logic, real life experiences, instincts, and the evidence that you see all around you...well, do so at your own risk, is all.
Author OCCDAVE Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Heh now i'm confused like i said i really like this girl but now i'm not sure if i should contact her or wait.
luvg81 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I'd suggest you text her and then wait a while....if u go out and insist that all is well with you now...then she'll definitely feel that you are saying this to please her and you haven't taken her message seriously...which will only worsen the situation!
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