Moshlitzak Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Hey all, I'll get to the point quick. My girlfriend and I broke up, mainly because of me. I treated her badly, even cheated and finally things came to a boiling point and broke up. Now after carefully considering the whole situation, I realized there were a lot of things I needed to change about myself. I also felt confident that this was the girl I wanted to be with. I mean she was the bridge between the immature, selfish egocentric man I was to the committed, humble one I am now. So I decided to put myself out there, apologize for our past and let her know exactly how I felt about her. She wanted time to think, I said take all time you want, she wanted us to move in together, I said good we can wake up next to each other every morning. The problem is now she's stuck in our past, I mean really stuck, I've slowly working on myself, I want to be a better person and I know she would see that if she just slowed down for a second. I feel she's not willing to let herself try at all, she wants to protect herself the most effective way. But this is affecting me greatly, I feel cornered, I feel her hot distrusting breath on my neck, I feel my mobility cut down, my wants and wishes put on hold until she can trust me again. How can I deal with this? whatever I say, she doesnt believe, wherever I go, she thinks im somewhere else. I know I cant do anything about these things and I dont want to lose who I am during this process. She even went as far as texting on of my female friends fishing for information. Another thing I have a hard time dealing with is her temper, she has an explosive temper when she gets upset, I am a laid back person, I try to control my temper whenever possible, I hate yelling and cursing and have told her numerous times about it but she doesnt listen. I feel she has taken ownership of my previous mistakes and using it to justify her unwilingness to be vulnerable and let herself work on us. I need advice on how to act because this has become unbearable
saturnfell Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Hi, How much do you care for this girl? If it's enough, you'll have to wait it out. Unfortunately, there's no easy / quick fix for everything you're going through. She's not going to trust you right away, you'll have to earn her trust back. If she's asking people for information about you, can you blame her? I understand you're trying to turn yourself around and make changes for the better. But please understand, she has a lot of adjusting to do as well. For herself and for you. You mentioned feeling as though she's taking control of the situation. She's taking control of watching out for herself, but her actions are probably not vindictive. I doubt she's tormenting you on purpose. There are some major issues the two of you need to work through. This process if not going to be easy. If the two of you get through this, you will have a much stronger relationship. If she's worth the wait, you have to be patient and understand.
Author Moshlitzak Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Thank you for your response and you're absolutely right about the patience. And I do realize that I have to earn her trust back and if it takes a lifetime then its worth it because she's wonderful. I have tried to understand where she is right now, Her major problem from what I understand is she constantly thinks about our past and it makes her angrier and angrier. When we reconciled about a month ago, she seemed ready and fine, but its been getting worse, we disagree and argue more. Its frustrating that I cant understand what is causing this because she wont talk about it, thats where im stuck.
saturnfell Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Thank you for your response and you're absolutely right about the patience. And I do realize that I have to earn her trust back and if it takes a lifetime then its worth it because she's wonderful. I have tried to understand where she is right now, Her major problem from what I understand is she constantly thinks about our past and it makes her angrier and angrier. When we reconciled about a month ago, she seemed ready and fine, but its been getting worse, we disagree and argue more. Its frustrating that I cant understand what is causing this because she wont talk about it, thats where im stuck. Honestly, she probably won't stop thinking about the past for quite some time. It's part of the healing process. Just because she was ok a month ago, doesn't mean she's going to leave all her worries behind. She was most likely happy to be getting back together. Now is when the two of you have to actually work through the issues. You're going to have disagreements until you get through the initial trust barriers. She'll probably fight you on everything for awhile, even things that are small in nature. There is no line on what she feels she has restrictions to worrying about with you currently. I'm glad you think she's wonderful, that's great to hear. One thing you probably don't want to do is alienate her. If she wants to fight, just listen. Don't figt with her. Let her yell all she needs. She may not know exactly all the reasons she's reacting how she is, and that may be part of the reason why she doesn't want to talk about it. Since you're both aware of the issues, she may not want to keep discussing it either. She may be irritated at the thought. Honestly, don't fight back. Just listen when she gets angry.
Author Moshlitzak Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Thank you saturnfell, I see your point quite clearly and it seems I have a quite a tough job ahead. It doesn't help that I'm not that patient either, but I was wondering is it good for us to be living together at the moment, I think what's key here is taking things slow and working on our issues effectively so does the living arrangement hinder or help? I'm self employed and that requires a lot of self discipline and focus which I can feel being affected by how we are right now. I like to be alone at times to either focus on my work or simply be alone. She's out of a job right now and well she's at home most of the time. I've suggested that she find something to do outside, something as simple as going to the library but that in itself brings out an argument ('that im trying to get rid of her so I can call someone'). And thank you saturnfell for your prompt responses, I really appreciate your input.
Storyrider Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I feel her hot distrusting breath on my neck I'm not sure what you should do, but this line is great! I wish you the best of luck.
Touche Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I don't see this ever working out. You not only probably damaged this beyond repair, but throw in her screaming and cursing and you have a recipe for disaster. Relationships without all the cheating, cursing and yelling can be challenging enough. In my opinion your best bet is to learn from this and cut your losses. You said it would be worth it to spend your whole lifetime making it up to her. Is it really? She's worth being semi-miserable your whole life? She's that wonderful even with her cursing and yelling? I think you're making a mistake. And no, you should absolutely not be living together. You shouldn't even be in a relationship as I said. I do wish you the best though but the odds are not in your favor I'm afraid.
saturnfell Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Of course she's going to think you want her out of the house. Your situation makes it more difficult. Since the both of you are always around one another due to your work situations, you need a bit of space. If you mentioned to her that the two of your shouldn't live together just yet, how do you think she would react? She might think you're pushing her out. You probably do need to take things slow right now. It will be very challenging and you're still going to go through what you're going through. I know a previous poster mentioned that the relationship will never work, and you'll have to wait a lifetime. That is possible, but not necessarily true. People make it through. It all depends on how important it is to you. The two of you should have one date night a week. Also, going away together for a long weekend wouldn't hurt. The two of you need to spend time together bonding.
Touche Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 The OP himself said if he had to wait a lifetime it would be worth it. As for it not working out...sure it can. All I said was that the odds are against it ever working out in the long-run. I hope the odds are with Mosh here, but I'm afraid, knowing what I know about what it takes to have a successful relationship, this one doesn't have much of a chance.
Eyeofthoth Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 You guys need to go to counseling together -- right now! She needs to understand that if she is unable to trust you, then this won't work. It is not just you who has to work to earn her trust. She also needs to work on trusting you and not abusing you for past mistakes.
Roxy24 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Well he should be doing things that could help her trust him again. For example not calling your wife's work then giving some lame excuse like you were talking to the manager about computers.
Author Moshlitzak Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 That's what I've been feeling eyeofnoth, I get the feeling that she distrusts me so much that she's put up this impregnable shield around her. I read a lot about regaining lost trust and found out that the other person has to be willing to trust again otherwise it would not work. She feels that I expect her to wake up one day and trust me to which I said no that's not the case, I simply want her to realize that we are trying to start afresh. As a result, it feels like we are still living in the past. I have adjusted a lot of things that caused her to distrust me in the past but I see no acknowledgement on her end. Here's how serious this is. We went grocery shopping the other day, so we are picking out items together when I decide to save time and go off and pick some items myself. I was gone a whole two minutes, when I came back she had returned everything and was visibly upset and stated she wanted to go home. I asked what was wrong and she said she thought I sneaked off to call someone, no she was CONVINCED, it was downhill from then on. Now c'mon! how does someone deal with that?
Touche Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I'll tell you how I'd deal with it. I'd take my lumps, learn from my mistakes and move on. You screwed up. You admitted it. Unfortunately, she can't get past it. But you don't have to live being punished for your mistakes every minute of every day. I'd tell her "sorry, I screwed up. I can see you're never going to trust me again. I think we should go our separate ways as much as this hurts me. Find someone you can trust." I have a funny feeling she might start trusting you more..if not, no loss. If she doesn't come after you, then it was never going to work out anyway. Why not try it and see? You don't really have much to lose since you're miserable living the way things are anyway, right? What do you think?
LostNLonely Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Reconciled but it's not working you say? Hmm... let's see you say "I treated her badly, even cheated" Ya think? "I feel she has taken ownership of my previous mistakes and using it to justify her unwilingness to be vulnerable and let herself work on us. I need advice on how to act because this has become unbearable" Do what you should have done before you cheated, be a man and walk away and let her heal and find happiness...it ain't rocket science...you were a jerk, as long as you stay in this relationship she'll feel the need to lash-out at you.
Author Moshlitzak Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Touche, Touche lol I wanted to say that. But I hear ya and it seems that I should consider that route. I want us to work out and I think she does too but she says she's unable to get these thoughts out of her head or rather how to deal with them. To answer your statement lostnlonely, I know I had plenty of shortcomings when we were together and I've been very repentant. But that's not what is in question here, we broke up, we talked after a while, I told her how I felt, she reciprocated and said she felt the same way. Its the problems that have come up after reconciling, and I dont understand what you mean by "be a man"? I made mistakes, apologized for them and made the conscious effort to try to be a better person, that's not being a man? oh..
LostNLonely Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 A man conducts himself with honor, what you did was dishonorable. I'm no puritan, but I never cheated on a woman I loved or who understood we were commited to each other, however, I have been cheated on and that hurts big-time. If it's not beyond repair, your leaving and admitting that your responsible for the breaking the two of you up will be a way to begin to behave honorably. And it may go a long way to restoring not only your own self-respect but hers for you. Good luck, I wasn't really bashing on you, but you should know, if you've never been the victim of a cheating spouse/so that it is perhaps the ultimate act of betrayal between tweo people not related by blood. Read up on how women suffer...your not going to feel very good afterwards, but it will give you some badly needed insight. It rips them to pieces.
Author Moshlitzak Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Ah, I see I did notice your post had a bit of an edge to it. Nevertheless I'm sorry for what you went through and I do agree that its a hurtful thing to do. What you seem not to understand from my post is that we DID break up then reconciled. The advice I'm seeking is how to succeed at it, not how to end it. After our break up I told her exactly how I felt, she had the choice to say yes or no and plenty of time to think about it too. Now my concern is that she did not take enough time to figure out how we were going to go about it or what she would have to do and that's why we're in our current dilemma. I don't blame her for how she feels, not at all but I want us to succeed and the way we're going seems not to be headed in that direction.
CaliGuy Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 No startling revelations here, just a comment. This is another reason why second chances are iffy at best. There's a mountain of distrust that you have to get over. You are doing your part but I don't think that she's doing hers. I would suggest that you BOTH go to counseling. Together and then separately so that whatever the main issues are can be addresses and overcome. I don't think you're going to get anywhere (at least not in a healthy perspective emotionally together) until you see a Counselor.
Author Moshlitzak Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 You're right caliguy, I believe our communication has ground to a halt. We simply cannot be civil to each other, frankly I just close up when she starts yelling, cursing and acting out. I had a quick question that I needed advise on urgently. One of my girlfriend's passions is dancing, and she has an audition tomorrow to join a prestigious dance company. I want her to be able to give it all her best, she says dance - wise she's ready but her head is not right because of us and I need to do something to make that better. This makes me feel incredibly guilty because this invlolves her career and I wouldn't want to affect that. I offered to accompany her to the audition but she says I make her nervous!! What do I do? I told her that if this audition is important to her then she needs to get her head right and put all her effort into it regardless of her personal situation. This of course didn't work, she says she can't focus unless she feels better about us but this audition is in a day! what do I do?
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