not_a_happy_camper Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 ok.........i hope i'm putting this in the right forum...............it's an issue that came up during the break-up, and i just want people's opinions......... this was my first relationship. i'd never slept with anyone before. it was important to me to be with someone i felt truly cared. we were together 7 months before we slept together, though he had had other partners before me (only one serious, others flings). 5 months into the relationship, he had put pressure on me to move faster. i put my foot down and said if you want sex, go elsewhere, don't expect me to be waiting when you get back. which shut him up quickly and we stayed together. things were ok after that. and when it finally happened, he said i was worth waiting for. fast forward another 7 months..........and cracks are showing just a little. like he keeps organising weekends around his friends (we were LDR, only saw each other weekends). i'm got insecure..........and asked, would he still be with me if i hadn't slept with him when i did. i felt stupid for asking, like i deserved any answer i was going to get but it had been playing on my mind. answer: god no..........well not now anyway, but you know i love you, and it's about more than sex, don't you? it was like a kick to the stomach. i confronted him about it, shortly before we broke up. and he said he was telling the truth, would he rather i lied? this isn't the reason we broke up...........but part of the reason why i wouldn't want to get back with him ever. what do otheres think of this? he said i was overly sensitive...............i don't think so!!!
starzphalling Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I will tell you for sure you are not overly sensitive, and I might have driven out just to kick him in the nuts after he said that. There's another post floating around here about how people throw sex and the word love around willy nilly. The world we live in wants us to believe sex is just something you do, like going to a movie on the weekend. TV and Movies have taken the real meaning away from it. Now I'm gonna sound prudish on this but this is the logical way (going beyond love, i tend to look at things from a bare bones blunt way sometimes) I look at sex (as a girl at least). You have to love and trust the person enough to know that if you end up pregnant that the other person will be there for you, and that child no questions asked. To bring it to a strictly biological sense, children are the product of sex, no matter what precautions you take its always a possibility, so that's the way I always look at it.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 me too starz. and i can be fairly sure now at least, that if such a thing had happened, i'd literally have been left holding the baby. you're not alone in wanting to kick him.........i should have there and then. but i big my tongue. he couldn't seem to understand why i got so upset about it, or why i was bringing it up when we were breaking up. i should have said something at the time. the reason i didn't is i know he has a habit of not thinking before he speaks, even though he generally means well. but that really hurt. it's just that he knew how much it meant to me to be with someone that loved me back. he said he did......... i don't doubt it. just in a different way........ why do i miss this person so much?!
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 wouldn't mind getting some guys input on this too.......thanks
You'reasian Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Sounds like a raw deal. I'm guilty of starting relationships from ONS, some which have actually taken off in the right direction. And when I want to be with someone, its because I genuinely love them, want to be with them, take care of them and want them to take care of me. I think its rude what this guy said to you. I hope you are able to get out of that situation.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 i am out of it. he dumped me nearly 3 months ago, after other things went wrong. he just didn't seem to see anything wrong with what he said. the thing is, that for so long things were so good with us, that i wondered at the time should it be a deal breaker or not? i know it's silly to look back and wonder now, if i'd handled things differently at the time.............i know he's not good enough for me. but he's not a bad person. he's got a huge heart, and i think with the right person he'd be wonderful. i wanted to be the right person i guess. silly really. it's awful too that i want all of his friends and family to know some of the things he said and did in the last while we were together...............since they all think he's golden boy. (so does he) but i'd never do that to him. i feel awful even saying that.
You'reasian Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Sorry that you feel so negatively about this guy.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Sorry that you feel so negatively about this guy. about him or everything that happened? i honestly don't know how i feel, i yo-yo up and down. earlier today it was "i wish him all the best, i truly hope he finds happiness, because he's not happy". i think it's that there were so many mixed messages he gave me before the breakup, that i'm finding it hard. it was all so confusing. i feel bad saying i want his friends to know what happened......i don't mean that. i'd never do anything to hurt him. i loved him so much. he just really really hurt me.
You'reasian Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 You guys should talk it over. Be there for each other. Reconcilliate. Sometimes you need a breath of fresh air, to think things over and realize what you really want and need from that person... then enjoy really good earthshattering make-up sex.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 You guys should talk it over. Be there for each other. Reconcilliate. Sometimes you need a breath of fresh air, to think things over and realize what you really want and need from that person... then enjoy really good earthshattering make-up sex. that would mean me having to break no contact. it's even more complicated..........because when he was doing the breaking up, i was saying no, i don't want this to be over. nearly two weeks later i sent an email saying we'll never be together again. because he wasn't willing to make the effort to try. we never really did talk about it...........we tried, but neither of us could see eye to eye on what caused the big rift in the end. i'll leave a post about that tomorrow, because i've been leaving all these posts this week without explaining why exactly we broke up. it was so confusing. he basically couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't treat me the same way again, even though he knew how much it hurt me. he didn't see anything wrong with what happened. i'd love to talk to him and reconcile our differences now that things have calmed. but we've had no contact for four weeks bar a happy christmas msg from him, to which i replied the same. but i think he should be the one to break contact. not me.
calculus Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Well I forgot where I heard this from, but it makes sense to me and I'm a guy. Anyway, when you have sex with another person, it's like leaving a part of you with that person and vice versa. It doesn't look good, at least to me, if you're leaving yourself all over the place. Of course you'll probably have a couple of relationships here and there before you can truly find what you're looking for, but being a whore doesn't look good in my book. I'm a guy and while "fwb" looks enticing, I don't think I'd have the heart to go through with it. Because after the first time, I'd probably develop feelings for the person beyond the meaning of "just friends". I just don't know how people can do that act as if there's no deeper meaning besides the physical act of doing it.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 i know what you mean calculus, i can't understand how people can do that and it mean nothing to them. i thought after waiting 7 months, it meant more to him. he lead me to believe so too. i know he'd had one night stands in the past, but i thought i meant more than that. and then he said he wouldn't still be with me? then why did he bother waiting so long in the first place.
TG84 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 i guess to some people sex is just not a big deal. there people aren't emotional, they don't really care at all. they probably end up happier because of their lack of empathy too, which is the funny part.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 i guess to some people sex is just not a big deal. there people aren't emotional, they don't really care at all. they probably end up happier because of their lack of empathy too, which is the funny part. i think you're right there. it was something we never really saw eye to eye on. i guess i just thought when he waited 7 months it must have meant something. or i meant something. his last girlfriend had never been with anyone before him either. although that time he was getting frustrated he did point out that he didn't go round picking virgins, it just happened! in ways it would be so nice not to care............but i feel that would be self destructive............for me anyway
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