Am I suppossed to be offended by, "Let's just be friends."?

[hoartiosans]

I feel crappy, I've been thinking about her all day the last 3 days, and especially when she said we should just be friends. It really p*ssed me off, I wanted to slap her when she said that, how could she just throw away how she felt about me, and ask me to do the same? I hate the thought that she could feel one way one day, then just change her mind the next? Why do dumpers think you'd even want to be their friend after they dump you? Honestly I mean, I never want to see her again.

 

Stupid, I know...Just venting...

[MWH]

I share your sentiment in some regards.

 

I guess they want all the taste but none of the calories, no?

 

Okay I'll be less vague:

 

They want all the benefits of having you in their life but none of the hassle of those pesky little inconveniences such as commitment, honesty, fidelity, responsibility, etc.

 

A great way for them to to assuage their guilt/self-loathing at your expense I suppose.

 

How am I doing here?

 

:-D

[Gere51]

Yes, you have every right to be offended. The "friends" thing comes down to the following:

 

(a) It allows the dumper to be relieved of any guilt they may have over leaving the relationship.

(b) It allows them to keep you on a string in case it doesn't work out with their new flame.

© It allows them to keep tabs on you.

 

You cannot be friends after an intimate relationship. If you do, you'll end up hurting worse later. Tell her you are not in the market for anymore female friends, then plan on never speaking to her again.

[You'reasian]

I feel crappy, I've been thinking about her all day the last 3 days, and especially when she said we should just be friends. It really p*ssed me off, I wanted to slap her when she said that, how could she just throw away how she felt about me, and ask me to do the same? I hate the thought that she could feel one way one day, then just change her mind the next? Why do dumpers think you'd even want to be their friend after they dump you? Honestly I mean, I never want to see her again.

 

Stupid, I know...Just venting...

 

Is there a woman in the wing?

 

Be honest...

[hoartiosans]

Is there a woman in the wing?

 

Be honest...

 

What do you mean?

[burningashes]

It means are you getting under someone else, or on top so to speak?

[EmperorR]

The let's be friends is a peace of crap, do you honestly think once they find a new bf or gf that the new bf or gf will be ok with their ex bf or gf in the wing? and who do you think they will choose someone they have butterflies for or the ex.

 

I did the friend's crap with my ex first and I felt horrible, I couldn't talk to her on the phone, couldn't see her but oh she was always there to talk to me on msn about her new crush f that. I'd rather be friends with a goldfish than a ex.

[carhill]

OP, "just friends" is a reflex mechanism. Most who say don't believe it. It's a lame social lubricant. My wife used it in MC. It didn't offend me at all because I see the world in real terms and accept those terms as my truth.

 

The translation is she's not attracted to you and doesn't want to be with you anymore. Her love for you (if it ever existed) died. That's what I told my wife, and I explained exactly, step by step, how it happened. Honest communication, without anger, brings clarity.

 

Should you be offended? Absolutely, if that's the emotion you want to assign to her action. FWIW, it's an action that's likely been coming for awhile, but you just didn't see it. If she did love you, it takes time to disconnect those emotions. Took me a good two years. YMMV.

 

In any event, I'm sorry for your loss. It sucks when that happens, and I'd say the exact same thing to you if it were you who lost your love and left her. It's still sad.

 

It'll get better, in time, one way or another......in the meantime, accept her words. Don't try to change her mind.

[Gere51]

Carhill, I agree with you completely, and this is what I got when my ex broke it off with me, which made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I still struggle with what went down:

 

(a) "We're perfect together and I do love you; I just don't see it working out." OK, so we're perfect together and you love me, but you dont' see it working out???

 

(b) A few days later I got a couple of texts, which I think were baiting; "I miss you and still love you; I knew it would be hard without you; I was right". Then, another one stating, "Have a blessed life, you deserve it, as close to perfect as a man can be". OK, if I'm so perfect why are you letting me go?

 

© About ten days later she was coming to town with her kids and best friend and asked me to meet her downtown. Like an idiot I did, and I could tell that she was trying to be "detached" from me in front of her friend, but when we were away from everyone she was still affecionate toward me. After I left that night she texted me good night and wanted to know if I would see her again if she came up, however, no mention of getting back together. Go figure.

 

(d) I kept getting texts and calls on occasion, and felt as if she was either no totally detached from me or trying to find out what I was doing. For the first couple of months I responded to her, but the last straw was when she called and started telling me how great life was, how her friends had tried to "fix her up", but it wasn't working for her, etc. Then kept justifying why we broke up. This totally confused me, so at that point I broke all contact. She figured it out and I started getting texts that borderlined on panic, but I never responded. That was the first week of August, and I have heard nothing.

 

So, the point is, I agree with what you're saying about the lack of attraction, but I just didn't feel as if it applied in my case, at least for a while. I'm stll confused about it and don't understand the "let's be friends" thing is this case.

[durotto]

Don't be friends ... and I agree with everyone else ...

 

Someone you love and have a relationship can no longer be your friend ..

 

I mean suppose you call her and she is with the other guy .. who will get priority.. definitely the new guy .. so the it will make it worse ...

 

It breaks my heart to see or even think about my ex with her new bf .. so why put yourself through it ... just ignore her ..

 

For what its worth I am sure there are better and loyal friends than her in your life .. spend time with them ...

 

Trust me I am going through the same thing ... and my ex says I want to be friends with you and naive me .. just to keep hanging on to her I say that yes we should be .. but after coming here and talking to everyone .. no way will I do it and I am in now NC ..

 

Don't talk with her and you will find things getting easier ..

[ATR]

She wants to be friends so that she can cushion her own fall... Her guilt for breaking up with you will become weaker if you stay friends. She is basically saying that you're good enough to hang out with but not good enough to be in love with.

[carhill]

I could type a long answer, but on Sunday morning, I prefer my coffee to a keyboard

 

The aftermath wasn't about you. It was about her rationalizing her actions in her own mind. You'll go insane trying to figure out how women think, so don't

 

Sounds like you did fine with your NC and you'll heal. Remember, all people and all women are not like her. Some are like her. Even under the best of circumstances with the most caring and honest of people, relationships can and do fail and you will be hurt. When will that stop? When you're dead. Hopefully that will be a long time from now

[Gere51]

I fully agree with all of the opinions, and yes, I've stopped trying to figure her out. I will admit that after this long I had a bit of a relapse this past weekend since yesterday was her birthday, and I'm 100% sure she is celebrating it with someone else, and probably telling him the same things she told me in the beginning.

 

Thanks for the opinions everyone.

[carhill]

You're welcome and good luck with your healing.

 

The process will end when, amongst other things, you will not remember her BD in any significant negative way.

[Joker77]

Bro,

 

I wouldn't waste my time being friends with her. I extended an olive branch to my ex a week after she broke up with me. Dumbest thing I ever did. Who the hell wants to be friends with someone who can turn off their feelings and have no regards for yours at the drop of a hat?

[Gere51]

Yes, Joker, no way I would give her the time of day. I personally avoid situations where I could run into her. I do not plan on ever communicating to her again, in any fashion. I will say that the satisfaction I had receiving her "panic mode texts", after I broke off contact gave me a sense of dignity and empowerment.

[Joker77]

Yes, Joker, no way I would give her the time of day. I personally avoid situations where I could run into her. I do not plan on ever communicating to her again, in any fashion. I will say that the satisfaction I had receiving her "panic mode texts", after I broke off contact gave me a sense of dignity and empowerment.

 

That's why you have the upper hand right now. Leave it that way. Good luck my friend.

[Gere51]

Thanks buddy. Always good to get support from those who have been through it. And, I do feel as if I have the upper hand.

[durotto]

Hey Gere and Joker .. both of you are right ..

 

This NC stuff does drive your ex into some sort of action ... as in where she has to talk to you ..

 

Take that you b*****....

 

I don't need you !!!!

[Gere51]

Duratto, you're exactly right. I was actually stunned by her responses, "Are you still alive, haven't heard from you in a while, how is everything?", but the grand finale was when she texted me on 4 August saying, "Have been trying to get in contact with you for a while, now I'm worried about you. If you're not comfortable with our friendship, just say so, but let me know you're ok, otherwise, I'm going to worry then I'm driving to my lost friend's house". That was almost verbatim. I never responded and haven't heard from her, but I have a strange feeling that she'll attempt to contact me again. Don't know when, but it's just a hunch, mainly because she didn't have the last word.

[not_a_happy_camper]

Hey Gere and Joker .. both of you are right ..

 

This NC stuff does drive your ex into some sort of action ... as in where she has to talk to you ..

 

Take that you b*****....

 

I don't need you !!!!

 

that is, unless the dumper also seems to be practicing NC.........doesn't always work, if that's what you want it to do. i'd like him to beg me to come back.................but he's probably shagging like a rabbit.............

[not_a_happy_camper]

Duratto, you're exactly right. I was actually stunned by her responses, "Are you still alive, haven't heard from you in a while, how is everything?", but the grand finale was when she texted me on 4 August saying, "Have been trying to get in contact with you for a while, now I'm worried about you. If you're not comfortable with our friendship, just say so, but let me know you're ok, otherwise, I'm going to worry then I'm driving to my lost friend's house". That was almost verbatim. I never responded and haven't heard from her, but I have a strange feeling that she'll attempt to contact me again. Don't know when, but it's just a hunch, mainly because she didn't have the last word.

 

how long had you gone NC before that happened?

[D-Lish]

It just isn't fair for the dumper to expect a friendship from the person they hurt.

 

You do hold the cards here though. Although you could not control the break up- you can say "no" to the friendship and decide how you want to proceed.

 

It hurts- believe me, I know. I went to see my ex for the first time last night after breaking up before xmas. I had been doing NC- even blocked him from all avenues of communication. He mailed me from a different mail account and asked to meet for a talk. We never did have a face to face- we broke up over e-mail, so I decided it would be healthy to get some face to face time in.

 

I care about him still, but I cannot be friends with him.

He basically told me that he has not been able to connect with a woman romantically in years- that he used to when he was younger, but something has changed.

 

He too wants to remain friends and reap the benfit of my company and affection (sex)... but says that if I fall for him he will hurt me.

 

His actions and words are opposite... but I now believe I have to listen to his words and go back into NC.

 

I did get some closure out of it. I know now that despite how he acts, this will never be a healthy relationship for me.

 

I understand how badly you must be hurting- but NC will get you through it quicker than drawing things out with sporadic contact.

 

When I left this morning he said "please promise me this isn't the last time we can see each other"... It just hurt way too much knowing he's never going to love me like I do him. How can you stay friends in our situations? The bottom line is that we can't.

 

There can be no middle ground. Not when our hearts are at stake.

[Joker77]

It just isn't fair for the dumper to expect a friendship from the person they hurt.

 

You do hold the cards here though. Although you could not control the break up- you can say "no" to the friendship and decide how you want to proceed.

 

It hurts- believe me, I know. I went to see my ex for the first time last night after breaking up before xmas. I had been doing NC- even blocked him from all avenues of communication. He mailed me from a different mail account and asked to meet for a talk. We never did have a face to face- we broke up over e-mail, so I decided it would be healthy to get some face to face time in.

 

I care about him still, but I cannot be friends with him.

He basically told me that he has not been able to connect with a woman romantically in years- that he used to when he was younger, but something has changed.

 

He too wants to remain friends and reap the benfit of my company and affection (sex)... but says that if I fall for him he will hurt me.

 

His actions and words are opposite... but I now believe I have to listen to his words and go back into NC.

 

I did get some closure out of it. I know now that despite how he acts, this will never be a healthy relationship for me.

 

I understand how badly you must be hurting- but NC will get you through it quicker than drawing things out with sporadic contact.

 

When I left this morning he said "please promise me this isn't the last time we can see each other"... It just hurt way too much knowing he's never going to love me like I do him. How can you stay friends in our situations? The bottom line is that we can't.

 

There can be no middle ground. Not when our hearts are at stake.

 

I have never understood people like that. They don't want you, but they want you to stick around and be friends with them and pretend that you never had a romantic history with them. I think that's completely selfish on their part.

[Gere51]

how long had you gone NC before that happened?

 

I had been NC for about 5 days prior to that.