Crestfallen_KH Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I just marked my year-long anniversary from my divorce being finalized. It's been about 15 months since my cheating ex-husband left me for a married co-worker he'd only known a few weeks. Apparently they're still together and doing well. I've done a lot of healing and growing in the past year. I've let go of much of the anger and bitterness and have even forgiven him. I'm happy, emotionally healthy and my life is good - I have no real complaints. At this stage, my concern is related to the degree of cynicism I appear to have developed. Over the past year, I've met a lot of new people, both women and men, and most of these men have cheated in the past. The prevalence of the act has been surprising to me, and while I take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone, I've developed a real fear of getting involved in another relationship again. At this stage in my life, I have no desire to marry again. I'm very much attracted to the idea of remaining single for the rest of my life, and just "taking a lover" here and there - a relationship based mainly on sex, friendship, and with few expectations. I currently have that sort of situation now - good friends, who care about one another, are monogomous, and hang out with one another and enjoy each other's company. To me, it's very satsifying at this stage in my life. But I have to admit that I just feel like some weirdo. While I know I am capable of whatever any other human being is capable of, I seem to be in the minority with my morality and principles. I've never cheated, I have strong, strong empathy and respect for another person's romantic partner and anyone who would leave a relationship to enter into one with me isn't someone who I would consider a worthy relationship candidate; however, most of the people (especially the men I've met, though I in no way believe this is confined to just one gender) have all done at least one of these things, and I guess it's left me with sincere doubt about the longevity of real love, the sincerity of commitment, and the willingness to trust and fall in love again. I'm truly happy for those who have found love, but I guess I'm just too cynical to entertain the idea that the benefits of being in a "normal relationship" outweigh the negatives, risks and issues that come with it. I'm not really sure I have a question as I've spoken with my therapist, and she verified that my feelings are pretty normal at this stage. I am also open to the possibility that, down the road, I might be open to a "normal relationship," but right now I'm happy with where I'm at. Is there anyone else out there who has maybe been in my shoes and shared (or currently shares) my sentiments?
Surfer Dude Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Sister, you're not the only one. The fact that my ex fiance cheated on me and dumped me took a serious toll on positive aspects of my personality. Not only have I become cynical, but I've also started making misogynistic remarks, I've become a bit narcissistic and I'm not really the nicest person anymore. But I'm trying real hard to fix it. I won't let this whole mess keep me like this forever. I will drop these new bad traits and I will try to replace them with positive ones. Self work is the only way to change the things about ourselves that we don't like. The fact that we're aware of them is extremely important, we're halfway there.
MWH Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I think a breakup sets us swinging like a pendulum; We were way over in one direction while in the relationship. Now everything has changed and we swing over to the opposite. Its a coping mechanism. Eventually, with some effort on our part, the pendulum will swing back in the other direction but of course not quite as far. Tick tick tick tock and eventually, if we work on ourselves, it will eventually settle right in the middle where we belong- neither one extreme nor the other. Corny analogy but it kinda makes sense me thinks! Thoughts?
pleasebelieveme Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I am a man who very much feels that way about women - that they are difficult to trust, that they'll cheat when they think a better option comes along, and that long-lasting love is tough to find. I am a relatively good looking guy, with healthy ambition, a good career, a good personality and sense of humor, and above all great morals. I've never, ever cheated on any woman I've been with. And, I can't imagine ever doing so. But despite what I feel like I have going for me, it seems I haven't been able to attract the same type of person. So on this point, I completely empathize. I think all we can do is hope. I don't know of any specific data pointing to this, but I believe that most women and most men do not cheat. Perhaps for people like us, we've just been nothing more than unlucky. We simply have to stay positive and hope! -pbm
smiiiley Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 being cheated on hurts alot...emotional cheating in my opinion is so much worse than physical..and if its both, then thats even worst..but we gotta hang in there...at least we know were not alone... being cautious is normal i think after we've been hurt, it would be weird to be as naive and as trusting as before...but we cant let our past experiences completely make us believe that everyone will do us wrong...hopefully someday we'll find the right people.
sunshinegirl Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Being cheated on definitely made me cynical. To this day, over 8 months since we broke up, at some point in my day I think "OMG! Did he really cheat on me?!" or "****! He cheated on me! And he's still with that hooch!" as though I am still in shock and denial. Part of the aftermath for me has been becoming VERY self-protective, and somewhat in disbelief that the kind of great relationships I see all around me (and there are many in my life) is ever going to happen for me. I found myself getting mad at a recent widower (his wife died 11 months ago) who has ALREADY met someone new and is serious about her. What the **** is wrong with the universe that everybody else gets to play this game (and some more than once) except me? Hee hee. See? I even cross over into bitterness, not just cynicism. So...you're not alone. (But I definitely don't want to stay here...self-fulfilling prophecy and all that...)
Zapbasket Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I don't quite share your situation in that I was never married and have never been cheated on, but I can identify with the feelings of cynicism about the longevity of relationships that you describe. For 5 years, from age 25-30, I was with my ex, and I really felt us to be each other's best friends. We both referred to the other as our best friend. I never thought my ex, if he were to break up with me at all, would additionally make sure to violently sever every thread of our relationship, so finally and thoroughly that when he called me recently nearly 2 years after the breakup (first time he contacted me in all that time, after sending me an email in Feb '07 telling me, in the coldest way imaginable, to get lost), I felt the severing was so complete that there was nothing I could possibly say, neither casually nor about the relationship we had. I feel pretty confident at this point that I have "moved on," but the reality that the person who shared such an important time of my life with me, and for such a long time (1/6 of my life), could cut me off so coldly and degradingly and never look back has left a trace of gray on the palette of how I perceive relationships. It's like before I never felt that anyone was discardable; now it feels to me that at any moment any of us could throw someone away at the drop of a hat, or be thrown away. As I heard someone say to me recently, to my horror, "It's just people; you can do with them whatever you want." LIke cheat on them, lie to yourself and lie to them about your commitment to them, play along for a while and then get rid of them when they no longer meet your fancy at the moment. Now it seems to me a very lucky, rare, and great achievement to stay married for 10 years, let alone a lifetime...or even to get married at all. I don't feel this cynical in all parts of me. But I do sometimes feel like, what's the point, if the person you believed to be your true best friend could just ditch you and that would be that, no discussion, no remorse, just a cold ending and no reason or opportunity ever to be in each other's lives again. The only thing I have that squashes this cynical tendency when it crops up is this: I can't live out the rest of my romantic life in reaction to the actions of ONE person. My ex, after all, certainly had his issues and was definitely not the be all, end all of men. It was but ONE unfortunate circumstance in romance, and as time goes on I may end up simply viewing him as an ass. So why should I turn current and future romantic prospects into asses a priori, based on this one (possible) ass?
dead-dyke Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Hey - I'm there w/ ya Crest- I'm afraid my ex wife has just burdened my future relationships w/ trust issues. Cynical? BIG TIME. I really don't see myself entering that institution ever again. That's for the crazies. Vows and morality have no meaning anymore. If it ever did. I would never have slept w/ someone else on her the way she did to me. Never. I'm not sure there is anyone that would come close to my moral fibre. She did a good job of fooling me though. What goes around, comes around? Yeah? When? I've heard that all my life, and it never seems to ring true. So EFF it. I doubt I'll take that chance to trust again.
Surfer Dude Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 The upsetting and depressing thing is that most people are actually willing to cheat, presented the opportunity and knowing their spouse/partner won't find out. Not minority, it's majority of people. I just look at my friends. They seem good and decent people, I have fun hanging out with them. But half of them cheated on their partners at some point, with little or zero remorse. We need to get comfortable with the fact that the chance our partner will cheat at some point is very high. People just don't see much value in morals and faithfulness, as much as others do (us for instance) and that's where the discrepancy comes from. It's sad, but it's the way world works. People are like that, they don't see anything wrong about cheating. Same thing like people don't see anything wrong in killing others (just look at all the wars, terrorism etc). This society has zero respect for morals and people's feelings. Only money is valued. Was this too cynical? Well I feel this way.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Is there anyone else out there who has maybe been in my shoes and shared (or currently shares) my sentiments? My partner and I both do. Which is exactly why this works so well for us: I currently have that sort of situation now - good friends, who care about one another, are monogomous, and hang out with one another and enjoy each other's company. To me, it's very satsifying at this stage in my life. Of course, after nine years it’s become more than just a “situation”. For us it’s a genuine relationship --- one we hope stands the test of time. Happy to remain this way for an entire lifetime so long as things between us remain the same. And if they don’t, neither one of us have become so dependant on the other that we’ll be left floundering for what to do. While we may be picking up the pieces of our hearts, we won’t be left trying to put back together the pieces of our lives. I think what constitutes “normal” is different for everyone, based on our own values and how we think we measure up to the perceptions of others. If a “normal relationship” to the outside world means married and miserable or “all’s fair in love and war” ... then I’ll settle for being weird and happy. But I have to admit that I just feel like some weirdo. While I know I am capable of whatever any other human being is capable of, I seem to be in the minority with my morality and principles. I've never cheated, I have strong, strong empathy and respect for another person's romantic partner and anyone who would leave a relationship to enter into one with me isn't someone who I would consider a worthy relationship candidate; Well, from one weirdo to another ... I’m happy to meet you. We’re not alone you know. While I believe we all eventually learn the same life lessons, we don’t always go about learning them the same way. Or with the same results. Just do what everyone else does ... convince yourself that you’re the only one left on the planet that’s actually sane and it’s the rest of the world that’s gone crazy. Seems to work just fine for everyone else and it will save you lots of $$$ on couch time.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Thanks for the replies everyone. Some very thoughtful responses here... GC, I get what you're saying, I really do, and that (not letting one bad apple spoil the barrel) was my original intent and feeling as well. But it's not just my ex who contributed to my cynicism. Actually, I was really open to trusting and trying a "traditional" relationship again despite being cheated on. I just considered him "one of the bad ones." But, like Surfer Dude, I've subsequently met many people who have lied and cheated in relationships, and it almost became overwhelming. One of my friends, who left his ex-wife for his now SECOND ex-wife, was upset because he believed second exW had cheated on him. This frustrated me, and I asked him "Why is it that you are so focused on the pain second exW caused YOU, yet you are making excuses for and not acknowledging what YOU did to your first wife, now that you know how painful it is?" His response? "Welcome to human nature." I was just disgusted but it really brought me back to reality. There's so much goodness and kindess in this world but when it really comes down to it, I really do think we are all inherently, extremely selfish individuals. I've just been reminded of and made aware of the level to which we as human beings can be selfish and lack empathy over the past year, and THIS is what has essentially led me to my current level of cynicism. btw, nice to meet some fellow "weirdos..."
dead-dyke Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Hey, Crest - I'm like you, only really aware in the last year or so. Do you ever get the feeling that simply coming here, feeds into the cynicism in a toxic way? Because that's all there is here, is mass disappointment. Sometimes I think I'm doing my psyche harm by reading, and reading. Barely anyone is done right by in here. Sometimes I find my mood will take a down swing if too much is read here, anymore.....
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I have a high level of cynicism too. Partially because I entered into a relationship with a guy already in one (though we were sort of involved before and the relationship was a short one - not excusing myself but I always think its important to point out). As such I can recognise in myself that I, as a person who I always held up to be respectful and good, did something bad. And I think THAT allows me to be cynical. The fact that I DID it. But now I know I couldn't do it again. Because i've had the time to look back and see that I was behaving selfishly, disrespecfully and inconsiderately. And that is not me, nor the person I want to be. I am still with the guy now, 2 years on...but that cynicism stays with me, deservedly so...because of how we got together. I do think though, coming from someone that hasn't been altogether innocent (though she thought so at the time) that actually you can do something bad and realise it...and NEVER do it again. I wouldn't EVER cheat on him or hurt him. He may cheat or hurt on me - but I couldn't do it. I have the same disgust and repulsion for this kind of person (so I guess part of that is directed inwardly). For instance I went on holiday to Malia PURELY for the teenage experience. Everyone there was promiscuous, drinking non-stop and out of their heads on drugs. People were there who had been in relationships for 3 years - cheating. A married woman with a baby came away with two friends and cheated on the first night out there! And I was so dissillusioned at this thosand strong culture that go on these kinds of holidays - I questioned why I even went....and don't want to go again...if I did it would be in a moment of self-loathing... And then on tv...in clubs...in magazines...nothing seems lasting or real. I know for myself I want a partner to love and cherish and be faithful to me...and me to him. We all do:) I find it strange how we all have that desire to be loved...but most humans don't seem able to reciprocate it. They want a faithful partner without being faithful. But these forums do give me hope to see people posting like this. It shows there are actually quite a lot of people who are capable of love, commitment and trust and thats beautiful to see:)
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 I do think I'm able to keep what I read here in perspective for the most part; I mean, this is a relationship Web site, and if things are happy and great in your relationship, you're probably not going to be here. But yes, sometimes I see a new "I've been cheated on..." post and there's yet another one to add to the ranks and it makes me sad. My cynicism really grew "out here in the real world," though.
dead-dyke Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I do think I'm able to keep what I read here in perspective for the most part; I mean, this is a relationship Web site, and if things are happy and great in your relationship, you're probably not going to be here. Thanks - So true. If my marriage hadn't gone tits up, I'd have never known this place existed. Very good point.
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I developed my cynicism before i'd even entered into a relationship myself. Witnessing my friends screwball lovelife's was enough to scar me vicariously. I have a friend who purposely got knocked up by her druggie boyfriend, I have friends in LTR's who have cheated (some know, some don't), I have friends who secretly want to get back with their exes, cheat on holiday, are secretly gay, fancy other people to a crazy and unhealthy extent, there's 'friend-incest' where everyone links back to the other, a friend who lies about having threesomes, friends that break up every month.... I've seen an example of 1 relationship I held up to be the pinnacle shock me to my core when I discovered BOTH had cheated on each other. And in all this delusion I think, MAYBE my relationship is the real, genuine one. And then in my cynical mind I think - with those statistics, i'm kidding myself! I kind of wait to find out i've been cheated on the way things are. That's kind of why I hate my generation. They seem to want their love life's to be as dramatic as soap operas to be satisfying or fulfilling.
CaliGuy Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Meh being single the rest of your life isn't so bad. Marriage is hard work and while I would prefer to have one woman the rest of my life, I won't live unhappy if I don't.
Surfer Dude Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I developed my cynicism before i'd even entered into a relationship myself. Witnessing my friends screwball lovelife's was enough to scar me vicariously. I have a friend who purposely got knocked up by her druggie boyfriend, I have friends in LTR's who have cheated (some know, some don't), I have friends who secretly want to get back with their exes, cheat on holiday, are secretly gay, fancy other people to a crazy and unhealthy extent, there's 'friend-incest' where everyone links back to the other, a friend who lies about having threesomes, friends that break up every month.... I've seen an example of 1 relationship I held up to be the pinnacle shock me to my core when I discovered BOTH had cheated on each other. And in all this delusion I think, MAYBE my relationship is the real, genuine one. And then in my cynical mind I think - with those statistics, i'm kidding myself! I kind of wait to find out i've been cheated on the way things are. That's kind of why I hate my generation. They seem to want their love life's to be as dramatic as soap operas to be satisfying or fulfilling. Exactly. I really want to believe that someday I will meet a wonderful woman who won't cheat on me, but considering I've been cheated on before, and considering the statistics, that's highly unlikely. Maybe I'll luck out and hit a jackpot though. You never know. I hope I do. Hope and dreams keep us alive don't they Hopefully then I will be able to look at our disgusting cheating (de)generation, acknowledge their existence but know that they are not my problem. Till then, it hurts too much even to look.
Trialbyfire Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Crestfallen, experiencing infidelity is something no one can understand until they've personally experienced it. Even then, different people handle it different ways. Some remain bitter and cynical and others, break out of it. You're someone who can break out of it because you're self-aware. When you're ready, you'll anchor yourself to something inside of you and be ready to fly again. Never let someone else drag you down into the gutter. You're worth waaaayyy more than that. Believe it.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Thanks, TBF. While I don't consider being in a safe, respectful, monogomous, "unrelationship" as being "dragged into the gutter," I know what you were trying to say. I do believe that there is a chance I'll have faith again someday. Maybe I'm just at the other end of the pendulum, as MWH says. If so, I'm fine hanging out over here for awhile. At least I'm in control, safe, and ok with losing what I have if it comes to that. I do hate to be operating from a place of fear as I've always generally been fearless, but the past year has all been about navigating new territory. And I'm certainly not unhappy. I do still believe that hope is a good thing...maybe the best of things...
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Thanks, TBF. While I don't consider being in a safe, respectful, monogomous, "unrelationship" as being "dragged into the gutter," I know what you were trying to say. Sorry, the dragging into the gutter is your cheating ex having impact on someone of your calibre. Frack him. He's yesterday's news. Today, maybe tomorrow or the next day, whenever you're ready to believe and fly, will be yours.
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