Sex After the Affair

[vnqsh2001]

I'm not just saying this to brag. I think I have a relatively high sex drive. I'm in my late thirties, but my sexual desire and ability is almost the same as when I was eighteen. Sometimes one climax is not enough to satisfy me. I often wait about five minutes and do it again; maybe even for a third time.

 

I've read statistics that say men usually have sex with their partners an average of 1-2 per week. For me, that seems pretty low, though as I recall that was about the amount of sex I had with my first wife. I've even heard some women relate that their husbands have sex with them about once a month. I can't imagine that. I went crazy after my divorce and starting having a lot of sex with many different women, then I stopped that and got married again. It wasn't unusual for me to have sex with my current wife about 5-7 times per week; maybe more. How often do you people out there have sex?

 

Anyway, my wife had an affair and that has really messed me up inside. I felt a strong desire to have sex with her directly afterward, but I was angry as hell when I did it. I guess I just wanted to prove that she was still mine. Later, I found that I couldn't get it up automatically like before. I had to get a little foreplay and encouragement from my wife in order to get what came so naturally for me before that. It still worked, just not nearly as easily as it usually did.

 

After the angry sex abated, I found that sex was a painful thing for me. Every time I do it I can't stop picturing that other guy pounding away on my beautiful wife. I began to feel disconnected from the act; like I was just a piece of meat or a dildo.

 

Questions started to plague my mind. Did he hold her like this? Did he touch her this way? Did they do it in this position? Did she show that expression when he did her? Was she looking at him that way? Was she thinking of him while doing me? What was he thinking as he did her? All of these and a million more. Finally, I just told her that I had to know all the explicit details because it was too difficult to keep asking myself.

 

She didn't really feel comfortable telling me. It was really difficult for her to describe it. But after a few months, she finally managed to give me the bits and pieces of what they did. I mean, it still doesn't sound like the complete picture and she didn't tell it all in one fluent description, but at least I have a better idea and the questions have abated somewhat.

 

Do you think I did the right thing by finding out all of this stuff? Is this a common thing to do? Do you think I may have actually done more harm to myself by asking things that are too painful to really accept?

[Geishawhelk]

Do you think I did the right thing by finding out all of this stuff? Is this a common thing to do? Do you think I may have actually done more harm to myself by asking things that are too painful to really accept?

Yes.

This is self-inflicted pain, and we do it to justify our anger and resentment.

If you know all the details, you have a right to reproach her and continue being angry with her, because it gives you lots of ammo.

It the torture of a thousand cuts.....

 

You have to stop and ask yourself why you wanted or needed to know all this.

How it has now affected the way you view her.

Whether you have forgiven her.

Whether you trust her.

Whether you still love her.

And whether it is worth doing both IC and MC.

 

I think you could do with it.

[vnqsh2001]

Yes.

This is self-inflicted pain, and we do it to justify our anger and resentment.

If you know all the details, you have a right to reproach her and continue being angry with her, because it gives you lots of ammo.

It the torture of a thousand cuts.....

 

You have to stop and ask yourself why you wanted or needed to know all this.

How it has now affected the way you view her.

Whether you have forgiven her.

Whether you trust her.

Whether you still love her.

And whether it is worth doing both IC and MC.

 

I think you could do with it.

 

The reason why I wanted to know was because I couldn't stop asking myself. My imagination ran wild and cut me even if she didn't tell me. It seems that the reality is actually much easier to accept than the scenes I had imagined. I also needed a reason to trust her. I wanted her to tell me the truth about something that was difficult to say. I wanted her to prove that she could communicate with me.

[Geishawhelk]

The reason why I wanted to know was because I couldn't stop asking myself.

 

So instead of imaginary torture, you went for the real kind....

 

My imagination ran wild and cut me even if she didn't tell me.

 

You lose some, and you lose some.

 

It seems that the reality is actually much easier to accept than the scenes I had imagined.

yes, because now you have something concrete to think about, insrtead of possibilities.

 

I also needed a reason to trust her. I wanted her to tell me the truth about something that was difficult to say. I wanted her to prove that she could communicate with me.

 

And do you trust her now?

 

Forcing somebody to be forthcoming about something they feel uncomfortable with is a warped kind of revenge.

"You did this to me, now you can squirm".

You only made her do these things to succumb to you and accede to your demands. This wasn't for her benefit. This was for you.

You felt you needed to have the full picture, but it hasn';t really moved anything forward, has it?

 

Do you trust her?

Have you forgiven her?

Does she now communicate fully with you at all times?

 

Counselling.....?

[vnqsh2001]

So instead of imaginary torture, you went for the real kind....

You misunderstand. The pain was real either way. But I think the imaginary pictures hurt even more because what I imagined was like something out of the most intense porn movie I'd ever scene.

 

yes, because now you have something concrete to think about, insrtead of possibilities.

Possibilities are a lot scarier to deal with, aren't they? Real or imagined, there was no way to stop thinking about it without giving myself a lobotomy.

 

 

And do you trust her now?

She hasn't shown enough commitment to honesty yet and not enough time has passed. But I want to eventually get to that point.

 

Forcing somebody to be forthcoming about something they feel uncomfortable with is a warped kind of revenge.

"You did this to me, now you can squirm".

You only made her do these things to succumb to you and accede to your demands. This wasn't for her benefit. This was for you.

Yes, it was a sort of revenge. Am I just a punching bag that takes abuse and never fights back? I don't think so. I don't want to be too terrible about it, but I don't want to just let her get off from this Scott free.

 

And I never even suggested that it was for her benefit to tell me. It was absolutely for my own benefit and peace of mind. I am the one having trouble sleeping at night because of what she did; not her.

 

You felt you needed to have the full picture, but it hasn';t really moved anything forward, has it?

Actually, I do feel it has helped me cope with the pain a little. I'm just not sure how much of my healing is simply due to the natural progression of time. So far, I don't feel it has made anything worse, but I'm not sure how it's going to affect me down the line. That's why I'm looking for comments from others.

 

Have you forgiven her? Does she now communicate fully with you at all times?

No and no. I think that's going to take more time and whole lot more work, but I'm willing to try.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

You misunderstand. The pain was real either way. But I think the imaginary pictures hurt even more because what I imagined was like something out of the most intense porn movie I'd ever scene.

I was in a relationship where the beoch cheated on me. It was only a gf but I was very upset. I would ask questions such as what your asking because I had this image of them your describing. The worst thing that could happen I thought it. I had to ask to get some sort of closure to the problem.

 

I never did forgive her for it though. Sex was never the same afterwards. It was like she was tainted.

[Geishawhelk]

Intersting that in both my posts I have discussed and/or suggested counselling and ou have avoided/omitted responding.

Do you want to go to counselling?

Do you think it would do any good?

 

And here's a poke in the chest I'd really like you to consider -

 

if the answers are 'no', is it because you actually don't want to move on, and would prefer to remain in a vengeful state, in order to gain the upper hand and make her squirm?

 

You seem to be intent on getting some kind of payback.

 

Much as it might feel good right now, this is NOT a constructive way to go, engenders equal hostility and resentment on her part and will take twice as long for you both to move on from.

Revenge and resentment will not move you forward.

They keep you stuck.

But hey - do you want to savour it just a little while longer?

 

Don't go too far now.....

[vnqsh2001]

I was in a relationship where the beoch cheated on me. It was only a gf but I was very upset. I would ask questions such as what your asking because I had this image of them your describing. The worst thing that could happen I thought it. I had to ask to get some sort of closure to the problem.

 

I never did forgive her for it though. Sex was never the same afterwards. It was like she was tainted.

Thanks for sharing that. I felt the same way. It hurt like hell to hear the details, but at the same time I felt relieved afterward. I just sort of bit my tongue and let her speak. It didn't sound as bad as what I kept imagining, so I breathed a little sigh of relief; a faint one, mind you.

[sadintexas]

The reason why I wanted to know was because I couldn't stop asking myself. My imagination ran wild and cut me even if she didn't tell me. It seems that the reality is actually much easier to accept than the scenes I had imagined. I also needed a reason to trust her. I wanted her to tell me the truth about something that was difficult to say. I wanted her to prove that she could communicate with me.

 

Some people don't want to know the details. Others do. I did. My imagination of what had happened was way worse that what actually happened. They're called "mind movies" and sometimes the only way to deal with them is knowing the truth. I disagree that you're punishing yourself or her by wanting to know. For some people, it's just part of the healing process.

[jwi71]

OP-

 

Totally normal to have those thoughts - I went through exactly the same process. I mean exactly. Heck, I could written your post - its exactly what I went through.

 

My wife, like yours, resisted answering them and only recently began to answer with details. And in bits and pieces. And the story is sometimes different -not too terribly though. I do not sense any intentional deciet - I think time has clouded something she would rather forget.

 

I think it comes down to how a cheating wife thoroughly and completely challenges her spouse's "manliness". It may not be her overt intent but I promise its the first thought in our minds. Bigger? Better? Did you cum? Did he? What position? And on and on and on. We are simply responding to a threat/insult to our masculinity and our identity as men. Its normal. Its OK in my book. In fact, I must know in order for me to move forward becuase the mental movies are far worse than reality (I hope).

 

So keep asking. Keep hearing the story. Keep killing the questions your mind conjures. And if you find it helps, keep going down the path. And if you cannot recover from the mental movies or quit answering the quetions constantly - it may be too deep a wound to heal w/o professional help.

 

So - NORMAL. Perfectly normal to ask.

 

My wife thinks I'm nuts and the only man on Earth who would ask that. This, btw, is aimed at my wife who does lurk here. See? I'm NOT nuts for asking.

[Zolie]

...Anyway, my wife had an affair and that has really messed me up inside. I felt a strong desire to have sex with her directly afterward, but I was angry as hell when I did it. I guess I just wanted to prove that she was still mine.

 

See, that's the problem we humans have. We think we 'own' our spouses/partners. And we think that once they agree to be with us, then that automatically stops them from having any thoughts, desires, attractions, etc about other people. Big mistake.

 

We don't own other human beings, and just because they sincerely agree to be exclusive with us, doesn't mean they automatically turn off their attractions to other people. People in relationships are not in protected bubbles that excludes the rest of humanity.

 

After the angry sex abated, I found that sex was a painful thing for me. Every time I do it I can't stop picturing that other guy pounding away on my beautiful wife. I began to feel disconnected from the act; like I was just a piece of meat or a dildo.

 

Questions started to plague my mind. Did he hold her like this? Did he touch her this way? Did they do it in this position? Did she show that expression when he did her? Was she looking at him that way? Was she thinking of him while doing me? What was he thinking as he did her?

 

This seems to be very common with people whose partners have cheated. I can understand that. But, I think the best way to get around it is to remember that the cheater simply made a choice to try someone else out. It usually doesn't bear any reflection on you, the original parter. The cheater is not so much cheating on you, as they are sampling another, er, sample.

 

I know that sounds cold and probably doesn't make sense, but what I'm trying to say to you is that what your wife did was not really 'against' you - it was just separate from you. She is her own human being, and she had the need to try someone else out. This was *not* because you weren't doing a good job - it was just a choice she made.

 

Argh, I'm not doing a very good job of explaining what I'm trying to say. I'm just trying to help you see that it doesn't matter how he held her, or how he touched her, etc. It has nothing to do with her relationship with you. It's just something she did. She shouldn't have done it, but since she did, you will be better off relegating those thoughts you keep having to a nicely closed box with some duct tape wrapped around it.

[You'reasian]

I know that sounds cold and probably doesn't make sense, but what I'm trying to say to you is that what your wife did was not really 'against' you - it was just separate from you. She is her own human being, and she had the need to try someone else out. This was *not* because you weren't doing a good job - it was just a choice she made.

 

Argh, I'm not doing a very good job of explaining what I'm trying to say. I'm just trying to help you see that it doesn't matter how he held her, or how he touched her, etc. It has nothing to do with her relationship with you. It's just something she did. She shouldn't have done it, but since she did, you will be better off relegating those thoughts you keep having to a nicely closed box with some duct tape wrapped around it.

 

Cheating is generally a negative action in a relationship. Harmless flirting and attraction to others is expected, but would she feel the same way if he went out and did the same thing?

[Zolie]

You make a good point, and it actually adds to my point, or the point I was trying to make, that didn't quite make sense, lol.

 

Every person I have ever known who cheated and was then cheated on, was appalled that their partner cheated on them. They all felt like their own cheating was "different", meaning they didn't see it as hurting their partner the way they now feel hurt that they are the cheat-ee.

 

IMO, most people who cheat are not doing it 'against' their partner to hurt them - they are doing it 'separately' from their partner.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that the only way we can master the hurt when we find out our partner cheated, is to separate it from the relationship we have together. And not dwell on it or measure it against our own relationship, like the OP is doing. I was trying to help him vanquish the thoughts he keeps having about the other guy 'doing' his wife.

 

Which reminds me - the OP didn't say anything about how the other guy felt about his wife, or how she felt about him. Instead, he was more concerned with the other guy 'pounding' his wife and 'doing' his wife. Women are usually more concerned with the emotions that occurred in their partner's affair; but men are usually more concerned with the mechanics of the sex in their partner's affair. So, I was just trying to let the OP know that the mechanics of the sex with her lover had nothing to do with how she feels about her husband. I'm postulating, of course, but it was my way of trying to help him.

[vnqsh2001]

See, that's the problem we humans have. We think we 'own' our spouses/partners. And we think that once they agree to be with us, then that automatically stops them from having any thoughts, desires, attractions, etc about other people. Big mistake.

I disagree. When we decide to get married we give a promise of fidelity and loyalty to each other. We give a part of ourselves in devotion. We are not slaves, but rather "combined" or bound in some sense. Thus, the marital partners belong to each other much in the same way that your own body belongs to you. That's the agreement we make just as surely as you make an agreement when you sell your car. Perhaps that is not a good analogy, because we are not inanimate objects. Perhaps a better comparison would be a lawyer who agrees to offer his services to you. You can then say that he is your lawyer. In fact, our language alone denotes a certain amount of possessiveness. I think my wife would become rather annoyed or even offended if I introduced her to people as "a wife" rather than "my wife." People we met would likewise be confused by such language.

 

just because they sincerely agree to be exclusive with us, doesn't mean they automatically turn off their attractions to other people. People in relationships are not in protected bubbles that excludes the rest of humanity.

I agree. People cannot turn off their natural desires and shouldn't be expected to avoid every thought that is in harmony with nature; to do so would bring untold psychological harm. But they can preclude any harmful actions to their spouse and should be expected to do so. People are not controlled by these desires like puppets on a string. They decided whether or not to act upon them.

 

I know that sounds cold and probably doesn't make sense, but what I'm trying to say to you is that what your wife did was not really 'against' you - it was just separate from you. She is her own human being, and she had the need to try someone else out. This was *not* because you weren't doing a good job - it was just a choice she made.

Unfortunately, this is not entirely the case. Part of the thrill she got from the experience was the knowledge that she would harm me emotionally. She wanted revenge for everything that she perceived I had done wrong to her; though her emotions had clouded her judgment and perceptions. She did it with the full knowledge that I would be hurt once I found out. She did do something intentionally against me as surely as if she had stabbed me in the chest with a knife.

 

you will be better off relegating those thoughts you keep having to a nicely closed box with some duct tape wrapped around it.

Are you trying to say that repressed thoughts and emotions cannot do any serious harm to your health and well-being? This doesn't sound like good advice to me.

[vnqsh2001]

IMO, most people who cheat are not doing it 'against' their partner to hurt them - they are doing it 'separately' from their partner.

What those people are doing is simply putting all thoughts of their partner aside. They are not separate at the time of the action, which is why it hurts the significant other. It's like if I held your hand and then touched an electrical power source. You would be hurt because we were, in fact, still bound to one another at the time of the action. The only way to avoid hurting the other is to separate before doing it.

 

Which reminds me - the OP didn't say anything about how the other guy felt about his wife, or how she felt about him. Instead, he was more concerned with the other guy 'pounding' his wife and 'doing' his wife. Women are usually more concerned with the emotions that occurred in their partner's affair; but men are usually more concerned with the mechanics of the sex in their partner's affair. So, I was just trying to let the OP know that the mechanics of the sex with her lover had nothing to do with how she feels about her husband. I'm postulating, of course, but it was my way of trying to help him.

That's because apparently there wasn't much emotion from either one of them. It was just sex, attention, and fun. In that case, there's really nothing more worth mentioning. Oh, well there was also anger and revenge.

[Zolie]

Part of the thrill she got from the experience was the knowledge that she would harm me emotionally. She wanted revenge for everything that she perceived I had done wrong to her; though her emotions had clouded her judgment and perceptions. She did it with the full knowledge that I would be hurt once I found out. She did do something intentionally against me as surely as if she had stabbed me in the chest with a knife.

 

In that case, ignore my advice, lol. If she had an affair only to hurt you, then shame on her for hurting you and using the other guy. That is just nasty.

 

What are the perceived wrongs you did to her? Did you also have an affair? Was her affair a revenge affair?

 

Are you trying to say that repressed thoughts and emotions cannot do any serious harm to your health and well-being? This doesn't sound like good advice to me.

 

No, that is not what I was trying to say. I was trying to help you to stop hurting yourself by constantly trying to measure the sexual acts she had with the other man, with the sexual acts she has with you. I was trying to help you see it's two different acts, and has nothing to do with you, and was not about your technique, etc. But, since I was wrong about that, then forget I ever posted. I was clearly on the wrong track.

[vnqsh2001]

So - NORMAL. Perfectly normal to ask.

My wife thinks I'm nuts and the only man on Earth who would ask that. This, btw, is aimed at my wife who does lurk here. See? I'm NOT nuts for asking.

I don't know if you're nuts or not, but apparently you're not the only one who had those thoughts.

[vnqsh2001]

What are the perceived wrongs you did to her? Did you also have an affair? Was her affair a revenge affair?

Zolie, you should read my other post title "My Wife Cheated on Me" for further details. No, I didn't have an affair on her. There were a lot of excuses she came up with for justifying what she did, but none that could validate her heinous actions. In fact, a lot of the reasons she felt unhappy with me were caused by her unfaithful heart and actions to begin with.

 

No, that is not what I was trying to say. I was trying to help you to stop hurting yourself by constantly trying to measure the sexual acts she had with the other man, with the sexual acts she has with you. I was trying to help you see it's two different acts, and has nothing to do with you, and was not about your technique, etc. But, since I was wrong about that, then forget I ever posted. I was clearly on the wrong track.

Your intentions are noted and appreciated. I am trying to look at it from different angles and give myself some peace on the matter, so I don't discourage advice of this nature whatsoever. Thank you.

[vnqsh2001]

I disagree that you're punishing yourself or her by wanting to know. For some people, it's just part of the healing process.

This is how I felt too, but I sometimes had my doubts. This validation was what I was hoping for. Thanks.

[Zolie]

The only way to avoid hurting the other is to separate before doing it.

 

Ahhhh, but as we have seen by countless other threads here, separating before doing it doesn't guarantee against hurt! When our partner leaves us for the express purpose of having sex with someone else, or having fallen in love with someone else, it still hurts. It's all about feeling rejected and hurt no matter when it happens.

 

...apparently there wasn't much emotion from either one of them. It was just sex, attention, and fun.

 

That, believe it or not is what I was trying to say in the first place. It doesn't matter to your relationship with each other, because it was just about sex and attention and fun, as you said. Certainly you two have more substance than that, right?

 

If I were you, I would be waaay more concerned with the fact she felt the need to strike out against you, than I would with how the other guy held her or how he pounded her. Get my drift? Their sex act was fleeting. Her resentment of you apparently goes way deeper and could be more long lasting.

[desertmoon]

Vnqsh: Sex was never good after my H cheated on me---as a matter of fact, he had to profusely beg and/or used force in order for me to give in and during the act I pretended I was somewhere else--singing a song in my head, running the grocery list in my mind, etc.-sex happened between us, once or twice a year--he can't have me again--sorry, but that is just how it is. I never asked how he felt about the woman, or women-never asked why he cheated --he wanted to tell me but I said I didn't want to know. I suspect telling me would have alleviated his guilt. I kept all the questions to myself...because I had asked myself "What would I do with the information?" and I did not know what i would do with it--- so I had a nervous breakdown instead. After that, I worked on emotionally freeing myself from him. We are still married. It is a good partnership, i think.

 

OP, you have to decide what you are going to do with the information you have forced out of your wife. I agree with Zolie, most affairs are self-serving acts---nothing to do with the spouse--everything to do with the cheater. BUT if your W did it to do harm to you, my goodness, YOU have a a BIG problem in your hands...perhaps instead of focusing on how the other man was "pounding" your wife---focus on fixing what ..er.."drove" her to do what she did to hurt you, no?

[Geishawhelk]

And still he ignores my suggestions about IC and MC.

 

Do you not want to work with your wife to both move on and remedy this, and use it to make you both stronger, not victims?

[vnqsh2001]

Ahhhh, but as we have seen by countless other threads here, separating before doing it doesn't guarantee against hurt! When our partner leaves us for the express purpose of having sex with someone else, or having fallen in love with someone else, it still hurts. It's all about feeling rejected and hurt no matter when it happens.

You're right about that, but it's still the right thing to do. It still lessens the pain somewhat. I would venture to say that it doesn't hurt quite as much, because you can at least find some consolation in the fact that you weren't betrayed by a thousand little lies. In fact, the lies hurt me much more than the sexual act, that's for sure. It's the lies that did the most damage.

 

That, believe it or not is what I was trying to say in the first place. It doesn't matter to your relationship with each other, because it was just about sex and attention and fun, as you said. Certainly you two have more substance than that, right?

I think it does really matter, because it's also about trust and respect; which she almost totally destroyed. She also showed an utter lack of care for my own feelings, so there goes the substance we shared. Everything was built on lies and so the entire structure of our relationship is crumbling for lack of a solid foundation.

 

If I were you, I would be waaay more concerned with the fact she felt the need to strike out against you, than I would with how the other guy held her or how he pounded her. Get my drift? Their sex act was fleeting. Her resentment of you apparently goes way deeper and could be more long lasting.

First of all, I'm not going to sit around wondering what I did wrong to make her do this. If someone murdered my sister, I'm not going to care too much what motivated him to do it either; at least not at first. The first thing I'm going to do is handle my own grief and anger regarding what happened.

 

I see what you're getting at. In fact, I probably would have given the same advice to someone were I not experiencing the pain of it now. But once you're hurt by it, everything connects in your heart a little differently. I feel emotions and thoughts I didn't even know I had. Whether it's social conditioning, instinct, or just repressed baggage; I don't know. All I know is that it isn't what I expected and is therefore more difficult to control than you may imagine.

[vnqsh2001]

I said I didn't want to know. I suspect telling me would have alleviated his guilt. I kept all the questions to myself...because I had asked myself "What would I do with the information?" and I did not know what i would do with it--- so I had a nervous breakdown instead. After that, I worked on emotionally freeing myself from him. We are still married. It is a good partnership, i think.

I may be wrong, but I think this is a reaction more commonly shared by women rather than men. Are there any other men out there who felt the same way you did? I'm just curious. If men usually want to know, then that may explain why he offered to tell you. He might have thought it would ease your mind a little; not understanding that you really didn't want anything to do with the information.

 

OP, you have to decide what you are going to do with the information you have forced out of your wife.

Let me clarify that I did not "force" information out of her. I was not standing over her with a hot light and a rubber hose interrogating her like some KGB agent. I just let her know that I really wanted to know; that I needed to know as part of the healing process. She reluctantly volunteered in a show of remorse.

 

I'm not planning to do anything with the information. That's what some people may be misinterpreting. I wasn't gathering more ammo to launch at her. Lord knows, I had than enough of that already. No, I just wanted to lay my terrible imaginings to rest and get just a little peace. It seems to be working.

 

I agree with Zolie, most affairs are self-serving acts---nothing to do with the spouse--everything to do with the cheater. BUT if your W did it to do harm to you, my goodness, YOU have a a BIG problem in your hands...perhaps instead of focusing on how the other man was "pounding" your wife---focus on fixing what ..er.."drove" her to do what she did to hurt you, no?

Obviously, that wasn't the only reason she did it, but it was part of it. You're right. I do have a big problem. More than you may realize, because she cheated with her ex-boyfriend whom she never broke contact with throughout the six years we were together. After the affair, I also found out she cheated on me while we were dating and before we moved in together.

 

I'm not trying to focus on the OM pounding my wife. I don't want to think about that. I just can't get it out of my head. I find that this betrayal has spun me out of control. It's made an emotional wreck of me. That's why I felt I had to know. There was no other way to calm my imagination.

 

And before I can fix what's wrong in our relationship, I'm going to have to fix what's wrong with me. There is plenty of hurt now that she betrayed me. It does horrible things to a person's self-esteem. The last thing I need right now is to sit around analyzing what is wrong with me and wondering what I may have done wrong. I know I wasn't perfect. But I'm going to have to give that some thought after I've healed a bit more.

 

As for what "drove" her to do it: I can tell you that. It was a taxi driver. :)As for who or what made her do it; only she can take responsibility for that. She can sit around and justify why she did it all day long; but those are just words. It still won't change the fact that she is responsible for her own actions; reprehensible as they may be.

[jwi71]

Ahhhh, but as we have seen by countless other threads here, separating before doing it doesn't guarantee against hurt! When our partner leaves us for the express purpose of having sex with someone else, or having fallen in love with someone else, it still hurts. It's all about feeling rejected and hurt no matter when it happens.

 

No - you are comparing apples to oranges.

 

This is the saddest attempt I have ever read to equate the pain of divorce with an affair. It sounds like something a cheater would say to be honest - an attempt to minimize or justify the devastation left in his or her wake:

 

"No matter what it hurts, so instead of leaving, I'll cheat and string them along"

 

These are not even close.

 

Sorry, you are certainly free to to believe that divorce and cheating have the same emotional impact but it just isn't true.

 

The only way your posts make any sense to me (with the continued minimization of the BS devastation) is that you are a cheater trying to justify yourself.