Bitter as a lemon

[amandaparker503]

Hi.

 

Well i have gone through a huge change as a person, i have done the whole stupid act when dumped, broke the rules, learnt some lessons and cried the river.....

Its been nearly 5 months. Things are better , people tell me i am much better.

However , I live in a rural town and keep bumping into the ex and his new girl.

 

I am bitter, i will be honest, i can not get my head around the fact that this guy was so jealous of me , always saying there is something about you manda, dont know what it is , just some thing about you. so needy, always doing things for me, loved me so much (his words!) and really wanted a child with me and introduced me to his kids and family and he loved my son (so i thought) a lot and wanted everything with me, told me that he has never let anyone into his heart as much as he did me..yet he kept a secret from me, my space flirting and using facebook, i didnt even know about it , and the mad thing is he is now dating a new girl has been since week 2 of our split , she doesnt have kids, doesnt drive, works in a shop , is young and bascially everything i wouldnt expect him to want in a girl and he is all loved up and happy again ...

..Really i know he meant it all , but wham bham..a week after crying and beging me to have a child and move in with him, he is is telling me i dont love you anymore, i dont feel the same...

..I have heard the story about the fact they check out...i totally understand that, but if he had checked out, then why the whole drama the week before.

 

 

I know he is trying to get on with his life, he seems very happy.

 

It is me with the problem, as i am left behind trying to figure out , is it just maybe he is a words man..maybe he is telling her the same stuff, he is very emotional, when i met him, he said it as love at first site, his soul mate, he used to send me songs to listen to that reminded him of me, he is very deep..

Did i get caught up in the whole emotional world of his and it has left me knocked for six.

I did love him very much, i didnt want to move as fast as he did but as a relationship everthing was there, the good sex, the interests , the communication..it was just a little firey at times when we argued.Nothing in my eyes that you cant fix when you try..

 

..I dont think anyone wants a relationship to fail when you finally meet someone where all the boxes appear to be ticked. ahey?

I guess also, i will never know 100% if he cheated on me..i have a gut feeling he did, the facebook girl has been on there since the day i found out he used it and it is the same girl i see him with. She knows me to look at , but she doesnt look at me.

 

For some strange reason i cleared the air with my ex and we are mates, we say hi and goodbye and that is it, just polite.

 

Its tough in a small town, its tough when you see a guy who in my eyes was totally in love with me , suddenly act the same with a new girl...he even walks the same walk with her(sorry i know that sounds odd, but he has this walk and i used to say to him , i like it when you walk like that..and blow me down..when i see them..he is doing the walk! )

 

If anyone has any good tips on challenging the thoughts and challenge my constant need think how happy he must be, that would really help me, currently i am trying to say NO , He is not a nice person , he is not who i want in my life..its early days, maybe i can convience my sub consious

 

I know that some of you know he left his wife pregnant for me. I didnt know about it at the time, he called me 3 days after out our first date and said he had something to tell me and that is when he told me he had just left his wife and is living alone and by the way i have 2 kids and one on the way.

I have had session in therapy where we talked about my own morals regarding why i carried on with him etc and i dont want to go into it , but its not great what i did in short.

His wife never knew about me. He introduced me to the kids and wife 1 year later when things were settled down i guess.

 

So maybe i was an escape out of his marriage , some say once a cheat always a cheat.

 

I have questioned my self time and time again about why i care. I dont care about him as in i dont love him anymore.(That took a while)

But i do care about him being happy (does that make me care) , i hate it that he is happy and doesnt give a dam about hurting me and my son and to the point he acutally would not speak to us both when he saw us for months. Painful for my son.

 

What is crazy is he Personal Trains a top Cognitive Therapist who writes for some big magazines and this guy thinks he is such a cool person..as does everyone in this small town, all the people with money , he trains, he is obessessed with their success and i find it shocking that people like this dont see through what he is really like.

I know it took me to be dumped to start putting the puzzle together, bbut even when we were dating i questioned him many a time about things morally (to long to fit it al in here!)

He gives a impression of this really together guy,yet he is so inscure it is unture.

He told people how hurt he was when he split with his wife, yet he was with me, he did the same when he split with me...yet he was with another woman at least 2 weeks later. They all fall for his lies, because he keeps himself to himself and it is so hard for me to stand back and watch this all unfold ..the bigger picture.

 

I deserve what i got in many peoples eyes for dating a guy who left his wife pregnanat for me, but i cant explain why i carried on with him apart ffrom the fact i fell in love with him and for 2 years i was still in love with him and i honestly thought for the first time in my life , this was going to be it, the one who i could try and work towards a future with. Lately i have also had the thoughs that maybe i wanted to be the one who can show him life isnt about material things, show him life can be happy and full of love and to trust and learn and grow. I dont know anymore!

 

Please i dont need a hammering about what i did wrong as that is not the advice i seek here, i have learnt from my mistakes and mark my words the only difference i can do is make sure i 1) never let him back into my life 2) never , ever do it again.

 

Sorry its so long. I am really have a mind clear out.

I feel i have come so far , yet i still get this bitter emotion go through me.

The thoughts of him and his happy life hurt and i feel when i can stop being bitter and stop thinking about his perfect life, i might just crack the final stage of this whole dirty mess.