kashmir Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 A lot of history behind this, so semi-long post. If you want to skip history, just go down to the bold and assume that this girl D is interested in me. Back in my senior year of high school, my friends would come over my house and drink and party in a smaller separate house we had in the back, though I was really straightedge and didn't drink myself. They'd usually bring this group of 3-4 girls along. Back then, one of these girls was obviously really into me (we'll call he D), but I didn't reciprocate for a number of reasons. First, I was just outright shy. Second, I was too worried that my parents would find out. And lastly, I was going through really hard mental illness and just was not in any condition to do anything with girls. Eventually I stopped the partying after my dad found out. Fast forward to last summer, between my freshmen and sophomore year of college. We have the same parties, but now I'm more laid back, drink myself, and just have fun. The same people come, including D. In the year and a half between these parties, I saw her once at a concert that both myself and my friends were playing. We didn't talk, but she smiled at me a lot, and I remember being really attracted to her. From the time of that concert to last summer, though, she was *kinda* seeing this guy, a former bandmate of mine. They never really were thought of bf/gf, they just hooked up a lot. Anyway, so when I saw her over the summer, I talked with her a lot more. She mentioned several times how different I was than when she last saw me. She told me that back a few years ago she got discouraged around me and thought I was unfriendly, and that now she likes that I'm much more outgoing and friendly. I knew this was a sign that she still liked me, maybe even more than before. One time we cuddled a bit on the couch while her guy was off talking to her friend. I probably would have moved on her, but her quasi-boyfriend was always at these parties. Honestly though, I don't care about him. He's given me very little respect, so I don't owe him anything. He also gave her little respect, since he's had a past with her 2 friends and always seemed to maintain those ties. Anyway, here comes the part where I think I might have hurt her. At the last party, she brought a friend. I thought this girl was attractive (but not as attractive as D. This girl ended up leaving before D. When D was leaving, for whatever reason I called her aside and asked her about her friend and whether she was single. I could tell she was a bit disappointed. We were both drunk, so we agreed to talk later about over IM or whatever. The following day I sent her a message via facebook reiterating what I asked about her friend. She never replied. I haven't spoken to her since our last encounter. I don't know what was stopping me from going for her and asking her out instead of her friend. I have no idea why I went for the friend. I know if I was in her position and I liked a girl and this girl came to me and asked me about my guy friend, I would be pretty disappointed. I guess the only thing that was stopping me from going for D was the presence of her quasi-boyfriend at these parties. Really what I want to do now is talk to D. Her quasi-boyfriend is out of the picture and she's fully single now. He would be the type to give me **** for going for this girl, but I realized that I don't care what he thinks and that my relations with him are already crappy so I've got nothing to lose. I don't know how to approach this girl now though. For some odd reason I don't have her number (yet she has mine somehow), but I was thinking of getting it and calling/texting her saying that I'd like to meet up with her to catch up. If she accepts and things go well, then I might have the chance to show her that I was stupid and it was really her I liked, not her friend. But I'd like to know...have I been too much of a jerk? Will I be able to bandage this? I'm very positive this girl likes me, but I feel like she might avoid me now because I showed false yet very strong signs that I wasn't interested in her. What spurred me to think of all this is I had a party a few days ago and that group of girls (including her friend that I asked about) were there...all except for her. The girl I asked about is also kinda a bitch too.
kdark Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Call her up and ask her out sometime. But you have to make it very clear that you are into her and not her friend. She may think you are just using her to get to her friend, so make it explicitly clear that you are into her.
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 She's now going to think you're jamming up to her as second-best option. man, you've just given yourself double the work! Do you know where she lives? Send her some beautiful flowers and tell her (in the note to go with them) that you've been trying somehow - anyhow - to pluck up the courage to ask her out. But you've bottled it so many times and made a hash of it, you don't know what else to do..... Please would she call you? Just an idea.....
Author kashmir Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Call her up and ask her out sometime. But you have to make it very clear that you are into her and not her friend. She may think you are just using her to get to her friend, so make it explicitly clear that you are into her. Ideally, I'd like to start up contact with her again, which would quickly lead to me asking her out for coffee to catch up. Then, I'd like to explain everything to her. As I said though, I don't have her number, though I can easily get it. I'll write something to her via facebook. That might not get a response, but if it doesn't, for once I'm going to try a bit harder and not give up right away. There are times when it's just dumb to keep pursing a girl, but I think in this case the only way to get her attention is to be relentless. She's worth it too...really beautiful and sweet girl. She's now going to think you're jamming up to her as second-best option. man, you've just given yourself double the work! Do you know where she lives? Send her some beautiful flowers and tell her (in the note to go with them) that you've been trying somehow - anyhow - to pluck up the courage to ask her out. But you've bottled it so many times and made a hash of it, you don't know what else to do..... Please would she call you? Just an idea..... She's definitely not a second choice, but I wouldn't blame her for thinking that she is. I need to find a way to let her know this. I'm not doing the flower thing though. That's just plain desperate at this stage.
torranceshipman Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 A guy would think flowers are a dumb idea but it works on us girls I think this is quite a sweet story - from a female perspective, you need to lay this on the line with her and be honest like you were in this post. Just a short message would do, something like: 'I really like you, and have done for a while, but I've been a bit of a dumbass about showing it - I was trying to play it cool at that party by asking about your friend, as I was finding it tough to deal with seeing you with your boyfriend. I just hope I didn't come across as a jerk by doing that! Anyway, let me know if you'd like to hang out and grab a cup of coffee some time soon.' Whatever you say, make the situation clear, as otherwise I think you'd seem too flaky for her to bother making an effort for/taking seriously. Good luckl!
Author kashmir Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 I thought that's why you were posting! Because I'm desperate? Hell no. If nothing happens with this then I won't care. I just figure it's worth it to act on an opportunity than to sit and do nothing. Torrance, I like being honest. I find too often that being honest leads to creepy or awkward situations, but this is a case where I think honesty is truly the best policy. I had a bad experience with flowers for a girl once. I'd only give a girl flowers if she's been my girlfriend for well over a year (or some long time), not to a girl that I'm not even dating or one I've only been dating a few months or so. I already sent her a fb message just asking how she was and how I was disappointed she wasn't at a party I had the other day. If she doesn't respond to that, I'll assume she's trying to avoid me and I'll just be honest with her. I've got nothing to lose if I do that.
Rikku Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 She was probably hurt by that. I know if I really was into this guy and I brought over a friend and he was asking questions about her I would be discouraged and not really be into him anymore. Somehow get into contact with her, if it's throught her girlfriends or not, and tell her you miss her company and would like to see her again sometime. If she brings up the other girl, just say you had a friend who was single and he's looking so you were keeping an eye out for him. But I also agree with the above, make sure you make her feel like you like her for her and not to get to her friend, that's a critical point there.
zenith Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Because I'm desperate? Hell no. If nothing happens with this then I won't care. I just figure it's worth it to act on an opportunity than to sit and do nothing. Torrance, I like being honest. I find too often that being honest leads to creepy or awkward situations, but this is a case where I think honesty is truly the best policy. I had a bad experience with flowers for a girl once. I'd only give a girl flowers if she's been my girlfriend for well over a year (or some long time), not to a girl that I'm not even dating or one I've only been dating a few months or so. I already sent her a fb message just asking how she was and how I was disappointed she wasn't at a party I had the other day. If she doesn't respond to that, I'll assume she's trying to avoid me and I'll just be honest with her. I've got nothing to lose if I do that. just take your time, dude... and contact her again, but if she doesn't respond (again), just move on!
BobSacamento Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I think you made a good move to be honest. Why would she even bring her friend if she didn't want her friend to meet new people? I think this move will make her take a hard look at her current situation. Right now you are probably a back up plan for her and now that your looking for something else it's putting her on the spot.
Author kashmir Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 I'm not pursuing this any more. I wrote her something and she responded, but I'm not going to respond back. Something is telling me to not get involved with this girl.
Isolde Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Kashmir, in the future, I really hope that you go for the girls you are most interested in. Are you sure this situation is hopeless, though? Can't you just stay friends with her for now and then see where things go? At your age, lots of relationships begin casually anyway. The fact that you're sort of keeping your options open right now shouldn't negate a possible relationship with this girl.
Author kashmir Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 It's not that this is hopeless. I still think I have a chance with this girl. It's just that I'm getting this feeling that I'll regret it.
Konfuzion Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Try just being honest about why you asked about her friend instead of her, then ask her out.
the_blur Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Can you sanitize the exchanges between you and post them? They would help, maybe you're reading too much into them?
Author kashmir Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 You mean the most recent ones over the internet? Those are just friendly exchanges. They mean nothing, nothing except I've contacted her after not talking for a few months. I'm not saying they hold any value, but other signs from the past do mean something.
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