Author polola303 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 I don think he has a real issue with porn... I can't be sure. Sometimes I think I'm making too big a deal out of things. Truth is he just doesn't initiate sex with me, now I have learnt all I have to do is put on a little show and it works like magic, so that makes me happy. Saturday, when I came back form my trip, I got lucky 3 times in one day and twice in a row, which is sooo unusual for him. He did enjoy it, I could tell. But now what happened yesterday has happened before, now what I'm wondering if he chooses porn over sex cause he has some sort of ed and with them he feels no shame, he doesn't let them down. Or if he has problems with me because I'm not some chick on his screen. It could be either one. He smokes a lot, he smokes weed and he is overweight, and I do suspect he might be suffering form depression. He has accpeted to go to counceling. I will stick by him if he does. The question is if maybe that's why he prefers porn, cause he can't let them down.
JackJack Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I don think he has a real issue with porn... I can't be sure. Sometimes I think I'm making too big a deal out of things. Truth is he just doesn't initiate sex with me, now I have learnt all I have to do is put on a little show and it works like magic, so that makes me happy. Saturday, when I came back form my trip, I got lucky 3 times in one day and twice in a row, which is sooo unusual for him. He did enjoy it, I could tell. But now what happened yesterday has happened before, now what I'm wondering if he chooses porn over sex cause he has some sort of ed and with them he feels no shame, he doesn't let them down. Or if he has problems with me because I'm not some chick on his screen. It could be either one. He smokes a lot, he smokes weed and he is overweight, and I do suspect he might be suffering form depression. He has accpeted to go to counceling. I will stick by him if he does. The question is if maybe that's why he prefers porn, cause he can't let them down. Like I said, there sounds like a number of things that may be contributing to whatever is going on with him. Hopefully whatever it is you and him can work it out if its what you both choose to do, good luck.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Polo, from the things you have posted, I have seen so many negative things about this guy and can't for the life of me figure out why you stay with him. What are a few of his positive qualities? Do any of them outweigh the negative? Are they enough to outweigh the fact that your relationship is the best it is going to be right now and will go downhill from here? What exactly are you holding on to? Are you afraid to let go? What do you want out of life in terms of a relationship, and why are you trapping yourself in this one?
Author polola303 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Polo, from the things you have posted, I have seen so many negative things about this guy and can't for the life of me figure out why you stay with him. What are a few of his positive qualities? Do any of them outweigh the negative? Are they enough to outweigh the fact that your relationship is the best it is going to be right now and will go downhill from here? What exactly are you holding on to? Are you afraid to let go? What do you want out of life in terms of a relationship, and why are you trapping yourself in this one? I don't know! I ask myself the exact same question everyday...I just don't know whay I can't let go. I do love him, I have no doubt about that, this is certainly not the kind of relationship I want, but to be honnest we used to be soo happy together, he arrived just at a very difficult stage in my life and he made me soo happy and made me enjoy life again. There was always something odd in our relationship, he's not your average guy, he still lived with his mom and he's 35! I think that has a lot to do with all of his issues, they treat him like a baby and haven't given him the chance to see he can do things on his own. In a way I guess I feel the need to know i did absolutely everything I could before I let go. But I'm still not ready. He is so sweet and affectionate, he's sooo easy going and usually just goes with the flow, he used to want to be with me all the time, we did everything together and had a great time. When we had sex he was very giving. He was always by my side when I needed him, even if he didn't do anything he was there for and with me. All that has changed but I guess I feel a bit responsible, I pushed him too hard, I demanded too much (too much for him not in general) and when things weren't turning out ok, he just stopped trying and completely pushed me aside. I think he already had his issues obviously but in a way I made them worse so now I need to do everything I can to make it better. I love him and would love to spend the rest of my life with him, but not like this. I want us to be happy again.
JackJack Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I think there is a part of you that feels the need to be his rescue person if that makes sense. You want to make things better for him, and while that is admirable its not really your responsiblity. I don't really see where you did alot to not help the situation and I do think you're right, those issues he has were obviously already there. Personally I feel if those issues are not addressed and resolved or at least started to work on by him they wont get much better, no matter how much you feel the need to help him. He has to help himself as well, and that to me is part of the problem as well.
Author polola303 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 He has to help himself as well, and that to me is part of the problem as well. He has agreed to go to counceling, even without me nagging, could be that deep inside he has aknowledged he has a problem, he won't talk to me about it cause he could be afraid of being judged by me. So if he goes to therapy and keeps going and if I go on my own as well maybe we'll be able to work things out. I really appreciate veryone's input. it's really good to be able to "talk" to someone, I feel so lost in this whole situation.
JackJack Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 That is great he has agreed to go to counseling, at least that is a first step, and he has to start some where. Let us know how that goes.
filipinafriends Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 yes, counseling is good decision, in our country, couple here did not aware of the situation. they need the third person to settle the problem.
steveraves Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I've skimmed through several of the posts. It does sound like he has some symptoms of depression. The problems with guys and depression is that it makes them feel weak. The 2nd thing and maybe more relevent than the depression is the porn. Watching porn together may not be a bad thing, may not be good either. Him watching it by himself is a problem for these reasons: 1. He's taking care of his own needs without you, so in a way he doesn't need you to satisfy that area of his life. 2. I think watching porn desensitizes him towards you. You're no longer the fantasy in his mind, the porn stars are. If the porn wasn't in the picture I think things would be different. You might want to see if he would be willing to give up the computer for awhile... Put a password on the computer that only you know so you can have some control over his computer use. It seems drastic, maybe he'll go for it, maybe not. As long as porn is his focus you won't be. I have to say the computer in the bathroom is a bit different. Good luck!
Author polola303 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Thanks for your input steveraves but i just found out he has used maybe still uses escort. Total deal breaker. So now it's not just the porn, but hookers? not much left to do there....
Athena Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Let me get this straight -- so he uses porn, masturbates, and uses escorts for sex, but he will not give you more sex even though you ask him for it? Is he punishing you by depriving you of what you want? Does he even love you?
Author polola303 Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Let me get this straight -- so he uses porn, masturbates, and uses escorts for sex, but he will not give you more sex even though you ask him for it? Is he punishing you by depriving you of what you want? Does he even love you? I don't think he has used escorts sine we have been together, even so it hurts to know he's had enough drive to fins a prostitue but not enough to have sex with me. I have come to really fully understand the fact that he is sick, he has a tendency towards dependency, the pot, the porn, his mom. He feels safe there. I have moved out, we said our good byes and we both cried our eyes out. He said he would get better so we could be together, so that I could come back. In a wasy I think he has finally admitted he has a problem. It was all so sad. I'm hoping really that he will wake up and get help. Not just so we can be together which I WOULD LOVE (even though I know he will always be an addict) but for himself, for him to have the spark back in his eye. Now he's very distant, I do miss him, but I have felt happy and calm, not the way I felt for the past 5 months. I wish my feeling of emptyness would go away.
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