polola303 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I've been reading through the posts and I'm amazed to see how I'm not alone. My boyfriend won't have sex with me. We've been living together for the past 4 months and at first I'd get "lucky" once a week, but now it's 2 weeks or more. He just doesn't feel like it. He never kisses me other than a peck on the cheek or sometimes on the lips, if I try to kiss me he'll move his head so I end up kissing his forehead or something else, if I undress in front of him he looks away, if I leave the bathroom door open while I'm taking a shower he'll close it, etc. I've talked to him about ti, he just gets all defensive and says he doesn't need anymore than that, that he's not a sexual person. I've asked him to go see a therapist together, since it is normal for one person to have a higher/lower libido but he doesn't want to go, he keeps on saying he doesn't see a problem and he doesn't understand what I'm flipping out over. I'm sooooo depressed. I'm fit, slim, attractive, he's bald, has a big beer gut, hates to excercise, smokes all the time, so if there's was someone who shouldn't want to have sex it should be me. But I feel so attracted to him, I find him so sexy, and I want him. I've explained that sex to me is very very important in a relationship, he won't accept it. then just last week I found his porn, a lot of it. A LOT. So I guess that's why he always keeps his computer in the bathroom. I'm really sad . And now I freak when he looks at other girls, why won't he look at me that way? Des anyone have any advice? Please help me.
JackJack Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Do you feel its a deal breaker for you? If so cut him lose. If not, then talk with him. Perhaps his porn habit is an addiction or he is just embarrased by it. If its alot and he would rather look at that than be with you, then yes, he has a real problem that needs to be addressed. have you told him you know he looks at it? Have you told him its ok (that is assuming its ok with you) and that maybe you both could view it together?
OpenBook Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Let's see... Balding, beer gut, not interested in sex with you, looks at other women, has lots of porn - and keeps his computer in the BATHROOM??!? Honey, it's time to move on.
Author polola303 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 I don't know how often he looks at it... he always told me he didn't like porn, I like porn, I have always been very open about it, I have suggested we watch it together, but he always said he didn't like porn. Now turns out he has a bunch of videos of nubile girls. And a bunch of pics as well. I have suggested dress up, role playing, different kinds of games, and nothing. After the videos I thought maybe I could try and do what I saw, but I'm so afraid of being turned down again. I know it's time to move on, I can't be in a sexless relationship, sex is a beautiful thing between 2 people that love each other, it's very important for me in a relationship, and it's also very important for me to feel wanted and sexy. I have tried to leave but haven't succeeded yet. I just wish evrything would get better.
Author polola303 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 I had asked him why he kept his computer in the bathroom, I thought it was kind of funny, he says he watches music videos, like some of us read and stuff... I do know he loooves to watch his music videos, but I'm not buying into that story anymore. hahaha
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 You have to confront him with this. You have to get him to step up to the plate and discuss it. I see issues here of possible very low self-esteem on his part. (Maybe he looks at you and thinks "What is she doing with me?") or perhaps he sees you as 'flaunting yourself' and is in denial because you can't be like those slutty tramps he sees in piorn. I'm not saying you are, I'm saying that it's maybe why he can't bring himself, in his mind, to view you in what he considers to be the same kind of light.... Take his computer and show him what you've found. if he gets mad, then get damned mad back. But air this, bring it out into the open and try to sort it. If you get nowhere - then that's where this relationship is also going. At a guess.....
Author polola303 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Geishawelk, I think you're right I have to confront him more directly, I have already told him how I can't believe he has always denied liking porn, and that I don't understand how he can prefer watching porn than being with me, but I just get so frustrated cause he won't say anything back the only thing he said made it worse "what? it's just some little honeys I have there" that statement made me feel sick. When we first satrted going out he took a really long time to make a move, then he finally did, I asked what took him so long and he just said "I view you as a beautiful delicate flower and don't want to do anything bad to you". Sex is not bad! I think he has issues with sex. I don't know, I think I should just leave him, but I will try to confront him once more, I'll show him I know what he's hidding.
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 .....he just said "I view you as a beautiful delicate flower and don't want to do anything bad to you". Bingo. There it is right there. Exactly what I said. He can't equate being sexually turned on by you, with those girls he views in porn. he's got the madonna/whore complex - only you're the madonna, and they're the.... he does have issues. And they're blinkering his view. Sex is not bad! I think he has issues with sex. I don't know, I think I should just leave him, but I will try to confront him once more, I'll show him I know what he's hidding. "what? it's just some little honeys I have there" that statement made me feel sick. yell at him, at the top of your voice: "I'M your little honey! Why don't you feel the same way for me as you do for those unreal women? I'm here, real, wanting you, and all you can do is ignore me for some fantasy!! What the f*** are you playing at, @$$hole - ?!??" Then make a cup of tea, and watch re-runs of knot's landing. That should confuse him for a while.......
Author polola303 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Hahahaha! That's awesome Geishawhelk! Too bad I didn't read it in time! I talked to him about it, I told him I saw his vids and his pics and that I feel awful cause he prefers watchng them than being with me. H esays they're old and he doesn't prefer them, but as I told him if they're still there it means you still use them. He says he doesn't have a problem with sex and he doesn't have a problem period. It is completely normal for a 35 yr old man to want sex only once or twice a month. I asked him to go see a doctor, just to humor me. He says he's tired of always having the same conversation, he's bored. I told him I'm bored of always gettin nothing, at least I try to find a cause, if it's me I'll do my best to fix it but you need to talk to me about it. In the end he agreed to go see the therapist I was seeing before. I think the REAL issue here is his lack of motivation overall, at work, at home, his person, etc. He has no drive, no ambition. I think he's full of fear. Of course he won't admit it, but hey, if he'll give therapy a shot maybe just maybe things will work out for the 2 of us. I keep thinking I should just take care of myself, keep working out, dress sexier and just be happy, and maybe that will make him want me again, or at least I'll be one sexy chick! Ha!
Zolie Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 ...if he'll give therapy a shot maybe just maybe things will work out for the 2 of us. I keep thinking I should just take care of myself, keep working out, dress sexier and just be happy, and maybe that will make him want me again, or at least I'll be one sexy chick! Ha! I haven't posted here in ages, but I just HAD to log in so I could reply to you. Sweetie, get out of this relationship NOW! Please! Trust me, I KNOW what I speak of! Your statement above that I copied made me cringe in pain for you. I used to think the same thing about my sexless marriage. Oh, if only I were sexier, happier, better, nicer, prettier, etc, then he would want to have sex with me. And I used to think it would all be alright once he went to therapy - which he never did, btw. Honey, we were married for 25 years before I FINALLY got it, before I FINALLY realized it Was Never Going To Get Better, and I left him. In your original post you mentioned you felt lucky to get it once a week, then it became once every 2 weeks. That's EXACTLY how it started with us. Before long it was once a month, then once every two months. By the 10th anniversary, it was once every 6 months, and by the 15th anniversary, we were only having sex once a year on our anniversary. Pretty soon even that dried up. And it will be the same for you. Read my words: It Will Never Change. It Will Not Get Better. I will bet my next paycheck that if you stay with him, you will see that I am right. It Will Not Get Better. Read that OVER and OVER again. Sorry to come on so strong, but this subject kills me and it kills me to see other women going through it. Oh how I wish the Internet had been around when I was going through it in my marriage. But, the Internet didn't exist yet, and I thought I was the ONLY woman on the face of the earth whose husband didn't want her. I felt like a freak. I felt ugly, fat, undesirable, etc. It took another man to show me that my 125 pound 5'3" body was not ugly, fat, or undesirable. But, after 25 years of being rejected, it was hard for me to finally believe it. Please, please don't think that you just need to dress sexier, be sexier, happier, etc, in order to make him want you. This is HIS problem, and it has NOTHING to do with you. Believe me! Okay, I'll climb down off of my soapbox now - but please read what I wrote and believe it. Okay?
lilmrcheerful Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 This is not my thread (i've just literally posted something similar) but I just wanted to say it's good advice because I am in a very similar situation although I've never had sex with my partner so it's even worse that I've never experienced it at all with her. Maybe I do need to move on too but it's so hard when you love them
You'reasian Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I've been reading through the posts and I'm amazed to see how I'm not alone. My boyfriend won't have sex with me. We've been living together for the past 4 months and at first I'd get "lucky" once a week, but now it's 2 weeks or more. He just doesn't feel like it. He never kisses me other than a peck on the cheek or sometimes on the lips, if I try to kiss me he'll move his head so I end up kissing his forehead or something else, if I undress in front of him he looks away, if I leave the bathroom door open while I'm taking a shower he'll close it, etc. I've talked to him about ti, he just gets all defensive and says he doesn't need anymore than that, that he's not a sexual person. I've asked him to go see a therapist together, since it is normal for one person to have a higher/lower libido but he doesn't want to go, he keeps on saying he doesn't see a problem and he doesn't understand what I'm flipping out over. I'm sooooo depressed. I'm fit, slim, attractive, he's bald, has a big beer gut, hates to excercise, smokes all the time, so if there's was someone who shouldn't want to have sex it should be me. But I feel so attracted to him, I find him so sexy, and I want him. I've explained that sex to me is very very important in a relationship, he won't accept it. then just last week I found his porn, a lot of it. A LOT. So I guess that's why he always keeps his computer in the bathroom. I'm really sad . And now I freak when he looks at other girls, why won't he look at me that way? Des anyone have any advice? Please help me. Sorry to hear about this! I don't get to see my woman that much, but if and when I do I wanna be lip locked with her and doing her all the time...
Zolie Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I loved my husband, too, Dolce, but lack of sex, intimacy and constant rejection eroded my love for him. I don't know your story, but it will eventually erode your love for your partner, too. A relationship cannot last when one partner wants intimacy and the other partner declines to provide it. If both partners are content with the status quo, whatever that may be, then the relationship can last. But, not so went one feels rejected. I just hate to hear of people living with that kind of rejection for years, out of some misguided sense of love. It's just very, very sad. I know all too well. Good luck to you.
lilmrcheerful Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 If both partners are content with the status quo, whatever that may be, then the relationship can last. But, not so went one feels rejected. I just hate to hear of people living with that kind of rejection for years, out of some misguided sense of love. It's just very, very sad. I know all too well. Good luck to you. It just scares me to think that I have this choice of putting up with it or losing someone I want to be with, it's horrible and unfair. I even thought about just going to being friends but it would be too hard to cope with knowing she would be with someone else and worse still finding out that she'd actually perhaps had proper sex with them where it should have been me Thanks for responding to my post and to the thread creator for bringing up the issue to enable this dialogue. Take Care.
Zolie Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I even thought about just going to being friends but it would be too hard to cope with knowing she would be with someone else and worse still finding out that she'd actually perhaps had proper sex with them where it should have been me But see, what you are doing there is trying to control the situation by keeping her tied to you, thus assuring yourself she won't be with someone else. Which is what you think you want. But, you are only hurting yourself. I don't know her reason is for not having sex with you, but if the reason is because she's not ready and/or wants to save herself for marriage or a deeper commitment, then she's not likely to go off and have sex with another person. But if the reason she's not having it with you is because she's not into you that way, then there's nothing you can do anyway. But to keep her tied to you just to prevent her from having sex with someone else is only going to hurt you in the long run. And won't work in any event. I may be way off base here, since I don't know your story, but that's the best advice I have with what I know.
lilmrcheerful Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I may be way off base here, since I don't know your story, but that's the best advice I have with what I know. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t175214/ My thread is here, please feel free to comment more if you wish to. I can't thank you enough for your advice.
Geishawhelk Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 He says he doesn't have a problem with sex and he doesn't have a problem period. It is completely normal for a 35 yr old man to want sex only once or twice a month. I asked him to go see a doctor, just to humor me. He says he's tired of always having the same conversation, he's bored. ..... I think the REAL issue here is his lack of motivation overall, at work, at home, his person, etc. He has no drive, no ambition. I think he's full of fear. ... Oooh, I see something emerging here.... I think he may be suffering from depresssion. These are all symptoms... lethargy, loss of interest in self and partner, work.... this could be a lot more complex than you think. I think he needs help.
You'reasian Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Lack of drive, lack of ambition, fear....maybe he's got a seasonal effective disorder? Does this cycle? I'm a little younger than the man in question, but I don't think its normal for a man to only want sex 2 times in a month.
Author polola303 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Oooh, I see something emerging here.... I think he may be suffering from depresssion. These are all symptoms... lethargy, loss of interest in self and partner, work.... this could be a lot more complex than you think. I think he needs help. I know! I've talked to him about that too... he gets deffensive telling me I'm always saying there's something wrong with him. But I tell him I just want him to be happy and that I see he's not doing ok. Also it's unfair of him to say that since I was going to therapy trying to help us both out, but it won't work if he doesn't go, the one with the major issues here is him. He agreed to go to therapy, so that's a step forward, and I know he'll go if a push him a bit. Wetalked about his porn and how it made me feel so sad and insecure since he doesn't touch me or look at me, he sayid he's had those videos for a long time and that he likes them but he can erase them if I want. I don't really see the point, the problem here is not the porn itself, we need to work on other issues I think. On other news we had sex yesterday, boy that was hard work! It's funny I know he's getting aroused but he just won't make a move, so I had to tell him how much I ove him, and how hot I think he is and a bunch of compliments, then I decided to do a little strip tease and it worked like magic! I didn't even get to finish my little number. We had sex this morning again, but it was the kind of sex I don't like, where he doesn't even bother to touch me or anything, you know? He's just having sex for himself... I didn't complain, cause that will just make him withhold sex even more, but it's really strange how he acts sometimes.
2nd-Best Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 omg if you ever read any of my previous posts you'd just die, I've been dating someone for close to a year and we have probably had sex about 30 times!! I'm not unattractive at all, I'm a model actually.. but that still doesnt matter.. Hes just not that into it. HOWEVER... he did have a porn addiction which he hasnt watched in 3 months, we did start having sex more for a bit.. but then it just went back to normal again.. doing it like twice a month, by the way we are both 25 years old and should be doing it like rabbits, when we do do it I find myself resenting him and actually feeling smothered and not turned on, mainly because he made me feel so low on myself for so long that when we actually have sex its not enjoyable anymore.. he says stuff to me like "How can I ever get turned on if you always cover yourself" and i reply to him " how can i ever feel comfortable to show my body off to you when you ignore it and make me feel ugly" haha its a catch 22 isnt it? My guy is overweight aswell, just lost his job.. hes lazy and has addiction issues.. which i've always contributed to the fact that he has no sex drive unless ofcourse its watching porn, which he also made seem like he didnt watch it all that often when we first started dating, until i searched further into it and found MASSIVE amounts of porn on his computer and some pretty sick stuff too... his laptop is gone now because of it... just recently I've started to feel the same again, and I havent logged on here since last September, so its been going well for awhile.. but just expect that everything is NOT going to just change over night and you will probably have to go through this over and over again before you see any real change, if you do at all!!
Author polola303 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 well, today i went throguh his laptop from work... gues what i found? more porn! he's even a memeber on this one site, and we don't have enoguh money to pay the rent, so yeah it is a problem. I will be going out of town next week on bussiness. when i come back i won't go back home to him, i'll be going to my mom's for a while till i figure my things out. there's no use, he hides everything from me, i don't know the person i sleep with. this is waaay put of my control and it has been way too damaging on my self steem. I have never been the prying type, always trusting always respectful and now all these doubts are driving me to do things i feel ashamed of. wish me luck!
2nd-Best Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Yup, and when you used to have no problem with porn it will now become this big thing because he prefers it to you, so you will start to hate it and think its degrading.. well, I always thought that but even more once I started going through the same thing you are. Hes not going to stop, and chances are hes not going to starting F-ing your brains out daily,weekly or monthly.. if its that bad at the beginning it doesnt get better.. this I know. so you have to decide whether or not you want to invest your time into something that is going to ultimately make you feel bad for the rest of your life, or make a change now and be happy with yourself. Don't get kids involved and end up trapped in a passionless relationship, however kids are probably not very possible considering the lack of sex! so.. i guess thats not much of a problem.
Author polola303 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 weel, I didn't leave him, I'm so stupid. he went to pick me up at the airport, i think he knid of knew what was going to happen. we had this amazing week end with lots of sex and passion and happiness... almost entirely until last night when again he edidn't feel like kissing. not even kissing. he ttok his laptop form work home but he was cautious enough to hide it from me hahaha i did go tthrough his computer at home and he did see some porn but not that much, that's beacuse it was the wrong computer! haha in theory i shouldn't mind since i wasn't there and i did get some really good loving before i left and when i came back. i'll stick around a little bit longer and see if he goes to therapy...
Author polola303 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 ok, so i did a little strip tease again, again he didn't let me finnish all ready to go and during the middle of intercourse he lost his erection. this is not the first time it happens. could it have some relation with the porn? anybody?
JackJack Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 ok, so i did a little strip tease again, again he didn't let me finnish all ready to go and during the middle of intercourse he lost his erection. this is not the first time it happens. could it have some relation with the porn? anybody? It very well could be related to porn. People who truly become addicted to porn over time will become decensitized to being with a real human person, in other words, a real person in the flesh doesn't do alot for them anymore. They are more so dependent on images. I think there might be a combination of things going on here not just the porn. I do think that Porn is not the real issue, but a issue of a deeper problem going on. What once may have started out as just something fun occassional has now turned into something more. I guess the real question is, are you willing to stand by him during this time and get the the root of the problem? Or, if you feel its something you just can not tolerate, then it might be best to cut ties, its up to you.
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