Spinning Head Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I am trying so hard to make things peaceful between myself and Husband after five months of separation. My biggest concern has been ensuring the children adjust to the change in their lives and, for the most part, I believe they have adapted well. I have not bugged Husband about paying child support. I have paid some of his monthly expenses as he used my checking account number to set up payment on these expenses. I have asked him to stop using that account (from which I pay my own expenses) and to put my name on bills related to the house. Yes, I know I need to close my checking account. My point is that I feel I have bent over backwards to ease the transition for Husband as well. He does help some with the kids - but it comes at a price to me in that when I arrive to the house, the house is in a mess, homework is not done, etc. I bought several nice gifts for Husband at Christmas and put our children's names on the gifts. I invited Husband to my house on 12/24 as I had alot of kids over to the house. Husband attended. Husband invited himself over to my house on Christmas morning. I was not thrilled about his presence as he was a total ******* and made derogatory comments to me in front of my family; however, the kids enjoyed having him over. I discovered yesterday that when Husband had the kids on New Year's Day, he fell asleep on the couch during the day. The kids went into the bathroom and poured powder all over themselves and the room. They took markers and drew all over themselves. Later, Husband allowed my seven year old daughter to play in the front yard alone - yard is only 20 feet from a busy street. Husband stayed in the house at his computer. I was upset about Husband's actions. I dropped the kids off at his house this morning and I brought up the two incidents. I was calm. I merely stated I was concerned about the kids and their welfare. Husband went ballistic. He yelled at me, told me not to bitch at him in his house, told me to get the hell out of his house, walked me into a corner with his face an inch from my face, yelling at me to get out, then pushed me. All of this happened in front of the kids. I left. Husband has never acted this way towards me before. I don't know what the hell is going on. I think the best thing for me to do at this point is to stop trying to keep things peaceful. My efforts are useless and unproductive. I think I should no longer include him in things concerning the kids and move on. I am not financially, emotionally or mentally dependent on him. I have merely been trying to do what I thought was best for the kids. I will stop asking him when he wants to see the kids. I will step back and see what, if anything, he does. Any thoughts/comments/insight?
Gunny376 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I think the best thing for me to do at this point is to stop trying to keep things peaceful. My efforts are useless and unproductive. I think I should no longer include him in things concerning the kids and move on. I am not financially, emotionally or mentally dependent on him. I have merely been trying to do what I thought was best for the kids. I will stop asking him when he wants to see the kids. I will step back and see what, if anything, he does. Any thoughts/comments/insight? EXACTOMOTO! Your no longer his CEO (Chief Entertainment Officer),
signedin2008 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Husband has never acted this way towards me before. I don't know what the hell is going on. You're funny. After spreading your legs for another man (a married man) for months (or is it years), what do you expect from your husband? Respect? Com'on now! Do you really expect a man to respect a whxxx? If you ask me, your treatment is well deserved.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 You're funny. After spreading your legs for another man (a married man) for months (or is it years), what do you expect from your husband? Respect? Com'on now! Do you really expect a man to respect a whxxx? If you ask me, your treatment is well deserved. Wow bitter much? What a load of crap! Her actions have nothing to do with concern over the safety of her children. Spinning Head I agree, take the kid gloves off and stop being so kind. He put your children at risk (sorry I don't know how old they are) - I suggest you discuss it with your attorney with a view toward limiting his visitation. If he cannot supervise the kids, he doesn't need to have them alone. And yes you need to divest your accounts, etc from the his. You were not happy in the marriage, you are now separated - so separate everything so that you can both move on with your lives. Good luck
Author Spinning Head Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Nice judgment call made by signedin2008. For what its worth, Husband lied to me within six months of being married, continued to lie throughout our marriage, I helped him through a major career change, I stood by his side through two serious lawsuits that resulted from Husband's bad decisions and through which we could have lost everything we had attained ($3 million judgment rendered by a jury in one case) and a myriad of other issues caused by Husband. I believe I gave everything I had to give to the marriage and to Husband. At the end, I felt like a work horse whose only purpose in the marriage was to fix problems caused by Husband, take care of the kids and work my ass off to pay for everything. I admit having an affair was a bad decision. It was a coping mechanism that was pursued after marital counseling and other attempts to cope with a bad marriage failed. I chose to end my marriage approximately six month after the affair began. My vent and request for comments centered around my children. I am a good mom. I am merely wrestling with an issue with which I have no experience and thought there might be someone out there with sage advice on how to handle such a situation.
signedin2008 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I chose to end my marriage approximately six month after the affair began. MUCH better.
dannydrifter Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Wow bitter much? What a load of crap! Her actions have nothing to do with concern over the safety of her children. If she was really concerned about her children, she should apologize to her husband for the affair and try to redeem herself, so they can get back together and provide a proper family for the kids.
confused71 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I believe I gave everything I had to give to the marriage and to Husband. At the end, I felt like a work horse whose only purpose in the marriage was to fix problems caused by Husband, take care of the kids and work my ass off to pay for everything. I admit having an affair was a bad decision. It was a coping mechanism that was pursued after marital counseling and other attempts to cope with a bad marriage failed. I chose to end my marriage approximately six month after the affair began. Sorry to be judgemental,but you should read through many of the threads on this site and see the pain and hurt these affairs really cause to familys.Yes your husband may have been a jerk.But you should have broken it off without the affair. And anyway a lot of the time the person having the affair rewrites the marriage history to justify their actions. My vent and request for comments centered around my children. I am a good mom. I am merely wrestling with an issue with which I have no experience and thought there might be someone out there with sage advice on how to handle such a situation. Yes my STBX wife claims to be a good mum,conveniantly forgetting all the times she just dumps her daughter off round a friends house to go with OM. The child is also now being looked after by a nanny most of the time instead of me,her stepfather who treated her as my own for 5 years .In fact I used to look after the child more than her mother. Plus also the STBX forgets the confusion and pain she has caused her child.Even blaming me and threatening to stop me seeing her. Sorry if I sound bitter .Its because I am.
signedin2008 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 If she was really concerned about her children, she should apologize to her husband for the affair and try to redeem herself, so they can get back together and provide a proper family for the kids. She cares about no one but herself. She's having an affair with a married man who has a family. Does she cares about this married man's family, his wife's pain, and everyone of his and her family involved, NO! It's all me me me me me with no concern for others.
dannydrifter Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 She cares about no one but herself. She's having an affair with a married man who has a family. Does she cares about this married man's family, his wife's pain, and everyone of his and her family involved, NO! It's all me me me me me with no concern for others. You are god damn 100% correct.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I discovered yesterday that when Husband had the kids on New Year's Day, he fell asleep on the couch during the day. The kids went into the bathroom and poured powder all over themselves and the room. They took markers and drew all over themselves. Later, Husband allowed my seven year old daughter to play in the front yard alone - yard is only 20 feet from a busy street. Husband stayed in the house at his computer. All the other agendas aside, I think you're trying to exercise more control over his parenting than circumstances allow. Welcome to the world of divorce where these types of disagreements happen all the time. You'll have to learn to live with his more laid-back approach to the kids under most condititons - including what you've described - and learn to pick your spots... Mr. Lucky
Author Spinning Head Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 It's difficult to find non-judgmental people in this world. In fact, I don't think such a person even exists. Am I perfect? No. Have I ever claimed to be? No. But, there seem to be many perfect people who troll this earth (and this site in particular) who sit in judgment of others when their own lives are collapsing around them due to their own errors and mistakes or basic inability or unwillingness to admit that they caused problems in their own relationships. It takes TWO to make a marriage work. And, I have never known a marriage that did not have problems caused by both spouses. And, if you think that you are the one without fault or blame in the demise of your relationship or marriage, then think again. Ever thought about why your SO or W had an affair? Set aside name calling and weak moral character claims and the general personal attacks that surface. As difficult as it is to turn a mirror on oneself, each of you need to do so. I think you will find that you failed to do things or acted in such a way that was not in your marriage or relationship's best interest.
pelicanpreacher Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 What you're witnessing SH is the anger stage of his emotional roller coaster as he processes the details and impact of your affair. Right now, he is mired in betrayal fog's thinking and can only see your criticism as an attempt to deflect the responisbility for the pain you've caused him when you deliberately did the worst thing he could have ever imagined by commiting adultery. When you calmly espoused concerns about his lack of parenting skills all he could think of was where was your parenting concerns and obligations to the kids when you lied to him and snuck off to be with your OM? Right now, you don't have a leg to stand on in his opinion for even if he was a major screw-up and caused whatever myriad of problems you felt entitled you to seek solace in another man's bed he can still say with stout assertion that he never betrayed you like you betrayed him and never would. You would be well advised to grit your teeth while holding your tongue and simply take whatever steps you deem necessary to ensure your children's safety when they are in your stead if you feel that he is too unfit, unstable, or depressed to fully handle his responsiblities regarding child rearing. If that means forbidding his presence in your home while staying out of his and establishing a strict drop-off point and schedule when you exchange the kids then those are the cards you've dealt yourself. Remember, he has a lot more on his mind than he use to in dealing with a situation of your making that he has neither answers to, say so in, nor control of so during this time of introspection you may have to do a majority of the thinking required of both of you to get through this in one piece for the time being. I know ... I know ... "Its another fine mess you got me into Stanley"!
carhill Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 OP, if your children's safety is in jeopardy, bring in the government to help you. Otherwise, accept this rancor for a year and re-visit. You both are experiencing a lot of pain and frustration right now. I remember your thread about the MM wanting you to accompany him to his attorney. Things are really hard right now. Focus, as calmly as you can, on the welfare of your children. If not already there, I'd suggest IC to help you with tools to manage the emotional dynamic between your H and yourself. I think it will help. Feel free to vent but understand you will get negative feedback because of the circumstances here. Perhaps venting to a trusted friend IRL would be preferable.
SoleMate Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 LS is supposed to provide caring advice. Those who have only abuse to hurl should keep it to themselves. And let's not confuse the following two types of post: 1) Informing/advising people of what's wrong with their behavior or thinking (APPROPRIATE AND HELPFUL) and 2) Insulting, slamming, and verbally abusing a poster (USELESS, WILL BE IGNORED). I occasionally write letters to dictators, torturers etc. asking them to release political prisoners, as part of my membership in Amnesty International. We are all advised to keep the letters polite in tone. Hate-filled rants will simply be discarded. The civilized communications are harder for the genocidal tyrants to ignore. Imagine that.
SoleMate Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 OK, now specific advice for OP.... STAY FOCUSSED ON THE KIDS AND THEIR NEEDS. LET THE HUSBAND DO WHAT HE DOES AND BE WHAT HE IS UNLESS HE POSES A CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER TO THE KIDS. Powder and markers....unlikely to be fatal. Busy street....may be a danger. I'd assess it objectively. If he does permit unsafe play or provide truly inadequate supervision, then I would take steps. First, a polite clear letter to him asking him for specific, concrete changes in the safety problem. Next, the lawyer.
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