C724 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hi Guys, my ex of 4 years went back to his ex who deep down I knew he still loved... it's been nearly two months now, and I am still waiting for him to get in touch and tell me he's sorry for leaving me or tel me that he's missing me!, he didn'ttell me they were back together, he moved out and then she managed to find my number and text me to tell me, that was 2 months ago and I haven't heard anything from him since. I keep checking his facebook and hotmail account as I have his passwords and that is just making me worse. I have no self control and feel like the Xmas and NY period has just taken me right back as in all honesty I stupidly thought I would hear something from him Just need some encoraging words as I am hurting like crazy and just can't seem to move from this place of what feels like self totrure I just can't find the strength and want to stsrt piecing my life bak, I have a great job but the void he has left just seems to consume my thoughts constantly. Thanks x
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 There's very little anyone can say that you haven't already answered or thought of for yourself. He's gone. He's not coming back, and even if he did - it would never ever be the same, would it? You know you're the one who has to move on and heal, and you seem to realise that only you can do this. The best thing you can do, is to delete the Myspace/facebook access passwords, and get a friend to create new passwords or block it somehow. Stop checking up on him, because every time you do, you die a little more. Go out and do some walking. Walking releases endorphins which actually enhance moods and lift them. Put a pair of earphones in at night and listen to some good vibe cd's to enhance your positive energy while you sleep. Take it from me, this works. This too shall pass.
saturnfell Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hi, The first step for you: delete the your facebook account and stop checking email. These two things will only work as a disservice for you. There is no benefit from this. Secondly: who is this woman who would contact you and tell you she was seeing him again?! Did I read that right? If so, these are not people you want to be involved with. I cannot think of any reason good enough that she should do that. Sometimes I don't think people have any morals or concern for anyone else. I'm sorry that happened. Finally: take control of the situation. The situation will continue to spiral out of control until you do something about it. Living day to day waiting for a word from him is only drowning you. Currently, you're allowing yourself to be so dependent on this person, that they are still controlling your life. Step back a bit, take some of your own control back. Waiting has not benefited you to this point. Do something each day to re gain yourself. You've spend enough time focusing on what you;d like to happen. Try and focus some time on what you can make happen. Does that make sense?
Author C724 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Hiya, Yes it does make sense the only problem is that it's not my account it's his, I can't change the passwords else he'll know I've been looking!!! I just need to get some of that control back to stop me checking which I am finding so so difficult. This woman is his ex, she has a child with him and she has had a problem with me for a long time as she has always wanted to be with him therefore she was more than happy to take the opportunity to let me know how happy they were as in her eyes she has finally won him. I know you're going to say that he's not worth winning or he wouldn't have done what he did to me and I do know that in my head, but my heart is not being logical! I just can't understand how someone can do that to you after so long and then just go off and be happy and act as if you haven't even existed, I supported him for our entire relatioship both emotianly and financially whilst putting my own needs on the backburner. I feel cheated and so down as if I am worth nothing!
saturnfell Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hiya, Yes it does make sense the only problem is that it's not my account it's his, I can't change the passwords else he'll know I've been looking!!! I just need to get some of that control back to stop me checking which I am finding so so difficult. This woman is his ex, she has a child with him and she has had a problem with me for a long time as she has always wanted to be with him therefore she was more than happy to take the opportunity to let me know how happy they were as in her eyes she has finally won him. I know you're going to say that he's not worth winning or he wouldn't have done what he did to me and I do know that in my head, but my heart is not being logical! I just can't understand how someone can do that to you after so long and then just go off and be happy and act as if you haven't even existed, I supported him for our entire relatioship both emotianly and financially whilst putting my own needs on the backburner. I feel cheated and so down as if I am worth nothing! Hi, Ok, I want to edit my previous post based on your elaboration of the situation. This woman he's with, terrible and basically doesn't know her own worth if she's retaliating against you and kicking you while you're already broken. Listen to your heart and logic... well, logic sometimes finds it's way into our hearts. Logic could be the motivator which allows your heart to beat and feel the way it does. As for the email account: nothing good can come from checking the account. I know it will be difficult, but every time you go to check the email, don't. Divert your attention in another way. You know all you need to know from the information received from his ex. I understand your feeling cheated. When you give so much of yourself to someone and they turn away from you, would you expect to feel any other way? The chain of events you experienced / are experiencing is unfortunate and I'm sorry. How do you know he's happy? From the sound of it, this woman, she doesn't seem like a ball of joy. I can tell you honestly that I wouldn't want to be around someone like that. Of all things, you're not worthless. You did a lot for someone, you gave it your all. Does that sound like something someone would do who was worthless? No. You sounds as though your caring and have a heart. Maybe you give a little too much (I'm just saying) and put yourself last too much, but you're not worthless. Someone who was worthless wouldn't care about their feelings and certainly wouldn't care enough for someone to help them the way you helped him. What else are you feeling?
MWH Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I feel cheated and so down as if I am worth nothing! Half-right: You WERE cheated. Half-wrong: You are NOT worthless. Facts create feelings but feelings do NOT create facts. Got it? :-)
Author C724 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Thank so much for your kind words, you've made me cry! (which is not a bad thing as it doesn't take much nowadays) Feelings change from day to day, at my best I have a spring in my step and feel relieved as I don't have to put up with her abuse anymore (she used to send me horrible messages before I changed my telephone number and whilst we were together) I also don't have to support him anymore as he was down a lot of the time as he wanted to spend more time with his child I also felt that deep down he really wanted to be with her but they had a very volitile realtiosnhip and so he felt that he couldn't, that for me was a heavy burden to bear and to have that lifted is a relif as I don't have to feel like I am being lied to all the time. On a bad day I want to end it all just so that the pain goes away, I would never do anything like that and I think that when I have these thoughts it's the only way I can have some control back in that I can make it stop if I really want to. I generally just feel unwanted and inadequate and my self esteem is incredibaly low, in Geisha's initial response to me when she said "he's gone and he's not coming back" I felt sick and then just concentrated on when she said "and even if he did" as that meant that he might. I don't want to wait for him anymore but it's almost like I am just waiting for them to part again so he comes back, but at the same time I don't want him beacuse I deserve better. I am just so confused and hurt like a lot of people on here, as with everyone you always feel your own pain is the greatest.x
saturnfell Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hi, Well, you reversed one of your own statements. He's not happy and you know he's not happy. If he's choosing to be in a relationship where he is unhappy, you should find ease in this. You deserve to be happy. You shouldn't wait around for him, and in the end, I don't think you will. I understand the part about controlling your life. I know it's hard to see, but you're controlling each and everything you do each day. Knowing you don't want to wait is half the battle. It's getting to that point which is the most difficult. On a side note: please don't cry! I'm sorry! Keep writing, get it out. If it helps to talk about specifics in more detail... take that route.
Author C724 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Thank you again, please don't apologise, your words struck a cord and it really helps to know that people like you understand what your going through and take the time out to help. I won't wait for him but I do know he's happy at the moment from a couple of mails that I have seen, unfortunately I can't take solice in that comfort as he is ultimately where he has always wanted to be as far as I can see. What makes me angry is the unjustice of him being happy at my expense it just doesn't feel right and I really don't like having those feelings as I just want to forget and not dwell on it for the forseeable future but I can't help how I feel. I am sure I will get there in time and this forum is a great help x
saturnfell Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 That is why checking email is a bad idea. You won't benefit from it. Try not to look at it as this is happening at your expense. Although you're in pain right now, you'll feel happiness in the future. Happiness greater than you felt with this other man. There is someone out there in this world waiting to find you. He may not be in the same town as your right now, and maybe not even the same state, but the two of you will cross all necessary lines one day in order for the two of you to meet.
PinkToes Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I'm so sorry you're going through this. The good news is that you are going through it, you will not be in this space forever. But I know it's hard. I understand your confusion too; if you're like I have been, you are torn between wanting him back, and knowing it's for the best. And if you were to offer up a prayer about the situation, you wouldn't even know what to ask for! Saturn is right, you really don't know that he's happy. And it may be hard to totally keep yourself from wondering about that, but the one concrete thing you can do is stop checking up in him. Take that step first; just stop. Or tell yourself that you won't check it today -- maybe tomorrow, but not today. Then tomorrow, put it off until the next day. It will get easier to resist, the longer you are able to do this. But for now, just try one day at a time. Now I'm going to say something that I doubt anyone else would agree with. If the thought of never seeing him again or never being with him again hurts so deeply, you don't need to tell yourself that right now. You don't even need to believe that right now. It is early in the process, and your pain is still raw. The truth is that no one knows what will happen in the future. Trusting that you will be OK and you will be happy again no matter what happens is the important thing. Maybe you'll be with him again, and maybe not. As best you can, try to let go of the outcome. You don't need to know, and you don't need to decide. You just need to get through today. Just one day. Tomorrow will take care of itself. You are strong. You are loving and caring. You will get through this!
Author C724 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 You are both completely right and I will tackle the checking one day at a time perhaps that will be more reaslistic. I will try and adopt the same principal to realising that I will never see or hear from him again, I was doing that and my goals were initailly a week, a month then Christmas and New Year I didn't get any further than that as I was sure I would hear from him. Anyway I guess that fact that I haven't means the hard bit is kinda 'over'. I need to draw a line and continue getting on with each day and week by not absorbing myself in thinking ahout him it really helps to know I'm not the only one going through it. Thank you both so much, I will let you know how I get on, this may sound silly but I don't think you realise how much you have helped me today. X
alwayssme Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 fight the urge to check those pages... i know its tough but u gotta tell yourself that hes a straight up a*shole for doing this to you...(after 4 years he leaves u for his ex?) do whatever u think will make this better for YOU and dont give him any satisfaction of knowing you're hurt even if you really are hurting inside...im sorry to hear you're going through this.. we're all here for you!
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I can only advise you to send him a short sharp message: head it "passwords". In the text body, just put: "I know them. Change them". Don't write anything else. Don't even sign it. Then, stay off for a few days. Then try to go back in. If he's got half the sense of a drunken amoeba, he'll have done as you suggest. if he writes back to you, hit delete. Don't even read it. Start with that.
citizen67 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I can only advise you to send him a short sharp message: head it "passwords". In the text body, just put: "I know them. Change them". That is excellent advice - I figured out my ex's email password (it was very obvious) and I checked incessantly, which was SO wrong and made me feel awful. Finally, I emailed him "you should change your password" - next time I tried to log in, I couldn't and it was actually a huge relief. To say just be strong and don't use this info you have sounds great but I know how you get taken over by the impulse
Author C724 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 agreed, finding the courage to do it..
Author C724 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 I haven't done it I just can't do it! I am feeling better though. I think Xmas and New Year were two milestones I dreaded and now that they're over i feel that I can try and concentrate on getting on with the year ahead... It will be a bumpy ride but I am determined to get there, I have booked a hypnotherapy session to try and deal with my self esteem and confidence which in turn should lift my spirits. I am back at work also and that is keeping my mind occupied! Again thats so much for you advice and concern x
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