LiverpoolLou Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hello, I am new to this but need som help/advice. I am a MW with 3 children and have been the OW involved with a MM for the past 12 months. I have made a commitment to my family, but suddenly found myself in this situation, i didn't look for it, it found me. I feel utterly respected, loved, sexy and feminine when I am with my MM. I have told him how i feel, I know things arn't good at home for him either but he won't tell me how he feels - he says he doesn't know what he feels...part of me doesn't believe him, how can he be with me for so long and not know how he feels?? I don't want him to leave his wife or family for me, he has to do that for himself and in his own good time (if thatt's what he wants to do) nor am i in a position to leave my relationship. What i want is just an acknowledgement of our relationship, even in this unconventional form. I wonder whether i should end it and just be friends but it is so hard to let go of the feelings i have. Help please.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 He says he doesn't know how he feels because it is kinder than telling you the truth.
frannie Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I feel utterly respected, loved, sexy and feminine when I am with my MM. I have told him how i feel, I know things arn't good at home for him either but he won't tell me how he feels - he says he doesn't know what he feels...part of me doesn't believe him, how can he be with me for so long and not know how he feels?? What kind of feelings do you want him to tell you about (or even to have?). He maybe doesn't want to get into thinking about the whole feelings thing, because if he does he'd have to acknowledge what he's doing and what having feelings for someone other than his W entails..? I wonder how you can feel so positive (respected, loved, sexy and feminine) when you're with someone who can't/won't tell you how he feels? Doesn't make a lot of sense. On the other hand, perhaps he isn't into revelations about how he's feeling, not everyone is? I'd be more likely to trust my gut on this one though, and if part of you doesn't believe him I'd be listening to that part.
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I don't want him to leave his wife or family for me, he has to do that for himself and in his own good time (if thatt's what he wants to do) nor am i in a position to leave my relationship. Hmph! What i want is just an acknowledgement of our relationship, even in this unconventional form. You're both lying cheaters. The fact that he's also lying to you is par for the course. He's lying to one woman, two is just as easy. I wonder whether i should end it and just be friends but it is so hard to let go of the feelings i have. Help please. End it, and don't even be friends. He's not interested in friendship. he's interested in having sex without obligations. Be honest with your husband, and leave the marriage so that he can be happy too. nor am i in a position to leave my relationship. Why? You're hardly in it anyway! I perfectly understand people in a marriage meeting someone else and having feelings for them. I cannot for the life of me fathom out why people actually believe it's far better to be deceitful hurtful and selfish as to want to pursue their own happiness at the cost of the happiness of the person they vowed to be married to, faithfully. Do one, or the other. You can't have your cake and eat it.
lkjh Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 He doesn't acknowledge your relationship because you are just his piece of a** on the side. Sorry but it is true. You need to act like a mother of 3 and not some school girl with a crush. Just leave your H and let him find someone worth loving.
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I have made a commitment to my family, but suddenly found myself in this situation, i didn't look for it, it found me. It may have found you, but you actively chose to pursue a MM, for 12 months. The committment you made to your husband, your kids, the family has vanished.. Why should this MM leave his family for you when you're not ready to leave yours? Start by being honest here and call it what it is. JUST an affair. NEITHER of you have any intention of ending your marriages, you both just want something on the side, to fulfill needs that aren't being met at home by your spouses.
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Why not come clean and tell your husband about your affair? Let him decide if he wants to stay married to you. Maybe he'll want to divorce right away, maybe he'll want to give you a chance to make things right, or maybe he'll want an open marriage so he can also have someone on the side. What you're doing now is going to hurt him, destroy everything you've shared together..All the love, faith and trust your husband feels for you will disappear when he finds out the truth. Chances are, he probably knows something isn't "right" between you, and has noticed a change in you that has nothing to do with him. What i want is just an acknowledgement of our relationship, even in this unconventional form Why? IF you have no intention of leaving your marriage, what difference does it make, other than an ego feed to know another (married) man wants you? You can't be 'friends' with him either, if you choose to end the affair. All it will be is an emotional affair, without the sex.
wildsoul Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hello and welcome. I'm sorry you've been bashed/abused by one of the members here. Look into the "ignore user" function. You can also click the "alert" button to report offensive replies. That said, you'll also find a bit of tough-love from some of the formerly betrayed spouses AND from some of us other women/men. I agree with Lucrezia Borgia in her assessment that if he says he doesn't know, it's a way of side-stepping a heavy conversation. There's an unspoken rule in many affairs that the relationship is just supposed to be fun/sex on the side. That seems doubly true when both partners are already married. Some MM/W will specifically CHOOSE another married person as an affair partner so that the limits are more set in stone. Easier than dealing with a single person who will probably want them to leave their marriage at some point. It sounds like having the romantic story of love that "cannot be," is part of the thrill for you. I'm not judging that, but want to point out that is a typical female fantasy. "Just sex," for a lot of women is demeaning, so we have to work the romeo & juliet stuff in there. But if your guy is just wanting the fun/sex on the side, without the romantic drama, your affair will probably end as it gets more complicated. Your feelings will only get stronger if you stay with him. It doesn't sound like you can compartmentalize love/sex as well as you thought you might when you first got involved. Not too many women can do that. This board is a good place to work through all your throughts and feelings, so please keep posting.
bentnotbroken Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 You feel desired, loved and sexy when you are with a lying cheat. Oh wait a minute it does take two to tango doesn't it. Why not give your H the same opportunity as you have had for 12 months?
norajane Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 What i want is just an acknowledgement of our relationship, even in this unconventional form. I wonder whether i should end it and just be friends but it is so hard to let go of the feelings i have. Help please. What kind of acknowledgment are you looking for? The problem is you two are having two different affairs. To him, you are an escape and an escapade. To you, he is a sexual AND romantic relationship. He can't acknowledge what you want him to acknowledge because it's only you that is having a romance with feelings - he's just having an affair. The longer you hold on to him, the harder it will be for you to let go because your feelings will grow. Don't be surprised if he becomes more distant and harder to get a hold of now that you've expressed feelings for him. He may decide to back off because you're becoming too emotionally attached and too complicated. He already has a wife for that. He wants a simple affair, and you're making it messier for him. By the way, HOW in the world do you manage to find time for an affair with three children?! Who is caring for them while you're with this MM?
Author LiverpoolLou Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Thank you for you kind response. I was just wondering how many people who had replied had been in the same situation - i hadn't considered they may have been an 'injured' party and i am sorry if i inadvertently offended anyone with my plea. I have known the other person in my life for a long time (purely platonic - hello etc.) and to be honest wasn't looking to start an affair and neither was he - sparks just flew as they say. We have both tried to end it lots of times, but we provide each other with something that is missing in both our lives. A romantic notion i hear you, i also hear other people when they say i could have made a choice...yes i could, but the feelings of being desired, being touched gently, caressed and special are very powerful. I also thought i could be stronger and suppress my feelings for this MM, i could just do the fun/sex thing and it would end after a short time...HOW WRONG WAS I!!!!
Author LiverpoolLou Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Again, i acknowledge your response and do not wish to offend anyone here. He has known how i have felt for a long time. As for his W she is quite a cold, unemotional person (trust me on that one, I know - as i said, i have known him for a long time) and i think that is why he has eventually 'strayed' he found warmth, care, compassion and intimacy. Neither of us has every had an affair before and to be honest if it were all to end today, I for one wouldn't do it again! I'm probably digging myself a big hole here, but as for my children, well they are loved and well cared for - you will have to trust me on that one too.
lkjh Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 OK you described his wife as cold but how about your H and your children? Do they deserve this? Just divorce your H because he deserves better. Don't be so selfish.
Geishawhelk Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 .... i hadn't considered they may have been an 'injured' party and i am sorry if i inadvertently offended anyone with my plea. A quick look around the board before posting would have told you that before we made it plain to you. That's what comes of acting without - or before - thinking. ....to be honest wasn't looking to start an affair and neither was he - sparks just flew as they say. Rubbish. It started because you both wanted it, and decided to let it happen. Own your actions. Things don't "just happen". We have both tried to end it lots of times, but we provide each other with something that is missing in both our lives. In that case, that's another lie. You've both considered ending it, but chose not to, as you were enjoying it too much. A romantic notion i hear you, i also hear other people when they say i could have made a choice...yes i could, but the feelings of being desired, being touched gently, caressed and special are very powerful. Oh yesseree, they are like a drug to a desperate addict. You love the idea of being in love and being loved. This is not the way to actually BE loved though. It's a poor substitute, because it stinks. I also thought i could be stronger and suppress my feelings for this MM, i could just do the fun/sex thing and it would end after a short time...HOW WRONG WAS I!!!! Actually, you were bang on and 100% accurate. But you have to actually do it, not think about it. There's a difference between trying, with a half-hearted 'sort-of' effort, and actually DOING it.
blinded Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 OP- You're not alone. Many are in the same situation but don't speak out b/c of backlash from others. Simply reading previous posts are perfect example of that. Although they are harsh remarks, they are true in some sense. Don't let negative responses stop you from posting. If this is your outlet, then type away... I think you are crossing boundaries that he is not comfortable with. You are developing feelings for him that he doesn't want/can't reciprocate. This is a road to nowhere. Which deep inside you know is true. If you want to remain in contact w/him, then I suggest you play by his rules and accept what little scraps of attention he gives you. He will let you know if he truly wants you. You wouldn't have to ask. If you're not happy with this and want more, then you should be ready to walk away b/c I have a feeling he sees your affair as disposable. Good luck. Hugs to you.
pelicanpreacher Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Your words are very telling. You are fulfilled in your relationship with OM and are musing about establishing an exit strategy for your marriage should the affair proceed into something you feel grants stable footing for the future but are simply hampered with timing to act. You state that your children are loved and well cared for yet you've yet to elaborate regarding your feelings for your husband who is currently dutifully investing his time, energy, and agency in a marriage that doesn't exist any longer. Unbeknownst to him, the sword of Damocles hangs above his head ready to cleave his life in two at your whim yet you haven't mentioned any guilt for putting him in this predicament. Curiouser and curiouser! You may believe your duplicity has gone unnoticed but your husband is sure to have recognized the growing distance developing in his marriage even if your acting is deserving of an Academy Award. Have you given any thought to what you'll do if your husband, without warning, serves you with divorce papers before your timing is right?
Owl Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 This is simple... Your feelings about your H and your marriage are one thing. Your feelings for your MM are another. Since you DON'T appear to have any feelings left for your H...take action on that front first. File for divorce...why not today? End your marriage, since it's now just a farce...the vows are broken, the feelings are gone...why waste any more of your life with your H? End it...now. THEN see what the future with MM might hold. If he feels the same about you...he'll take the same actions. If not...well, that tells you how he really felt, right? And regardless, you'll at least have freed yourself from the burden of your present situation. You'll be free to pursue whomever you want then, right? I don't get it...why continue cheating on your husband? If you're not happy...get out. Don't leave him thinking that your marriage is still real. Let him go...give him opportunity to find someone who'll care for him like you care for MM. Make sense?
herenow Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 You have made a choice to be with a MM and accept the lies that go with that life. I agree with everyone who has told you that your H should not have to be part of your choice to cheat. You are making decisions that effect your H's life and he isn't even aware of it to be able to make his own choice. IMO, you should tell him that you are having an affair and either file for divorce or at least give him the option to decide if he wants to be married to a cheater. I also think the MM should do the same and let his wife know that he is involved with you. Maybe then the BW and BH can find true honest love with someone who really wants to be with them and the two cheaters can be together where they belong.
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