Roxy24 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Ok, first off this is actually an extremely long story but I'm going to shorten it up to the best of my ability. I'm with the man I love with all of my heart right now but I am having a lot of trouble with forgiving the past. He ended up being married. I went against my better judgement and he moved in with the promise of divorcing. He went back and forth with me and her for several months. Everytime he explained reasons for things, I believed him. I kept catching him with her, talking to her, or texting her. I'm not going into detail but needless to say this relationship became increasingly horrible. I could never have imagined the things that transpired. I finally began to give up on it and start something with another guy. He found this out and then claimed he wanted me and only me. I stayed away because I was starting to get my life back together( I let everything suffer during this relationship). After about a week I decided to listen to what he had to say. I love him so I wanted to believe him but the past has taught me that he is quite good at decieving me. I kept the other guy on the side for a little bit ( knowing it was wrong but jic something happened) He seemed to have reformed. I let the other guy go and he moved back in with me. Everything was good for a week or two. He was caring, loving, attentive but it wasn't enough. I know we both want this to work. We really have something special but I'm really having a hard time. He does things that spark red flags in my head and I'll blow up. I constantly look at his phone ( I don't want to anymore) I'm uneasy with his female friends. I lose my head whenever he leaves the house. My anger is becoming uncontrollable, I'm really insecure about so many things, and we have a complete lack of communication. We are so beyond frusterated. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm exhausted.
saturnfell Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hi Roxy, My first question would be: Has he left his wife? I understand how you feel, completely. It's very difficult to earn trust back. I don't want to say you're overreacting because you're not, you're bringing the past into the present (whether or not the past behaviors are still occurring) It's going to take you awhile to get through this. When you look through his phone now, do you find anything? When he goes out, is he going where he says he's going? I understand him leaving and your mind going in circles thinking of every possibility. From your post, it seems as though this man means a lot to you. Have you considered couples counseling?
Author Roxy24 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Well the divorce has finally gone through, so he claims. I have yet to see the papers though. Until I do I don't believe him. I have not heard from her nor have I seen any phone or texts from her on his phone. However, after everything that happened I packed up and moved 30 mins away from that area but his uncle still lives out there. When he leaves to go there is when I get scared because he's in her area. There's another thing, I've never felt threatened by his female friend though I've never met her but now I do. He erases the texts he sends and sometimes I see hers and the way she talks it seems off. He didn't go with them on New years and she flipped out saying he ruined her night. It was almost like she was entitled to him. He explained that she's like that with everyone but because of our past I don't buy it. He also wanted to talk to her outside and when I put up a fight about it he just decided to not even call her. So then why can't he call a "friend" in front of me? Looks sneaky. He has changed so much and seems to care but Idk if I can let my guard down with him again. Its becoming very frustrating.
saturnfell Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Well, one things that you can't change is where his Uncle lives. Do you ever go with him when he visits? This would reassure you a bit. As for the friend of his. Have you met her? That's important, and if not, why not? It's possible that she's just a clingy friend, I've had male friends who's female friends were like sister's to them and were very close. I'm like that with a friend of mine, he's the greatest friend I could ever ask for, and we're very close, but as friends. How involved are you in his life? And by this I mean, do you go to family functions, spend time with him and his friends, etc?
Author Roxy24 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 ok, first off thank you for taking the time to respond to my post it means alot. Well heres the thing... I've met his uncle a few times but I've never gone over to the house because he says his aunt is a total betch. I've never met any of his family because they live in Kenya. I have spoken to them on the phone though. With the friend... I've never met her. I saw her once but he didn't introduce me but that was a long time ago and probably had something to do with the fact of his marriage. I have expressed the fact that I wouldn't have a problem with her if I could at least meet her. I was "supposedly" invited to go for New Years but I know he had no intention on taking me. I did take his phone one night and texted her pretending to be him. She ended up saying something that bothered me. She said she thought he was still living with the wifey. So I got upset that here is this so-called close friend of his and she knows nothing about me. He jumps around with everything. He said she knows alot about me but she doesn't know he's living with me?? Idk he just goes in circles when he talks and then it looks like something is up. When I try to explain myself and what he can do to help we just end up arguing and nothing gets resolved.
saturnfell Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 ok, first off thank you for taking the time to respond to my post it means alot. Well heres the thing... I've met his uncle a few times but I've never gone over to the house because he says his aunt is a total betch. I've never met any of his family because they live in Kenya. I have spoken to them on the phone though. With the friend... I've never met her. I saw her once but he didn't introduce me but that was a long time ago and probably had something to do with the fact of his marriage. I have expressed the fact that I wouldn't have a problem with her if I could at least meet her. I was "supposedly" invited to go for New Years but I know he had no intention on taking me. I did take his phone one night and texted her pretending to be him. She ended up saying something that bothered me. She said she thought he was still living with the wifey. So I got upset that here is this so-called close friend of his and she knows nothing about me. He jumps around with everything. He said she knows alot about me but she doesn't know he's living with me?? Idk he just goes in circles when he talks and then it looks like something is up. When I try to explain myself and what he can do to help we just end up arguing and nothing gets resolved. You're welcome. I hope I can help in some way. I'm glad you've met his Uncle, that's great. Are they close? If so, his Aunt shouldn't be an issue. Does he spend time with his Uncle out of their home? It might be nice if you mentioned the three of you going to dinner? So, he made plans with you for New Years and then the two of you didn't end up going. And this 'friend' of his was there, Did he try to go alone or did he just cancel the entire night? What did you two end up doing? I don't know why she would think he's still with his wife, especially if they are as good of friends as he claims. This would lead me to believe she does not know about you, or if she does, that she doesn't know how serious your relationship is. Can you ask him if the three of you could get together and go to dinner (as a social outing)? If he's left his wife and the divorce is going through, ok, great. What you're telling me about this whole 'friend' situation is a cause for concern. You should ask if you can all get together. Also, he should listen to you when you suggest ways to improve the relationship. The fact that the two of you fight over it and nothing gets resolved is another issue.
Author Roxy24 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Well he said that I wouldn't get along with her and that my texting her embarrassed him. He did want to go alone but he ended up staying and instead of us going out he sat on the couch pouting. He claims he's frustrated that I've put him in a difficult spot. He's been friends with her before he knew me. I have introduced ways of him having her as a friend and my being comfortable but instead he just drops it. We're also planning to move to another state in a month or so. So he says that he just wont hangout with her it doesn't matter. He's been going over his uncle's quite often and since we only have one car I can't go and find out. Which yes, I know is really bad but I feel the need to do it. I caught him so many times with his wife while he said he was at his uncles. I'm so confused. Part of me believes that he will never change and I'm being a fool once again. The other part of me thinks I'm becoming quite difficult and I'm making my own mind go nuts. He's very and always has been very odd about his aunt and uncle. when I've driven him over there I drop him off down the road not in the driveway. It used to bother me that he wouldn't just take the car and so he fixed that problem he takes it but then arises more problems. He says he doesn't know what to do but I make it clear what my big issues are and how he can help but he just ignores it and says ok I'll fix it and more will come up. Idk what to do anymore.
saturnfell Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Well he said that I wouldn't get along with her and that my texting her embarrassed him. He did want to go alone but he ended up staying and instead of us going out he sat on the couch pouting. He claims he's frustrated that I've put him in a difficult spot. He's been friends with her before he knew me. I have introduced ways of him having her as a friend and my being comfortable but instead he just drops it. We're also planning to move to another state in a month or so. So he says that he just wont hangout with her it doesn't matter. He's been going over his uncle's quite often and since we only have one car I can't go and find out. Which yes, I know is really bad but I feel the need to do it. I caught him so many times with his wife while he said he was at his uncles. I'm so confused. Part of me believes that he will never change and I'm being a fool once again. The other part of me thinks I'm becoming quite difficult and I'm making my own mind go nuts. He's very and always has been very odd about his aunt and uncle. when I've driven him over there I drop him off down the road not in the driveway. It used to bother me that he wouldn't just take the car and so he fixed that problem he takes it but then arises more problems. He says he doesn't know what to do but I make it clear what my big issues are and how he can help but he just ignores it and says ok I'll fix it and more will come up. Idk what to do anymore. Ok... His wanting to go to the party alone, not really acceptable. I'm glad (for his sake) he didn't go. However, it's sounds like the evening wasn't that great. I'm sorry. If this is a long term friend of his, you should definitely know each other. There really is no reason or excuse the two of you have not met. What does it matter whether the two of you end up disliking one another? You at least deserve the his respect to meet her. I don't trust the situation. If your gut is telling you something, I would listen, especially since you've been right in the past. Allow me to apologize in advance for this comment, but he wouldn't let you drop him off in the driveway?! No one's perfect, but come on. Great now he drives himself, so now he just has access to do anything he wants. Don't feel bad about your comment on checking up on him. You're in a situation that allows you to think like that. You mentioned the two of you are moving. Are you going to be quite a distance from where you are now, or could he still visit? I guess the ultimate question would be, do you see yourself marrying this man?
Author Roxy24 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 We are planning to move out of state but to a place he used to live. He will know people and I will not. See I really cannot even believe all of this has happened and I stuck in there. I think of myself as a really strong educated together woman so why the heck would I have stayed through it all? I guess we're all smart girls until we fall in love. I just don't know if my gut is right or if I'm just psyching myself out. I do want to be with him but the fear of what might happen is overbearing right now. Idk if it'll ever go away. He's starting to over his uncle's everyday now. I'm trying to prepare myself in case it happens so I don't completely fall apart because it is a possibility. However, is that bad to do? Ahh... thank you so much for your insight.
saturnfell Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 You really can't prepare yourself if it were to happen again. You may just need time to get through this before you can fully trust him again. If you can see yourself with this man and hope to trust him again, you'll work through it. What do you think will happen when you move away? He'll have people there, but will you be able to build a life? You need a great support system given your situation. You would need one anyway, don't get me wrong, but you need your own system. When it comes to emotions, even the most intelligent people fall in the trap. How does he see his future with you?
Author Roxy24 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 I read your posts... and if I may ask...what happened between you and your ex? I have more details of mine in another thread, i think it's in Coping?
saturnfell Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I was in a relationship, we ended up moving in together. I was nervous about moving in from day one. Maybe I should have spoke up and asked if we could wait, but I moved in. I love the apartment, I love that it was 'us', I love that I could come home to him everyday, and wake up with him every morning, but I was still nervous. I didn't want to lose him; which is ultimately what happened. I pulled away from him; which led him with no choice but to pull away from me. We eventually broke up and I moved out. I made a mistake. This man made such an impact in my life, he means so much to me. It was very difficult for me, I was a wreck. Eventually I didn't contact him. I went about three weeks without speaking with him. Until one day, I called him. We had a nice talk. I called him a few days later and asked to see him. We got together and had a great time. We decided that we would be friends, take it slow and see what materializes. I have plans to see him tomorrow. I'm nervous. I want to see him and take all the time needed in order for us to work towards a relationship. I'm also fearful. I'm afraid nothing will happen and I'll be back where I was. He knows I care for him and how sorry I am for having pulled away. He's very weary, and I can't blame him. I understand it will take him time. He's worth every minute and every ounce of my time. I would give so much to have a second chance. I just hope this turns out well.
Author Roxy24 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 I hope you had a good time on your date. It sounds like you two will work it out and it's great that you're willing to be patient. Good luck with him. Ok... Problem today... I found out he called his wife's work back and forth the other day when he was at his uncles. He called me in between this was from 7pm until around 9pm of calls back and forth. I confront him and he gets pissed at me! Gives me an excuse that I absolutely don't believe... He was talking to the manager about computers because that is what he does. All I want is for him to be honest with me! I keep reassuring him if he had to talk to her for any reason and maybe he doesnt want me to worry just tell me otherwise this is making things worse. I feel like i'm trying to trust him and make our relationship work but he's throwing hurdles in my way. I just don't know how to get through to him. I do understand his feelings and I don't disreguard them but I want the same in return. I feel like I'm getting nowhere i'm already trying to work through how hard the past was now new stuff going on and then worry about how its stressing him out. When do i get relief?
norajane Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I do want to be with him but the fear of what might happen is overbearing right now. Idk if it'll ever go away.No, it's not likely to go away, since he keeps doing stuff that is very, very suspicious. He goes to his uncle's every day? Really? More like to his wife's place. His wife, whom he's still married to if he cannot produce signed divorce papers. It's time to dump him. And this ex of yours? You want a second chance with him? Does he know you're living with your current loser/liar bf? Maybe you should try one relationship at a time. That will work out much better if you really want things to work with your ex. I kept the other guy on the side for a little bit ( knowing it was wrong but jic something happened) By the way, this "just in case" bf thing is a bad, bad habit of yours. It makes you about as trustworthy as your live-in loser/liar bf.
Author Roxy24 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Norajane.Thanks for your post but I don't believe you've read everything correctly. I'm living with my ex-the one who was married. I did for a few weeks when him and I weren't together have another guy but I let him go when I decided to give my ex another chance. He claims the divorce is through the courts but the papers have not come in the mail yet. Idk how long it takes but it feels like bull****.
norajane Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Norajane.Thanks for your post but I don't believe you've read everything correctly. I'm living with my ex-the one who was married. I did for a few weeks when him and I weren't together have another guy but I let him go when I decided to give my ex another chance. He claims the divorce is through the courts but the papers have not come in the mail yet. Idk how long it takes but it feels like bull****. Oh, I'm sorry. I misread saturnfell's post about her ex and thought it was written by you. So, scrap the stuff about the ex. But DO dump your current bf. I don't believe your current bf is trustworthy, nor do I believe he's actually divorced. If you are living in fear of him lying to you every day like this, you can do better. Time to dump him!!!
LostNLonely Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 "By the way, this "just in case" bf thing is a bad, bad habit of yours. It makes you about as trustworthy as your live-in loser/liar bf." I couldn't agree more, and so you know, he's the only one I feel sorry for in your story...if you'll do it with him (cheat) you'll do it to him (cheat) and ytou deserve to have it done onto to you (cheat). If you haven't yet gotten what you wanted, you have gotten what you deserved! Buh bye.
LostNLonely Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Oh, because I'm guessing you'll not know what I'm referencing by saying "if you haven't got what you want" I'm operating under the assumption your looking for love and trust, which go together, cuz' you can't have love without the trust, sorry again if I ruined your night, but I figure your conscience needed a wake-up call (it's 11:15 est)
Author Roxy24 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 wow! lostnlonely... READ before you post something. First of all... People go on here to get advice so if you don't have any then don't write please. Obviously you have no clue. Thank you.
saturnfell Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 The mere fact that you know he's called his wife is enough. Can you take some time away? I know you said you're moving, but how do you think that will change things? Do you see things getting better? He's not going to be honest with you if he's hiding something from you.
Crestfallen_KH Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I guess I'm confused as to why you'd try to create a relationship with someone you've NEVER been able to trust. The basic foundation just isn't there to make this anything more than a non-starter. In addition, I'm concerned about the comment that you kept the new bf around - "just in case." Do you fear being alone so much that you'd keep a human being in reserve? I'd strongly recommend individual therapy to figure out whatever issues you may have that contribute to your decision-making skills and fears. Put the focus on you and your own emotional health rather than this relationship; frankly, it was over before it ever began.
Author Roxy24 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Well the thing is I KNOW I love him and I KNOW I won't find a connection like this with anyone else. He is the first person that has ever understood me and truely liked me for me. Most guys I've been with have only been with me for my physical appearance. He and I connected on all levels. It was never about the outside. He actually LISTENS when someone talks and generally cares and adds input. We can talk about absolutely anything! With the wife's work call... it was one day. I don't believe his story but I think he was talking to her for reasons that were not romantic. I think he's refusing to confess because he's walking on eggshells with me and it probably doesn't matter what they were talking about just the fact that he spoke to her I won't listen and I'll be hurt. I think he's just looking out for us. I could be very wrong but that's what I've concluded. To answer the whole not wanting to be alone thing... Yes I did admit that was VERY VERY wrong of me to do (keep a guy on the side jic). Unfortunately at the time I had been so broken, so weak, I felt like I was completely unattractive, etc... So having some attention from another man made me feel special and good about myself. I hadn't had that in a LONG time. I KNOW it was very wrong of me to do. I'm most definitely not afraid of being alone. Before this relationship I cherished my alone time. I never wanted a man in fact. I felt like a strong, level-headed woman. I never allowed myself to get close to anyone. Until HIM...
norajane Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Before this relationship...I felt like a strong, level-headed woman. Doesn't it bother you that he's turned you into a weak, confused woman? Love doesn't make you weak. It makes you stronger because it brings out the best in you and supports you. You aren't weak now because you opened up and allowed yourself to be vulnerable to a man. You are weak because you opened up to the wrong man - a man who is untrustworthy, sneaks around doing questionable things with ridiculous explanations or no explanation, and could very well still be married. You can, and should, do better.
Crestfallen_KH Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 No, you DON'T "know" that you'll never find another connection like the one you have with him again. It's what you choose to believe... We can prove 1 + 1 = 2, but we can't prove that Roxy24 is doomed to insufficiently satisfying relationships for the rest of her life if she leaves someone who's never proven to be trustworthy. I mean this in the kindest way, but you're not so special, so complex or so deep that only one other person out there is capable of "getting" you or connecting with you - none of us are. You just choose to believe that because you elect not to have the strength to demand better for yourself. I believed as you did for awhile, but then I realized that people break up and fall in love every day. Yes, any subsequent relationships will be different, but can you at least consider that they could be better? Or, at the very least, contain the basic foundations (e.g., trust) of any successful relationship?
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