OpenBook Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Not everyone jumps in feet first into a boat, without a paddle. No, some of us plunge headlong into it - in direct contradiction to what they advise everyone else to do.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 No, some of us plunge headlong into it - in direct contradiction to what they advise everyone else to do. Selectively reading and non-comprehension, is always a challenge, isn't it? I've recommended that people go for it, while watching for red flags. It's what I'm currently doing. I'm also testing my gut instincts while taking the advice of others on LS. This is openly posted in one of my threads. I think you need to stop selectively reading, then making things up in your head. Seriously.
Tomcat33 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Selectively reading and non-comprehension, is always a challenge, isn't it? I've recommended that people go for it, while watching for red flags. It's what I'm currently doing. I'm also testing my gut instincts while taking the advice of others on LS. This is openly posted in one of my threads. I think you need to stop selectively reading, then making things up in your head. Seriously. It's not selective reading and TBF YOU don't do that, what you do is you throw yourself emotions head first and then try to pretend to keep your distance with your actions with some games of space that you THINK are going to guard your heart, but you are too emotionally invested to realize this. THAT's throwing yourself without a paddel. You clearly expect too much too soon and then when those expectations are not met the let down of the century happens and the poor guy is considered broken. Then think that you can just stick around and enjoy the "broken guy" no strings attached, only to realise even that doesn't work. You are suggesting the woman in this situation do the same thing, she already said she is emotionally invested and the guy keeps asking her if she's sure she is ok with this, PLUS he has point blank told her "date men that are better for her" and you suggest she stick around and have "fun" with Mr Right now? She won't be able to do that she will always want more from him. So do yourselves a favour and don't pretend like you can have a "no strings attached casual rel with a man who doesn't want more" and think you can actually pull that off, because you can't. How do I know this? Because in the OP she said this: Is this type the kind of situation where "dripping water wears down the rock" or "immovable object" situation. I've been patient with him (we've been dating for 2 months), but I'm not sure if I'm making progress. Any advice She wants MORE she is not getting more.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 TC, what bothers you most is not that you want to help anyone, it's that your advice is being ignored by the OP. So...you/OpenBook, with your personal harboured petty resentments are choosing to make personal attacks. I'm truly fed up with the pettiness of individuals. I'll let you and any alter ego of yours, do your thing by yourself within this thread. The drama cycle needs to end. indianlover, I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your Mr. Right Now. If you'd like more advice from me, feel free to PM me.
Tomcat33 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 TC, what bothers you most is not that you want to help anyone, it's that your advice is being ignored by the OP. No what bothers me most is that you criticize others for throwing themselves on a boat without a paddle when you do precisely that with men emotionally speaking, and then pretend like you can do the "no strings attached Mr Right Now" cool as a cucumber act when you are busting at the seams. CLEARLY you can't pull that off so you are not the best person to tell this woman "enjoy a no strings attached situation". Your advise to this woman is counter productive, and I am thinking of her needs as she posted on the OP for help on how to deal with a guy that won't let things progress, she is frustrated , emotionally invested and I ultimately want to see her succeed in what she wants.
Tomcat33 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Selectively reading and non-comprehension, is always a challenge, isn't it? I've recommended that people go for it, while watching for red flags. She said he is pushing her away, telling her to date other men, and the relationship is not progressing because he tells her he can't offer her what she wants. Exactly how many more "red flags" do you need before you deem it ok for her to cut him loose? I don't know why you are so gun hoe on her sticking around with him!?!? If she could enjoy a "Mr Right Now" scenario she would not be posting about this situation and asking others what to do about this guy, she would kick back an enjoy things for how they are, but she wants more and naturally needs more. This isn't working OR making her feel happy so make a change and strive for a better outcome.
sand26 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Oh, he's one of those "you can do better than me/I'm not good enough for you" guys. In my experience, when a guy tells you he's not good enough for you and you can do better, he's right. Believe him. Lost cause, move on. this is right
audrey_1 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 What exactly are you wanting after two months? He's moving at a very normal pace for some men. Your worries should start after the six month mark...even then, it's really different for everybody. If he's moving too slow for you, that's an incompatibility you may not be able to live with. This is true...for some men. Not all men who move slowly don't want a relationship, but not all do. I think that some commitment-phobic men keep things at a snail's pace because they're predisposed for reluctance, anyway. Probably a gross generalization, but just something I've noticed about dating men who turned out to be this way. In what way is he inconsistent, if he's attentive and communicates well? A good point. If you're receiving attention and communication, even on a non-daily basis, this is probably a good thing. It goes along with what TonyT said. People operate on different schedules, and it can't necessarily be used to gauge level of interest. Hun if he is pushing you to date other men, men that will be good partners to you, that pretty much says it all. Stop wasting your time on him, it's not going to get any better, he is telling you he is not going to give you more. Listen to him. This is 100% true. I speak from experience. If you are the slightest bit emotionally invested, and run the risk of that increasing, get out now. It will hurt less now than later. Mainly insecurities about his life - he's in school for the next two years and tied to a job for maybe five years after that, but wishes to be back home. So he feels he can't be a good partner because he doesn't know where our relationship would go after two years...(yes he's a long term kinda guy - talks about marriage and kids) The thing is he IS a good partner. Just don't know how long to wait out his storms. Mmmhmm. Great partner. Fun, witty, opens doors, buys dinner, invites you away for the weekend...all examples in my case. But nope. There was no relationship. I was HIS Ms. Right Now, without even knowing it until over a year into the relationship. Oh, he's one of those "you can do better than me/I'm not good enough for you" guys. In my experience, when a guy tells you he's not good enough for you and you can do better, he's right. Believe him. Lost cause, move on. Yep. yep. yep. See the hard part is he keeps changing his mind. When we started dating he wanted something really serious (with me) then he went home and got cold feet, backed off so I gave him space. Then he warmed up again, but then he had to leave again. So its a see-saw! His floundering about technicalities doesn't really bother me that much because he's good to me and faithful, I just wanted to know is he'll ever stop or if this is a "type" of man I've never encountered before :-\ Are you sure he's faithful? I found out my guy was seeing someone else when I stopped by his house when I arrived in town for the holidays. His other Ms. Right Now was over there, and no telling how many others there are. It was a real epiphany! Thanks Trialbyfire. I don't mind a more go with the flow attitude. I'm younger than him by a few years, not really in a rush and enjoy his company. He's the one that wants to 'define' us - I think he's really worried about hurting me. I have to constantly reassure him that I'm ok. Yes, you mind the go with the flow attitude, or you wouldn't have made this post. I minded. It drove me crazy. I wanted to be his one and only. It will not happen with me, or with you. Not with this guy. If he's worried about hurting you, as my guy was, then there's a reason. He realizes his limits, and you aren't enough for him not to impose them. His "definition" will be casual and non-committal, and on his terms, not yours. Get to moving on! You need to cut him off cold turkey my friend. I'll tell you why, you can't hang out with him and kick back and relax you are TOO emotionally invested and it will only make you feel worse when he still doesn't change to give you what you want. You won't be able to handle a casual rel. with him because you clearly want more. You need to cut him loose and take him up on his suggestion to date other guys. He'll be back "rethinking" things in a few weeks time. Yep. Sound advice. And he may or may NOT be back in a few week's time, but that's not your concern. Your concern should be your health, not being jerked around, and finding someone on the same page as you when it comes to what you want from a relationship. You are not compatible, and it will be YOU who hurts in the end, make no mistake. Of course you are, he sees that you are emotionally invested, which is why he keeps asking you if you are ok and makes a point to remind you that he doesn't want to hurt you. He doesn't feel good about what he is doing because he knows he can't offer you more. Yes, and this is selfish of him. He won't let you go, but doesn't really want all of you. By stringing you along, he continues to win while you lose. He gets his needs met, but what do you get? The see saw, the emotional roller coaster. I suggest you get off the ride and leave the amusement park. Be sure to pop a Dramamine on your way out.
Author indianlover Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 So an update: I dumped him. He's supposed to return next week and I offered to visit him in his hometown (which he talks about all the time) then he told me that he's going on a date with a girl there today - that it would send 'mixed messages' if I were to show up. So I told him off and he still had the balls to email me saying 'when I'm ready he'd like to catch a movie with me.' WTF? Really?
Tomcat33 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 What an azzhole!!! Sorry to hear this Indianlover Too bad you didn't beat him to the punch when he was hemming and hawing about what he wanted. I would have said "here let me make it easy for you: "Arriva der che, stronzo" But I appreciate you have to feel sure about what you are doing. Glad to hear you sent him packing. You'll hear from him in a few weeks or months hope you tell him you are seeing someone else when he does, and that it would interefere with your current relationship if you were to talk to him further. What a jerk.
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