indianlover Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Have you ever dated a guy of the 'elusive' type that is definitely interested, but inconsistent...for example: He's Attentive (calls, dates, etc) Communicates well Somewhat shy/slow moving/traditional ...and yet he has an attention disorder and has no idea what to do about his future and, unfortunately, our relationship. Is this type the kind of situation where "dripping water wears down the rock" or "immovable object" situation. I've been patient with him (we've been dating for 2 months), but I'm not sure if I'm making progress. Any advice?
Tony T Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 What exactly are you wanting after two months? He's moving at a very normal pace for some men. There are a LOT of women who get very concerned if a man makes too many moves too quickly. I would definitely be weary of a guy who wanted to make a commitment of any kind so soon in a relationship. Now, yes, he could ask you for an exclusive dating relationship but that would be as far as a healthy dating situation should go for the time you've been together. Your worries should start after the six month mark...even then, it's really different for everybody. If he's moving too slow for you, that's an incompatibility you may not be able to live with. Perhaps you ought to find a guy who will profess his love after a few dates and then commence numerous attempts to jump your bones. All the qualities you list in your post above are those of a guy almost every woman in the world would love to come in contact with. Why don't you release him to find someone who won't complain that he's a gentleman? A lot of people have no idea about their future but it always works out. By now, you know him well enough to get into his head and see just what's going on in there. If you want him to move faster with you, encourage him in that direction. Do some work here if you aren't happy with the way things are proceeding.
Tomcat33 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I've been patient with him (we've been dating for 2 months), but I'm not sure if I'm making progress. Any advice? Patient with what? I am not exactly sure what you are waiting for exactly. Can you please explain? Nice post TonyT.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 In what way is he inconsistent, if he's attentive and communicates well?
Author indianlover Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 I guess maybe I didn't innumerate my situation that much because I wanted to see what other people think about the general personality type. I absolutely adore him, he is so good to me as you say. I've told him its ok if we take it slow, but he seems defeated. The problem is he's been vocal about his insecurities regarding our relationship. To the point where he is pushing me away, telling me to date other men so that I can find a good partner. When I tell him that I like HIM he shies away, tells me not to say that. :-\ Its hard to give him space and try to show him that I care at the same time!
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 The problem is he's been vocal about his insecurities regarding our relationship. What are the insecurities he expresses?
Tomcat33 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I To the point where he is pushing me away, telling me to date other men so that I can find a good partner. When I tell him that I like HIM he shies away, tells me not to say that. :-\ Its hard to give him space and try to show him that I care at the same time! Hun if he is pushing you to date other men, men that will be good partners to you, that pretty much says it all. Stop wasting your time on him, it's not going to get any better, he is telling you he is not going to give you more. Listen to him.
Author indianlover Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 What are the insecurities he expresses? Mainly insecurities about his life - he's in school for the next two years and tied to a job for maybe five years after that, but wishes to be back home. So he feels he can't be a good partner because he doesn't know where our relationship would go after two years...(yes he's a long term kinda guy - talks about marriage and kids) The thing is he IS a good partner. Just don't know how long to wait out his storms.
norajane Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 he seems defeated. The problem is he's been vocal about his insecurities regarding our relationship. To the point where he is pushing me away, telling me to date other men so that I can find a good partner. When I tell him that I like HIM he shies away, tells me not to say that. :-\ Its hard to give him space and try to show him that I care at the same time! Oh, he's one of those "you can do better than me/I'm not good enough for you" guys. In my experience, when a guy tells you he's not good enough for you and you can do better, he's right. Believe him. Lost cause, move on.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Mainly insecurities about his life - he's in school for the next two years and tied to a job for maybe five years after that, but wishes to be back home. So he feels he can't be a good partner because he doesn't know where our relationship would go after two years...(yes he's a long term kinda guy - talks about marriage and kids) The thing is he IS a good partner. Just don't know how long to wait out his storms. He doesn't sound like he's ready or looking for a serious commitment. If you want to keep dating him for the now, that's okay too. Never rely on potential.
Author indianlover Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 He doesn't sound like he's ready or looking for a serious commitment. If you want to keep dating him for the now, that's okay too. Never rely on potential. See the hard part is he keeps changing his mind. When we started dating he wanted something really serious (with me) then he went home and got cold feet, backed off so I gave him space. Then he warmed up again, but then he had to leave again. So its a see-saw! His floundering about technicalities doesn't really bother me that much because he's good to me and faithful, I just wanted to know is he'll ever stop or if this is a "type" of man I've never encountered before :-\
Tomcat33 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 See the hard part is he keeps changing his mind. When we started dating he wanted something really serious (with me) then he went home and got cold feet, backed off so I gave him space. Then he warmed up again, but then he had to leave again. So its a see-saw! Well then the best thing you can do is cut yourself loose from this guy and let him figure out what he wants on his own. With you there you will just keep hitting your head against that wall and he will keep not knowing what he wants. Is this really what you want for yourself? When a guy doesn't know what he wants it's because he doesn't really want what he has.
Author indianlover Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 When a guy doesn't know what he wants it's because he doesn't really want what he has. Here, here. Nail on the head. And, yes, I do hear you. Considering what Tomcat said, what is my next move? Who votes cut him off who votes dig in?
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 His floundering about technicalities doesn't really bother me that much because he's good to me and faithful, I just wanted to know is he'll ever stop or if this is a "type" of man I've never encountered before :-\ To stress this again, don't rely on potential in a man. If you want to stay with him for the now, just relax and enjoy it. I wouldn't be looking at this guy or any guy, as someone who will change for you.
Author indianlover Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Thanks Trialbyfire. I don't mind a more go with the flow attitude. I'm younger than him by a few years, not really in a rush and enjoy his company. He's the one that wants to 'define' us - I think he's really worried about hurting me. I have to constantly reassure him that I'm ok.
Tomcat33 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Here, here. Nail on the head. And, yes, I do hear you. Considering what Tomcat said, what is my next move? Who votes cut him off who votes dig in? You need to cut him off cold turkey my friend. I'll tell you why, you can't hang out with him and kick back and relax you are TOO emotionally invested and it will only make you feel worse when he still doesn't change to give you what you want. You won't be able to handle a casual rel. with him because you clearly want more. You need to cut him loose and take him up on his suggestion to date other guys. He'll be back "rethinking" things in a few weeks time.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Thanks Trialbyfire. I don't mind a more go with the flow attitude. I'm younger than him by a few years, not really in a rush and enjoy his company. He's the one that wants to 'define' us - I think he's really worried about hurting me. I have to constantly reassure him that I'm ok. Plse don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say. Look at him as Mr. Now, if you want to stay with him. Don't look at him as Mr. Right.
Tomcat33 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Look at him as Mr. Now, if you want to stay with him. Don't look at him as Mr. Right. Impossible to do when you are emotionally invested in someone.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Impossible to do when you are emotionally invested in someone. Only indianlover can tell us if she can or can't, is or isn't emotionally invested and to what level. Not everyone jumps in feet first into a boat, without a paddle.
Author indianlover Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Only indianlover can tell us if she can or can't, is or isn't emotionally invested and to what level. Not everyone jumps in feet first into a boat, without a paddle. Well I'm emotionally invested, but the idea is that I'm not looking for marriage. I'm ok with the idea that you can be with someone, share experiences with them and say goodbye on good terms (or otherwise) But maybe you also bring up a point which is that he might be different. When he's emotionally invested maybe he thinks of marriage and nothing else. Can that be true of men? (Thought only women think this way)
Tomcat33 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Well I'm emotionally invested, but the idea is that I'm not looking for marriage. I'm ok with the idea that you can be with someone, share experiences with them and say goodbye on good terms (or otherwise) Of course you are, he sees that you are emotionally invested, which is why he keeps asking you if you are ok and makes a point to remind you that he doesn't want to hurt you. He doesn't feel good about what he is doing because he knows he can't offer you more.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Well I'm emotionally invested, but the idea is that I'm not looking for marriage. I'm ok with the idea that you can be with someone, share experiences with them and say goodbye on good terms (or otherwise)Sounds like you have the right attitude for something like this. Whether he's invested or not, only he knows. Are you okay with this? But maybe you also bring up a point which is that he might be different. When he's emotionally invested maybe he thinks of marriage and nothing else. Can that be true of men? (Thought only women think this way)I'm not sure where you got that from, except my Mr. Right comment? If so, I'm suggesting that he doesn't appear to have long-term potential. As for men thinking about marriage and nothing else, I'd be surprised if there were too many that think in those terms. More like, is she relationship material or is she an ONS.
Author indianlover Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 I'm not sure where you got that from, except my Mr. Right comment? If so, I'm suggesting that he doesn't appear to have long-term potential. I got it more from him - he talks about kids, marriage, and settling down all the time. He wants to settle down but because of his position right now, can't. But he has many impossible dreams and wants to cling to all of them!
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I got it more from him - he talks about kids, marriage, and settling down all the time. He wants to settle down but because of his position right now, can't. But he has many impossible dreams and wants to cling to all of them! As long as you're aware that these are only his dreams and don't necessarily constitute a future reality, then you're fine. If you expect this to be your reality for the future, you have to think of why he keeps telling you to look for a better man. He doesn't want you relying on him, potentially because he doesn't want that responsibility or that he doesn't believe in himself. If he doesn't believe in himself, he'll never make his dreams come true. You know you can't fix him. Don't do that to yourself. Only he can fix himself.
Author indianlover Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 He doesn't want you relying on him, potentially because he doesn't want that responsibility or that he doesn't believe in himself. If he doesn't believe in himself, he'll never make his dreams come true. You know you can't fix him. Don't do that to yourself. Only he can fix himself. Definitely good thoughts. I've already suggested that he talk to a psychologist about his current predicament - which he was responsive to. He already got himself on medication for ADD, so he's independently taking steps to fix himself. Our relationship is getting caught up in his mess basically. I feel like a bystander at a car wreck and he's running around panicking while I'm just standing still.
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