mm4184 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 i've been having an ok time finally getting out of bed and going out to have lunch or just hang out with friends. it doesn't help that 2 of my closest friends work with my ex so they see him and sometimes i run into him. i just want to know if it's normal to kind of be BORING when i'm out. he's still in my head when i'm out, it's just a distraction for me not to dwell so much especially when i'm home just obsessing and thinking of what the hell he's doing with his life without me. i just opened up microsoft word and started writing a letter to him i won't send and it's made me feel a little better. i try to read books but then i end up putting them down after awhile. i watch tv but i feel like i'm just looking at the screen. is this normal after 3 months of being broken up? and is it just temporary to feel this way? i just wrote about thinking of going on antidepressants but i really don't want to. i just want to know that i can get through this without medical help. i just hope it gets easier. i'm very competitive and i think that part of me feeling this way is my jealousy that one day there will be a girl in my spot before and no matter what, i'll feel like she's better than me because he chose her. he's dated some "downgrades" and i still find it in me to think that they are probably wonderful girls even if they're not that cute. AHHHH help me. i need to figure out what else i can do to ease the pain and help my process because it feels like i'm STUCK and that it's not getting better..
Darklegion Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 It is normal, everyone moves on eventually through time...Some need more time than others. Personally I have dated a girl for 2 years and she just threw the relationship away, I was devastated... I am still not over her and it has been 2 months since the break up, which happened on my birthday! Just hang in there, keep hanging out with friends and keep your mind clear of your ex. What helped me greatly was writing an email to my ex and whether she reads it or not I will not know unless she responds (which she has not done so and it has been 2 days). I have felt 100x better since I wrote that email.
EmperorR Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 One day at a time keep yourself busy, stop trying to think what he's doing, ask your friends not to feed you any information about him. Keep up the good fight:0
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 It is normal, everyone moves on eventually through time...Some need more time than others. Personally I have dated a girl for 2 years and she just threw the relationship away, I was devastated... I am still not over her and it has been 2 months since the break up, which happened on my birthday! Just hang in there, keep hanging out with friends and keep your mind clear of your ex. What helped me greatly was writing an email to my ex and whether she reads it or not I will not know unless she responds (which she has not done so and it has been 2 days). I have felt 100x better since I wrote that email. i sent my ex an email bout 10 days after he left me. telling him we could never be together again. (even though he did the breaking up, he said he'd be regretting it for a long time, and if i got a call from him in a few months time, i'd know why........before then saying he wanted a clean break. i wanted, at that time, to stay together and try). i said we could never be together again, because he wasn't willing to make the effort to try, and i needed someone to make an effort for me (he hadn't made any effort for a long time........). i mentioned the good times too, and how much he'd meant, how much i still loved him and only ever wanted what was best for him, and i hoped he'd find it someday. i also told him i'd forgiven him. i got a reply the following evening, in which new information came to light about why things happened the way they did. which if i had known before, would have perhaps made it easier to communicate about things, and we might have worked things out. i think we'd still have had to take a break................i had sent that email for closure for myself. because i didn't want him ringing me regretting the way things happened. i knew i'd be weak and take him back in spite of all the hurt. but when i found out that information, i texted him and said why didn't you tell me? we could have talked. and he ignored it. and that was when i hit rock bottom...............................way worse in fact than the moment he broke up with me..................the email he sent me caused me to fill with false hope, even though it was offering no hope at all. i don't know that i regret the email or not. i regret the contact afterwards. i guess i didn't want a reply to the email..........i just wanted the final word. i hope you don't regret sending that email. i hope you don't get a reply that sets you right back to where you started from! after visiting this site so much lately, i'm all about the NO CONTACT!
replicator Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 i've been having an ok time finally getting out of bed and going out to have lunch or just hang out with friends. it doesn't help that 2 of my closest friends work with my ex so they see him and sometimes i run into him. i just want to know if it's normal to kind of be BORING when i'm out. he's still in my head when i'm out, it's just a distraction for me not to dwell so much especially when i'm home just obsessing and thinking of what the hell he's doing with his life without me. i just opened up microsoft word and started writing a letter to him i won't send and it's made me feel a little better. i try to read books but then i end up putting them down after awhile. i watch tv but i feel like i'm just looking at the screen. is this normal after 3 months of being broken up? and is it just temporary to feel this way? i just wrote about thinking of going on antidepressants but i really don't want to. i just want to know that i can get through this without medical help. i just hope it gets easier. i'm very competitive and i think that part of me feeling this way is my jealousy that one day there will be a girl in my spot before and no matter what, i'll feel like she's better than me because he chose her. he's dated some "downgrades" and i still find it in me to think that they are probably wonderful girls even if they're not that cute. AHHHH help me. i need to figure out what else i can do to ease the pain and help my process because it feels like i'm STUCK and that it's not getting better.. Tell your friends never to talk about him, and just focus on your life. Let it go. I don't know how long you were together, but three months isn't a long time. It's been several months for me, and some days the pain returns like it was yesterday we broke up. In my head, memories of her come back as if it were some Hollywood drama. I won't go into detail about that. If you're able to love someone, then you're able to get hurt. Two sides of the same coin. Life goes on, for better or worse. That's up to you
Author mm4184 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 thanks for your replies. we were together for 2.5 years. it's so hard because like everyone probably will argue, we were best friends and he's all i've known for years and to have to completely CHANGE everything and not have the one person you turned to be there, it's just devastating. i wrote a letter but i didn't send it. it was more for my own benefit of letting it out.. when we first broke up, i did email and all that but it did set me back whenever i would hear that he missed me or was just checking on me. it doesn't mean he wants me back! i have to keep telling myself that. he broke up with ME. and i guess since we both loved each other, then it was hard for him too. but now, it just seems like he's all good. which tears me up.. but what can i do right? i just need to get to the point where i can accept it, let go, and move on. but.. i'm pretty much stuck.
Riffmeister General Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 What's been helping me recently (amongst other things) is an exercise I call 'peeling the onion'. It involves me imagining my pain as this big onion. What I do is I try to tear off the layers of pain that aren't anything to do with my ex per se. For example, I relied a lot on her for company while I'm away from home and from my mates. It allowed me to see a large portion of what was painful was the feeling of loneliness I now feel that her company is not there. But, it wasn't something about HER, it was something she was providing that can be replaced, at least in some way, by someone else. So a lot of layers came off the onion that day, and it got a lot smaller. I replaced the company she gave me with that of other people - I got back in touch with friends I hadn't spoken to for ages, I'm going out more, making more of an effort. Another thing was all the things I was looking forward to doing with her were suddenly gone. Again, although I was looking forward to things that involved her, not everything I can look forward to has to involve her, so now I've replaced what I was looking forward to doing with her with other things - 2 mates are now coming out to visit in Feb, I'm going to Las Vegas for a snowboarding convention and I'm going boarding in Chile in the summer. Another load of layers come off the onion. Eventually, all that'll be left is the tiny core, and that represents what she gave me that I can't find anywhere else (clearly there's some things that her being an individual, can't be directly replaced). Hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like a Dali painting...
Knight_Ctrl Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 What's been helping me recently (amongst other things) is an exercise I call 'peeling the onion'. It involves me imagining my pain as this big onion. What I do is I try to tear off the layers of pain that aren't anything to do with my ex per se. For example, I relied a lot on her for company while I'm away from home and from my mates. It allowed me to see a large portion of what was painful was the feeling of loneliness I now feel that her company is not there. But, it wasn't something about HER, it was something she was providing that can be replaced, at least in some way, by someone else. So a lot of layers came off the onion that day, and it got a lot smaller. I replaced the company she gave me with that of other people - I got back in touch with friends I hadn't spoken to for ages, I'm going out more, making more of an effort. Another thing was all the things I was looking forward to doing with her were suddenly gone. Again, although I was looking forward to things that involved her, not everything I can look forward to has to involve her, so now I've replaced what I was looking forward to doing with her with other things - 2 mates are now coming out to visit in Feb, I'm going to Las Vegas for a snowboarding convention and I'm going boarding in Chile in the summer. Another load of layers come off the onion. Eventually, all that'll be left is the tiny core, and that represents what she gave me that I can't find anywhere else (clearly there's some things that her being an individual, can't be directly replaced). Hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like a Dali painting... I like that....but what are you going to do with that core?, honest question.
saturnfell Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 How you're feeling is completely normal. Everyone is different, time lines for healing are different for everyone. Understand how far you've made it. You've really gotten through the most difficult piece. If you are getting up, watching t.v. and reading (even if they are attempts which are short) you are still finding the energy to try. Instead of just watching t.v. try and find something specific to watch. Maybe a movie. Something that is neutral that will focus your attention. Reading is a bit more difficult because reading takes all of your energy and you are entirely in control of focusing on the book. As for going out and not feeling very lively. That is normal as well. In a past breakup I went through, it took me awhile to be able to go out, and when I finally hung out with friends, I wasn't happy to be there. I would be glum and want to go home. You'll get through it. If you're not ready to go out, don't feel like you have to. Take the time you need and heal on your own time line. Don't force yourself to do things because you feel like you're wrong by healing yourself and taking time for yourself. As for your friends who work with this person. Honestly, don't go around where they work and if they talk about him, ask them not to. If they respect you, they will not mention him. Keep going on your route. You will be ok, and as I see it, you're making progress. I understand if you don't feel like you are, but you are. It's easy to sleep all day, but once you pull yourself up and start living again (even it's only a small bit) you're healing. Even if you don't feel successful right now, you're going to be ok. Keep posting. We're here, we'll get you through.
C724 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hiya I'm 2 months down the line and feel axactly the same as you, I have been going to work as luckily I love my job and can't afford to lose it, though I see it as my only escape i.e when I am there I don't talk about him or mention his name, but once I get home I fall apart, my ex hasn't contacted me and although I am so hurt by that, I think in the long run it does make things easier. I suffer from depression anyway and take anti-depresants, and I wouldn't recomend them if you can avoid it and do it with your own strength. I hope it gets easier as I mytself don't wnat to feel like this for much longer, just take each day as it comes and keep strong I know it's really hard. x
Riffmeister General Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I like that....but what are you going to do with that core?, honest question. Good question. That core is all I then have to deal with, it's all that's left. Lets face it, there is NO quick easy fix. There will be SOMETHING really hard and painful to have to come to terms with. I'm absolutely not saying this is THE answer. It's a cognitive paradigm that can be utilised to get to the root of the pain, the bit you can't reach through all the other 'stuff'. What you're doing by peeling the onion is getting all that 'stuff' out of the way, the stuff that's not as big a problem SEPARATE from the issue as it is when it's entangled in it (loss of company, things to look forward to etc). It's a waste of emotional energy when what you're trying to do is deal with the part that YOU cannot control, and come to terms with it. People spend a lot of time mourning over things they don't need to, things they can change quickly and easily, and by the time they get to this core, they're exhausted, feeling helpless and beaten and as a result, never deal with the core issue properly. I guess in my mind it's a way of getting to that point as fresh and able to COMPLETELY deal with it as possible. I hope that makes sense! When I was studying psychology I could see all these theories so clearly in my mind, but articulating them was always tricky! That's why I went into psychophysics, not therapy!
Author mm4184 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 ahh! this all sounds so uplifting.. but he's been ignoring me since the 1st and i felt something was wrong.. my sister ran into him today and she said he's mad at me about something i did AGAIN supposedly and that he's DONE. to some people, that's the easy way because then whatever he's mad, move on. BUT i'm the kind of person who can't sit still when i know someone's angry with me, especially about something i DON'T EVEN KNOW I DID! we got in a fight november bc he found out i was snooping but we made up.. i think he thinks that i am again but really, i saw an email ONCE that hurt me.. but i never said anything to him. and he changed all his PWs. i know i shouldn't dwell on this, but i can't help it. my whole plan was to exchange our christmas presents and i was going to tell him i need full NC because i'm hurt he's trying to talk to other girls and i'd rather not hear anything. now it's like backfired on me! last time it took a few days for him to finally talk to me but i'm kind of scared that now he won't even.. he said he gets over things fast which i know he does but i wish i knew what the hell he was mad about! don't i at least deserve to know WHY? it just pisses me off. i want to get over the guy but i can't have this unfinished business. it tears me up because i just want us on good terms so i can just let go without any resentment on both sides... should i ask him to talk for closure? i know most of you will say NC but i can't think straight knowing he's angry with me about who knows what.
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