sdse71 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I really need some advise here. My girlfriend just broke up with me a week ago last Tuesday. I explained everything in another post in the "Breaks and Breaking Up" forum under the topic "Very Difficult Loss". Anyway, I have tried giving her some space since then. I wouldn't call except maybe every couple of days to see how her Christmas went or see how she was doing. She also did the same with me. I thought space was what she needed most. Anyway, New Years Eve she called asking what I was doing. I told her that I was going to a party, and she told me to have fun. She was going to see a friend's new born grand child. Turns out that night she called at midnight to tell me Happy New Year. She left a voice mail because I didn't have a phone signal at the time. Anyway, she sounded either tired or down. I really couldn't tell and didn't want to read too much into that. I called her back around 10 that morning to tell her Happy New Year, but she still didn't sound quite right. Then later that afternoon the most unexpected thing happened. She called me (sounding like her old happy self) and asked me if I wanted to go do something with her this Saturday night. I told her that I would love to. So, now, I'm trying to figure out what this is about. When she broke up with me she said we could still date, but I was thinking she may have been saying that to soften the blow. Plus, on Christmas, I asked to take her to see a movie that was coming out in Feb, but all she said was "We'll see". So, her asking me out for Sat. was a complete surprise, but I'm confused about what to make of it and what it really means if anything. I never thought she would be the one to ask me to go out and do anything. Also, could this be that she maybe wanting to reconcile? On one hand, I almost don't see coming to me about reconciling (but I didn't think she would be the one to ask me out either), but on the other hand, I also don't see her asking me out for Sat if it doesn't mean anything because of the break up being so fresh and she knows how I much I love her. It could send the wrong signals, and I don't see her doing anything that could give me false hope at this point. I know that when we go out, I'm just going to be my old self and have fun. Let her see the side of me that she fell in love with. I was also thinking that right now if there is going to be any talk about reconciling that I should let her be the one to bring it up. The last thing I want is to push her away now that I have my foot in the door. I would appreciate any advise/guidance as to what her asking me out could mean and anything else I could do that might help us get back together. I am definitely a little confused.
Eyeofthoth Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I would guess it means that she meant what she said when you broke up: She doesn't want to be exclusive with you anymore, but she still wants to date you. It might mean that she is reconsidering, but it also might mean she is lonely and misses you and just wants to keep you around until she finds something better or gets over the breakup more. If she is the one who broke up with you, then I would absolutely assume that she does not want to get back together and that this is just a casual date and nothing more. I would assume that unless and until she states unequivocally that she wants to get back together. Are you okay with dating her if you are not exclusive and she might be seeing other people?
Author sdse71 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 I am having a difficult time dealing with the possibility of her seeing someone else. I even told her that would be difficult for me. She said there's no one she's interested in and probably won't be anytime soon. Of course, part of the thing that has me curious is that she asked me out so soon. That caught me off guard as much as her asking. When we broke up, I thought she needed space, seemed like she did, and I've tried giving it to her. I'm just real confused now because I do want her back exlusively, and I'm sure she knows it.
Joker77 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Bro, I think you are making it too easy for her. You need to make her work for you otherwise she's going to get bored and you'll be back in the same boat you were in before. Good luck.
Author sdse71 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Bro, I think you are making it too easy for her. You need to make her work for you otherwise she's going to get bored and you'll be back in the same boat you were in before. Good luck. Wouldn't that be considered a game though? I didn't think you should have to make anyone work for anything. Seems a little dishonest when you really love someone.
BikerBeagle Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 *sigh* you have your foot in the 'friendship' door ...at the very best, you have your foot in the "casual date / fallback guy / plan b" door ...definitely not the 'reconciliation' door.
Joker77 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Wouldn't that be considered a game though? I didn't think you should have to make anyone work for anything. Seems a little dishonest when you really love someone. I know this sucks, but sometimes you have to play a game in order to get them back. Take it from someone who has done this before. It doesn't work when you are at her beckon call. She will grow tired of it and it will be done. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to help you out. Just don't be as available as you usually were. Try and be a challenge. Unfortunately, that seems to be what a lot of women want. Plus don't forget....she broke up with you. The ball is basically in her court. Like Biker said, this sounds like a plan b deal with her.
birdie Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I had a chat with male friends about being a 'challenge' a little while ago. it is not about being unavailable or playing games, that's just annoying and any self-respecting woman would laugh or give up. when women say they like a challenge it means we like men that are more complex and interesting and they take more than a week to figure out.
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Wouldn't that be considered a game though? I didn't think you should have to make anyone work for anything. Seems a little dishonest when you really love someone. No, it's known as "self-protection". There is nothing 'fun' about this game. It's designed to stop you having your heart broken yet again, by getting your hopes up so high she can walk on them ten feet in the air. That makes you a doormat. Don't be a foot-wipe.
GoneButNotForgotten Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Geisha is right. For the longest time I refused to play the stupid little games that women play. Well after enough broken hearts, I learned to always ask my sister for the best course of action when dealing with women's games. Hasn't steered me wrong in a while. While I hate having to think of it like that it is part of life. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
Phateless Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 She's stringing you along. She wants to make sure you are still an option so that she feels safe enough to explore others and then decide what to do. You are basically giving her free reign to "comparison shop" you against other guys out there. You need to create some urgency, let her know that if she breaks up with you and thereby gives you permission to move on, you will, and she'll miss out. She's also just trying to make herself feel less guilty. You are getting played.
birdie Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Wouldn't that be considered a game though? I didn't think you should have to make anyone work for anything. Seems a little dishonest when you really love someone. I still think you are right and there is no need for these games. Besides, if this pretend stuff makes you feel uncomfortable, you should find someone that thinks the same way. If your ex prefers men that play unapproachable with her then she is not for you anyway. If you want an honest girl, behave honestly.
Author sdse71 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Btw, she called me last night wanting to know if I wanted to go out with her and some of our friends. I couldn't though because I had my daughter with me. The only thing about being a plan b deal is that it's only been just barely over a week since we broke up and she said there was no one that she was interested in dating right now. But, she did say that she thought we should still have that option. It's just the timing of this that's got me, especially when she seemed like having space was what she wanted most. She seemed like she was really trying to back off and distance herself from me (with the exception of an occassional phone call to see how I was doing) until Thursday when she asked me out for tonight.
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Oh my goodness no, don't do this! Great! She's moved onto the "we're broken up but I'm still keeping you as an option until I find Mr. right" stage!! You have to - absolutely have to - go No Contact! Complete and total cut out1 Otherwise she will bounce you around like a ball on an elastic band and you won't know what she's doing with you except constantly bash-bash-bash-bash-bash-ing your heart.
Author sdse71 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 I see what you are saying. I am guarded for that tonight. I am curious to see what this is all about tonight considering the sudden change she's made in keeping her distance from me and the timing. A friend of mine thinks she may have realised that she made a mistake and may be wanting to reconcile. We really did have something special. I most definitely want her back, and where I am lost on this is that I've never taken anyone back before and didn't care to. I always considered it final and moved on rather quickly no matter who it was that did the breaking up. Something has always been different about her, she broke down every wall that I've always had, she was very affectionate, and she was very good to me.
Joker77 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Btw, she called me last night wanting to know if I wanted to go out with her and some of our friends. I couldn't though because I had my daughter with me. The only thing about being a plan b deal is that it's only been just barely over a week since we broke up and she said there was no one that she was interested in dating right now. But, she did say that she thought we should still have that option. It's just the timing of this that's got me, especially when she seemed like having space was what she wanted most. She seemed like she was really trying to back off and distance herself from me (with the exception of an occassional phone call to see how I was doing) until Thursday when she asked me out for tonight. My ex told me she wasn't interested in dating anyone else either. Thing is, besides a birthday text I got from her a couple weeks ago (I think she only did it because she felt guilty) I haven't heard from her. I honestly believe in my heart she met someone and didn't have the guts to tell me and decided to go out the way she did. I don't believe anyone anymore who says they aren't looking for someone when they break up.
Author sdse71 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Well, we had our date last Saturday. No, she never brought up the subject of reconciliation, no real serious talk, but by her actions, I think there is a good possibility that things maybe getting back on track with us. The best part is that I seemed to be my old self for the first time in forever. We both laughed for most of the night. I was constantly making her laugh just like I use to. She was very very affectionate with me also, and by the time we finished dinner, she even brought up going back to my place later. I wasn't really expecting that one... lol. Later, after we got to my place, we were laying there and I told her that I loved her. She didn't say it back, only kissing me on my chest where she had her head. I didn't expect her to say it though, but considering how well the whole night went, I was curious to see her reaction. I'm sure she's just still being a little guarded. She was also that way in the very beginning, but even then when she didn't say so, everyone could tell we were both in love with each other. That's the same way it was this past Saturday. I really came away feeling like she does still have some deep feelings for me, perhaps even still being very much in love with me. She even called me last night, and again, I had her dying laughing over the phone. As a matter of fact, she has been the one calling me the most lately. I think she has called about 5 times since Wed. compared to me calling her once or twice, which one of those calls I made was to find out when she wanted me to pick her up. She was also talking about us doing things in the future. Such as, in 2 weeks, my band is playing our first show of the year and she said we were going together and she couldn't wait to see me back on stage again. So, anyway, that's pretty much how it went. Quite a turn around considering a week ago she seemed like she just wasn't interested in being around me at all... lol. Would love to hear some feedback and what anyone may read into it.
BCCA Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I'll give you a story. I know that I can hang out with my ex often if I was ok with the fact that we werent getting back together. As long as I never brought up us, or the relationship, and only kissed/touched on her terms. Im sure that I could probably get her to say I love you too if I said it first. Point is, where is that getting you? You dont want to mention anything because I think you know that if you did, she would back off again. I know how hard it is to believe, but some of the sweetest and most wonderful women Ive met turned into complete users after we broke up. My thoughts are, she doesnt have anything else going on. Shes told you as much, "I dont have anyone Im even interested in". What happens when she DOES have someone shes interested in? You find yourself out in the cold, and she wont care. I think women feel alot more guilty then guys do when they end things, and most of the girls I dated tried to go the friendship route when they ended it. I think that its a double bonus for them, they know you dont hate them and youre always within reach if they change their mind. I think what you should do is back off a bit, and make yourself less available. You have a life that youre living without her. Next time she asks you out, put it off until another day and see how she reacts. If she says no problem, then go with it and take it really slowly. If she starts to ask why you cant go on the day she picked, then there is your answer. Dont become a penis in a glass case that she can 'break in case of emergency'. Also, dont feel like you need to not mention anything about you guys and where her head is at. I mean sure, give it a bit, but dont keep going out with her without any direction. I know for a fact that you dont want to share her if she starts going on with other people, and trust me, if you let this go on without figuring out what her agenda is, thats exactly whats going to happen. I would even go as far as to say that I wouldnt contact her anymore. Let her come to you and see what she says, and again, next time dont always be available.
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