FeedingOnFever Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hey all, Here's the pre-amble: Got out of a 3 year relationship and I'm feeling pretty low. I'm progressing better than I thought I'd be, but I know I'm not ready to move on just yet. However, here's the situation: I have this guy friend who is pretty damn great. We have a lot in common, he's funny (big plus: he shares my sense of humor) and he's super easy to talk to. I think he's pretty cute, so I'm not repulsed by him or anything (lol). He used to like me but we've found a pretty good friendship recently. He might still entertain the idea of dating me, but he's being good and not making any moves since I'm fresh out of a breakup. Hell, he might also have started to just see me as a great friend and the feelings might be gone. Either way I'm fine, since like I said, I'm not ready anyhow. But here's the frustration on my part. I am such a ridiculous 20-year old! I was committed to the death to my ex... I literally, honestly, didn't even look at other guys. They just never appealed to me, EVER. I had my ex and I was loyal as hell. Before him, I had only had 2 other crushes. Each of these lasted 3-4 years!! I am very strange compared to my friends, who can develop fun, casual crushes, try dating and see which guys are their "types." But it seems to me that every time I look at a guy, I see him as a whole package: likes, dislikes, viewpoints, physical appearance, sense of humor, scale of masculinity versus femininity, the animals he likes, foods he hates, etc... and if more than a few of these factors are out of touch with mine, I don't want him at all, because I can't see us getting married and having 2.5 kids. ARGH. I REALLY want to have fun, date different people, and have an open mind after I'm through healing over my ex. This guy friend of mine is awesome, really. He's a great, great guy. But I don't predict us lasting forever, so I feel wrong about ever trying to date him. It could be just because my healing process isn't done yet... but when I look to the past, I realize I have always been this way. I'm afraid to open myself to anything that I think won't end perfectly. It's really limiting me, and I hate judging people like that... Has anyone felt this way too? If so, how do you reason to yourself to be less uptight or picky? Not to say I want to date anything that moves, but not having 3-4 year crushes with my ridiculously high expectations for the rest of my life might be kind of nice.
Confusedalways Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I could have written this myself... and I'm your age. I take my crushes SO seriously for such a long period of time and when it's over I have a lull. My friends don't understand it at all. I haven't found a way to change it yet. People keep telling me I can't stand around waiting to be swept off my feet but..who knows. I've always thought I was just more mature, I don't know. I look forward to reading the responses with you because i'm at a loss too!
OpenBook Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I think you're simply putting WAY too much emphasis and importance on your "crushes." It's great that you have high expectations about what you want out of your life! Never give up on that!! But if I were you, I would lose the expectation of perfection. As far as guys go, just go out and have some FUN!! You're 20 years old. You're in the catbird seat. Don't sweat it! Everything has a way of working out. No matter how much (or how little) you worry about it.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Crushes are just that. They come and go. Try to avoid obsessive thought about someone who isn't returning your interest. As for dating people casually, when you haven't moved on, it depends on how you approach it. If the other person is aware you're looking for casual fun and not a relationship, it's not a big deal. It's leading someone on to believe you're ready for a relationship, when you know inside of you that you're not, ends up tragic for both of you.
Touche Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 What I would do with this guy is be totally and completely honest with him. Tell him, you're just not completely healed and that you love his company and would love to hang out with him as friends. That immediately should take the pressure of both of you. After awhile, you'll know whether he's right for you or not. Don't worry about your expectations being too high. Just relax and have a good time with him. Try not to have too many expectations at the beginning other than just enjoying each other's company. Try it and see. I think you'll understand what I mean if you just try that.
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