Phateless Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Moreover, this guy not only has a very tight game, but he is setting an immensely strong frame that she either has to accept it or leave his life forever, either way he won't care. This is exactly why 10% of men lay 90% of women. The guy is probably laying 5 more chicks on the side, while her "nice guy" ex is crying to himself at home. No kidding bros, this is really how it goes down. In a well known female fashion, our threadstarter will try to change this guy and keep him to herself, by when she'll only get hooked even more. It'll be a long time before she realizes it's futile and that her "nice guy" ex is her best shot at settling and getting immense quantities of romance and "true love". Sister, if exclusive and romantic love is what you want, you are chasing the wrong type of man here. I'm sure he can love you in his own way, but it won't be a jealous, monogamous, exclusive, romantic way that bullshix Disney movies portray. Be prepared to be "one of the many", the borg collective. This is true, but inner game is more important for this girl. She has to set a strong frame FOR HERSELF and decide "I can either accept this or I can't," and if she can't, she has to be strong enough to take herself out of the situation. Based on her previous posts, I believe she is strong enough to do it, and not only that, but to learn from her mistakes.
Beautiful Inside Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 wow my bf would be like **** you beotch im out! go b with that other guy! wow you have a calm bf girl! the grass is not always greener on the other side....i hope wutever you decide to do it works out for you.
yeex Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Man, I just read this whole thread in an hour,haha. One thing I noticed is that most of the Op's "progress" and new insights and stuff only came after good interactions with Mr. Friend or whatever the hell his name is at this point. I have a feeling that she really thought all a long that she was going to get him in the end and that made her accept everything he said and did. And it made her feel good about everything. Now the reality is dawning on her that she is not going to get him. I bet her posts are now going to get darker and darker again and all that "progress" goes out the window and she is going to want to contact her ex again. I am not trying to be mean or anything. It is just the pattern that I noticed. Good luck to you though. More power to you. You can let this experience make you a stronger person.
Surfer Dude Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Man, I just read this whole thread in an hour,haha. One thing I noticed is that most of the Op's "progress" and new insights and stuff only came after good interactions with Mr. Friend or whatever the hell his name is at this point. I have a feeling that she really thought all a long that she was going to get him in the end and that made her accept everything he said and did. And it made her feel good about everything. Now the reality is dawning on her that she is not going to get him. I bet her posts are now going to get darker and darker again and all that "progress" goes out the window and she is going to want to contact her ex again. I am not trying to be mean or anything. It is just the pattern that I noticed. Good luck to you though. More power to you. You can let this experience make you a stronger person. This is her first contact with a player. Many girls dump their boyfriends for players and later realize they can't keep them. Even though players were communicating (or subcommunicating) from the very beginning that they are not interested in monogamous, monoamorous relationships, many of these women will keep pushing for relationships and when they realize it's futile and that they can't keep them for themselves - they will claim they got played. The guy is just being totally honest and it seems to me that their ideas of love are completely incompatible.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 I know EXACTLY what I want and I think I found it last night!!!!! I want committed friends and a committed relationship. I'm on track for both!!!! I have been going to this religious group and have been becoming friends with this really cool girl. I went to the group last night and my friend was there and so was this amazing guy. Let's call him Mr. Right. My friend actually has known Mr. Right for about six months and told me that he is a sweetheart. Mr. Right and I totally hit it off right from the beginning; he is my age and we agree on so many things (including all the important ones) and our energies matched nicely (we were both totally hyper!). So my friend decided to play the matchmaker and set us up! She invited us both to hang out after the group and I had the most amazing time!!! This guy is a total keeper: he wants a committed relationship and he is even holding on to his virginity until he finds the right woman. I am so glad that I had that experience with Mr. Friend and was open to meeting "nice" guys because I think I might have just found my future husband (shh..don't tell).
MindoverMatter Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Have you ever considered reading your own thread and checking the dates and intervalls in which you changed your mind yet again? Oh, so there is a friend, whom you've met before you wrote your sad little post yesterday? But then you didn't mention her. Why? Are you addicted to drama? And now there is a Mr Right? And you've known him when you were still into Mr Crush/Friend/Friend with Benefits/Crush again? Where you into him then? If you do not take the time to actually develop true feelings you will never enter a meaningful relationship. And I am not saying this to make you feel down. But because I hope that you actually will learn a lesson, one lesson at least, from all of this. Because until now, you haven't.
yeex Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Is this thread for real? I am starting to think it is some dude who started this as a joke. Seriously.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Author Posted March 16, 2009 This is a real thread. I am a female.
39388 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Good points. I hate being alone though. This sucks. I would give anything to have one person in the world who loves me, platonic or romantically. At least when I was babysitting, the kids loved me, but now I don't even have time to do that anymore. I am truly making an effort to go out and meet people, and am having a good time doing it, but in the meantime, I have nobody to be there for me. I guess I am one of the only people left on this earth who believes in old fashioned committment and relationships. If someone's house burns down, that person should have a friend who will be there for them, no matter what. I don't believe in this "get through it alone" mentality. I am ready to love someone unconditionally and be there for them through thick and thin, so why are there no takers? Keep making an effort to go out and meet new people, but also keep making the effort to be as happy as possible even when you are alone. It is not easy, but the better you do at each, the happier you will be! I'm a 35 year old male and I have been quite lonely much of my life and so often do I want someone I can just call any time I want. Someone that will always be there for me. I have a few great friends who are very supportive of me, but if I'm feeling a bit down at 2am and it's not an extreme emergency, there is no one to call. That is tough for me. Just as you would, I'd give anything for unconditional love from even one person! I have some hard days and struggle with a lot, but I'm doing much better than when I was 33. You are way ahead of me given that you are much younger. hotdancer, you have gone though something tough, but remember there are all types of people in this world. I really think you will find more and more really good people and everyually a truly great person! I have a lot of time at my age, so you have even more time at your age. You have made a lot of progress in a couple of months. There will be bumps in the road, sometimes really big ones, but just keep trying and many great things will happen for you.
39388 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 I know EXACTLY what I want and I think I found it last night!!!!! I want committed friends and a committed relationship. I'm on track for both!!!! I have been going to this religious group and have been becoming friends with this really cool girl. I went to the group last night and my friend was there and so was this amazing guy. Let's call him Mr. Right. My friend actually has known Mr. Right for about six months and told me that he is a sweetheart. Mr. Right and I totally hit it off right from the beginning; he is my age and we agree on so many things (including all the important ones) and our energies matched nicely (we were both totally hyper!). So my friend decided to play the matchmaker and set us up! She invited us both to hang out after the group and I had the most amazing time!!! This guy is a total keeper: he wants a committed relationship and he is even holding on to his virginity until he finds the right woman. I am so glad that I had that experience with Mr. Friend and was open to meeting "nice" guys because I think I might have just found my future husband (shh..don't tell). That is great! Just be careful in calling him Mr. Right too soon. Don't get your hopes up too high too quickly or you could risk a big letdown. He ceratinly could end up being the one, but there is no way to really know until you have known him for quite awhile. I'm confident you will find Mr. Right, whether this is the one or you have to go through 50 more to find the one. There are many great guys out there. Of couurse I'd be so happy if this ends of being the one Good luck!!!
39388 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Don't listen to all these people criticizing you, they're just trying to retaliate against their own past experiences through you. hotdancer You can apply this to your real life. Every time Phateless posts, he gives useful advice. On the other hand, a few of the posts by others in theis thread seem completely useless or worse. In real life, you have people who are really helpful, but you also have some people who are pains in the neck in so many different ways. You might get unlucky and see 15 pains in the neck in a row, but keep the hope that number 16 will be better!
MindoverMatter Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 I am sorry, but life is not a fairy tale. People who take the time to give a realistic perspective are not mean, or wrong or useless (thanks very much). If you want to be successful in any field (dating or career) you better start looking at the bigger picture, observing from different points of view. How far have you come in fulfilling your own personal goals, 39388? Nobody was being mean. The OP got in a situation that made her unhappy, which she could have avoided had she looked at the pattern of her past decisions. She can avoid getting hurt and disappointed again if she learns a lesson from the past. If she doesn't, it will happen again and again. You're an enabler. Have fun with that.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 That's what I was going to say Mind, she seems like a hopeless romantic who doesn't really take a step back to look at what's on the plate, she just attacks it like a glutton/fiend.
Phateless Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 I am sorry, but life is not a fairy tale. People who take the time to give a realistic perspective are not mean, or wrong or useless (thanks very much). If you want to be successful in any field (dating or career) you better start looking at the bigger picture, observing from different points of view. How far have you come in fulfilling your own personal goals, 39388? Nobody was being mean. The OP got in a situation that made her unhappy, which she could have avoided had she looked at the pattern of her past decisions. She can avoid getting hurt and disappointed again if she learns a lesson from the past. If she doesn't, it will happen again and again. You're an enabler. Have fun with that. There's a difference between constructive criticism and vindictive criticism. Some of the posts have good advice despite the fact that they are written in anger, but some of them are simply scapegoating and venting their frustrations with their own lives. This is just not helpful. If someone has a valid point and good advice, they shouldn't need anger and criticism to support that. There's a quote, I forget how it goes... "a raised voice indicates a weak argument." If you have to yell and abuse to get your point across, you're only ruining your own credibility.
MindoverMatter Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 phateless: Who yelled and abused? If you're talking about me, then sorry, but neither is my voice raised nor do I feel any anger. If anything I pity the OP and remember my early teenage years, where I behaved in a very similar fashion. This is why I am interested in this thread. mr dream merchant: Thanks. I fear that a more serious approach is not what people on this thread are looking for. Sadly, I believe that the enabling won't help anybody. But I see that I have stated that before. So maybe I should shut up and let things take their course.
39388 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 I am sorry, but life is not a fairy tale. People who take the time to give a realistic perspective are not mean, or wrong or useless (thanks very much). The OP got in a situation that made her unhappy, which she could have avoided had she looked at the pattern of her past decisions. You're an enabler. Have fun with that. Your criticsm was NOT constructive. The OP made a big mistake a couple months ago and suffered consequences for it. She is doing much better now and I feel it is perfectly appropriate to be encouraging to her. Calling me an enabler is ridiculous. The main purpose of this board is to help others. How far have you come in fulfilling your own personal goals, 39388? MindoverMatter This thread is about hotdancer2009. Please ask about me in my thread. I do have one. Yes I did bring myself up, but the purpose of doing so was to be encouraging to the OP.
Phateless Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 phateless: Who yelled and abused? If you're talking about me, then sorry, but neither is my voice raised nor do I feel any anger. If anything I pity the OP and remember my early teenage years, where I behaved in a very similar fashion. This is why I am interested in this thread. mr dream merchant: Thanks. I fear that a more serious approach is not what people on this thread are looking for. Sadly, I believe that the enabling won't help anybody. But I see that I have stated that before. So maybe I should shut up and let things take their course. Let me rephrase - mocking, condescending, acting superior, whatever it may be. Your point about people telling her what she wants to hear is well taken, and I agree that there is an element of that going on here. But I would also state that encouragement where due is very important to success. We welcome everyone's advice and perspective but ask that it be presented as such. Simply telling someone that they screwed up and shouldn't try again isn't helpful. Your message is clear and you make valid points, however it's harder for everyone to accept your point when it's shrouded in sarcasm and hostility. I suggest re-reading your own posts to see where I'm drawing this conclusion from. I think you see where I'm going with this. Anyway...... back to the thread.
39388 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Let me rephrase - mocking, condescending, acting superior, whatever it may be. Your point about people telling her what she wants to hear is well taken, and I agree that there is an element of that going on here. But I would also state that encouragement where due is very important to success. Anyway...... back to the thread. Well said! The tone is often just as important as the advice when dealing with relationships.
Phateless Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Well said! The tone is often just as important as the advice when dealing with relationships. Thanks. My gf is always sarcastic and it irritates even if she doesn't mean anything by it. Why make the process more stressful than it needs to be?
elaina Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I know EXACTLY what I want and I think I found it last night!!!!! I want committed friends and a committed relationship. I'm on track for both!!!! I have been going to this religious group and have been becoming friends with this really cool girl. I went to the group last night and my friend was there and so was this amazing guy. Let's call him Mr. Right. My friend actually has known Mr. Right for about six months and told me that he is a sweetheart. Mr. Right and I totally hit it off right from the beginning; he is my age and we agree on so many things (including all the important ones) and our energies matched nicely (we were both totally hyper!). So my friend decided to play the matchmaker and set us up! She invited us both to hang out after the group and I had the most amazing time!!! This guy is a total keeper: he wants a committed relationship and he is even holding on to his virginity until he finds the right woman. I am so glad that I had that experience with Mr. Friend and was open to meeting "nice" guys because I think I might have just found my future husband (shh..don't tell). Hotdancer, you remind me so much of my sister! She is very hyper and loving and energetic and dreamy and clueless and emotional and silly and funny and quick and interesting and the list goes on! I am glad that you are going to these faith-based (religous) meetings!!! Keep it up! Please be very careful with this guy that you think might be your future husband though, k? Please hold on to your heart until he has shown you that he loves with more than just a sexual type love, and please do not even "accidentally" seduce him lol. You seem the type that this is a possibilty. I bet you are a very sensual person and that's great, but wait! If this guy is the one for you, and if the reason he is still a virgin is because he wants to honor God by obeying God's commands for sexual purity, then you could hurt him a lot unless you have the strength to say no when tempation comes. If he does like you and if you both do want a future together that is not full of guilt and problems in that sense, then make sure that you make boundaries, k? And keep them! Guys do not keep boundaries very well, believe me. The guy (in the sense of boundaries)is only as strong as his respect for the girl he loves and his determination to do what he believes is right. So please focus on friendship with this guy. Have fun with no sexual contact and have fun making friends in the religous group with the other people too, including girls! You're doing great!!!
Author hotdancer2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 "Hotdancer, you remind me so much of my sister! She is very hyper and loving and energetic and dreamy and clueless and emotional and silly and funny and quick and interesting and the list goes on! Maybe I am your sister...j/k! Thanks for the compliments! I am glad that you are going to these faith-based (religous) meetings!!! Keep it up! Please be very careful with this guy that you think might be your future husband though, k? Please hold on to your heart until he has shown you that he loves with more than just a sexual type love, and please do not even "accidentally" seduce him lol. You seem the type that this is a possibilty. I bet you are a very sensual person and that's great, but wait! If this guy is the one for you, and if the reason he is still a virgin is because he wants to honor God by obeying God's commands for sexual purity, then you could hurt him a lot unless you have the strength to say no when tempation comes. Yes, yes, I couldn't agree more. Believe me, this guy is worth waiting for. I am indeed very sensual, but I also very much like cuddling and I have a lot of will power. Waiting two months with Mr. Friend took a lot of will power, because he was all over me, and it only happened after I had a small amount of alcohol in a dessert. I didn't think that small amount would push me over the line, but it did and he took advantage. Another lesson learned! If he does like you and if you both do want a future together that is not full of guilt and problems in that sense, then make sure that you make boundaries, k? And keep them! Guys do not keep boundaries very well, believe me. The guy (in the sense of boundaries)is only as strong as his respect for the girl he loves and his determination to do what he believes is right. So please focus on friendship with this guy. Have fun with no sexual contact and have fun making friends in the religous group with the other people too, including girls! Yes, I like the part about focusing on friendship. The great thing about Mr. Right is that I can see potential for long term friendship, even if the romantic thing doesn't work out. I really enjoyed just being with him...dancing with him, being silly, singing to the radio, talking on the phone for hours, etc. and my fantasies at the moment involve going out and doing activities with him (okay, and a little innocent cuddling while watching a movie). We will definitely set boundaries and respect them. I value his decision, and in some ways I wish that I had waited for the right person too. I do believe deep down that making love should be just that: it should be with someone you truly love. You're doing great!!!" Thank you! Also, the reason that I am calling him "Mr. Right" is just for ease of nicknaming. I am not going to get my hopes up about a romantic future with him, though there is that possibility since we want the same things. I am focusing on the present. I am glad that we met, we had a great time together, and I look forward to more great times with him. It's refreshing to be able to relax and enjoy time with a guy who is not sexually agressive for once! Whatever is meant to happen between us shall happen.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I am sorry, but life is not a fairy tale. People who take the time to give a realistic perspective are not mean, or wrong or useless (thanks very much). If you want to be successful in any field (dating or career) you better start looking at the bigger picture, observing from different points of view. How far have you come in fulfilling your own personal goals, 39388? Nobody was being mean. The OP got in a situation that made her unhappy, which she could have avoided had she looked at the pattern of her past decisions. She can avoid getting hurt and disappointed again if she learns a lesson from the past. If she doesn't, it will happen again and again. You're an enabler. Have fun with that. Here is the problem. Nobody is saying that her happiness isn't tantamount. The problem was she was stringing someone else along because she couldn't make up her mind. Yes, make yourself happy, but don't screw someone over in the process.
MindoverMatter Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 While I agree with this, Dexter, the thread moved on from this situation and the OP had ended the relationship to the ex before she got fully involved with Mr Ex-Crush. Although she had a relapse in judgement and wanted to get the ex back, she never (afaik) contacted him again. So, there is no need to comment on that anymore. The pattern that led to this situation in the first place seems to be similar to the one the OP has been showing since then. However, as my remarks and opinions are labeled wrong and offensive and the OP choses to ignore it, I will refrain from trying to help her. *wanders_off*
Dexter Morgan Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 While I agree with this, Dexter, the thread moved on from this situation and the OP had ended the relationship to the ex before she got fully involved with Mr Ex-Crush. I know. But people seem to still be hung up on what was said to her before she ended the R with the X.
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