Phateless Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Thank you 39388 and fishtaco for the support. Not everyone hangs out on online forums to provide positive support to others. I appreciate it! I sure have done a lot of growing in the last month, and I see a bright future. I have learned a very important lesson, which is that I have power. I have power over every decision that I make, big or small. I can choose to date or not to date. I can choose to let go of unhealthy relationships and to nurture healthy ones. I can choose to be courageous in difficult moments. If I ever feel weak, I know that all I need to do is make a good decision..a decision true to my heart, and in that decision there is power. I know that I can trust myself to make good decisions (and to learn from the bad ones). I know that the best decisions in life are often the hardest to make. I learned that by taking a leap of faith, even just a tiny leap, then I can be my own role model. I can surprise myself and impress myself. No matter what happens, I have the steering wheel in my life and it is my responsibility to take the wheel and drive. I might as well choose the scenic route that makes me happy! Thanks again guys! It's really nice being able to share this whole process. Wow. Just wow... The change in you is so dramatic, it's inspiring. This kind of change in me took about a year after I got out of my last relationship. You have made leaps and bounds. I'm not going to lie to you, there will be times when it will get really hard, but keep your head up and remember what you have taught yourself. We're all proud of you.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 Just wanted to post an update. Things are going very well with Mr. Friend and I. We enjoy hanging out (and making out ), without any drama. It's actually quite the perfect relationship for this transitionary point in my life. He is such a joy to be with and is very inspiring. He has helped me to grow and learn about myself. At some point down the road, maybe we will be more than friends. Right now though, we are enjoying the journey. Sometimes I think that labels (like bf/gf) are bad because they shift your focus away from the present and into the future. We care about each other and we enjoy our time together, and that is all that matters. The fact that he is seeing other people...well, if I IMAGINE him sleeping with his other girls, it's a little disturbing...but overall it is a small price to pay for a drama free relationship, and for freedom.
39388 Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 You seem to be doing really well hotdancer2009! Keep getting happiness from Mr. Friend, but also get some from yourself.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 I slept with Mr. Friend last weekend, which was amazing and which I don't regret. I then attended a dating workshop on Thursday, and did a lot of thinking about what I want in a relationship. I came to the conclusion that I do want an exclusive, committed relationship. I also thought about Mr. Friend, and about how strong my feelings are for him. I know he has feelings for me too. I told Mr. Friend last night that he needs to choose between me and multi-dating. I feel really good knowing that I made the right decision. He took it really well! He said "that makes a lot of sense" and that he needs time to think about it. We have agreed to remain friends, and to hang out in public places where we won't be tempted to strip each other naked . If he chooses me, that is awesome. If he doesn't then that is his loss, because I am prepared to love him in every way I know how. I am going to date other men and try to find one who is ready to commit. Do I get 20 stars for this one, or what?
MN randomguy Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I slept with Mr. Friend last weekend, which was amazing and which I don't regret. I then attended a dating workshop on Thursday, and did a lot of thinking about what I want in a relationship. I came to the conclusion that I do want an exclusive, committed relationship. I also thought about Mr. Friend, and about how strong my feelings are for him. I know he has feelings for me too. I told Mr. Friend last night that he needs to choose between me and multi-dating. I feel really good knowing that I made the right decision. He took it really well! He said "that makes a lot of sense" and that he needs time to think about it. We have agreed to remain friends, and to hang out in public places where we won't be tempted to strip each other naked . If he chooses me, that is awesome. If he doesn't then that is his loss, because I am prepared to love him in every way I know how. I am going to date other men and try to find one who is ready to commit. Do I get 20 stars for this one, or what? I Bolded and underlined the parts I have problems with. I have underlined what I think you're doing right. 1. If he had such strong feelings for you he would not want to multi-date. 2. If you're so co-dependent on him that you're willing to "love him in every way I know how" how is that different than if you'd replaced that phrase with, "I take whatever I can get" As far as what you're doing right, I think getting outside input into the situation is incredibly healthy. I've never heard of a dating workshop, but I might research it. A couple of posts back you mentioned being your own role model. This makes no sense to me as all you can really teach yourself is stuff that you already know. The whole, we're going to be friends and just be make-out buddies doesn't make any sense to me either. I think you are wise to stay in public and not tempt yourself to have sex with him. Know how much temptation you can tolerate and don't go there. Another thing you might want to think about is how is your relationship with other people in your life. I haven't heard about this girl that was your friend. Homework before I award any stars: Call your Girlfriend, ask her how she is doing, listen to her problems without making it about you, and maybe get together and do something she would enjoy. Bonus points for, 1. Bringing other mutual acquaintances/potential girls into the mix. Work towards having a network of friends to turn to. 2. Giving your friend a hug. Now, you're not so dependent on whatever man may or may not want to date you for all of your human contact needs.
39388 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I slept with Mr. Friend last weekend, which was amazing and which I don't regret. I then attended a dating workshop on Thursday, and did a lot of thinking about what I want in a relationship. I came to the conclusion that I do want an exclusive, committed relationship. I also thought about Mr. Friend, and about how strong my feelings are for him. I know he has feelings for me too. I told Mr. Friend last night that he needs to choose between me and multi-dating. I feel really good knowing that I made the right decision. He took it really well! He said "that makes a lot of sense" and that he needs time to think about it. We have agreed to remain friends, and to hang out in public places where we won't be tempted to strip each other naked . If he chooses me, that is awesome. If he doesn't then that is his loss, because I am prepared to love him in every way I know how. I am going to date other men and try to find one who is ready to commit. Do I get 20 stars for this one, or what? That is good! There is no rush at your age, so make sure whoever you end up with you are happy with. The more happiness you get from yourself, without having to depend on others, the more stars. I need to work on this too (so I can get some stars)
Phateless Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I slept with Mr. Friend last weekend, which was amazing and which I don't regret. I then attended a dating workshop on Thursday, and did a lot of thinking about what I want in a relationship. I came to the conclusion that I do want an exclusive, committed relationship. I also thought about Mr. Friend, and about how strong my feelings are for him. I know he has feelings for me too. I told Mr. Friend last night that he needs to choose between me and multi-dating. I feel really good knowing that I made the right decision. He took it really well! He said "that makes a lot of sense" and that he needs time to think about it. We have agreed to remain friends, and to hang out in public places where we won't be tempted to strip each other naked . If he chooses me, that is awesome. If he doesn't then that is his loss, because I am prepared to love him in every way I know how. I am going to date other men and try to find one who is ready to commit. Do I get 20 stars for this one, or what? This is definite and solid progress. It's amazing what happens when you commit to deciding what your philosophy is and then sticking to it. Keep us posted.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 For the record, I am making an effort to create and strengthen friendships, because I know that will make me happier. I am staying with my sister for a few days (I'm at her place now) and the visit is going very well. We used to not get along, but now we are friends. I am even looking at grad schools near her. I am also attending a religious dating workshop series (it's free! :-) ) and am meeting some potential girl friends there. I am also doing volunteer work in exchange for physical therapy, and am diligently doing my exercise program so that when I am better I can do the things I enjoy like hiking and dancing and rock climbing. I am determined to not let the fact that I am a starving student stop me and to find a way to do these things for free or low cost. Now the next thing is for me to ask the gay personal trainer at my gym if he wants to hang out; that way I can get a hug buddy! So skeptics: now can I get my gold stars? I think I get at least 20 :-)
39388 Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 For the record, I am making an effort to create and strengthen friendships, because I know that will make me happier. I am staying with my sister for a few days (I'm at her place now) and the visit is going very well. We used to not get along, but now we are friends. I am even looking at grad schools near her. I am also attending a religious dating workshop series (it's free! :-) ) and am meeting some potential girl friends there. I am also doing volunteer work in exchange for physical therapy, and am diligently doing my exercise program so that when I am better I can do the things I enjoy like hiking and dancing and rock climbing. I am determined to not let the fact that I am a starving student stop me and to find a way to do these things for free or low cost. Now the next thing is for me to ask the gay personal trainer at my gym if he wants to hang out; that way I can get a hug buddy! So skeptics: now can I get my gold stars? I think I get at least 20 :-) Your progress in just a couple of months is amazing! There are so many new positive things going on in your life. You get 20 stars! The below stars are made of gold! ***** ***** ***** ***** The 20 stars is in addition to the most important reward, day to day happiness for you
MN randomguy Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 For the record, I am making an effort to create and strengthen friendships, because I know that will make me happier. I am staying with my sister for a few days (I'm at her place now) and the visit is going very well. We used to not get along, but now we are friends. I am even looking at grad schools near her. I am also attending a religious dating workshop series (it's free! :-) ) and am meeting some potential girl friends there. I am also doing volunteer work in exchange for physical therapy, and am diligently doing my exercise program so that when I am better I can do the things I enjoy like hiking and dancing and rock climbing. I am determined to not let the fact that I am a starving student stop me and to find a way to do these things for free or low cost. Now the next thing is for me to ask the gay personal trainer at my gym if he wants to hang out; that way I can get a hug buddy! So skeptics: now can I get my gold stars? I think I get at least 20 :-) Sounds wonderful. I'll give you the gold stars. Take 100. However, They're like the points on Drew Cary's T.V. Show, Whose Line is it Anyway. They don't mean anything. Great to see you intentionally growing.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 Mr. Friend decided that he doesn't want a relationship with me. One thing that I have learned from this is to make it clear EARLY on in a relationship that I am looking for a committed relationship and to find out if the man is looking for that too. I just don't understand...how can he be so loving and caring, and invest so much of himself in me, and yet not want a relationship? I have never felt so happy and loved before. Where does he get the energy to invest himself like that in so many women simultaneously? I only have love for one man at a time. Somebody please explain.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Mr. Friend decided that he doesn't want a relationship with me. One thing that I have learned from this is to make it clear EARLY on in a relationship that I am looking for a committed relationship and to find out if the man is looking for that too. I just don't understand...how can he be so loving and caring, and invest so much of himself in me, and yet not want a relationship? I have never felt so happy and loved before. Where does he get the energy to invest himself like that in so many women simultaneously? I only have love for one man at a time. Somebody please explain. Didn't you cheat on your ex with this guy? How is that loving one man at a time? Does he know you cheated on your ex with him? Maybe he can sense the unfaithfulness about you. Who knows it could be a number of things. Karma, he's not that into you, maybe he has a chick on the side and is playing you like you did your boyfriend, who knows....
MindoverMatter Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Meh. She dated him while she was with her ex. She then told him no dating, then changed her mind to dating, then said that she didn't want a relationship just a friend to hug, then they had sex but that was okay too, then she wanted a relationship. At the same time he told her that he was seeing multiple people from the very beginning. Yes. I agree with you, hotdancer, that you should know and communicate what you want before you start ANY kind of relationship. A lesson learned.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 I did not cheat on my ex. I broke up with him the day before Mr. Friend and I had our first date. I never had feelings for both guys simultaneously. I was committed to Ex, then committed to Mr. Friend. This is why I don't understand.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I did not cheat on my ex. I broke up with him the day before Mr. Friend and I had our first date. I never had feelings for both guys simultaneously. I was committed to Ex, then committed to Mr. Friend. This is why I don't understand. Lol. I'm glad you're without both of them to be honest. Less strain for the three of you.
MindoverMatter Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 hotdancer: He told you he was seeing other girls, right? He never changed his mind on that. You thought he would, but he didn't. It's a lesson, never fall for the potential of a relationship. You can't change anybody, but yourself. Next time say what you need (and be honest about it to yourself and the other person) and LISTEN to their response. If it doesn't add up, walk away.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 Good points. I hate being alone though. This sucks. I would give anything to have one person in the world who loves me, platonic or romantically. At least when I was babysitting, the kids loved me, but now I don't even have time to do that anymore. I am truly making an effort to go out and meet people, and am having a good time doing it, but in the meantime, I have nobody to be there for me. I guess I am one of the only people left on this earth who believes in old fashioned committment and relationships. If someone's house burns down, that person should have a friend who will be there for them, no matter what. I don't believe in this "get through it alone" mentality. I am ready to love someone unconditionally and be there for them through thick and thin, so why are there no takers?
Surfer Dude Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I just don't understand...how can he be so loving and caring, and invest so much of himself in me, and yet not want a relationship? I have never felt so happy and loved before. Where does he get the energy to invest himself like that in so many women simultaneously? I only have love for one man at a time. Somebody please explain. Welcome to the world of players. Nearly all of them have multiple long term relationships, are totally polyamorous and all of their women know about other women, and yet don't complain and leave. Why you ask? For the same reason you're not gonna leave him, because they are a too good deal to pass and because you won't settle for most "normal" guys. Normal guys are boring and too nice, aren't they? Just like your ex.
MindoverMatter Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 There are people in your life who could provide you with platonic, but sincere love. You have a father. You have a sister. You have mentioned one friend. Try to repair, and deepen the relationship to those people. Another possibility (don't laugh) would be to help out at the animal shelter once in a while. It will make you feel better about yourself, and the animals will love you for it.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 "There are people in your life who could provide you with platonic, but sincere love. You have a father. You have a sister. You have mentioned one friend. Try to repair, and deepen the relationship to those people. Another possibility (don't laugh) would be to help out at the animal shelter once in a while. It will make you feel better about yourself, and the animals will love you for it. " I HAVE been trying and nothing is working. I emailed and left a voicemail for my so-called "friend": no response. I took a weekend trip to visit my sister: she was nice the first day but then became hostile, which is pretty typical of her. My relationship with my father is so completely messed up and is so far from love. I am taking steps to improve it, but he is definitely not someone I can go to for support. I have nobody to go to for support so I go here. As far as working at an animal shelter, I am 100% sure that would not make me feel better. If anything, working with children would but I don't have time for that. I need straight As and a 1200 on the GRE to get into grad school. The only thing I can think of to do is to go out and meet new people, but it's a heck of a long road from stranger to loving friend. In the meantime, I am screwed, unless someone has any ideas?
fishtaco Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I thought you just wanted to play around with Mr. Friend? You changed your mind and now you want a commitment? Anyway Mr. Friend didn't do anything wrong. He was clear that he was dating other women from day one. Surfer dude has it right. Mr. Friend is more attractive because he knows the game. Your ex was boring because, well, he doesn't know the game. But I disagree that Mr. Friend is a player. He's simply a multi-dater, and it just so happened that he didn't chose you. If he were a player he would have pretended to commit to you in order to get in your pants. He never did that. This is simply how dating works for men that have high dating value. If you want him, there will be other women that want him too, and he gets to choose. Anyway, I'm sure your ex felt the same thing you are right now. He was obviously willing to commit to you, and you invested in him too. So why all of a sudden you wanted to date Mr. Friend? That comes with the territory when you don't get what you want. I know a lot of people said good job etc. But I still see you the same way as when the thread started. You don't know what you want. First you can't decide between Mr. Ex and Mr. Crush. Then Mr. Crush became Mr. Date. Then Mr. Date became Mr. Friend. Then Mr. Friend became Mr. Friend With Benefits. Then you want a commitment from Mr. Friend With Benefits. Like I said before, you did the right thing by not cheating on your ex. Good job. Doormats are destined to lose, so that's his own fault, not yours. But after Mr. Ex was out of the picture, your inability to know what you want is leading you running around in circles. You need to figure that out, or this scenario will keep playing over and over again.
MindoverMatter Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Relationships that are worthwile, deep and last for years or even a lifetime don't come quickly. It needs time, work and honesty. If you're looking for quick satisfaction, dating and short term relationships are what you will get.
Phateless Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 HotDancer - honestly, he was investing because he wanted sex. It's tough, you have to qualify people ahead of time. You know about yourself that you're not into casual dating, and that you don't want to have sex unless it's in a relationship. Just do a better job of screening next time, no big deal. Before you sleep with a guy (not right before, but on an early date) ask him about past relationships, etc, and ask him what his goal is right now with dating. He'll tell you that he wants to meet new people, he'll tell you that he ultimately wants a LTR, whatever. You'll tell him "i'm enjoying my independence right now, but I ultimately want a relationship with the right person. No hurry, but I know myself and that I'm not really into the casual thing." This way, you'll find out if you two are compatible. If he's just having fun and you're looking for something serious, no matter how much you like each other, odds are that you'll get hurt. The one mistake I think you made is that you knew from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship and you told him you were ok with that. When you decided to have sex with him, YOU ASSUMED he would come around and want a relationship too. That's on you. HE ASSUMED you had decided you were ok with having sex with no relationship. Does this all make sense? Don't listen to all these people criticizing you, they're just trying to retaliate against their own past experiences through you.
Surfer Dude Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Moreover, this guy not only has a very tight game, but he is setting an immensely strong frame that she either has to accept it or leave his life forever, either way he won't care. This is exactly why 10% of men lay 90% of women. The guy is probably laying 5 more chicks on the side, while her "nice guy" ex is crying to himself at home. No kidding bros, this is really how it goes down. In a well known female fashion, our threadstarter will try to change this guy and keep him to herself, by when she'll only get hooked even more. It'll be a long time before she realizes it's futile and that her "nice guy" ex is her best shot at settling and getting immense quantities of romance and "true love". Sister, if exclusive and romantic love is what you want, you are chasing the wrong type of man here. I'm sure he can love you in his own way, but it won't be a jealous, monogamous, exclusive, romantic way that bullshix Disney movies portray. Be prepared to be "one of the many", the borg collective.
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