39388 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Help! I think I scared off Mr. Crush and I'm soooooo desperately lonely. I don't know what to do. :-( The time in between sessions with my counselor is so lonely and unbearable. I wish I could feel like I was a part of something. Superficial conversation in groups does nothing for me; I need real one-on-one intimacy. I don't understand how other people do it. How can you drag yourself through tough workweek after tough workweek with no real human interaction to look forward to? Please advise. Being alone is tough and I have been alone for many many years. Do things you enjoy and get out and try and make friends! Some will likely be good friends, while others more superficial. Try new things and find new hobbies too. You mentioned the meet up dot com website to me. That is a great site for you too. You should try to find people with common interests. Based on your posts here, you are definitely capable. When you sit at home all day, that lonely feeling gets to you so much. Have confidence in yourself too. It is a daily struggle for me, but I am so much happeier when I am. Don't let negative thoughts enter your head and ignore the negative posts on here. Also, learn from your mistakes, but don't punish yourself so much over them. Everybody makes mistakes, but people also have good qualities. Concentrate on your good qualities, which I'm sure you have thousands. If you can do the above, it will help you find great friends and more dates for more of the one on one time. I am not saying any of this is easy, but you can do it! When times are tough it seems like they will last forever, but things do get better. I've been through so many ups and downs. I was down several weeks in a row, really down, but now I've had a few good days. Allow yourself to have the good days! You deserve them.
Phateless Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Help! I think I scared off Mr. Crush and I'm soooooo desperately lonely. I don't know what to do. :-( The time in between sessions with my counselor is so lonely and unbearable. I wish I could feel like I was a part of something. Superficial conversation in groups does nothing for me; I need real one-on-one intimacy. I don't understand how other people do it. How can you drag yourself through tough workweek after tough workweek with no real human interaction to look forward to? Please advise. THIS is where the real self improvement happens! Right now is your opportunity to learn how to be ok with yourself being alone, so that when you find a connection, it's not because you desperately need it, but because you want it for the right reasons. Take this as your chance to prove to yourself that you are stronger than this. I remember going through this when i broke up with my ex, and finding myself going for a run at 11:00 at night because my mind racing became so unbearable. You feeling this way now is proof that this time alone is exactly what you need. You need to learn how to accept yourself being alone, and how to be self sufficient mentally and emotionally. Once you have achieved that, your next relationship will soar to new heights you have only dreamed of. After you get over this initial panic and become used to being alone, you might find that you like it better for a while! You will enjoy the freedom and space and independence. Good luck girlie! This is the very hardest part of it all, and also the most important and beneficial of all.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Help! I think I scared off Mr. Crush and I'm soooooo desperately lonely. I don't know what to do. If you can't be alone, go out and date around. The time in between sessions with my counselor is so lonely and unbearable. I wish I could feel like I was a part of something. Superficial conversation in groups does nothing for me; I need real one-on-one intimacy. I don't understand how other people do it. How can you drag yourself through tough workweek after tough workweek with no real human interaction to look forward to? Please advise. Well, you had that with your X and you threw it away. Do you have no friends to go out with?
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Dexter, cut it out. Personal attacks are not cool. Phateless and 39388, I think it is interesting that you differ so much on this topic. 39388 seems to think that I should go out and socialize, whereas Phateless seems to think I should focus on being okay alone. I think what scares me so much about being alone (no friends, no dating), is that when I was alone for two years I got really depressed. I hit an all time low and started sleeping around, and ultimately got raped. I do think that I need some amount of non-superficial personal interaction to be happy. I just can't imagine going on like this and being happy. I could tough it out; there is no limit to how tough I can be, but that doesn't mean that I should. I'm just not really sure what my social and dating goals should be at this point, since I'll probably move in a year. I think what happened with Mr. Crush, is that I was pushing him away because I was afraid of getting too close too fast and/or hurting him. I told him I was busy all the time, and then when we did go out a second time I was nervous. I was nervous because I didn't know how to act; on one hand, I was saying "I believe in friends first" and playing it cool (what I feel that I am "supposed" to be doing given my recent breakup) but the other part of me really wanted to just flirt and be myself and see what could happen. I feel like I just killed something that had potential. I finally called him to try and get an idea of where he was at, and he talked to me on the phone for an hour but I don't know if it was charity. He said to let him know if I wanted to take a break from my studies sometime and meet for coffee. That is what makes me think that I may have overplayed the "I'm busy" line. Not sure if there is anything I can do at this point. I'm going to give him a week or so to see if he contacts me. I just want to feel something, and when I am alone I am so numb and can't feel a darn thing....that is the worst. I'd rather be going off on hot romantic random flings with random guys. At least then there would be something interesting in my life. Everything else in my life is BOOORING.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Dexter, cut it out. Personal attacks are not cool.. What attack? I stated a fact. And I asked if you had any friends to go out with so you can have fun and meet someone. I also stated that you should get out there and date around. As far as the "attack", don't think so. You are now back here crying about messing it up with the guy you left your X for. The man that gave you that human interaction and stability. So learn from your mistake and make sure you don't do that to someone in the future when you do find him. but you have to get out there and date if you want to find someone.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I think what happened with Mr. Crush, is that I was pushing him away because I was afraid of getting too close too fast I must be missing something here. You are frantic about being alone, yet you push someone away because you are getting too close? You are desperate to have someone close to you, but you are NOT desperate to have someone close to you? What exactly do you want? I'd rather be going off on hot romantic random flings with random guys. Ok, so whats stopping you? Obviously being with Mr. Crush isn't going to be a random fling or a random guy after a couple of dates. So by pushing him away, aren't you getting what you want?
Ramrod Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Please do not interpret this as off-color humor. Your behavior is erratic, you mentioned hormonal problems, there's the possibility it may be a thyroid problem, but your behavior sounds like you may possibly be bi-polar manic-depressive (takes one to know one). Please investigate this possibility thoroughly. It's best to get a handle on your mental health early in life before you wreak too much damage and fill your life with regrets. If you believe I'm mistaken about this prove me wrong by researching the illness online. Learn the symptoms, read first-hand accounts. Spend just fifteen minutes on this project. I think you'll find the root of your problem. Good luck. Get treatment.
39388 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Dexter, cut it out. Personal attacks are not cool. Phateless and 39388, I think it is interesting that you differ so much on this topic. 39388 seems to think that I should go out and socialize, whereas Phateless seems to think I should focus on being okay alone. I think what scares me so much about being alone (no friends, no dating), is that when I was alone for two years I got really depressed. I hit an all time low and started sleeping around, and ultimately got raped. I do think that I need some amount of non-superficial personal interaction to be happy. I just can't imagine going on like this and being happy. I could tough it out; there is no limit to how tough I can be, but that doesn't mean that I should. I'm just not really sure what my social and dating goals should be at this point, since I'll probably move in a year. I think what happened with Mr. Crush, is that I was pushing him away because I was afraid of getting too close too fast and/or hurting him. I told him I was busy all the time, and then when we did go out a second time I was nervous. I was nervous because I didn't know how to act; on one hand, I was saying "I believe in friends first" and playing it cool (what I feel that I am "supposed" to be doing given my recent breakup) but the other part of me really wanted to just flirt and be myself and see what could happen. I feel like I just killed something that had potential. I finally called him to try and get an idea of where he was at, and he talked to me on the phone for an hour but I don't know if it was charity. He said to let him know if I wanted to take a break from my studies sometime and meet for coffee. That is what makes me think that I may have overplayed the "I'm busy" line. Not sure if there is anything I can do at this point. I'm going to give him a week or so to see if he contacts me. I just want to feel something, and when I am alone I am so numb and can't feel a darn thing....that is the worst. I'd rather be going off on hot romantic random flings with random guys. At least then there would be something interesting in my life. Everything else in my life is BOOORING. I agree with everything Phateless posts. I think we have had different life experiences, but both want to help you. We are just explaining different situations. It is a very good idea to go out and make friends, especially with people who have common interests, or you might find some new ineterests. There are so many benefits of friendships, including being introduced to yet more friends and possibly even people to date eventually. However, many many people are alone quite a bit of the time. It is also very important to be happy during alone time. Alone time my be a few hours in a day or sometimes a whole weekend. The more friends you have, the less alone time you have. You want to keep youself busy such as with schoolwork or house cleaning or just relax during this alone time. You do not want to get down on yourself (something I struggle with). Hot romantic flings with random guys can be very very very dangerous. If the guy is no good, the most horrible things can happen and there is no way to know on a fling. In my opinion at least, it is far far far too much of a risk to take. Being bored is certainly not fun, but there are far worse things. This is why making friends can help. You will have something to do on the weekend to break up a long boring stretch. You are much younger than many of us including me, so you definitely have time to get everything figured out. Think about all the positive aspects of you which there are many. Don't just focus on the mistakes you made. Learn from them, but don't dwell on them. Much of what I tell you are the same type of things I am working on. Good luck!
Phateless Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Thanks 39388, I agree with you too. I think 39388 and I are converging in the middle. Yes, alone time is important, but by alone I meant not dating. Friends are very important right now. Distractions are key. Hang out with friends, absolutely, but don't get involved with anyone right now. You need to learn to overcome that "need" to be involved with someone and be happy being yourself. Your goal is to learn how to depend on yourself for the things you always thought you "needed" a relationship for. When I first became single I would just sit at my friends' houses, even if nothing was going on, because I couldn't stand to be by myself. Over time, I became accustomed to it, and didn't mind being by myself for a bit. I also developed a huge social life and had more friends than I had time to keep in touch with. Literally. it was so much fun. I now look back on that year and a half of being single as the best time in my life, and I miss it so much. Parties, group hikes, motorcycle rides, LOTS of swing and salsa dancing, bicycle rides, etc, etc. It was a blast. Learning how to be myself without depending on anyone else is something I have needed my whole life, and something that made me stronger than I have ever been before. I can honestly say that my ex breaking up with me was THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
theniceguy Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 If you're experiencing feelings for another person and you chose to devote those feelings that are meant for your boyfriend to another guy, then that is still cheating with your emotions and feelings. While in a committed relationship, of course there are going to be other attractions. There are tons of attractions when we are single. The point of being committed isn't that you will no longer be attracted to other people, the point is to say that you care enough for the person that you will set all of the attractions aside.
39388 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Thanks 39388, I agree with you too. I think 39388 and I are converging in the middle. Yes, alone time is important, but by alone I meant not dating. Friends are very important right now. Distractions are key. Hang out with friends, absolutely, but don't get involved with anyone right now. You need to learn to overcome that "need" to be involved with someone and be happy being yourself. Your goal is to learn how to depend on yourself for the things you always thought you "needed" a relationship for. When I first became single I would just sit at my friends' houses, even if nothing was going on, because I couldn't stand to be by myself. Over time, I became accustomed to it, and didn't mind being by myself for a bit. I also developed a huge social life and had more friends than I had time to keep in touch with. Literally. it was so much fun. I now look back on that year and a half of being single as the best time in my life, and I miss it so much. Parties, group hikes, motorcycle rides, LOTS of swing and salsa dancing, bicycle rides, etc, etc. It was a blast. Learning how to be myself without depending on anyone else is something I have needed my whole life, and something that made me stronger than I have ever been before. I can honestly say that my ex breaking up with me was THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. hotdancer2009 I agree with everything phateless says. It might not be easy at first and there may be bumps in the road, but will help you greatly. I think you will become a much happier person. You deserve happiness! If you can follow the advice phateless gives, I realy think that when you go back to romantic dating, it will be a much more satisfying experience.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 Okay, I think I am starting to get it now! I have been making an effort to take responsibility for my own happiness and to be nicer to others (give more, lean less). I'm already getting a great response! For example, I asked Mr. Crush about certain events in his life and he reciprocated by asking me about mine and wishing me luck on my test. I'm going to see him on Sunday, by the way. I found a way to get physical therapy for free, my sister sent me a valentine's day card, I made a friend at school, and my father has stopped criticizing me. Karma is real. What you give comes back to you! Also, I am going to stop having a pity party about being all alone. It is true that I am in an unusual situation as I am not close with my parents, don't have high school friends, and don't have college friends. But in the big picture, I'm very lucky to have my sister, my one girl friend, and Mr. Crush. Even though I have only known Mr. Crush and my girl friend for a matter of months, they still count as friends and as people that I have to talk to. If I were homeless, I would have nobody. What I do have is potential to make more friends and relationships. I think that previously I was never in a stable enough position in my life to open myself up to friendships, but now I am. Honestly, I think life is about letting things happen. We put so many barriers up against the things that make us happy. Making the decision to tear down the walls is the tough part. Once the decision is made, we realize that the walls were nothing but thin veils of paper. All of a sudden, the world opens its doors to us.
39388 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Excellent hotdancer2009 Reading your post broght a smile to my face.
TwilightSky Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Okay, I think I am starting to get it now! I have been making an effort to take responsibility for my own happiness and to be nicer to others (give more, lean less). I'm already getting a great response! For example, I asked Mr. Crush about certain events in his life and he reciprocated by asking me about mine and wishing me luck on my test. I'm going to see him on Sunday, by the way. I found a way to get physical therapy for free, my sister sent me a valentine's day card, I made a friend at school, and my father has stopped criticizing me. Karma is real. What you give comes back to you! Also, I am going to stop having a pity party about being all alone. It is true that I am in an unusual situation as I am not close with my parents, don't have high school friends, and don't have college friends. But in the big picture, I'm very lucky to have my sister, my one girl friend, and Mr. Crush. Even though I have only known Mr. Crush and my girl friend for a matter of months, they still count as friends and as people that I have to talk to. If I were homeless, I would have nobody. What I do have is potential to make more friends and relationships. I think that previously I was never in a stable enough position in my life to open myself up to friendships, but now I am. Honestly, I think life is about letting things happen. We put so many barriers up against the things that make us happy. Making the decision to tear down the walls is the tough part. Once the decision is made, we realize that the walls were nothing but thin veils of paper. All of a sudden, the world opens its doors to us. Actually, I'm glad to have read this. Keep on doing what you're doing.
MN randomguy Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Congrats HotDancer, Sorry we were so harsh to you earlier in the thread. You're gonna be alright.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 WOW hot dancer. I just read all your posts. In the span of just over 3 weeks, you went from being in love and ready to move in, to breaking up with someone you didn't love and dating a new guy, To being afraid you won't want to see the new guy and wanting your old guy back, because you love him deeply and had thoughts of committing suicide when he opens the door. To seeing the new guy again and not wanting to be in a dating relationship. MY HEAD IS SPINNING. Here is my advice. Don't take any more advice. You need to have a sense of who you are before you go making life changing decisions off of a relationship forum. You seem to get along well with geisha. She is a pretty smart cookie. If I can make a suggestion. Send her a message privately. And if she can be of help I am sure she will message you back. Right now you are friendship challenged (Bordering on isolation). If I can make a suggestion (not advice). You need to journal your thoughts and then read them back to yourself before you involve others (at least at this point). Write what you feel. Set the journal down and then read it the next day. If you still want to talk to someone about it great. If you don't have any idea why you wrote it, laugh it off. This way you can use yourself as a sounding board. You may even look at yourself and say what the hell was I thinking? My last suggestion. Is don't obsess or over think things. Learn to trust yourself. You are entitled to make mistakes and then learn from them. Take care of yourself
Author hotdancer2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 I made out with Mr Crush. This is so freaking awesome. :-)
movingonandon Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I made out with Mr Crush. This is so freaking awesome. :-) I'm sure that everything will be allright this time. One thing to consider is that just because you have moments of clarity and empowerment (everybody has them) does not necessarily mean that you've gotten your life **** together. Of course, I hope that everybody is happy everafter, just sayin' that self-improvement projects usually take more than 3 weeks
fishtaco Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I made out with Mr Crush. This is so freaking awesome. :-) Um... well... I'm not sure what to say, except.... you go girl! This is actually starting to get very interesting. Please come back and update what's happening with you.
Phateless Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Okay, I think I am starting to get it now! I have been making an effort to take responsibility for my own happiness and to be nicer to others (give more, lean less). I'm already getting a great response! For example, I asked Mr. Crush about certain events in his life and he reciprocated by asking me about mine and wishing me luck on my test. I'm going to see him on Sunday, by the way. I found a way to get physical therapy for free, my sister sent me a valentine's day card, I made a friend at school, and my father has stopped criticizing me. Karma is real. What you give comes back to you! Also, I am going to stop having a pity party about being all alone. It is true that I am in an unusual situation as I am not close with my parents, don't have high school friends, and don't have college friends. But in the big picture, I'm very lucky to have my sister, my one girl friend, and Mr. Crush. Even though I have only known Mr. Crush and my girl friend for a matter of months, they still count as friends and as people that I have to talk to. If I were homeless, I would have nobody. What I do have is potential to make more friends and relationships. I think that previously I was never in a stable enough position in my life to open myself up to friendships, but now I am. Honestly, I think life is about letting things happen. We put so many barriers up against the things that make us happy. Making the decision to tear down the walls is the tough part. Once the decision is made, we realize that the walls were nothing but thin veils of paper. All of a sudden, the world opens its doors to us. YES!! You create your own reality with how you view yourself, but not because of some magic karmic system. It's because the way you feel about yourself shows through very subtle tells of body language, posture, tonality, etc, and people can read those tells subconsciously. The people who are happy and in a good place mentally are just more fun to be around, and you, hotdancer, are becoming one of those people. I am very proud of you.
Ramrod Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 People are capable of change, but seldom ever do. Good luck.
Surfer Dude Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Please do not interpret this as off-color humor. Your behavior is erratic, you mentioned hormonal problems, there's the possibility it may be a thyroid problem, but your behavior sounds like you may possibly be bi-polar manic-depressive (takes one to know one). Please investigate this possibility thoroughly. It's best to get a handle on your mental health early in life before you wreak too much damage and fill your life with regrets. If you believe I'm mistaken about this prove me wrong by researching the illness online. Learn the symptoms, read first-hand accounts. Spend just fifteen minutes on this project. I think you'll find the root of your problem. Good luck. Get treatment. I totally agree with this. OP, you need professional help. Feeling desperately lonely isn't normal and it should be addressed. You also seem to have problems with low self esteem and you're constantly seeking validation, both from your dates and from LS members. This behavior is totally not attractive and so far I can see only two types of men who would put up with it: "nice guy" doormat, also clingy, needy, desperateplayer who will use you to blow his loads and dump you, because your issues will be too much for him (I've seen this happen a lot). You need help before you can start attracting what you really want in your life (stable, strong men who can provide sense of security and emotional intimacy). Nobody can give you what you lack within yourself. You need to fix your emotional and mental state, no man can do it for you.
soserious1 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I just want to feel something, and when I am alone I am so numb and can't feel a darn thing....that is the worst. My dear, you need to find a good psychiatrist/therapist, someone skilled with cluster B personality disorders. You have a void inside you that will lead you to doing any number of maladaptive things in an effort to help you feel.
39388 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I made out with Mr Crush. This is so freaking awesome. :-) That is wonderful! Do remember that it is still very important to be happy whether you are alone or with someone. Make sure some of your happiness still comes from yourself. However, there is nothing wrong with even more happiness when you are with others! I am so happy to see how much happier you are now than just a couple weeks ago!
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