Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 "Your BF will always be a doormat, and you'll always be... well, a hot dancer." I don't think I will ALWAYS be like this. How many of you dated around and felt like you had to have more experiences in your 20s before settling down? While some people marry their high school sweethearts, I think most people won't know who the "right" one is until they have eliminated many "wrong" ones. So much growing and changing takes place from 20-30; I think it would be hard to make it through that whole time with just one person.
Phateless Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 "Your BF will always be a doormat, and you'll always be... well, a hot dancer." I don't think I will ALWAYS be like this. How many of you dated around and felt like you had to have more experiences in your 20s before settling down? While some people marry their high school sweethearts, I think most people won't know who the "right" one is until they have eliminated many "wrong" ones. So much growing and changing takes place from 20-30; I think it would be hard to make it through that whole time with just one person. I agree with you 100%, and that's exactly why we were telling you that those feelings of restlessness with your current BF will get stronger instead of going away. Time to be single and experiment until you're ready to settle down. I get that feeling sometimes even when my relationship is really good. I'm just not sure I'm done cruising around and seeing who all is out there in the world.
Melrapuo Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 It seems there is an OVERWHELMING consensus on LS that I should break up with by boyfriend. So if I break up with him now and go date Mr. Crush then am I still a horrible person? As my friend pointed out, what kind of person would leave a 1.5 year loving relationship for a guy she only met once? Obviously it is still much better than cheating or stringing him along. However, I feel like no matter what I do, I'll be an evil person. HELP!!! My ex from six months ago put me in practically the same situation as you're putting your boyfriend in right now. Wanna know what happened? After two months I got tired of being a doormat. I told her to go **** off, and haven't talked to her since the end of August. And I met a new girl who has been placed in the same situation before, so we're both on the same page about what we want. We're currently dating. No clue if my ex knows, or if she cares. But that's not the point. The point is this - you're losing your boyfriend already. He's letting you string him along because: a. He doesn't understand how much more pain he's about to put himself in when he realizes that you're going to be hooking up with your crush (and i guarantee that's all it is. b. Since he doesn't understand yet, he doesn't have a backbone to prevent him from allowing you to string him along. c. He probably loves you a lot more than you love him at this point. You can't control how you feel (obviously) and he can't control how he feels. The more my ex felt the need to keep hooking up with other guys, the more I had to realize the hard way that I couldn't hang on anymore. It hurt like a bitch, but I let her go. Let him go before you cause him any more pain. If you truly cared for him like you said, then you have to do this. It's understandable that you may not know why you feel this way, and it doesn't make you a horrible person for feeling that way. But at the same time, you have to use your head before your heart if you wanna spare him any more pain. Good luck to you and your bf.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Well, it is over with my bf. I put on my big girl panties and told him it was over. I have to say that was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do in my life. Poor guy, he was so sad. I've never hurt anyone before. Not even an animal. Not even a flea. So that was tough. Plus I was hurting myself too...double suicide. Ouch. I sure hope I made the right decision.
ny152 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 what did the crush say when you told him you had a boyfriend, er... now x boyfriend? just curious.
TwilightSky Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 "Your BF will always be a doormat, and you'll always be... well, a hot dancer." I don't think I will ALWAYS be like this. How many of you dated around and felt like you had to have more experiences in your 20s before settling down? While some people marry their high school sweethearts, I think most people won't know who the "right" one is until they have eliminated many "wrong" ones. So much growing and changing takes place from 20-30; I think it would be hard to make it through that whole time with just one person. Well, you already gave him his options, but unless I'm mistaken you kept this a secret before hand. No ones says you have to be with just one person, just be honest when you're with someone (right away). Decent thing to do!
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 "what did the crush say when you told him you had a boyfriend, er... now x boyfriend? just curious." I went on a date with Mr. Crush today. The date went very well. We do have a lot in common and are attracted to each other. I told him the truth, which is that I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half yesterday so that I could date him. I told him to take it as a compliment. I don't think he quite knew how to take that! But he was cool with it. Meanwhile, my ex bf emailed me this morning with this long email about how much he loves and misses me. I called him to check that he is ok (he was) and told him I went on a date with Mr. Crush, which he said made him feel better. I then sent him a long email back telling him that I love him very much too, and explaining the reasons why I did what I did. Here is what I said: Dear ex bf, I am glad that you are feeling better. Please don't blame yourself for any of this. You treated me like an angel and loved me more than anyone else has ever loved me. You did everything right. You made me incredibly happy. I always enjoyed my time with you; you could lift me from the darkest of moods. I felt so comfortable around you and we know each other so well. I know that you tried so hard to make our relationship work. We both did. But there was a barrier that we just couldn't break. Call it cultural, spiritual, religious or even an age barrier. I know that you felt it too. I am going through so many huge transitions in my life, and I just felt like I couldn't put enough effort into our relationship anymore. While I was trying to figure out how to get a job, what career to start, what school to go to, and where I want to live, we started drifting apart. Losing you is the biggest loss of my life. I did it because I knew that I would hurt you more by staying with you. (You deserve 100% of my love, no less.) That is the only thought that gives me peace. I will always love you and I will never forget you. I am so grateful for the wonderful memories that we shared. You are a beautiful, intelligent, loving person. I wish you the very best. I do hope that we can maintain some form of communication. With Tears of Love, hotdancer What do you guys think? Am I handling all of this ok? Obviously, the one caution that I am giving myself is to take it very SLOW with Mr. Crush. Thanks guys!
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I really wish you'd run this by us BEFORE sending it, because I guarantee, everyone now is going to rip you a new @$$hole for waht you just did. Had you asked us first, we would ALL have told you - for goodness sake don't even think about sending it!! Let me tell you why.... But there was a barrier that we just couldn't break. Call it cultural, spiritual, religious or even an age barrier. I know that you felt it too. I am going through so many huge transitions in my life, and I just felt like I couldn't put enough effort into our relationship anymore. While I was trying to figure out how to get a job, what career to start, what school to go to, and where I want to live, we started drifting apart. OK, first of all that's mostly a lie, isn't it? Those may be mitigating factors, but the main reason you broke up with him was that basically, you knew you wouldn't be able to stay faithful. That is the truth, and you should step up to the plate, and own it. And let him know it. Secondly - Do not contact him ever again. Cut off every contact, every means of speaking to him, every opportunity to call him and let him heal. people who are dumped are hurt, clingy, needy, desperate, and very, very sad. Distraught. Beside themselves with grief. Losing you is the biggest loss of my life. I did it because I knew that I would hurt you more by staying with you. (You deserve 100% of my love, no less.) That is the only thought that gives me peace. I will always love you and I will never forget you. I am so grateful for the wonderful memories that we shared. You are a beautiful, intelligent, loving person. I wish you the very best. This bit is like a knife in his stomach. It makes no sense at all. And coupled with the "lie" above, is just going to confuse the cr*p out of him. If you love him so much and he was so good to you, there seems to be no rhyme or reason for your actions. This gives him hope. This gives him something to cling to. and this - I do hope that we can maintain some form of communication. Absolutely twists the blade and rips him apart. You still want to talk to him! You still want him in your life! Oh deep joy!! This way, he'll just put his entire life on hold and wait until the end of never for you! Good one! The way to move on, and to let someone heal, is to completely wipe them off the scene and let them go off-radar. NEVER, EVER - Answer his calls. Reply to his messages Answer his e-mails. Pick up the 'phone when it's his number. Reply to any messages he leaves. Do him a favour: He believes that he can wait for you to come back to him. Your letter as good as said that there's every chance you will. Cut him off now, and don't ever, ever contact him again!! Now copy and paste this, and send it to him: *name*: (no 'dear', no 'hello', no 'hya'.... Just *NAME*) "I realise my previous e-mail must have been very difficult for you to read. Just to clear any confusion from your mind, you have to understand that our relationship is over. I will not be ever coming back. I want you to move on, heal and be happy. Don't put ypour life on hold, or wait for me. You'll wait a long time, and waste your life trying. I'm finding other people to date, you will have to do the same. To help matters, please know that this will be my last communication with you. I will not ring you again. I will not text you again. I will not e-mail you again. I will not talk to you again. I am deleting your 'phone number from my 'phone, and deleting your e-mail address from my account. Please don't ever ring me. Please don't ever text me. Please don't ever e-mail me. please don't ever talk to me. Delete all my details, and erase me from your life. I'm moving on. You have to do the same. Goodbye, *name*. Take care." If you don't do this, you will condemn this man to a whole lot of misery. And if you break your promise of No Contact to him, your name here will be mud. Now leave the guy alone, once and for all.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 First of all, what anyone says on LS can't hurt me more than I've just hurt myself. Second of all, I didn't lie, at least not on purpose. If I lied it is only because I'm lying to myself. I told my bf all about Mr. Crush and I told him I went out with him the day after we broke up, so I think it is pretty obvious that he is part of the picture. I think Mr. Crush and the chaos that I'm going through are highly connected. I'll explain why. "If you love him so much and he was so good to you, there seems to be no rhyme or reason for your actions." Yeah, you're right. There was no rhyme or reason for my actions. I am totally and completely confused and I don't know what I want. Or maybe I do. I don't know. I am going through total chaos in my life since the stock market crashed and I lost my job. I made a very, very rushed and panicked decision to break up with my bf. Everyone on LS seemed to think I should do it. We were on a "break" and I was dying with the suspense (crying 24 hours a day), so I got it over with. I have a sinking feeling that was a big mistake. It's very possible that the attraction to Mr. Crush was just me reverting to my old boy crazy habits in the way some people turn to drugs and alcohol. That's why I was giving my bf hope. What does one do when they are completely confused and in a state of panic and don't know what they want?? I was trying to protect my bf from my craziness by breaking up with him. But maybe that was stupid. Maybe that just hurt both of us more. Honestly, I think all I wanted with Mr. Crush was one night out. One distraction. Someone to pay attention to me who is outside the chaos. Who is positive and still has his job. I got the date, and now I don't know what to do. I know that it wouldn't be very hard to let Mr. Crush go. Then there is the other part of me that says that the religion difference really is a problem. But I think it is premature to be breaking up because of that. When someone is in a state of panic...I don't think that is the time to be breaking up because of different beliefs about God. It's totally possible that if we were both calm, we could work it out. But everyone on LS said that religion differences are usually a deal breaker. So I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to feed off of Mr. Crush's faith because I don't have enough faith. I don't know. Please help.
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Stop dating. Anyone. mr Crush, boyfriend, whoever. Stay single. Get your messy head sorted out. The last thing you need in your life right now is more complication, so focus on you, get your life straightened out and get back on track. You're a complete hash-up, and sleeping around is not going to either solve or improve things. The way you are right now, you're a liability. You have such serious issues any guy is playing with fire taking you on. You need to go relationship-cold-turkey. And you still need to establish NC with your ex. Otherwise he'll hang round your heels like a drooling puppy and keep tripping you up. You need to find yourself, and get yourself back in one piece. As things stand at the moment you're "damaged goods" and no good to anyone - chiefly yourself. Take the time to find your centre and start healing.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Hotdancer why are you on the dating scene period? You're going to hurt Mr. Crush just like you did your Ex-BF because the issues aren't with the guys but with you yourself. You aren't ready to commit to anyone.
boxing123 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I can't believe I read through this entire thread, and that it is a serious one. That letter you sent was absolutely horrible. The horrible part is that obviously none of it is sincere. The man was dating an actress for 1.5 years. No substance. You actually blame finding a job, looking for a career, religion, etc for the break up? After 1.5 years all he gets are complete lies? And then ask to maintain communication? How self absorbed are some people? How do people just jump from one to the next? I mean line the next one up before they finish with the current one? That is not right in any way.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Stop dating? Two words: I can't. I'm not that strong. I have no family or friends. I'd rather die. Other options?
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Rubbish. Utter tosh. You can stop dating. What you mean is "I don't want to." Fine. Your choice, but: Do me a favour - don't ever let me hear you whingeing about your love life again, ok? you have taken up valuable time, effort and advice from people who genuinely wanted to help you make the right choices, and do the best by your ex, mr Crush and you. And - effectively - you have basically told us in two words, that everything we have tried to put forward for you, is a waste of time and breath. There ARE no other solutions. You have to suck it up, or keep repeating the same mistakes, time, and time, and time, and time, and time, and time (hang on, i'm not done...) and time, and time, and time, and time and time, and time, and time, and time and time, and time, and time, and time again. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get, what you've always got. You have to change your attitude. Ball's in your court.
serial muse Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Stop dating? Two words: I can't. I'm not that strong. I have no family or friends. I'd rather die. Other options? So what you're saying is that you're looking to these guys to fill up some sort of empty void within you? I hope you can see how hopeless that kind of pattern utterly is. That might also explain your "boy-crazy" ways - it's not so much about being boy-crazy as it is about needing attention in a powerful way that even you don't quite understand. I'm sure you're not intentionally sucking people in and chewing them out, but functionally that could be what happens until you allow yourself to be alone, to face your fear of it and then overpower that fear. I think that breaking up with your BF was a good call; he can't give you what you need. No one can, except you yourself, and you've so far elected to pass the buck on that. But it sounds like you have the tools, you just don't have the will. Obviously you don't like the option of being alone, but perhaps being alone is exactly what you need right now. It seems that at the moment, you're afraid of it to the point where even in a relationship you're seeking to fill up your mind with other people so that you don't have to be alone with your thoughts. And that's a cycle that'll keep going, no matter who you're dating, until you break it yourself.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Actually, I have been alone. For two years, I lived completely and totally isolated from the world. Guess what? I didn't gain anything from it. It was lonely and miserable and I would never voluntarily do it again. I had to force myself to do the most basic things every day. I truly believe that being loved is a human need, just like eating and sleeping. I truly believe that life is not worth living unless one is loved. That belief will never change. Nobody can be happy alone. Ever. Like I said, I have no friends or family. The only person that (maybe) still loves me is my ex bf. Maybe it's messed up and wrong, and maybe I'm messed up and wrong, but at least we have love. Want to know what I think? I think I should try to get my bf back. I think it was a mistake to leave him.
serial muse Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Actually, I have been alone. For two years, I lived completely and totally isolated from the world. Guess what? I didn't gain anything from it. It was lonely and miserable and I would never voluntarily do it again. I had to force myself to do the most basic things every day. I truly believe that being loved is a human need, just like eating and sleeping. I truly believe that life is not worth living unless one is loved. That belief will never change. Nobody can be happy alone. Ever. Like I said, I have no friends or family. The only person that (maybe) still loves me is my ex bf. Maybe it's messed up and wrong, and maybe I'm messed up and wrong, but at least we have love. Want to know what I think? I think I should try to get my bf back. I think it was a mistake to leave him. Look, if you really love him, maybe you can do this for him - let him go. I get that you want desperately to be loved, but what I'm not getting is that you have his best interests at heart. Perhaps the really loving thing to do for him would be not to embroil him in your soul-searching...
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 "Look, if you really love him, maybe you can do this for him - let him go. I get that you want desperately to be loved, but what I'm not getting is that you have his best interests at heart. Perhaps the really loving thing to do for him would be not to embroil him in your soul-searching... " We need each other. Maybe we can help each other grow through this tough time. Maybe we can also learn to give each other a little more personal space and each do a little growing on our own. Also, how can I possibly soul search if I am alone and unloved? That's not soul searching; that's called trying not to kill yourself. Maybe the best soul searching I could do would be to commit myself to him and to do my best to make him happy, for as long as we live. Talk about overcoming fear; that would take way more courage than the being alone thing, which I have already done and didn't work. Maybe my expectations were too high for my bf. I went chasing after "Mr. Perfect" thinking that HE would fill ALL the holes in my soul. Maybe I need to realize that there are parts of me that only I can fill, and to have the courage to ask for personal space when I need it to do whatever I need to do. We don't have to agree on everything under the sun! Maybe I can go to X religious place, and he doesn't have to come! What a revelation!!! I think I would grow much more doing this, than isolating myself from the dating world and from love.
Phateless Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 HotDancer - what they mean by this is that your farewell sent him a mixed message. You were trying to alleviate your feelings of guilt by telling him how much you love him, but the unfortunate side effect is that he will think there is still hope. He will probably stay in touch with you and try to negotiate and try to get you back. You should tell him that you're just not ready to settle down and that while you do love him, you are bored and ready to move on with your life. It's sad, and it's harsh, but it's true. You also need to go no contact so that he has a chance to get over you.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we are planning to move in together in six months. We love each other very much Well if you are "crushing" on another guy, then obviously not. I met another guy (seems perfect in all ways..kind, intelligent, successful, fun, handsome, etc. and importantly, same religion) and we hit it off and he asked me out. I said yes but that I'm busy for the next couple weeks Ah, so you agreed to a date with another guy. Ok then, its real simple. Break up with your bf and cancel plans to move in together. ...to give me time to think about how I want to handle this! sorry, you already "handled" it. You agreed to the date. So just break up with your bf. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend yet Well then you shouldn't have agreed to a date with the other guy. but I want to keep my options open. What do I do? Again, you break up with your bf. your desire to keep options open shouldn't be your bf's problem. You are being totally selfish. (In the past I have dated guys behind my bf's back and not told either party the truth, which was extremely awkward. In my book, that's not cheating since I never kissed or touched them...but still slimy.) so you already went out on your bf? Geez, just do him a favor and move on. He doesn't deserve what you are doing to him. and of course you won't see it as cheating. How convenient for you. Tell your bf, see if he shares that sentiment.
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Dexter, trust me, we have sooooo moved on from that. She has broken up with ex- but is now having second thoughts about Mr Crush.... It's a mess!! if you have a couple of wet days, read through the thread. Beats Harold Robbins any day.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Dexter, trust me, we have sooooo moved on from that. She has broken up with ex- but is now having second thoughts about Mr Crush.... It's a mess!! if you have a couple of wet days, read through the thread. Beats Harold Robbins any day. ya, I see that. Was replying to the first post. Glad to hear she broke up with bf. Can't say I'm disappointed that things didn't work out with Mr Crush:cool: Now all I hope happens is she doesn't try to get her bf back like he is Mr. Backburner.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 So how do I know when I'm ready to date? I thought dating was like soccer; you need to practice to get better. How is quitting cold turkey going to help? I'll just be miserable like the last time I did that.
ny152 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 like soccer? I suppose in that sense it is, but the similarities stop there, soccer is a beautiful game that is always fun, and the worse that can happen is a ball to the groin . In all honesty, I don't think anyone here is going to help you, you have to do what you think is the best for you. I think instinct is the best guide. having said that, I think your original doubts would have ate away at you, and you probably be would have just ended up miserable with boyfriend in the end. just curious again... this religion thing seems really import, is it a specific religion? or just being spiritual in general?
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 So how do I know when I'm ready to date? I thought dating was like soccer; you need to practice to get better. How is quitting cold turkey going to help? I'll just be miserable like the last time I did that. When you look in the mirror and confidently, honestly and lovingly say - "Man, you are some catch for some lucky guy!" Dating is nothing like soccer. It's not a game, it's not a sport with half-time, and you certainly don't go running around like a demented maniac kissing 11 men for the trivial fact you've scored with the goalie! You'll only be miserable if you quit for your own good, but have no purpose. Your mission - should YOU decide to accept it - is to straighten yourself out, work on yourself and make yourself the best person you can be. It's going to be hard being yourself. Nobody has ever done it before, and you get the job. You have to be able to look into that mirror and tell yourself how lovely and perfect you are - flaws and all - and be able to smile, and hold your head up high. As things currently stand, judging by your plaintive postI don't think even finding a mirror is something you can be happy doing. And yes, help us out here -what is the deal with this 'religion' thing?
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