elaina Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Yay, he is willing to consider an open relationship!!! Um... just curious and not meaning to bust your bubble, but what does guy number 2 think? Is he open to a relationship with you and this other guy who is your best friend and you supposedly love? Or, are you just going to lie to him about it and think he'll never eventually find out? What do you think he would say if you contact him (the guy you are crushing on) and say, guess what? I am in a recentlly opened relationship just to make room for you!" Most guys don't take real kindly to that... most girls don't either come to think of it. I would laugh if a guy said that to me and say, riiigght. Chao! Honestly, have you told your crush you are in an open relationship with another man? Are you going to show your crush your lover and best friend's picture and say, he is fine with us dating too! ?
O'Malley Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Yay, he is willing to consider an open relationship!!! I think he's only considering it in an (ultimately futile) attempt to stay in a relationship with you. Don't compound the situation by moving in with him. Also, it's not an open relationship unless it's open for both partners. He has the right to date other women and if he has any sense he will do just that or break up with you.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 The moving in together thing is definitely on hold. So I guess my choices are A) Break up with him B) Open relationship C) Stay with him exclusively If I go with A I will lose my best friend and will feel evil and depressed for breaking it off with someone I love dearly and who loves me and with whom I have built a beautiful relationship..and especially for hurting him. (Then again, it could be argued that I would hurt him more by NOT breaking up with him.) It will be the biggest loss of my life and I may very well regret it fifteen years later when I realize he actually WAS the best fit for me. If I go with B there are all sorts of nasty complications (like telling my crush that I recently opened up a relationship for him). If I go with C I will spend the rest of my life wondering if I might have found someone who was a better fit (closer values/religion, closer age, etc.) since I am in my 20s and he is my first real boyfriend. And I would have to control myself. No more emailing Mr. Crush, who is pretty tempting and only comes around once in a blue moon. Hmmm.....what would YOU do?
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Hey, I have another idea. Well, actually my friend did. I'm thinking of taking some time off with no dating. A break from my boyfriend (but still loyal with us being loyal to each other) to think about what it is that I want. I would also be honest with Mr. Crush and explain what is going on. What do you guys think? (This is a reasonable request of my boyfriend, right?)
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Hey, I have another idea. Well, actually my friend did. I'm thinking of taking some time off with no dating. A break from my boyfriend (but still loyal with us being loyal to each other) to think about what it is that I want. I would also be honest with Mr. Crush and explain what is going on. What do you guys think? (This is a reasonable request of my boyfriend, right?) Good idea! He will not like the idea, but it's honest. Just don't try to string him along. Make your choice fairly quick. Also, just an opinion here... personal values are very important to a good relationship. It sounds like his value system and yours fundamentally don't match, and that could be a huge issue for you down the road.
Phateless Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Hey, I have another idea. Well, actually my friend did. I'm thinking of taking some time off with no dating. A break from my boyfriend (but still loyal with us being loyal to each other) to think about what it is that I want. I would also be honest with Mr. Crush and explain what is going on. What do you guys think? (This is a reasonable request of my boyfriend, right?) sigh, I don't know where to begin. 1) this is NEVER going to play out the way you expected. 2) stringing your bf along is exactly what you're planning on doing, whether you admit it or not. you want him to be there while you sit and think 3) you're going to hang out with your crush who will of course make a move on you while your poor bf patiently waits for you to make up your mind. Just cut your bf loose right now. He wants a relationship and he agreed to an open relationship because he's trying to hang onto you. Do him a favor and let him go, be single on your own.
fishtaco Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I agree. Don't make him wait. That's just stringing him along.
Stockalone Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Hey, I have another idea. Well, actually my friend did. I'm thinking of taking some time off with no dating. A break from my boyfriend (but still loyal with us being loyal to each other) to think about what it is that I want. I would also be honest with Mr. Crush and explain what is going on. What do you guys think? (This is a reasonable request of my boyfriend, right?) Personally, I don't think that is reasonable at all. But your bf didn't dump you after being asked to consider an open relationship. So he will probably go along with the "let's take a break" idea. But if you are taking a break and want to remain loyal to your bf, wouldn't that also mean that you can't keep in touch with Mr. Crush? How exactly do you envision this break?
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Actually, I was going to suggest taking a break to my bf when HE called ME and suggested the same thing. Told you we are on the same page! So it's not stringing him along at all. It was really sweet how he called me one last time (before our designated meeting date in three weeks) to say that he loved me. Awww! As far as the crush, I plan to tell him the whole truth (I'm interested in you but I have a boyfriend who I'm on a break with, blah blah) and save his email address for future reference. No, I won't date him or anyone else during the break. I'm sure lots of questions will come up for me during the three week soul search. I'll keep you guys posted!
Phateless Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Actually, I was going to suggest taking a break to my bf when HE called ME and suggested the same thing. Told you we are on the same page! So it's not stringing him along at all. It was really sweet how he called me one last time (before our designated meeting date in three weeks) to say that he loved me. Awww! As far as the crush, I plan to tell him the whole truth (I'm interested in you but I have a boyfriend who I'm on a break with, blah blah) and save his email address for future reference. No, I won't date him or anyone else during the break. I'm sure lots of questions will come up for me during the three week soul search. I'll keep you guys posted! I'll put money on you hooking up with your crush within a week.
fishtaco Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I'll put money on you hooking up with your crush within a week. Yup, what he said. And your current BF will learn a very valuable lesson. He's not sweet, he's desperate, that was a doormat move. How can anyone go that far to hang on to a relationship that's clearly going down the drain? But good news for you, you have total control of the situation. You are teh winnar!! Maybe at the end of three weeks after you tell him it's over between you two, he'll learn to grow some backbone.
MN randomguy Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 The moving in together thing is definitely on hold. So I guess my choices are A) Break up with him B) Open relationship C) Stay with him exclusively If I go with A I will lose my best friend and will feel evil and depressed for breaking it off with someone I love dearly and who loves ME and with whom I have built a beautiful relationship..and especially for hurting him. (Then again, it could be argued that I would hurt him more by NOT breaking up with him.) It will be the biggest loss of MY life and I may very well regret it fifteen years later when I realize he actually WAS the best fit for ME. If I go with B there are all sorts of nasty complications (like telling my crush that I recently opened up a relationship for him). If I go with C I will spend the rest of my life wondering if I might have found someone who was a better fit (closer values/religion, closer age, etc.) since I am in my 20s and he is MY first real boyfriend. And I would have to control myself. No more emailing Mr. Crush, who is pretty tempting and only comes around once in a blue moon. Hmmm.....what would YOU do? WOW, You are the most selfish girlfriend ever. Seriously, whatever you do option B has got to be off of the table. He does NOT want an open relationship. In a guy's mind an open relationship is so HE can play the field. No sane guy actually wants some other dude banging his Girlfriend!! What religion are you anyhow? What religion/god endorses this behavior? I doubt you and Mr. Crush are really that devout. I hate to quote revelations in mixed company but.. Revelations 3:15-16 15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. Are you really going to start an open relationship because he's the same religion as you? If you're not religious fine, do what you will. Don't pretend to be.
Geishawhelk Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hot dancer, listen very carefully. An open relationship exists between two people usually because it's a mutual agreement, evident and made pretty much during the fairly early stages of a relationship. It doesn't suddenly come into being a while down the line because one person selfishly wants to screw around, but refuses to let the other person go, in order to keep them as a good second base to screw, when other loverboys are thin on the ground. What you are proposing is callous, disrespectful, dishonest and frankly selfish and totally unfeeling. Ask him, point blank: "If we have an open relationship, will you promise me please, you'll sleep around too? That's what an open relationship is - we can both play the field, get our rocks off and F**k other people, so you will please do that, won't you?" Which of course is true, because that IS what you want, isn't it? To give him every opportunity to happily go off and ball as many other girls as he wants? I guarantee it, he'll let you know it's not what he wants to do. I bet it's not rerally what you want him to do either. In which case, you are firmly back to square One. DO-THE-GUY-A-REALLY-BIG-FAVOUR-AND-BREAK-UP-WITH-HIM!!
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 It seems there is an OVERWHELMING consensus on LS that I should break up with by boyfriend. So if I break up with him now and go date Mr. Crush then am I still a horrible person? As my friend pointed out, what kind of person would leave a 1.5 year loving relationship for a guy she only met once? Obviously it is still much better than cheating or stringing him along. However, I feel like no matter what I do, I'll be an evil person. HELP!!!
MN randomguy Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 So if I break up with him now and go date Mr. Crush then am I still a horrible person? Is this your goal? to be percieved as a "good person"? The other things that you are proposing are a lot meaner than just breaking up with him. Will he be heartbroken? yes! Will he get over it and be glad that you dumped him 20 years from now? definetly! As my friend pointed out, what kind of person would leave a 1.5 year loving relationship for a guy she only met once? the kind of person that values the new hot guy over said loving relationship. One thing many people don't tell you is that you can't always get what you want. You have to have priorities. You'll never find the perfect guy that is both wonderfully exciting and wonderfully stable and loving. If you dump him for the new guy you'll be with him until it gets comfortable. Then, you'll find someone else exciting. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll be an evil person. HELP!!! Oh, come on. Grow up. You're going to have to make a decision.
Phateless Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 It seems there is an OVERWHELMING consensus on LS that I should break up with by boyfriend. So if I break up with him now and go date Mr. Crush then am I still a horrible person? As my friend pointed out, what kind of person would leave a 1.5 year loving relationship for a guy she only met once? Obviously it is still much better than cheating or stringing him along. However, I feel like no matter what I do, I'll be an evil person. HELP!!! The only thing that's hard for you about this is dealing with your own feelings of guilt. He'll probably be mad at you and he has every right to be. Do what you have to do and just accept the fact that he'll be hurt. Doing it this way is much better than the way you were going about it. Yes, you are leaving your bf of 1.5 years because you want to be single and date other people. It will be hard on him and he might hate you, but that doesn't make you a horrible person. It's the right thing to do to be honest with him and break up with him instead of cheating on him.
Geishawhelk Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 It seems there is an OVERWHELMING consensus on LS that I should break up with by boyfriend. I think we're getting through, guys....! Took a while..... So if I break up with him now and go date Mr. Crush then am I still a horrible person? Not as horrible if you'd gone with the other plan. And at least you will have made a concrete decision.... As my friend pointed out, what kind of person would leave a 1.5 year loving relationship for a guy she only met once? It only takes 'once' to meet someone else..... Obviously it is still much better than cheating or stringing him along. However, I feel like no matter what I do, I'll be an evil person. Nah. In comparison to some things, this isn't 'evil'. But you just have to look at the bigger picture, and consider the emotions, feelings and - yes - Rights - of others. Your BF has some rights in this. A Right to honesty A Right to Dignity A right to live a happy life free of the kinds of complications you were going to hand him. HELP!!! Do I take it from this that actually, you wouldn't be very comfortable with actively encouraging - or putting up with - your BF also screwing around? Was that the clincher?
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 It seems there is an OVERWHELMING consensus on LS that I should break up with by boyfriend. So if I break up with him now and go date Mr. Crush then am I still a horrible person? As my friend pointed out, what kind of person would leave a 1.5 year loving relationship for a guy she only met once? Obviously it is still much better than cheating or stringing him along. However, I feel like no matter what I do, I'll be an evil person. HELP!!! 1.5 years is not a long time. Here is some very serious advice. Opposites can attract, but it takes WAY more effort to sustain a long term relationship. The more you have in common the easier it is to make things work and the happier you will be long term.
fishtaco Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I vote that hotdancer should go about her original plan. She's not 100% at fault here. He is obligated to protect himself as well. Many of us, if we were in her BF's situation, would know what to do - either agree to the open relationship and start boning a bunch of other chicks (hey, this is what she wanted, fair is fair), or break it off immediately. We won't be suckered into this waiting game and calling to say I love you. He failed at protecting himself. Her doormat of a boyfriend will continue to be the punching bag for the next girl, and the next, and the next. People don't change unless some crisis happens. This is the perfect opportunity for him to learn. So by having LS people give hotdancer advice on the best way to move forward, he gets off easy. Not because he understands, but because LS people babied him. He has to learn to stand on his own. That's my vote. Hotdancer, you talked to your BF about this already. You were honest. That's the most you can ask out of anyone. If he's still being dumb and not protecting himself, it's his own problem. You do whatever you want.
Geishawhelk Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 She's not 100% at fault here. He is obligated to protect himself as well. Many of us, if we were in her BF's situation, would know what to do - either agree to the open relationship and start boning a bunch of other chicks (hey, this is what she wanted, fair is fair), or break it off immediately. We won't be suckered into this waiting game and calling to say I love you. He failed at protecting himself. That is his issue, not hers. She has to take responsibility for her decisions. if he were here posting, we'd be advising him accordingly. Her doormat of a boyfriend will continue to be the punching bag for the next girl, and the next, and the next. People don't change unless some crisis happens. Sometimes, not even then. no guarantees in this game. This is the perfect opportunity for him to learn. Whether he sees it this way or not, is up to him. Some folk just seem born to be doormats. So by having LS people give hotdancer advice on the best way to move forward, he gets off easy. Not because he understands, but because LS people babied him. He has to learn to stand on his own. That's my vote. so tell him that. Of course, you can't. Nobody can. So as he's absent, ther only issues we can focus on, are hers. Hotdancer, you talked to your BF about this already. You were honest. That's the most you can ask out of anyone. If he's still being dumb and not protecting himself, it's his own problem. You do whatever you want. I agree that he needs to grow a new pair, but again, the advice we've given her has been constructive, direct and pertinent to her. And telling her to 'do what she wants' may not help. That's the reason she came here in the first place!
fishtaco Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Good points. I'm not arguing that the advice in this thread are bad, or shouldn't be given. They're not, they're excellent advice. I was just voicing my vote. I felt that at the urging of LS people, she came clean to her BF, before cheating happened. That was a win already. Kudos from me to LS people and hotdancer. And that would be the only thing I would ask of any relationship partner. Anything more would be icing on the cake, because if I don't like it, I can always bail. I don't expect others to baby me, and I don't expect to baby others. If you (general you) can't handle dating, you lose, too bad. Just IMHO.
Author hotdancer2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Awww, thanks for the kudos fishtaco! I'm definitely leaning toward breaking up with my bf, and pretty soon since I have a date with Mr. Crush on Sunday. It seems like the most honest thing to do. Thanks to everyone for the advice!
fishtaco Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Awww, thanks for the kudos fishtaco! I'm definitely leaning toward breaking up with my bf, and pretty soon since I have a date with Mr. Crush on Sunday. It seems like the most honest thing to do. Thanks to everyone for the advice! You're leaning toward breaking up yet you already have a date set with Mr. Crush. Hahaha, but whatever, you're doing the best you can already. Your BF will always be a doormat, and you'll always be... well, a hot dancer. If you feel like it, I know, it's such a chore, try to make sure the break up happens before the date. But it's up to you. Like I said, at this point it's all icing on the cake. I'll put money on you hooking up with your crush within a week. You win!!! I'm guessing Phateless doesn't have some sort of mysterious superpower that he can use to predict the future. Instead, he knew because well, he's seen this before and he can tell what hotdancer is about just from her posts. Experience. Invaluable asset in the dating arena. This is what dating is about. I can't say I agree with hotdancer's dating methodology, but women similar to her is quite common. Any man that isn't ready to face women like hotdancer, isn't ready for the dating scene. So good luck to hotdancer, and to Mr. Crush. And I hope Mr. Doormat learned a valuable lesson.
Phateless Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 I vote that hotdancer should go about her original plan. She's not 100% at fault here. He is obligated to protect himself as well. Many of us, if we were in her BF's situation, would know what to do - either agree to the open relationship and start boning a bunch of other chicks (hey, this is what she wanted, fair is fair), or break it off immediately. We won't be suckered into this waiting game and calling to say I love you. He failed at protecting himself. Her doormat of a boyfriend will continue to be the punching bag for the next girl, and the next, and the next. People don't change unless some crisis happens. This is the perfect opportunity for him to learn. So by having LS people give hotdancer advice on the best way to move forward, he gets off easy. Not because he understands, but because LS people babied him. He has to learn to stand on his own. That's my vote. Hotdancer, you talked to your BF about this already. You were honest. That's the most you can ask out of anyone. If he's still being dumb and not protecting himself, it's his own problem. You do whatever you want. It's true. If my gf told me she wanted an open relationship I would have a new girl in bed within a week. I hope doormat dude learns something from all of this.
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