lesoiseaux Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I'll try to keep this as short as possible! My boyfriend and I are both in our second year of college and have been together for a little over a year. Currently we are apart for winter break, which is about halfway through (four weeks total). So for the first 10 days of break or so, he was on vacation in Guatemala and thus had no phone and very limited internet access. We made it work, however, and we would send little messages/emails or chat online when the opportunity arose. He said he would call me as soon as possible, once back in the US, and he did. This was on New Year's Eve. I talked to him again at around midnight, and he said he would call me the next day (Jan 1) around 10 pm. So he calls me around 10:30 said night, only to say that he is in a bowling alley but can call me later, around midnight. I'm a little bummed, but okay, I can wait a little longer. So I start watching a movie and he calls around 12:15 am, this time only to say that he can't talk because he's spending time with his best friend from home (a guy) who is staying the night, so he is just saying goodnight and will call me tomorrow. I was so disappointed when he told me this, and I started crying. Thinking back I know I overreacted, but I was just looking so forward to talking to him. The thing is, I'm pretty sure this time apart has been more difficult for me than it has been for him (sometimes I do perfectly fine, but sometimes I cry and feel like it will be too long before I see him), for a few reasons: Based on what I've read in some threads on these boards, girls tend to be more emotional and don't handle time apart as well. Apparently guys can compartmentalize things better and set aside problems that they can't immediately fix. My boyfriend seems to fit this description, but I don't want to write this all off as a gender difference.I have fewer friends at home and tend to have less to do. I consider this a result of being pretty shy in high school and thus as I became more social in college, a very large majority of my friends are at school rather than at home.This is the big reason, I think. Earlier this year (or I guess last year, in 2008), around March/April, my boyfriend started having some doubts about the relationship and started pulling back. This being my first relationship I didn't react to this well and probably did a lot of things for a few months that I shouldn't have (not breaking up with him, letting him string me along, etc.), but we have definitely passed that point and things are better than ever. I just think that that incident has made me afraid of things going sour in the future, even though he even tells me I shouldn't worry. So, I don't really know what to make of this. I feel like I need some more from him, but I don't know if that is realistic or logical to ask. For example, I wish he could've made time on the phone for me last night, but admittedly he did call to let me know he was busy and I know he needs time for his friends. Also, he never says "I love you" first, but then again I don't know if this is even indicative of anything because I know he loves me and I know he has difficulties expressing emotions (besides, he says "I love you too" and his actions seem to speak louder than his words--when we are together I feel no doubts). Am I making too big a deal out of this? Is it "out of line," so to speak, to ask him to say "I love you" first? I guess I am just looking for some reassurance and some general outside perspectives, because I'm afraid I might be overthinking. Thanks so much and Happy New Year everyone!
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Try to not worry too much about it. The problem with communication is that even face to face, body language is the primary and major aspect. It's about 60 - 70% of how we inter-act. The fact that your BF is not very demonstrative even together, is doubly magnified when you're apart. Wait until you see him. Actions speak louder than words.... However, I would say (from long experience) that a person who is demonstrably and openly affectionate and tactile, who ends up with a partner who isn't - is headed for frustration, disappointment and sadness. If you're prone to giving it, you'll also be prone to liking or needing it. If you don't receive it in return - that to me is a big red flag. Not all guys are like your BF. You're right to not stereotype. My BF is so touchy-feely, that my nick-name for him is "Mr Hugs".... I think you either need to settle some matters about affection and personal needs before it blows out of hand. But face to face. Try to bide your time, and be patient.
BlueEyedGirl Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Just an observation: In every relationship, there is a person who loves more. Here this person is you. Too many people excuse this as gender differences, communication styles etc. Truth is far simpler than that. Also asking a person to call more, say I love you first etc is also not going to work. You can't force someone to feel what they don't naturally feel. You do have a choice to stay and live with this imbalance with lots of frustration and tears or leave and find someone who will return your love.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 So for the first 10 days of break or so, he was on vacation in Guatemala and thus had no phone and very limited internet access. We made it work, however, and we would send little messages/emails or chat online when the opportunity arose. He said he would call me as soon as possible, once back in the US, and he did. This was on New Year's Eve. I talked to him again at around midnight, and he said he would call me the next day (Jan 1) around 10 pm. So he calls me around 10:30 said night, only to say that he is in a bowling alley but can call me later, around midnight. I'm a little bummed, but okay, I can wait a little longer. So I start watching a movie and he calls around 12:15 am, this time only to say that he can't talk because he's spending time with his best friend from home (a guy) who is staying the night, so he is just saying goodnight and will call me tomorrow. I was so disappointed when he told me this, and I started crying. Thinking back I know I overreacted, but I was just looking so forward to talking to him. The thing is, I'm pretty sure this time apart has been more difficult for me than it has been for him (sometimes I do perfectly fine, but sometimes I cry and feel like it will be too long before I see him), for a few reasons: So, I don't really know what to make of this. I feel like I need some more from him, but I don't know if that is realistic or logical to ask. For example, I wish he could've made time on the phone for me last night, but admittedly he did call to let me know he was busy and I know he needs time for his friends. Am I making too big a deal out of this? As I read, I was so impressed that he phoned you first on New Year's Eve, and then again from the bowling alley (hopefully you heard the unmistakable sound effects of such an environment??). I believe the whole story, AND I feel that both telling it and stewing over it affords you even more time with him very near to your thoughts. If and when something BIG comes up to get in the way of your relationship, you'll know it, because it will be a LOT larger than anything you've described here.
redant Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 You sound very logical in your posts and are handling your emotions well as far thinking before you react. Something I struggle with. I agree that at this point asking him to say I love you first may not be the best idea. It's a tough situation. It would be nice to be able to express that you are having a bit of a hard time being away from him, without sounding too needy. Maybe if he was an understanding guy he would try and make you feel a little better. Just my 2 cents. I hope that he loves and respects you the way that you need to be.
AlektraClementine Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I think it's cool that he called just to touch base with you even though he couldn't chat. Sounds like he really respects you.
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