Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 While I agree that many men naturally emotionally withdraw to reevaluate the relationship after being intimate, I still believe that the *right guy* will not withdraw to the extent this guy has. With the *right guy*, you might not even notice that he withdrew and reevaluated, because he will be right there with you on the same page. I've been in a place where a guy didn't contact for whatever reason, and went into a slight panic mode... not a lot unlike what we've seen from the OP. I've been there several times. Guess what? None of them were the *right guy.* I've also been in a place where a guy didn't contact me for whatever reason, and I had absolutely no fear. I knew in my gut that he would get in touch with me... that his delay wasn't the result of withdrawl or another woman or anything having to do with doubts. I'm in this place right now, in fact. The two experiences are completely different. The latter is soooooo much better.
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Nah, it's just that you're willing to put up with more crap from a partner than I am. It's called being reasonable TBF, something you should seriously consider. It will bring you back down to earth were all the rest of us mere mortals reside.
Author redant Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I don't think he is the wrong guy because he didn't call me first
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 While I agree that many men naturally emotionally withdraw to reevaluate the relationship after being intimate, I still believe that the *right guy* will not withdraw to the extent this guy has. With the *right guy*, you might not even notice that he withdrew and reevaluated, because he will be right there with you on the same page. I've been in a place where a guy didn't contact for whatever reason, and went into a slight panic mode... not a lot unlike what we've seen from the OP. I've been there several times. Guess what? None of them were the *right guy.* I've also been in a place where a guy didn't contact me for whatever reason, and I had absolutely no fear. I knew in my gut that he would get in touch with me... that his delay wasn't the result of withdrawl or another woman or anything having to do with doubts. I'm in this place right now, in fact. The two experiences are completely different. The latter is soooooo much better. You've got it!!!!!!! Trust and respect are important. If you're not getting them, you know it.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 It's called being reasonable TBF, something you should seriously consider. It will bring you back down to earth were all the rest of us mere mortals reside. Oh give it a rest TC. It has nothing to do with mortality and everything to do with the right guy. This guy has now got what he wants. Let's see how much respect and empathy he gives her, to give her that feeling of trustworthiness. The game of who cares less is just a game. The game of "all about me", gets old fast.
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Redant TRUST me on this, there is nothing wrong here. The guy just needs his time to readjust. You did the right thing on not calling him on it. I have a LOT more faith on men that pace themselves and take their time than the ones that come on so strong and want so much and all time, four dates in one week, calls you all the time. Guess what those types get bored quickly and just as quickly as they came into your life they dissapear. And women who allow this type of excessive attention only set themselves up to be dissapointed. Let it be, trust me on this. Either way you will tell what his intentions are it is FAR too soon to start cracking some proverbial whip on him, you guys are just starting out. If he pulls away and gets all cold and distant then of course you have every right to not only ask him what's up but decide yourself what's up. It's only been two days, this is normal.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I don't think he is the wrong guy because he didn't call me first redant, have you two had the exclusive, committed relationship discussion yet?
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Oh give it a rest TC. It has nothing to do with mortality and everything to do with the right guy. This guy has now got what he wants. Let's see how much respect and empathy he gives her, to give her that feeling of trustworthiness. The game of who cares less is just a game. The game of "all about me", gets old fast. You are bringing your personal issues into this woman's situation, that's not fair.
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I have a LOT more faith on men that pace themselves and take their time than the ones that come on so strong and want so much and all time, four dates in one week, calls you all the time. Guess what those types get bored quickly and just as quickly as they came into your life they dissapear. And women who allow this type of excessive attention only set themselves up to be dissapointed. I realize you're trying to take a passive-aggressive dig at TBF, but I still completely agree with her. The guy I've been seeing for about 6 weeks now is in no rush, may have withdrawn and reevaluated (or may do it in the future), but I assure you that I'm confident I'll never feel this fear with him. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but I will not have driven myself bat-sh*t crazy in the process of figuring it out like I have in the past, and as the OP has with this guy. It's an awesome feeling.
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 You are bringing your personal issues into this woman's situation, that's not fair. Hahaha! Actually, YOU are bringing her issues in. Read my last post.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 You are bringing your personal issues into this woman's situation, that's not fair. No, I'm bringing some personal experiences into this thread and so are you. Rubberbanding men are a waste of time. The guys who are all in, won't make you feel this way. I've had experiences with both types.
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I realize you're trying to take a passive-aggressive dig at TBF, but I still completely agree with her. The guy I've been seeing for about 6 weeks now is in no rush, may have withdrawn and reevaluated (or may do it in the future), but I assure you that I'm confident I'll never feel this fear with him. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but I will not have driven myself bat-sh*t crazy in the process of figuring it out like I have in the past, and as the OP has with this guy. It's an awesome feeling. I was not making any passive agressive digs at anyone!! I am speaking from exprience and the experience of my girfriends and all the women I know that when a man comes on TOO strong and showers a woman in SO MUCH attention all at once, more than likely he is just a fast burner. I've experienced this myself and my alarm bells go off. What the guy in this situation is doing is exactly what most men who were serious about me were like, they rubber banded a bit a at first and as the relationship grew and progressed it went smoothly as soon as the power shifted. When I was 22 I would panic, now that I know how men operate I don't. When this happens I tend to sit back and let it happen one of two things will go down either he will walk (which has never happened to me yet) or I take it as a sign that he is becoming more emotionally attached to me, either way I see it as a good thing now I never panic, if he walks then better to know then and there than later. Simple as that.
Author redant Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Yea panic is not good I think I am better at not panicking now. I think I'm able to observe more. I think anyway. We shall see.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Yea panic is not good I think I am better at not panicking now. I think I'm able to observe more. I think anyway. We shall see. redant, you haven't answered my question. Maybe you missed it. Have the two of you had the exclusive, committed discussion yet?
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 TC, I strongly believe you and I have different interpretations of relationships. A relationship isn't about power. If it is, then there's too much ego involved.
Author redant Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 No we have not had the exclusive commited talk yet. I did tell him what I wanted from the beginning something serious, he does know that. TBF what is the who cares less game?
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 TC, I strongly believe you and I have different interpretations of relationships. A relationship isn't about power. If it is, then there's too much ego involved. That's fresh coming from someone who consistently displays she is into nothing BUT power, all your expecations and completely unatainable standards that you claim to need be met by men are 100% driven by a severe need for power. That seems to be only way you feel secure with a man, is if you think you have the upper hand and that's not the way it is TBF you have to learn to not be so much in control and be confident and comfortable with that too. But of course what do I know I just like to put up with crap.
D-Lish Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Follow up call. No way! Ball is in his court. Asking why he didn't call will come off as needy- will even seem like pressure. Be patient, laid back. It's a new relationship right? That's why you don't question things like that at this point.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 No we have not had the exclusive commited talk yet. I did tell him what I wanted from the beginning something serious, he does know that. TBF what is the who cares less game? To get the exact phrase, you'll have to ask carhill. But the gist of it is that the person who cares less, wins because they have less investment, thus less on the line.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 That's fresh coming from someone who consistently displays she is into nothing BUT power, all your expecations and completely unatainable standards that you claim to need be met by men are 100% driven by a severe need for power. That seems to be only way you feel secure with a man, is if you think you have the upper hand and that's not the way it is TBF you have to learn to not be so much in control and be confident and comfortable with that too. But of course what do I know I just like to put up with crap. Nope but you're welcome to believe it if it makes you happy!
OpenBook Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Real men pull away a bit after they become intimate and the power shifts, it's as simple as that, and we as women need to learn to deal with that and to keep our neediness under wraps until this period adjusts eventually if the relationship is meant to be it goes away. Desperation to get things perfect is not the key to making them perfect. Cross the bridge when it comes if he continues rubber banding, for now THEY JUST got intimate with each other, let the guy have his space and don't panic. Absolutely agree, this has been my experience, every time. They actually get a little nervous after we have sex the first time together... they eye me cautiously, like they expect me to become a head-spinning banshee (like so many women do when they let those needy feelings take control over their behavior). The times when I've remained calm, cool, and collected with them emotionally - ESPECIALLY right after that 1st hot-hot sex session:bunny::bunny: - they're mystified. It totally throws them for a loop. And by "calm, cool and collected" I don't mean throw a cold bucket of water on him. I mean, be nice to him but keep everything light, don't get into a heavy discussion about ANYTHING. They eat it up!! And soon after that (within days, if not earlier!), the "real-thing" guy will start talking about being your BF. However, if they're still cautious and nonchalant after a week, it's a death-knell to any kind of meaningful relationship with them... and you might as well walk away. You're just wasting your time. So if I were the OP, I'd remain calm, cool and collected. Don't bring up anything heavy. And give it a week. No more.
Touche Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Ok in my opinion it all depends on how long before you got intimate. If it was less than 10 dates, I'd agree with the ladies who are saying to chill and that's how it is with most men. However, if you slept with him after about 10 dates, I'd go with the ladies who say he's playing a game and/or withdrawing for real.
Tomcat33 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I think it's possible you haven't experienced being with a man who was really " in it" with you. . And I think it's possible you have no clue what you are talking about, Beav.
Storyrider Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 He did not call yesterday evening or today, we are both off for the holidays. I called him just now (3pm) and he's with family going to the shooting range. People...it was the very next day after they last saw each other when she got tired of waiting for him to call. Had 24 hours even passed? And he was spending time with his family. She didn't even give him time to miss her!
Touche Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 People...it was the very next day after they last saw each other when she got tired of waiting for him to call. Had 24 hours even passed? And he was spending time with his family. She didn't even give him time to miss her! I know. I agree to an extent. But I really think it's relevant to consider when they were last intimate (if they were) and how soon after they met. In my personal experience, that's a big factor here.
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