redant Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I spent alot of time with my date over the Holidays. Things went great. He was at my place a few days then went back home yesterday. He did not call yesterday evening or today, we are both off for the holidays. I called him just now (3pm) and he's with family going to the shooting range. I was a bit annoyed that he didn't call to say hi earlier. We have plans to do something tomorrow. What I'm wondering is should I have told him "why didn't you call?" or should I let it go? Is he wanting his freedom? This is the part of dating I don't like. Do I need to do my own thing too and not call him? Should I say something? or just let it go? Any help is appreciated.
You'reasian Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I spent alot of time with my date over the Holidays. Things went great. He was at my place a few days then went back home yesterday.He did not call yesterday evening or today, we are both off for the holidays . He's probably organizing his affairs and settling himself after coming home. I called him just now (3pm) and he's with family going to the shooting range. I was a bit annoyed that he didn't call to say hi earlier. We have plans to do something tomorrow. What I'm wondering is should I have told him "why didn't you call?" or should I let it go? Is he wanting his freedom? This is the part of dating I don't like. Do I need to do my own thing too and not call him? Should I say something? or just let it go? Any help is appreciated. Considering the nature of the question it sounds like you've just begun dating? Call the man and let him know you are interested. Do this for two reasons: 1. We guys get busy and focused on projects and sometimes forget to check in. 2. It'll let him know you're interested. As lack of contact from your end may make him think you were just a quick flick with no intentions of anything long lasting - and if that's your intention, no need to call.
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 You should let it go. Never ask that. He doesn't HAVE to call you, he will when he feels like it. Men need time to themselves to readjust after they get really close to a woman in the early stages, so get on with your life and back off let him come to you he will when he is ready. Don't persist and don't become that needy girl that needs his reassurance 24/7. I know you say you hate this part of dating but let me tell you it won't change, dating is like this with MOST men. In time and as the relationship grows into something deeper the gaps will be less profound and his need to pull away will be less, but for the time being you have to trust that things are ok and that after he has his time to himself to reconnect with himself he will come back to you refreshed, renewed and ready to connect with you again. DON'T PANIC. There is nothing to panic about he is just being a guy. keep busy and stop thinking about it so much, go do stuff with your friends, soon enough you'll be together again. Surely you have a life of your own too?
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 redant, you wouldn't be feeling this way with the right man. The difference is startling. You can always tell when a guy's all in or not. Trust your gut instinct.
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Call the man and let him know you are interested. Do this for two reasons: Did you read the OP she already called him today, he is busy with family and doing his thing. Why would you tell her to call him again?
Author redant Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I appreciate you answer. It went ok when I called so maybe it was ok. My sister says she probably wouldn't have called. I thought he might think no. 2 so I wanted to let him know I am interested.
prettybaby Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I really wouldn't worry about it. If you honestly like this guy, you don't want to sound clingy and accusing by going "why didn't you call me?" lol Way to blow it! Just let it go. If you feel like talking to him, just call him. I'm personally not a fan of rules and all that stuff. Just follow your feelings and keep in mind he may be busy or just slower than you. As long as the amount of communication is balanced, I wouldn't worry about who initiates when.
You'reasian Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Did you read the OP she already called him today, he is busy with family and doing his thing. Why would you tell her to call him again? Follow up call.
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 redant, you wouldn't be feeling this way with the right man. The difference is startling. You can always tell when a guy's all in or not. Trust your gut instinct. Whaaat? They just spent a lot of time together over the hollidays, the guy is off with his family doing his thing doesn't call for ONE day and now he is not all in and not the right guy? Gees poor guy!!! Follow your gut? that's not following your gut that is following some needy insecurity created IN YOUR MIIND that is prompting you for reassurance from a guy 24/7 as the only way to feel secure in a relationship. He's into her he just needs time to himself, big deal.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Whaaat? They just spent a lot of time together over the hollidays, the guy is off with his family doing his thing doesn't call for ONE day and now he is not all in and not the right guy? Gees poor guy!!! Follow your gut? that's not following your gut that is following some needy insecurity created IN YOUR MIIND that is prompting you for reassurance from a guy 24/7 as the only way to feel secure in a relationship. He's into her he just needs time to himself, big deal. Maybe I'm wrong but isn't this the guy she was with before? The one who pushed for sex? The one who already feels they have differences?
EYECANDY000 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 So after you called him did it seem like he was just busy with family or that he was avoiding you?
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Maybe I'm wrong but isn't this the guy she was with before? The one who pushed for sex? The one who already feels they have differences? Oh I didn't realise you were responding to her back posts. Is this the guy that she won't have sex with but sleeps in the same bed with him and does everything but because she wants marriage? Oh brooother never mind then...... My point still stands, neediness all around going on here. EVEN moreso now that I read it's the same poster.
Author redant Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Well he backed off and things got better, I felt more comfortable with him and so we have been intimate. I think we do like each other. I am not so worried I guess I was wondering if I should not call him and wait for him to call me. I would have liked if he checked in and said hi that is all. Does that make sense? I do have my own life yes, but I am in a relationship now and it is a little different. I ask myself should I not call and be with my friends? Does he want freedom? Hard to explain, I guess I think alot.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 She needs to go about her own life, see family and friends, and let him call her. He's doing his thing and I think the OP is looking for issues that probably aren't there.
Author redant Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 EyeCandy he sounded happy to hear from me.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 How long have you been in a relationship with him? Each of you HAS to have your own life, own friends, stuff you like to do alone. You are putting alot of expectation on him. Maybe when he gets busy and is with family or friends, he doesn't want to call you up and say hi. It's nice for a day or so to go by and then you two can miss eachother. Checking in daily may not be his thing, atleast not yet.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Oh I didn't realise you were responding to her back posts. Is this the guy that she won't have sex with but sleeps in the same bed with him and does everything but because she wants marriage? Oh brooother never mind then...... My point still stands, neediness all around going on here. EVEN moreso now that I read it's the same poster. Once again, I don't know if it's the same guy. It could be a new guy. If it's the old guy, the way they interact could easily cause discomfort between them, thus causing perceived "neediness". It's human nature to cling more when you feel a partner withdrawing. It's going to be magnified if they continue with this push/pull game. You're not going to feel that way with the right signals from the right man.
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Well he backed off and things got better, I felt more comfortable with him and so we have been intimate. I think we do like each other. I am not so worried I guess I was wondering if I should not call him and wait for him to call me. I would have liked if he checked in and said hi that is all. Does that make sense? I do have my own life yes, but I am in a relationship now and it is a little different. I ask myself should I not call and be with my friends? Does he want freedom? Hard to explain, I guess I think alot. Ok this sheds a whole new light into things, ESPECIALLY after men are intimate they tend to pull away a little to recalibrate. It's totally natural I wouldn't worry about it, go on with your life and DON'T PANIC. If he pulls away for good now, BIG IF, and you find that he is being standoffish and stops making an effort then you know he was only after sex. But don't be so quick to think that yet, men are different they work at a different pace than we do. They pull away only to come back and get even closer when they do. BE COOL and stop second guessing things.
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 It's human nature to cling more when you feel a partner withdrawing. It's going to be magnified if they continue with this push/pull game. You're not going to feel that way with the right signals from the right man. I've been in both places, and I couldn't agree more.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Ok this sheds a whole new light into things, ESPECIALLY after men are intimate they tend to pull away a little to recalibrate. It's totally natural I wouldn't worry about it, go on with your life and DON'T PANIC. If he pulls away for good now, BIG IF, and you find that he is being standoffish and stops making an effort then you know he was only after sex. But don't be so quick to think that yet, men are different they work at a different pace than we do. They pull away only to come back and get even closer when they do. BE COOL and stop second guessing things. It depends on how much bad behaviour you're willing to put with, as a person. Sure, people commit at different paces but if they continue rubberbanding, they've got serious issues.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I've been in both places, and I couldn't agree more. You and me both! YAHHHHH for 2009!
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 How long have you been in a relationship with him? Each of you HAS to have your own life, own friends, stuff you like to do alone. You are putting alot of expectation on him. Maybe when he gets busy and is with family or friends, he doesn't want to call you up and say hi. It's nice for a day or so to go by and then you two can miss eachother. Checking in daily may not be his thing, atleast not yet. Totally agree with that! I think it's natural for women to become more needy when we become intimate and for the man to somewhat pull away, it is the natural shift in power that occurs when the roles switch. The woman becomes more of the pursuer and the man becomes more of the pursued, so the best thing she can do is stay the same as before until this shift settles. If you panic and get all crazy about it, you will just scare him off.
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 It depends on how much bad behaviour you're willing to put with, as a person. Sure, people commit at different paces but if they continue rubberbanding, they've got serious issues. It has nothing to do with "putting up with bad behaviour" TBF you and I have VERY different ideas of what men are about. You think real men are this figment of what you have created in your head real men to be and unless they match your "ideal" to a T they are not real men. I on the other hand I GET how "real" men behave. Real men pull away a bit after they become intimate and the power shifts, it's as simple as that, and we as women need to learn to deal with that and to keep our neediness under wraps until this period adjusts eventually if the relationship is meant to be it goes away. Desperation to get things perfect is not the key to making them perfect. Cross the bridge when it comes if he continues rubber banding, for now THEY JUST got intimate with each other, let the guy have his space and don't panic.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 It has nothing to do with "putting up with bad behaviour" TBF you and I have VERY different ideas of what men are about. You think real men are this figment of what you have created in your head real men to be and unless they match your "ideal" to a T they are not real men. I on the other hand I GET how "real" men behave. Real men pull away a bit after they become intimate and the power shifts, it's as simple as that, and we as women need to learn to deal with that and to keep our neediness under wraps until this period adjusts eventually if the relationship is meant to be it goes away. Desperation to get things perfect is not the key to making them perfect.Nah, it's just that you're willing to put up with more crap from a partner than I am. Cross the bridge when it comes if he continues rubber banding, for now THEY JUST got intimate with each other, let the guy have his space and don't panic. Same response...
Author redant Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I don't think I'm panicking and hope that I don't. I know what I want and I know I am taking a risk by getting involved with him because I could get needy, but hopefully it will all work out. That's why it would be easier if you know that you both want to get married and have kids etc. We are both old enough and that is really what I want rather than just having a good time and having sex.
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