MEN who live with their parents... a regional thing?

[Ross PK]

I think because of house prices these days that it is difficult being able to afford your own place.

 

I'm 33 and would have moved out years ago, but because of certain circumstances I've not been able to. I am trying to make progress though so I eventually can.

 

I have lived away from home before though.

[Bells]

 

Recession aside, if you can't even get a job to afford rent and you're a grown adult, you have some serious problems. But I highly value independence.

 

 

Well, we cannot discount the recession entirely, I have alot of friends that are applying for jobs left and right.

 

Have this friend that's been interviewed a few times but the arses are not calling him back to follow up...He's been calling them with "Um..so do I have the job or not?" And they can't make a decision leaving him hanging...and I've been through that issue as well.

 

The whole, "Apply for 100 job openings with no call backs" or "Getting interviewed and not being kept up to speed on their decision, leaving you hanging.

Employers are seriously taxed with 100's of applications, even saw on the news where people are lined up outside of buildings by the 100's at some job fairs.

 

So your right....we DO have serious problems, including 1000's of other laid off people trying to find work. But at least their problems are legit.

[Bells]

I noticed this trend long before the recession.

 

 

Weird thing is that I meet these 'men' in all different places and ways.

 

 

I figure that if I, a middle class single woman (without a degree, mind you), can afford to live on my own comfortably, it shouldn't be that rare in a man. I often assume that they are relying on their parents for other things that they probably shouldn't at 27 years old. Again, just my observation and opinion. I hate to make a blanket statement about everyone doing a certain thing, but it's a mindset I have trouble breaking.

 

I mean, getting a room mate is also an option. I have no qualms with that!

 

Unfortunately, some women do think that a late 20's and beyond year old man that has a roomate is still looked down upon as un-datable by some women.

 

They think He's 35 and has a roomate? ew.

[D-Jam]

I never got out of my house until I was 27. Even then I was out for 2 years, then the economy played games with me and I was home again for five years, in which I managed to finally land stable work and save up a down payment for the condo I own now.

 

Before 27, I had my usual problems with women, but I did have a girlfriend going into the time I had the apartment, and things fell apart shortly after I moved home. Since then I did have a load of trouble with dating. Many women either were still in search of a challenge they thought they could tame, but many also rejected me when they found out I lived at home...despite that I had a good job by that time and a plan for my future.

 

They simply saw it as there are plenty of single guys out there who already have condos or apartments...so they kept shopping. Seen some women like the OP who have been out, be it they were lucky in work and employment, or they struggled with multiple jobs, but they thought I was lazy and being a child. Others who had their lives a mess and thus only dated guys who had a place so they could quickly move in.

 

It's funny when I got my condo and moved out, how many women suddenly saw me as desirable. Too bad I also grew a bit cynical, jaded, and watchful. I would reject women when I could see they would have rejected me in the past when I was at home. Even funnier how many women who did reject me in the past are still single and complain how they can't find a decent man. I considered myself "decent", but more "decent with a plan in life".

 

I think with many raised European-style, things have changed. America is the only country I know of that tries to carry this idea that you should be out of your house at age 18...even if it means working 2-3 crappy jobs to pay rent. Europeans are more about staying at home, building your life, and moving out when you get married...or when you're ready to move out.

 

I know the rejections changed me. It made me more distrustful of women and thus I would start holding them up to the standards they held up to me. I think it's ridiculous for anyone to expect someone to get out of their house at 18, manage to be roommate-free by mid 20s, and then their own condo or even a home for a family by their 30s. Doesn't happen in this world. Many people don't get an easy start into a career right out of college, so it takes them longer to get established.

 

I always considered myself a "decent good man", and I'm glad my GF feels the same way too about me. Vixen, I think you should look at this topic the same way I tell women to look at height and if he's got hair or not. See the person for who he is, and ask yourself if holding that standard is helping or hindering you from meeting good men. So if you met an attractive, amazing man who has a good job, and he says he's saving up for a house while living at home...are you going to pass him up because he has goals? I'd understand if he's a 30 year old bartender who has no goals in life, but too many times the guys who stay at home longer are the FAMILY MEN. The guys who are close to their parents, and thus would make for commitment and family values.

 

Would you rather meet the guy who moved out at 18, loves his single life, and thus you find out as you date him he just wants to stay looking good and play the field?

 

Economy is bad, and I will say a pretty girl with a high school diploma can get into more office jobs than men can. You ever see a lot of male receptionists or administrative assistants? I'm not knocking women who got out at 18 and thus worked hard to be on their own. I applaud them, but if their only choices in life become the eternal bachelors with nice condos, or the good guy who's at home with a good job, savings, and a plan...then maybe the "must have his own place" might have to be a standard that should be dropped.

 

I think now I would even date a girl who lived at home provided she's got a career and is very family oriented. I wouldn't date the girl who is at home because she can't afford to move out and/or she's looking for a meal ticket.

[You'reasian]

i'm currently 29 and still at home, but i've had some medical issues. i guess i got in a comfort zone before that. Too many creature comforts. i've been doing my own laundry since high school, helping cut the yard since i was 10. after i got done with college (should have gotten more education) i was 20. I wasn't pressured to leave, I had my truck paid for, bought and paid for a motorcycle, and i was restoring a car in my parent's garage. I was paying rent, but i didn't really want an apartment, wanted a house, but kept putting off the decision to follow through. i started having some medical issues when i was 26, having trouble sleeping, then had trouble waking up. ended up getting fired, then started having seizures a few months later. I had a lot of money i cashed out of my 401k, but it went to my medical hospital bills, had to sell my motorcycle. been trying to find work, but most places see the word seizure and they pass me by. i went a year with no seizures, then started having more in 2007. so my insurance that only covers hospitalization is 200 a month, the medicine i have to take is 350 a month, then where i had to live off my credit cards. I have alot of debt, and 550 a month comes off the top of whatever i make, which won't be alot. so with the other debt, i'm still going to have to be borrowing money from my parents and don't see moving out soon i've given up on dating, who would want a damaged guy like me?

 

Which medical conditions give you seizures?

 

You kind of make me feel lucky, but at the same time, I think you can turn your situation around.

 

Don't worry about what other people think? Think about what you are going to do.

[You'reasian]

I always considered myself a "decent good man", and I'm glad my GF feels the same way too about me. Vixen, I think you should look at this topic the same way I tell women to look at height and if he's got hair or not. See the person for who he is, and ask yourself if holding that standard is helping or hindering you from meeting good men. So if you met an attractive, amazing man who has a good job, and he says he's saving up for a house while living at home...are you going to pass him up because he has goals? I'd understand if he's a 30 year old bartender who has no goals in life, but too many times the guys who stay at home longer are the FAMILY MEN. The guys who are close to their parents, and thus would make for commitment and family values.

 

Would you rather meet the guy who moved out at 18, loves his single life, and thus you find out as you date him he just wants to stay looking good and play the field?

 

Economy is bad, and I will say a pretty girl with a high school diploma can get into more office jobs than men can. You ever see a lot of male receptionists or administrative assistants? I'm not knocking women who got out at 18 and thus worked hard to be on their own. I applaud them, but if their only choices in life become the eternal bachelors with nice condos, or the good guy who's at home with a good job, savings, and a plan...then maybe the "must have his own place" might have to be a standard that should be dropped.

 

I think now I would even date a girl who lived at home provided she's got a career and is very family oriented. I wouldn't date the girl who is at home because she can't afford to move out and/or she's looking for a meal ticket.

 

There's a fundamental process behind dating that leads to a relationship.

 

It starts with an attraction.

 

That attraction has little to do with whether a man is a good, solid Family Man but rather what he is at the moment. And if the man is not what the woman requires at the moment, the potential family man doesn't get a chance.

 

The younger, less educated (or experienced) the female, the less likely she is to look for family man potential. And whose to say that every woman is even looking for a relationship who is in the dating/social scene?

 

The woman is the initial decision maker during the dating phase, since men are the initiators 99.9% of the time and depend on their approval to begin dating - so the quality of the relationship depends ultimately on whether she found traits in a man that can sustain a good relationship.

[ruggy]

I moved out of my parents home at 25 and moved to Fort Lee, NJ. Spent a few years there, then bought a house in Orangeburg. Yea, rent is/was very high in the NYC metro area. Rent was raised on me like 10% a year. Just got a house a nice price near the city. Anyways, money can be the issue for a lot of people, male of female. Considering the costs of going to work, insurance, food, utilities, rent/mortgage, unstable job market, fear can all be defining factors. Then again, I could not wait to get out of that house and be on my own. It was very important for me, but for others, it may not had been.

[carhill]

The woman is the initial decision maker during the dating phase, since men are the initiators 99.9% of the time and depend on their approval to begin dating - so the quality of the relationship depends ultimately on whether she found traits in a man that can sustain a good relationship

 

IME, I would agree. I had no/few traits women of my age group found attractive at that age (20's). I was already building a business and building my "nest" and had no interest in casual hook-ups or partying. I hung out with business colleagues twice my age. I toured a race car. I was serious about life. Like I said in my prior post, I made lousy BF material, at that age, based on the traits women of that time and generation found attractive. Living at my parent's home was a means to a goal. Now, with my mom in a dementia facility, I can walk that empty home and smile about all the great memories we made there as a family. No regrets.

[The Collector]

I moved out when I was 18. Actually I was kicked out because I was evil. But it was a good thing. I'd say get out by the time you're 20, share a flat with 20 others or live in the dumpiest dump you can afford (like I did), but leave the nest already. If you want women to see you as independent and attractive anyway.

[ruggy]

I noticed this trend long before the recession.

 

 

Weird thing is that I meet these 'men' in all different places and ways.

 

 

I figure that if I, a middle class single woman (without a degree, mind you), can afford to live on my own comfortably, it shouldn't be that rare in a man. I often assume that they are relying on their parents for other things that they probably shouldn't at 27 years old. Again, just my observation and opinion. I hate to make a blanket statement about everyone doing a certain thing, but it's a mindset I have trouble breaking.

 

I mean, getting a room mate is also an option. I have no qualms with that!

 

 

Well, to the first point, there are lots of men living on their own. All my friends are, many are married already. But, I think it is also the type of guy a woman is interested in. Rarely, except in TV, do you get the tough dirty guy that you are attracted too, and is self-supporting, etc. I guess the average guy who is what you want in theory, but not what you are looking for ascetically. That seems to be what I have been experiencing with women in their mid to late twenties.

 

However, on the other end, the men are looking for pretty, independent, and intelligent women. So, you (we, as in genders), are at a cross-roads. Most women want a certain type of man, looks, actions, attractiveness, etc. Men, for the most part (me included) look for the attractiveness first, then intelligence and independence. Many, in both genders, will not compromise, and are looking for the perfect prince or princess charming. Very hard to come by. Until the standards on both are somewhat closer to being realistic, this issue of seeking the perfect mate will continue on.

[V.Vixen]

I am so torn on my opinion on this. I most definitely don't want to discount a good man over something trivial.

 

 

It seems as though everyone is defending whatever it is that they did or are doing, so clearly there is no "right" or "wrong" way. It's a matter of preference.

 

 

 

To me, living on your own builds character.

[You'reasian]

IME, I would agree. I had no/few traits women of my age group found attractive at that age (20's). I was already building a business and building my "nest" and had no interest in casual hook-ups or partying. I hung out with business colleagues twice my age. I toured a race car. I was serious about life. Like I said in my prior post, I made lousy BF material, at that age, based on the traits women of that time and generation found attractive. Living at my parent's home was a means to a goal. Now, with my mom in a dementia facility, I can walk that empty home and smile about all the great memories we made there as a family. No regrets.

 

Awesome!

 

I'm sure there are folks who maybe terrible dating material but awesome relationship material - probably your case.

 

That's been my flavor for the past couple of years. The problem is that dating is the pre-cursor to a relationship...

 

I don't play enough games to peak women's interests and am pretty good about treating them as equals, am a decent enough communicator, but I sure as hell don't put up with games and am otherwise loyal and respectful - not exactly traits that you could brag about being "hot" lol

 

Often, I am perceived as plain and boring...... Whether that's the reality is another story lol

[V.Vixen]

Well, to the first point, there are lots of men living on their own. All my friends are, many are married already. But, I think it is also the type of guy a woman is interested in. Rarely, except in TV, do you get the tough dirty guy that you are attracted too, and is self-supporting, etc. I guess the average guy who is what you want in theory, but not what you are looking for ascetically. That seems to be what I have been experiencing with women in their mid to late twenties.

 

However, on the other end, the men are looking for pretty, independent, and intelligent women. So, you (we, as in genders), are at a cross-roads. Most women want a certain type of man, looks, actions, attractiveness, etc. Men, for the most part (me included) look for the attractiveness first, then intelligence and independence. Many, in both genders, will not compromise, and are looking for the perfect prince or princess charming. Very hard to come by. Until the standards on both are somewhat closer to being realistic, this issue of seeking the perfect mate will continue on.

 

I'm most definitely not seeking perfection. I am not perfect, and when I am with someone I am sure I don't fill every one of their standards either. A person's living situation is a pretty big thing in a relationship, IMO. I mean, after a date we can't go back to his place, can we? Nooo, not unless I want to risk mommy interrupting. It's just not something I am comfortable with. I am not used to it.

[ruggy]

Awesome!

 

I'm sure there are folks who maybe terrible dating material but awesome relationship material - probably your case.

 

That's been my flavor for the past couple of years. The problem is that dating is the pre-cursor to a relationship...

 

I don't play enough games to peak women's interests and am pretty good about treating them as equals, am a decent enough communicator, but I sure as hell don't put up with games and am otherwise loyal and respectful - not exactly traits that you could brag about being "hot" lol

 

Often, I am perceived as plain and boring...... Whether that's the reality is another story lol

 

Same here. No really good with the games. Hence, my fantabulous streak in keeping the woman interested in me for more than a few dates. We can send a person to the moon, but cannot figure out relationships... Hmm.. Makes me wonder.................

[You'reasian]

I'm most definitely not seeking perfection. I am not perfect, and when I am with someone I am sure I don't fill every one of their standards either. A person's living situation is a pretty big thing in a relationship, IMO. I mean, after a date we can't go back to his place, can we? Nooo, not unless I want to risk mommy interrupting. It's just not something I am comfortable with. I am not used to it.

 

So that begs the question do you settle or not?

 

Realistically no person will be able to "check all of the boxes."

 

From time to time, I think we want more than what we have to offer. This is not the case with everyone but sometimes it seems like this.

[You'reasian]

Same here. No really good with the games. Hence, my fantabulous streak in keeping the woman interested in me for more than a few dates. We can send a person to the moon, but cannot figure out relationships... Hmm.. Makes me wonder.................

 

I'm not too worried about my datability, cool or hot I am not

 

(PS - I was actually rated a 9.4 on hot or not...some folks must have been drunk)

 

I'm willing to exchange lack of quantity for good quality and always being true to my relationship self.

[allina]

No, a 20-something guy who still lives with his parents is not normal. I don't have any friends who still live with their parents. And it would definitely be a huge turn off for me. It would be weird to drop your date/bf off at his mom's house Just not something I'd be willing to deal with, not very masculine either. I had no idea New Jersey was expensive

[You'reasian]

No, a 20-something guy who still lives with his parents is not normal. I don't have any friends who still live with their parents. And it would definitely be a huge turn off for me. It would be weird to drop your date/bf off at his mom's house Just not something I'd be willing to deal with, not very masculine either. I had no idea New Jersey was expensive

 

I agree with you!

 

Having looked at my colleages a few years back, many of them were still living with their parents and it just seemed a little abnormal.

 

Granted people still use their home address as their permanent address, but still...

[D-Jam]

There's a fundamental process behind dating that leads to a relationship.

 

It starts with an attraction.

 

That attraction has little to do with whether a man is a good, solid Family Man but rather what he is at the moment. And if the man is not what the woman requires at the moment, the potential family man doesn't get a chance.

 

The younger, less educated (or experienced) the female, the less likely she is to look for family man potential. And whose to say that every woman is even looking for a relationship who is in the dating/social scene?

 

The woman is the initial decision maker during the dating phase, since men are the initiators 99.9% of the time and depend on their approval to begin dating - so the quality of the relationship depends ultimately on whether she found traits in a man that can sustain a good relationship.

I understand what you're saying, and you're right in a lot of it.

 

But every time I hear women complain to death "where are all the decent men???" I think about all the guys like me who were in situations like that, rejected for things like that when they probably could have been great men to those women. It's like a good woman who is constantly rejected because she won't move out til she marries, or because she doesn't put out easily.

 

I stand by my feelings on this. If someone (man or woman) wants to have a laundry list...be it short or long...they have to make sure they're not ruling out the kinds of people they would want a future with. Or else they're just playing a redundant game on themselves that makes them end up alone, jaded, and angry at the world.

 

If Vixen or women like her are meeting loads of decent good men who are on their own and such, then their standard isn't unrealistic. However, if all Vixen meets are good men who live at home or men on their own who seemingly want to stay single, promiscuous, and avoid commitment...then maybe they need to rethink that standard. Figure out if it's holding back from finding an ideal mate.

 

Yes, there must be an attraction, but too many men and women seem to think mostly of that initial moment and never really take the time to truly figure out if this person will be long-term material. I know I personally look at that with women I meet and choose to date. If I can't fathom a long term with this woman after a few dates, then I'm done.

 

If women in the past rejected me solely because I was living at home, then I'd like to see how well that standard helped them find a good man. From the looks of it, I see most of them are single and complaining how they can't find a good man.

 

Standards are only good if you can attain people like that, and if they give you a good pool of potential mates.

[allina]

I'd like to add that often the stereotype of men who live at home seems to be true. A sloppy, uneducated, lazy, can't keep a job, plays video games all night, sleeps till noon kind of guy. VERY unattractive. I think the men who are independent, on their feet and have responsibilities make better partners. Plus, I wouldn't want to settle down with a man who has never lived alone before. I don't want to take a man fresh from mom's house.

[D-Jam]

I'd like to add that often the stereotype of men who live at home seems to be true. A sloppy, uneducated, lazy, can't keep a job, plays video games all night, sleeps till noon kind of guy. VERY unattractive.

I unfortunately agree with you there. There are too many bad examples that make the responsible ones look bad. Even I as a Greek have seen too many of my own ethnicity be the typical lazy males who skip college, work in the family restaurant, act like guidos, live at home, and their moms do their laundry. I can understand why it looks unattractive to women.

 

However, I also tell guys who are in my past scenario to hold women up to those standards.

 

I think the men who are independent, on their feet and have responsibilities make better partners. Plus, I wouldn't want to settle down with a man who has never lived alone before. I don't want to take a man fresh from mom's house.

As long as you get plenty of results from that standard...meaning you're meeting attractive good men who are on their own and have relationship-potential, then it's all good.

 

That's my only point when it comes down to anyone (men or women) who have standards set.

[V.Vixen]

plus, i wouldn't want to settle down with a man who has never lived alone before. I don't want to take a man fresh from mom's house.

 

ding ding ding....

[allina]

 

However, I also tell guys who are in my past scenario to hold women up to those standards.

 

 

As long as you get plenty of results from that standard...meaning you're meeting attractive good men who are on their own and have relationship-potential, then it's all good.

 

That's my only point when it comes down to anyone (men or women) who have standards set.

 

I agree, I think women should be held to the same standard. If I was a male I would not date a woman who lived at home, didn't do anything with her life and expected her parents to pick up after her. As I said, I think a grown person who does not lead the life of a grown person, perks and responsibilities included, is not good relationship material. I apply this thought to males and females equally.

 

I moved out of my parents house at 18 to go to college, I'm 25 now. Though I hang out with my parents all the time I can't imagine living with them now. Since starting college I have met lots of great guys, it hasn't been an issue. I've always dated either fellow college students or college grads, none of whom lived at home. I live with my wonderful SO currently, and I am very glad that both of us lived alone and with roomates before moving in together

[carhill]

Yeah, those pesky males who learned to clean, cook, sew and behave like civilized gentlemen from having a good mother especially suck. Don't want that guy to spend too much time at home or he might learn too much, especially the family recipes.

 

Evolution is an interesting thing

[ruggy]

I understand what you're saying, and you're right in a lot of it.

 

But every time I hear women complain to death "where are all the decent men???" I think about all the guys like me who were in situations like that, rejected for things like that when they probably could have been great men to those women. It's like a good woman who is constantly rejected because she won't move out til she marries, or because she doesn't put out easily.

 

I stand by my feelings on this. If someone (man or woman) wants to have a laundry list...be it short or long...they have to make sure they're not ruling out the kinds of people they would want a future with. Or else they're just playing a redundant game on themselves that makes them end up alone, jaded, and angry at the world.

 

If Vixen or women like her are meeting loads of decent good men who are on their own and such, then their standard isn't unrealistic. However, if all Vixen meets are good men who live at home or men on their own who seemingly want to stay single, promiscuous, and avoid commitment...then maybe they need to rethink that standard. Figure out if it's holding back from finding an ideal mate.

 

Yes, there must be an attraction, but too many men and women seem to think mostly of that initial moment and never really take the time to truly figure out if this person will be long-term material. I know I personally look at that with women I meet and choose to date. If I can't fathom a long term with this woman after a few dates, then I'm done.

 

If women in the past rejected me solely because I was living at home, then I'd like to see how well that standard helped them find a good man. From the looks of it, I see most of them are single and complaining how they can't find a good man.

 

Standards are only good if you can attain people like that, and if they give you a good pool of potential mates.

 

Very true, but alas, every girl that I seemed to date, an I shoot for the late 20's with a career and such seem to look for that instant chemistry click on all levels. When I tell them, compromise is the key for both people, I get back this is what I am looking for and this is what I want. Yet, six months later, they are still single and doing whatever. Hmm, very weird. I tend not to shoot for the very attractive girls, mostly average. Still, the same thing. Now, shooting for 30 and above. Struck out twice so far.. NY/NJ women seem to want it all, and will not settle for less.. In my opinion.