JackJack Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I don't see where anyone has been disrespectful to you. Are you saying people telling you things you don't want to hear is disrespectful? I see where people have given you some advice and things to try. I don't see where you have really acknowledged much of what anyone has said. I see more you feeling justified in what you're doing. You say you want help, well what are you wanting people to help you with? They have given you suggestions and options, so now its your turn on what you feel you need to do. You are way more preoccupied with how this other guy has changed etc, than working on yourself and marriage. Its pretty clear cut, IF you want to work on your marriage, drop the other guy. If you do NOT want to work on your marriage, drop your husband and set him free.
atwitsend Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 JackJack, Geisha She is a complete cake eater. Loves her husband, F**ks her boyfriend. She has no concept of what love is.
LavendarGirl Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I don't give your marriage a bit of chance of surviving because you take absolutely no ownership of your mistakes in your current situation. Instead you put all the blame on your H and also spread the blame to the man you've been carrying an A with over the last 8 years. You call your H your soulmate, and yet you have no redeeming, positive things to say about him. Are you both so spiritually bankrupt that you two are meant for each other? Is that what you really feel? You need to end this thing with this other man, find an IC to work out your own issues, and then take a good, honest look at your M and decide if it's worth trying to fix things or not. You have a long path ahead of you. Best of luck. --LG.
torranceshipman Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 See, this is what is wrong with the whole concept of marriage-to make a lifelong commitment to someone isnt always natural (in terms of maintaining chemistry, being monogamous, etc). Married people who post here often blame lack of chemistry and lack of interest in a M on one spouse cheating, and so on - as if you should hold on to the M at all costs and that you should work and work and work at these thinghs and keep up some semblance of 'this is ok' - and that people are in an 'affair fog' because the simple explanation (lost the romantic love and the affair partner is genuinely more compatible to the person than the spouse-people change a lot over their lives!) cant possibly be true! But it can indeed be that simple and an affair can often be a result of the love and passion having died than the cause of it. Being single, I at least have the luxury of never having to do this...I can genuinely walk away if I know the magic and chemistry and romance has simply disappeared from a R, rather than feeling I have to put up with it and try to rediscover some kind of romance or passion that blatantly died a LONG time ago. I feel sorry for anyone stuck in a M where they are actually physically turned off by their partner, as I understand that divorcing sounds like a huge scary life change - but its really worth it. You'd have a whole new life waiting for you and your spouse would be free to meet someone that thinks he's the hottest guy in town! So after the initial pain youd both have much happier lives. Some people will stay M forever because, despite hard times, they really are the love of each others lives and obviously there are many situations where I think spouses should really fight for a M - but this is not the case with this poster...why should she try and save something that to be blunt, isnt worth saving? Whats the point? In this case I think 100% the chemistry and passion disappeared many, many years ago - both have cheated and this woman is now with a man with whom the idea of sex is quite repellent to her. How hideous - why stay in a situation like this and completely waste your life? My advice is to just leave. Tell the guy you love him, but there is no romantic passionate love left, then file for divorce and both of you can start a new life.
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 See, this is what is wrong with the whole concept of marriage-to make a lifelong commitment to someone isnt always natural (in terms of maintaining chemistry, being monogamous, etc). Actually, it isn't EVER natural. Married people who post here often blame lack of chemistry and lack of interest in a M on one spouse cheating, and so on - as if you should hold on to the M at all costs and that you should work and work and work at these thinghs and keep up some semblance of 'this is ok' - and that people are in an 'affair fog' because the simple explanation (lost the romantic love and the affair partner is genuinely more compatible to the person than the spouse-people change a lot over their lives!) cant possibly be true! But it can indeed be that simple and an affair can often be a result of the love and passion having died than the cause of it. Monogamy isn't a human trait. It's a human-imposed trait. Being single, I at least have the luxury of never having to do this...I can genuinely walk away if I know the magic and chemistry and romance has simply disappeared from a R, rather than feeling I have to put up with it and try to rediscover some kind of romance or passion that blatantly died a LONG time ago. I feel sorry for anyone stuck in a M where they are actually physically turned off by their partner, as I understand that divorcing sounds like a huge scary life change - but its really worth it. You'd have a whole new life waiting for you and your spouse would be free to meet someone that thinks he's the hottest guy in town! So after the initial pain youd both have much happier lives. You are so right. but do people do it this way? Almost never. Some people will stay M forever because, despite hard times, they really are the love of each others lives and obviously there are many situations where I think spouses should really fight for a M Name one. - but this is not the case with this poster...why should she try and save something that to be blunt, isnt worth saving? Whats the point?none at all, I completely agree. She should have done the honourable thing and ended her marriage before thinking of balling some other guy. As I have told my partner, if he were to have an affair, I wouldn't be surprised or hurt by that. I'd be angry because he lied, and couldn't keep a promise. if you can't keep your word, or it looks dangerously as if you're on track to break it - do so decently and honourably.
torranceshipman Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Good post GeishaWhelk, I'm happy that you agree! I am also in agreement about what you told your spouse about the lying being the worst thing. As regards times when a M should be fought for...I can't think of too many, but I'd say maybe when there is a financial disaster and the strain is really major on the M, or if there is a lot of distance (i.e. requirement for an LDR for a period of time) ad the couple feel a lot of stress and pressure at being apart for months, or if there is long term sickness or bereavement when grief can sometimes make a usually loving spouse withdraw and pull away from/reject the other spouse for a period of time (as is quite natural, so I've heard, and can lead to a temporary break up)...I think it is worth fighting in these types of situations... Now when there are A's, or tragic mid life crises, a blatant lack of respect, abuse, complete death of any type of chemistry and romance, etc - RUN don't walk away and D immediately
Author msunhappy Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 i see many have had much to say about what is going on in my life . Well we i mean me and my husband did speak i did tell him about the fact that i felt bad for not being able to have sex with him . and that i did want to give things a go for real . now you may all sit back and say yeah yeah but no i mean it. you see the thing is i still say that you dont really know me and never will and dont know the kind of life me and my hubby have had no i dont want to say get the tissues out i just mean that there was i point we were strong in every way that two people can be we went through alot yes we both did wrong at some point and yes i forgive him not because i am weak because i loved him and seen beyond the wrong he did . Now when it came to me doing the wrong yes i agree 8 years is along time to be playing away but that was and is the case up until last night i called mr side guy up and said i could not do it anymore and please take it as that from then we were over his wife is having there first child i told him to please make it work at home we will be friend but from a distance he,s moving out of town soon so guess it a good thing
Author msunhappy Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Oh p,s THERE ARE NO SECRETS TO SUCCESS SO DONT WASTE TIME LOOKING FOR THEM SUCCESS IS THE RESULT OF PREFECTION HARD WORK AND LEARNING FROM YOUR MISTAKES AND FAILURES SO WITH ALL THIS IN MIND I WILL LEARN THE ART OF LOSING IS NOT HARD TO MASTER AS SO MANY THINGS SEEM FILLED WITH THE INTENT TO BE LOST THAT THERE LOSS IS NO GREAT DISASTER BUT WITH A RENEWED HOPE WHAT WAS ONCE LOST CAN BE FOUND IN TIME
Geishawhelk Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 As regards times when a M should be fought for...I can't think of too many, but I'd say maybe when there is a financial disaster and the strain is really major on the M, or if there is a lot of distance (i.e. requirement for an LDR for a period of time) ad the couple feel a lot of stress and pressure at being apart for months, or if there is long term sickness or bereavement when grief can sometimes make a usually loving spouse withdraw and pull away from/reject the other spouse for a period of time (as is quite natural, so I've heard, and can lead to a temporary break up)...I think it is worth fighting in these types of situations... Yup gotcha on those, I see your points. Of course, the feelings must be mutual. The fight is only worth it when both are pulling in the same direction, yeah? If you're pulling apart, then the circumstances become irrelevant, although they're often cited as excuses for why things HAVEN'T worked out. When really, the bottom line is, their heart wasn't into the effort. If one person is determined to end it, then the reasons don't matter. Ain't nuthin' gonna keep that little lot from falling down.
anne1707 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Well we i mean me and my husband did speak i did tell him about the fact that i felt bad for not being able to have sex with him . and that i did want to give things a go for real . now you may all sit back and say yeah yeah but no i mean it. I do feel very bad for the affair but i cant break his heart big bad me gut,les many may say. but i cant destroy him he could not handle the truth. So have you or have you not told your husband about your affair? For your marriage to work, and to be fair to your husband, he needs to be told.
wuggle Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 If I'm reading this correctly you have ended your affair but NOT told your husband, as you think this will hurt him to much. Good luck (no sarcasm intended). I mean that. You have chosen a very difficult path (you only have to answer to yourself if you have done the right thing). If you are going to try to mend your marriage without total honesty then you will always have to be vigilant. In years to come in arguments etc your subconscious may 'leak' information about the affair to hurt him. Are you really strong enough to always control your subconscious ? you will also at some stage have to acknowledge that you have made mistakes and then learn to forgive yourself for them, all without your husand knowing. As well as dealing with all these issues you are going to have to put lots of effort into your marriage. Total honesty seems to be best for most people but for a very small few, those who have amzing willpower, clarity of thought and ability to control thier innermost thoughts and feelings your chosen path can work. I will be honest, from what I have read I don't think this is the best course of action but only you know for sure. I hope it works out for you.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Sick degenerate cheaters often lose their way...you need to fess up darling, me thinks if you do, you won't have to worry about having sex with him anymore (wait for it, it's coming) because he will dump you for being the ditch pig of a woman you are...(many thanks to dexter for the "ditch pig" label) Sorry, I cannot take credit for the "ditch pig" label, someone else here used that and I just liked it. But yes, it is a good one, eh?
wuggle Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Sorry if I seem like an ar*e but how is calling someone 'ditch pig' helpful ?? most of us on this site have cocked up in one way or another, so please let's be a little more civilised, you've never even met the person and there isn't enough info on here yet to support that tag
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 if i know i am going to see the other guy i love taking the time to dress and the whole forbidden thing sends butterflys inside then if it was my husband there would be no effort no spark if you get me You could do that for your husband if you chose to. I sense some built up hostility towards your husband. How does he treat you? but it always end back up at the start, smooth over the cracks if you like but no matter how much you cover them cracks aways show through how do you tell someone you have been cheating for 8 years it would destroy him and if i dont tell how do you move on without telling the truth No, it would not destroy him. The pain is temporary. I feel that the reason you will not tell him is because you are afraid he would move on. You fear that his feelings for you would change, and you need him because no other man has true feelings for you. when he see,s me its just me he see,s at home i am just the mother wife and cleaner alot of women loose there true self with all the roles they play and there almost taken for granted so sorry for wanting to feel alive and enjoy the forbidden i know things aint right i do want to change really i do but how without hurting the one you love LOVE i hear you say but yes love You are projecting your own thoughts and feelings on your husband. You don't really know how he sees you! There are so many other ways for you to "feel alive" to enjoy life. Yet you choose the one that degrades you, that leaves your self esteem drained and empty. The one that makes you feel ugly when you look at yourself in the mirror. Why? Where is your self worth? Well we i mean me and my husband did speak i did tell him about the fact that i felt bad for not being able to have sex with him . and that i did want to give things a go for real . now you may all sit back and say yeah yeah but no i mean it. I am glad that you want to work things out. However, I would suggest some type of professional therapy! I believe that you have issues that go way beyond the situation at hand, and you should seek outside assistance in working through them. It may be the best descision of your life!
Author msunhappy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Well thank you to all who have given help and advice . Its nice to know that there are many out there willing to take the time to be nice un-like ATSWITEND I THINK YHIS PERSON REALLY NEEDS HELP HOW DARE YOU CALL ME WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE SITTING ON THE NET IN THIS ROOM PRE JUDGE,IN ME WHAT HAPPENED SOMEONE SCREW YOU OVER I WOULD SAY SHAME BUT DONT THINK SO AND FOR ALL THE NAMES YOU CALLED ME BACK TO YOU AND YOUR MOM YES i made mistakes no i aint prefect but i dont sit here reading others problems and making bad comments about people i never met unlike you GROW UP AND PIPE DOWN EVERYONE ELSE THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR WISDOM HELP AND KIND WORDS AND MAKING ME SEE A LIL BETTER WHAT REALLY MATTERED
ella23 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 How long have you been married? I agree with untouchable fire. Professional therapy will help you, but first tell your husband if you haven't yet.
LovieDove24 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Do you think some of the problem may have to do with the fact that you don't use periods or indents in your writing and your lovers have no idea where to stop or start? HA this made me laugh :laugh:
Author msunhappy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 married for 19 years thanks for asking, and now getting on with married life and putting the past behind
anne1707 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I'm unclear on this. Have you told your husband about your affair?
Dexter Morgan Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 as for the side guy well he is just sex i can handle that i quite enjoy having sex with him it makes me feel alive. then get a divorce so you can have all the sex you want with other men. Set your husband free from you.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 EVERYONE ELSE THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR WISDOM HELP AND KIND WORDS AND MAKING ME SEE A LIL BETTER WHAT REALLY MATTERED So what does really matter then? I was rather hoping we'd do somewhat better than aking you see just a "lil better"....... And yes, for goodness' sake, please try to use punctuation. Your posts are very difficult to read and follow.
Author msunhappy Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 No i did and have not told the hubby about the affair. The side guy has been let go so i can make a mends with my married life and thats it really
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 No i did and have not told the hubby about the affair. The side guy has been let go so i can make a mends with my married life and thats it really Realize that all the same issues are still there. So far nothing has changed.
anne1707 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 No i did and have not told the hubby about the affair. The side guy has been let go so i can make a mends with my married life and thats it really You cannot mend your marriage unless your husband knows the full story. You are still lying to him. He needs to know and, if he chooses to stay, you must start MC.
seibert253 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Ladies and Gentlemen I think what she's looking for here is for us to tell her it's OK for her to fulfill her selfishness by cheating on the man she swore to be faithful to. Guess what, you're not going to get that here. If you really want to put it in prospective, try putting the shoe on the other foot. What if you were the faithful wife and your husband was the one having an affair for the last 8 years or whatever. How would you feel? EVERY marriage hits a bump in the road somewhere between 8 and 12 years. Think about it, same thing day after day, gets rather boring. You wanted a spark, the problem is that instead of injecting a spark with your husband, you choose for someone else to do the injecting. (pun intended). Your lover is also married? Does he truly love you and intend to leave his wife and family? If not, then you're just exercise my friend. Since the affair's been continuing for such a long time, I don't see him leaving his wife anytime soon. If he intended that, it would have already happened. I see only three solutions here, actually two are solutions, the first leads to destruction. 1. Continue your current path until either your husband or your MM's wife finds out. Either way you'll probably end up out of your home, divorced, and alone. 2. Sit down and tell your husband everything, and hope he forgives you. Then you can try to repair what you broke so many years ago. 3. Leave your husband and home, and continue to hope your MM decides to throw his life away for you. Choose carfully, because before you know it, the 1st option will catch up with you.
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