msunhappy Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 i have been with my husband for 17 years and i love him but hate the sex side of things what do i do leave him and call it a day or get help because i feel bad beacause i keep rejecting sex with him to the point we dont even speak some days i hate the fact i hurt him but i know i cant go on like this
sally4sara Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Why do you hate sex with him? Do you know if it is just sex with him or is it sex in general? Was it always this way? Need more info please. I understand growing to hate something you once enjoyed because of feeling betrayed by your partner in some way. I understand possibly growing unattracted to a large amount of weight gain or if he has stopped caring about grooming habits over the years.... What happened?
Author msunhappy Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 The thing is when i was younger i loved him so much we could not bare to be apart over the years i have grown away from him because the spark is not there like it used to be for the last 8 years i have been seeing someone else and that person is married and gives me the spark i need but now that seems to have its trouble to its because we wind each other up by text saying what we would like to do to each other that when we see each other sparks do fly but of late the sex has turned out quite bad he has made me feel low the sex has turned to a nasty kind he expects me to do things for him he get off being in control at first it was fine i liked pleasing him but now i walk away feeling cheap but i have never told him now when it comes to the hubby he aint like that but sex with him is like a chore but i do love him so much i wish i could forget the secret one and get on but i cant and i dont think he can me hence the 8 years but it aint fair on the hubby i wish i could learn to love him again and make a mends as i think he is my soul mate i guess you would ask if he is why do i do this to him
Tony T Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 The thing is when i was younger i loved him so much we could not bare to be apart over the years i have grown away from him because the spark is not there like it used to be for the last 8 years i have been seeing someone else and that person is married and gives me the spark i need but now that seems to have its trouble to its because we wind each other up by text saying what we would like to do to each other that when we see each other sparks do fly but of late the sex has turned out quite bad he has made me feel low the sex has turned to a nasty kind he expects me to do things for him he get off being in control at first it was fine i liked pleasing him but now i walk away feeling cheap but i have never told him now when it comes to the hubby he aint like that but sex with him is like a chore but i do love him so much i wish i could forget the secret one and get on but i cant and i dont think he can me hence the 8 years but it aint fair on the hubby i wish i could learn to love him again and make a mends as i think he is my soul mate i guess you would ask if he is why do i do this to him Do you think some of the problem may have to do with the fact that you don't use periods or indents in your writing and your lovers have no idea where to stop or start?
Author msunhappy Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 whta do you mean ?. little confused about the stopping and starting ??????????.
spookie Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Hm maybe you could stop cheating just a thought.
Author msunhappy Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 if it was that easy i would not be here asking for advice from people in the same boat . Well to a point anyway not being nasty just need to talk to someone who wont pre-judge
blair08 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 How about taking the time and energy you're putting into this married guy and put that into your marriage. You say you and this married guy text each other, why not text your husband and tell him what you'd like to do to him and vice versa like you do this other guy? Maybe that would rekindle that spark you say is no longer there. If you want to work on the marriage with your husband, you need to drop this other married guy and maybe you and your husband can seek some marriage counseling.
lovingalways Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 You can't sit on two chairs at once. Some day, both of them will move and you will fall straight on your @$$ and you won't have neither of them. So, if you want to work on your marriage, you need to drop the married guy. He's probably not getting what he wants from his wife (which is probably sex) so he's looking for it somewhere else and that is you. He's using you (IMO). So, show him the door and then do what blair said.
Author msunhappy Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Well when it comes to dropping the married guy i have tried before and always wind back up there its like a drug sad i know. i have tried to spice things up with my hubby only it dont work its like how can i put this ? if i know i am going to see the other guy i love taking the time to dress and the whole forbidden thing sends butterflys inside then if it was my husband there would be no effort no spark if you get me but i know the way things are going i will have to end the side guy too because i hate the way he has become i no his wife does not do what i do for him and i know he would never try the things we do with her but sex to him is control of me and pushing the boundries to do things i can handle but dont feel quite comfortable with and i would love to able to feel the same way toward my hubby the sparks i feel with mr side guy but how to go about i dont know how theres 8 years worth of in between what you read here in just a few short threads
JackJack Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Have you told your husband how you feel? Has he tried to help with the spark? Cheating is a selfish act. Stop thinking of your needs only and figure out how you and your husband can reconnect if its what you want, you can't do that with another man in the picture. OR.............. If you do not want to work things out with your husband then do him a favor, and cut him lose, and cut the married man lose as well. Try to fix yourself and figure out what you really want first.
Author msunhappy Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Many thanks for all the replys well i have tried to talk to my husband about the way i feel but am afraid to say to much because you cant take back things once said. i have nearly let my husband go before but we got through it with talking .but it always end back up at the start, smooth over the cracks if you like but no matter how much you cover them cracks aways show through how do you tell someone you have been cheating for 8 years it would destroy him and if i dont tell how do you move on without telling the truth
Bryanp Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I am just curious but how would you feel if your husband was doing to you for the past 8 years what you have been doing to him? You say you love your husband so much but for the past 8 years you have been betraying him and putting his health at risk for STD's? What do you think your husband's reaction would be if and when he finds out. Do you think he would divorce you? How have you been able to fool your husband for the past 8 years? Imagine your husband finding out and divorcing you. Is this what you really want? Your lover humiliates and degrades you and then you return to your husband who you say you love. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. You actions show that you have no respect whatsoever for your husband and are playing him for a fool. Does he really deserve such behavior by you? Would you want him to do this to you? Your story is so very sad for you and your poor husband.
wuggle Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 IMO you should tell your husband that you have been having an affair for 8 years and let him decide what to do then. Yes it will be bloody horrible for him, but it sounds like you have conversations with him and discuss the problems with your marriage and he is advising that you 'smooth over the cracks' - what else is he supposed to do, either he is staying with you because he still loves you or because it is comfortable, either way he doesn't have all the information he needs to make proper decisions and probably can't understand why your marriage is so bad. Before you do tell him though I advise you to think what you actually want in the long run. You say early on that you think your husband is your soul mate and later on that your affair is making you feel like a cheap whore. It sounds like you (thats both of you not just you) have done what so many of us have, you lost sight of the reasons you fell in love and got married, you let life get a bit dull and comfortable, and left yourself open to flattery and excitment that an affair partner offered. In your case it also sounds like the affair has run it's natural course and you are now starting to see that your affair partner is only using you for sex and doesn't respect or love you. Make a choice. It is possible to end the affair, not tell your husband, and put a lot of effort into making the marriage better but from what you have written I don't think you would be able to do this well so suggest you tell H all. It will hurt him beyond words and he may leave you, but at least it will be his desicion based on all the facts. If you do tell H , please try to do it well. Maybe ask for advice on how before you do, some of the things I have seen recommended on here seem to make sense, leave plenty of time for discussions, be totally honest (don't lie to spare his feelings), don't get angry expect confusion and anger (or not) from him etc.
Author msunhappy Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Well maybe the direct note is best and maybe what you say is true that he would not touch me but you see what i am doing now is only what he did to me in the past . and i know two wrongs dont make right as for the side guy well he is just sex i can handle that i quite enjoy having sex with him it makes me feel alive. its just a few things have changed he likes to control me he never used to be like this before why i am unsure when he see,s me its just me he see,s at home i am just the mother wife and cleaner alot of women loose there true self with all the roles they play and there almost taken for granted so sorry for wanting to feel alive and enjoy the forbidden i know things aint right i do want to change really i do but how without hurting the one you love LOVE i hear you say but yes love
LostNLonely Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 The reason you don't want sex with your husband is because in your sick adulterous world. You want to be faithful to the guy your cheating with. isn't that hilarious. Again, sick! Regarding the other fellow. You are only getting what you deserve. And that is to debase yourself in the worst ways. Basically he is treating you like a $2.00 whore. Which is pretty much what you have become. Tell us how it feels to be used in the most degrading ways? What do you see in the mirror? Your husband asks for sex and you don't want to give it to him. I'll bet if he knew about you and your friend, he wouldn't want to touch you with a ten foot pole. Skank Sick degenerate cheaters often lose their way...you need to fess up darling, me thinks if you do, you won't have to worry about having sex with him anymore (wait for it, it's coming) because he will dump you for being the ditch pig of a woman you are...(many thanks to dexter for the "ditch pig" label)
Geishawhelk Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 whta do you mean ?. little confused about the stopping and starting ??????????. Your punctuation and paragraphs are really hard to read. We can't tell where one sentence stops. And the next one starts. Bcause you don't use Full stops. Commas,, ,,, , ,,, and CAPITAL LETTERS. Oh, and you are going to have to get used to taking a lot of flak and criticism because an awful lot of people have been cheated on by their wives/husbands and - They don't like that. What you are doing is dishonest, hurtful, and selfish. By all means have fun, but not at someone else's expense. There's nothing wrong with saleeping around. Bt there is the small matter of the Fidelity you promised your husband. if you can't keep the promise, get out of the marriage and let your husband find someone who will love him and respect him better - a lot better - than you are doing at the moment. Full stop.
wuggle Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I dont think you can sort this out without hurting the one you love (your husband). Maybe it is just a matter of degrees. At least if you have to hurt him you could both finally have some honesty. Have you considered that you having an affair is linked with his in the past, Thought about MC to try to find out why your both having affairs ?
Author msunhappy Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Yes i can see there is alot of people on here who are hurt by what there partners have done to them and i am sorry for them . But the its not like i have not had it done to me , i know that two wrongs dont make right, but i was the ever faithful wife who stayed at home bringing up the children and looked after everything until i found out about his goings on and grew tried . And yes my side guy maybe using me but aint i doing the same to him, only he gets more out because men always love to be in control dont they, and how do i know well after being abused for most of my life by not one but four men i think i can say that, so sorry for wanting someone to want me i dont care what people think let people think what they want they dont know me to pass judgement Just because i found someone who gave me a breath of fresh air made me feel alive when all else had gone in my sad life yes sad life i just dont like the change in him that all and yes maybe i will drop him sooner rather than later
anne1707 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I thought you were posting here initially because of problems with your husband but it sounds as if you are more concerned about the problems with your other man. In that case, leave your husband. Now. Let your husband have a life with a woman who really loves him. And as Geishawhelk said - some punctuation would really help.
Author msunhappy Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 I am posting on here because i want help. but i feel as if i am going in round abouts on here taking SH**T off people who really dont have a clue or know the half. And aint going to understand no dis-respect to those who have been nice but i guess the truth is i will tell him and break is heart destroy his world drop the side guy stop using him like him me and go back to being miss no-body bring up my kids and stay behind closed doors
anne1707 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Wow! Some attitude! The people on LS know all about your kind of story - many of us have been involved in affairs. Some as the the unfaithful spouse and others as the betrayed. So sorry but we do have a clue. We know the lies, the pain, the c**p that you are coming out with here and thinking you are the victim because we are telling you things you do not agree with. It's time for you to wise up to what you are doing and accept responsibility for your actions. Stop blaming others. You are the one having the affair. You are the one doing wrong by your husband.
atwitsend Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 i dont care what people think let people think what they want they dont know me to pass judgement Just because i found someone who gave me a breath of fresh air made me feel alive when all else had gone in my sad life yes sad life i just dont like the change in him that all and yes maybe i will drop him sooner rather than later The point is, is that we don't have to know you. Now read this carefully. If someone described the kind of life your leading, as a married woman they do not need to know anything else about you to come to the conclusion that you are a morally bankrupt slut. When you said you were betrayed. How did you deal with it? Did you have self respect? Did you have integrity? Did you esteem yourself enough to say that I deserve better? No. You decided jump into the filth and live in it. You have compromised everything good in your life. You live a lie. Your marriage is a lie. And your husband is a cuckold. You are so tainted that the only real complaint you have about what you do. Is that the man you do it with treats you like trash and degrades you and makes you do disgusting things. One question. Is anything that I have written here, in anyway misrepresented you? I am not talking about your reasons (excuses). I am talking about whether your character and life style have be described accurately.
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 No, not necessarily. Your choice is to end the marriage because you've made it a total sham with your lies and deceit. People in Love don't do that to people they Love. You're disrespectful and dishonest. Tell me where in any of your actions you've actaully demonstrated any love and respect for your H. And if you're going to tell me that it's been by hiding it from him and not telling him - that's cr*p, because the only reason you haven't told him, is because you don't want to be found out. How would he feel if you told him? pretty bad, huh? How would he feel if he found out on his own? pretty bad, huh? So - where's the difference?
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