Jen-Smitty Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 My name is Jen and on December 26th, my husband decided he wanted to move out. For me was a shock, we had been getting along for the most part, and just 2 weeks before that...we had got into a fight. He had gotten mad at me, when I came home from work and said the wrong thing. Our daughter was crying in the high chair so I went and picked her up and came into the living room and asked if he had tried to feed her. In his mind he took that as me saying he wasn't a good dad. He got extremely mad and didn't talk to me for the rest of the night. Then the next day when I came home from work..he grabbed my hand and sat me down...he said I want to apologize for getting angry, and I took out my bad day on you. Then the next thing he said kills me to this day...."I wanted to make sure you knew I was sorry and want you to know I love you and I don't want you to ever think I don't want to be married to you. I want to be a family with you and the kids." So since then things have been fine...no fights...no tension. My Birthday was good...Christmas was good. He works nights and even came home early from work to spend time with me Christmas night. Then December 26th he tells me he is going to do up skiing. He texted me at 11:30 am to tell me sorry about a work problem I had...and that he loved me. That was the last time I heard from him that day. He was supposed to be home at 7 that night. So when 1 am rolled around I called the ski mountain emergency number..cause as a wife I thought my worst fear of him wrecking while on the mountian was confirmed. I had called him over and over no answer. When the ski patrol couldn't find him...they told me it would be a good idea to call the sherriff so they could send an alert out for a possible missing person. So I did and they asked me the name of everyone I could think of he knew. Finally at 6:40 am they found him and I got a text that said I'm fine, and I'm not coming home. Then the officer called me and said he had stated to her...that he had decided to seperate from me. My world fell apart..just 24 hours before everything was fine. He said he wanted to be able to do things he wanted. Snowboarding made him realize he can't do everything he wants....He wasn't sure what he wanted out of life...Through more conversation with my husband....he was with a girl and guy. Not sure if cheating occurred, but I do know he held the girls hand. I did find out 2 months before this he kissed a girl I never knew about. Which in itself was not what I wanted to know. Here I am...lost and hurt. We started Marriage counseling awhile ago, and things seemed to be getting better. I was getting into all his interest...which was his number one complaint is I never got into his interests or let him do those things...So I started working on his car with him...learning football and getting tickets for BSU football games...Focusing on his needs...making sure to ask about his day and make small talk with him. All these things he wanted me to do....but I still knew we still had a road left to travel...Then this week on New Years Eve...he came over and was really nice...said he missed me and hugged me. Kept saying it felt so good to hold me...and that he wanted to start slow and "date me" he didn't want to file any legal papers yet. Well when he took out the trash and I followed to take his laundry back to his car...when I went outside he was listening to his voicemail on speaker phone...when he saw me he eagerly hung up the phone..so I said sorry you didn't have to hung up or take it off speaker phone cause I can go back inside...then he got mad and said that he felt like I was accusing him of doing something...I tried telling him I wasn't and sorry it came off that way..then he all the sudden wanted to leave and said I mad him upset, and that he felt like we just took steps backwards...Sorry such a long read...but I'm so confused and hurt. I feel like I should just ignore him and his calls, and just take time to heal myself. It's just hard cause these last 2 days were amazing...he had never hugged or held me that tight before. I just feel stupid..and know I should know what to do.....
Gunny376 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I feel like I should just ignore him and his calls, and just take time to heal myself. That's exactlly what you should do. Your making all the concessions and doing all the work trying to save the marriage, and he's a lying, cheating, whoring, two-timing, selfish, self-centered, immature little boy that needs to grow up and shoulder the responsiblities of a husband, a father, and a man.
mendsley Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Hey Jen so it is my turn to respond Well from my experiences something tells me other women are in the picture. For me I had NO idea my wife was seeing another man and after posting here poeple mentioned it and I thought BS, she would never, not to me! Well one day I felt this gut feeling to figure out here email password and do some snooping, not proud of that but I still did it. Sure enough there were some pretty nasty things going on. So do not over look that possibility, and make sure you do not accuse him of it unless you KNOW its going on. You will be going up and down during this horrible time, but make sure you excercise, eat well, sleep well, and talk to friends and family as often as possible. You will have to decide one day the outcome of YOUR future, I am having a problem with that as you know, but deep inside I am realizing that is up to me to make the final decision. I would be carefull with the the way he is acting, he may be stringing you along to keep you in his pocket until another women who he feels is better and you will be there if all else fails. Hang in there and know this site WILL help, talk to you later- MIKE
teerockness Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 It was little tough to read through your thread - in the future, use line breaks / paragraphs. You'll get more responses. Anyway, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know the feeling you're having - the hopelessness, the fear, loss of control. Control is the key word here. He's more or less taken it from you, by suddenly moving out, pulling a disappearing act. It reminds me of a child acting out - he's trying to get your attention, manipulate you in a negative way. I and others here will generally give the advice that groveling, pleading, trying to change your behavior to suit your wayward partner is not a recipe for success. It's essentially a one-way cease-fire - it doesn't work. This type of pattern tends to drag out over the course of months - the wayward partner will start to "gaslight" the more interested partner using manipulative behavior. The cellphone act you describes seems like something along those lines. In any case, stay strong and protect yourself. I see you have a daughter and that's so different from my situation I'm going to hold back from giving any other advice.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Then the next day when I came home from work..he grabbed my hand and sat me down...he said I want to apologize for getting angry, and I took out my bad day on you. Then the next thing he said kills me to this day...."I wanted to make sure you knew I was sorry and want you to know I love you and I don't want you to ever think I don't want to be married to you. I want to be a family with you and the kids." This is the external outcome of the internal process of trying to balance his feelings for you/family and OW. He's been seeing someone else and probably for a few months at the very least, and certainly to a much greater extent than you think. She must have been putting the "when are you going to leave your wife" pressure on him. You can try to win him back with all the nice and attentive behavior in the world, and it still won't stop there from being an OW on the other end trying just as hard. Until that is out in the open, there really isn't any point in trying to do much. Everything changes once things are out in the open and the affair has been established. A good deal of MM do the disappearing act like that, and suddenly there is a "new" girlfriend in the picture. It doesn't fool anyone looking in from the outside. It never has and it never will. Don't let it fool you.
Author Jen-Smitty Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Thank you for your advice...I have never felt this lost. I have come to realize in the last few days...that I know he doesn't love me anymore. I went to dinner with friends...who one of them happens to work with the girl in question my husband was messing around with. The friend told me this girl confirmed they did mess around..no sex, but hands in places. That my husband has been trying to see to be in a relationship with her. What kills me is this girl knows me, and a week before all this happened she knew we were together. I guess that doesn't really matter to anyone these days. He seems to think I have held him back from doing everything he wanted to do in life. I know he will never admit to doing anything other then holding hands with this girl. Why does everyone always think the grass is greener on the other side? I know he doesn't know what I'm going through nor does it matter. All he is worried about it is finding out which new girl will make him happy. It's like I never existed. I'm extremely embarassed as I am friends with people he works with. This girl he messed around with works under him. I look so foolish, they all knew and I was the wife who had no idea what was going on. It all doesn't matter much as there is nothing I can do about any of it. I can't save my marriage, I can't take the hurt away, I can't make the affair disappear.
pelicanpreacher Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 You should first tap your phones and install a keylogger on your computer then give him enough rope to hang himself by making yourself conveniently absent so he'll let his guard down and make a mistake with the traps you baited. Once you confirm the worst keep quiet and begin surveying his immediate supervisors to determine a suitable candidate for seduction. Make a point to go to his workplace and ignore him to openly chat it up with your target. This will have a two-fold effect of humilliating him at the job while also distracting him from his pursuits of the OW. When he confronts you with what you are doing then spring the trap by letting him know that you have evidence of the phone calls you made to her and the IM's and emails you copied. Let him know that if he persists in disgracing the marriage you will go all out to make sure he is the laughing stock of the office! Even if he quits and goes somewhere else you'll keep doing the same thing wherever he's employed until he gets his head out of his @zz that he will not treat you any way he pleases! Then tell him to get out of your face and throw his temper tantrum in the snow. Be the woman scorned and show him the hell he'll have to pay!
MrFymie Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Hey Jen, allow me to let you know my thoughts as a male who has been where your partner is right now. I remember telling my wife the same sorts of things as you have been told. It comes from wanting to keep the 'back door' open, should things not go according to plan with the new lady friend. Like a safety net. If this new relationship stuffs up, I can always go back to the old one. So what you get are a few lines that do make you sit and wonder if by not having him back at the appropriate time then it becomes your fault and not his. It does hurt a lot when this happens and leaves you with so much pain and doubt that you begin to feel so inadequate and insecure. Take a small tip from me, and dont give in to him. Don't allow him to give you hugs and kisses and dont get into deep and meaningful conversations with him.If you do these things they cant come back to bite you, and they will come back to bite you eventually. For your partner it feels really cool when you meet a new girlfriend. You do feel good about yourself and you feel indestructable and suddenly your marriage isnt worth a pinch of salt. Eventually this wears off to be replaced by guilt and doubt. You learn the marriage was/is priceless and the feelings of indestructability wear off. Vulnerability takes it place. Uncertaintly kicks in and before you know it, you discover the grass isn't greener where you are. This is what he will go through, if he isnt already. I suggest you dont be so pleasant to him. Let him know that he acted like a rat and that he broke a few of the trust issues required in any relationship. I also suggest you give his work friends a miss and then set about making yourself feel good. Take some of the time and spend it on yourself. Pamper yourself in a a nice bubble bath. Get a nice bottle of wine and cook a special dinner. Go and buy a new dress. Do anything, but do NOT let this indescisive creature mess with your head. Stay strong and keep posting. There is wealth of support here in these forums that I ignored at my peril. Do not ignore it at yours. Be happy Jen.
Author Jen-Smitty Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Hey Jen, allow me to let you know my thoughts as a male who has been where your partner is right now. I remember telling my wife the same sorts of things as you have been told. It comes from wanting to keep the 'back door' open, should things not go according to plan with the new lady friend. Like a safety net. If this new relationship stuffs up, I can always go back to the old one. So what you get are a few lines that do make you sit and wonder if by not having him back at the appropriate time then it becomes your fault and not his. It does hurt a lot when this happens and leaves you with so much pain and doubt that you begin to feel so inadequate and insecure. Take a small tip from me, and dont give in to him. Don't allow him to give you hugs and kisses and dont get into deep and meaningful conversations with him.If you do these things they cant come back to bite you, and they will come back to bite you eventually. For your partner it feels really cool when you meet a new girlfriend. You do feel good about yourself and you feel indestructable and suddenly your marriage isnt worth a pinch of salt. Eventually this wears off to be replaced by guilt and doubt. You learn the marriage was/is priceless and the feelings of indestructability wear off. Vulnerability takes it place. Uncertaintly kicks in and before you know it, you discover the grass isn't greener where you are. This is what he will go through, if he isnt already. I suggest you dont be so pleasant to him. Let him know that he acted like a rat and that he broke a few of the trust issues required in any relationship. I also suggest you give his work friends a miss and then set about making yourself feel good. Take some of the time and spend it on yourself. Pamper yourself in a a nice bubble bath. Get a nice bottle of wine and cook a special dinner. Go and buy a new dress. Do anything, but do NOT let this indescisive creature mess with your head. Stay strong and keep posting. There is wealth of support here in these forums that I ignored at my peril. Do not ignore it at yours. Be happy Jen. Everything you just said....is completely true. This weekend he was nice and of course affectionate and throwing around that he wants to work things out, but he needs to decide exactly what he wants out of the marriage. Which only came after his other girl did not want anything to do with him. I'm really going to set in motion not being there anymore. I went out today and dyed my hair, got my nails done, and went shopping. I think I have come to the conclusion he doesn't see how much I love him or all the things I do. This has become more important to him, and all he wants to do is blame me. These girls are the typical stereotype of " Game Players " They only want my husbands attention when they need to feel good about themselves. Once my husband wanted a separation from me, they didn't want him. I would like to think he will see our marriage is priceless, but I feel in my heart that I'm not good enough in his "eyes". I wanted to support him and be appreciative of his feelings......because like everyone he has major issues with feeling "good enough" or 'man enough". It's funny how these type of girls always seem to get a mans attention so easily....and yet these women cheat on their men!! They are also the first to come cry on your shoulder when they are cheated on, but don't give a damn about doing it to another women.
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