I cannot believe this. Second time in my life.

[sinkerswim]

Well, where do I start?

I came here in Feb of 2004 after a devastating breakup with my ex fiance who left me out of the blue..long story short..I was horribly depressed and felt I couldn't go on in life.

Came here all the time for support..and it helped. I also went to a Psychiatrist and therapist to help me through it all. So much help from my family as well.

 

months and momths later...I finally felt better and life went on.

 

A year goes by and I met the most amazing guy I could ask for.

Except he was in Illinois and I was in PA. We were friends for a few years before hand.before all of this.

But somehow we started really talking and then calling in 2005...and then it turned into more.

 

So..it was a long distance relationship...he couldn't wait to meet me ...so he flew out to PA to be with me..May of 2005 for a visit.

We clicked the moment we met...both on the phone and face to face.

He fell instantly in love with me..as I did him.

We did this for a little over 2 years...

 

I would travel out to see him...he would come see me... we would vacation together...we would meet halfway to be with each other for a weekend.

I have so many wonderful memories of it all. God it was all so wonderful..except for the long distance. I remember he used to tell me when we would part.. "Don't cry..we will see each other again soon..and one day we will live together".

 

We loved each others families...it was all so wonderful.

I couldn't even believe that I met such a great person...who loved me so much and just was so different than my ex was.

He promised he would never "hurt my heart" and that always made me cry...it made me feel soo good and so special.

 

We talked about marriage all the time...he gave me a ring (but not an engagement ring) in 2005, our first Christmas together. He told me that was a stepping stone in our relationship....to the real thing. But, I could wait.

I was never so happy.

Everyone was thrilled for me that he came into my life.

 

Then the decision came to who was moving where... He wanted us to be together so bad.

well, I made the biggest decision, although it was extremely hard leaving my great job and family behind...

I moved out here to Illinois in October 2007.

It was really tough at first being away from home... I cried..but he always made me feel better... and I knew he would.... as he was my life partner.

 

The past year goes by..and I never got a full time job again, I work 2 part time jobs and I am struggling. It is very hard financially for me.

We both kind of agreed before I moved out here that I would get back into the same kind of work I did so we could live with no financial worries.

But It never happened... big time my fault.

I am sooo sorry for that now...but I'm still trying to get in somewhere as of right now.

 

Anyway...back in June, we had a talk and it pretty much came as a surprise..when he told me..he doesn't think he will ever marry me.

I asked why..and he was like.."I do love you..but its just been living with you that's been tough...Im not 100 percent happy..etc."

 

I cried so hard...and told him to give me a chance. It wasn't fair since I gave up so much and that I wasn't even living here a year yet.

I could not believe what I was hearing. I asked if it was someone else.and he said "no..of course not..that's not what I want"

So that at least made me feel better.

So we gave it time.

 

So the months go by..and all seemed great...we went on vacation..etc.

We have a normal relationship...nothing is lacking intimate wise or anything like that.. He constantly tells me he loves me and holds me etc.

 

So I was curious and brought up the subject again the beginning of this month (around Dec. 1st) and it was the same thing... my heart was broken all over again.

 

I told him.."if you love me..then why cant that be enough??"

He was just like.."sometimes its just not"...he was saying how he is turning 39 years old and "doesn't think this is what he wants in life"...

I was sick over it all..the depression started to sink in...

 

But then when I said I would just go home..but would need his support ...he is like "lets talk about this...do you want to get back on your feet first..etc."

I am like YES

and then he said " If you can think of ways we can improve things...then we can work on it"

That made me feel better.

I booked a flight to go home at Christmas and he even came too! So I was all happy but confused....he wanted to be with me..that was clear.

He still tells me he loves me.. but its still not enough.

 

While back home in PA..I was feeling very down...I loved being home..I love my home and family. I was sad about coming back to Illinois not knowing what to expect.

So I talked to him again...

He said he still felt the same..that he is not 100 percent happy... and I said..well, then I will come back to PA.

but I just don't know when.

We agreed we would still talk and be friends. But I cried and cried. I couldnt even believe it. He is my love that rescued me...the guy I wanted sooo bad in my life..that i fell head over heels for and he did the same for me...My God..he was CRAZY about me.

 

 

I just cannot even imagine leaving him.. He said he has been very stressed over this all...and that I am such a huge part of his life and wondering if he is making the right decisions. But he is sure he is.

 

The thing is...if I am going through this..I need my family... and they WILL be there no matter what.

But I also have a great friend support out here as well.

I have started a life out here..especially through my church (Im catholic) and met many good friends.

As much as I want to be home...I DO NOT want my relationship with him to end.

I have no money right now....and he wants me to start packing soon.

I am trying to tell him I need time.

He keeps saying..why prolong this?

 

..I Love him with all my heart and he still loves me.. THAT IS WHAT IS KILLING ME.

He said his mom will probably disown him for awhile for doing this to me.. I agreed. I said I love your family..and he said.. they love you too.

OMG..

I am starting to fall into a depression...

I cant believe my relationship has come to this.

WHY? WHY AGAIN????

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY HUSBAND!

I keep looking back on all of our wonderful moments..and that is the wrong thing to do...as it makes me very sad..the HE of all people in this world..would hurt me.

He keeps telling me.. "I dont want to hurt you..please know that".

and I understand.

He was just..

"If Im not totally happy..then why force it?"

 

I keep looking back.....he gave my parents a Christmas card the first year we were together in 2005...and it said..

"Thank you for your beautiful daughter..she is the best thing in my life"

 

I STILL cry when I think of it. My mom actually saved it..because it touched her heart.

and now he wants me to leave.

I keep telling him..what can I do to save this??

He thinks there is nothing I can do.

I am so devastated....I'm crying as I type this.

 

I don't want to go to PA and never see him again.

that thought KILLS ME and makes me even more depressed.

It's not like he is around the corner.

 

I cant imagine the thought of getting in my car driving to PA and saying goodbye or seeing him face to face for the last time.

OMG HELP.

Then I have to say goodbye to every friend I made out here as well...

I cant just move out and get an apt. here..as I have no money.

Its a terrible time.

I cant believe he is doing this.

I just want him back. I want him to remember our wonderful times..and he does..but it doesnt help for him to stay with me.

I AM NUMB...

DEPRESSED.

TERRIFIED of my future.

This is my 2nd time around after a long term relationship.

He wanted to marry me...my dreams are shattered.

[Eyeofthoth]

Oh my God.

 

I am so sorry.

 

Love between a man and a woman is the most fragile thing in the world.

 

Now that I have finally learned this, I often feel that I never want to fall in love again.

 

And I have done what you did twice -- moved away from friends and family to be where the guy was.

 

Both times it worked out for awhile, but eventually it crashed.

 

I will never move for someone else again. I will never give up my independence for anyone ever again.

 

Hold your head up high because you dared to love. And take some time to recover yourself. You are still there. You are still whole. You are still wonderful.

 

No one else can rescue us. We have to rescue ourselves.

[sinkerswim]

thanks for the reply...

I know..it IS fragile.. and I feel so so sad.

I remember after my ex fiance and I broke up...I looked at the stars and said...

"Please God...if there is a reason for all of this pain...if I am meant to meet someone else who is going to be wonderful for me.. please show me a sign."

 

Then I saw a shooting star.

My boyfriend now (who wants me to leave) was my shooting star.

I am devastated.

 

If you don't mind me asking..how did you handle moving out of their house or apartment and back away and not seeing them again?

This is one thing I am dreading.

[Eyeofthoth]

Well my situations were both really different --

 

In the most recent case, I moved to the west coast from the east coast to be with my BF, but we did get married, so then later it was a case of divorce. My ex-H moved out and I am still living in the house with our two kids. This was actually far from the worst break up I have ever had (the one after that that brought me to LS was actually the worst). After being married for 15 years, my ex-H and I are actually on pretty friendly terms and I was emotionally over the marriage years before the divorce. I still hate the fact that all my extended family lives on the east coast, but I love the west coast, so . . . not so bad.

 

I also moved years ago to another state to be with my college BF. We planned to get married, but he was waffling on when and having trouble with the commitment. So we were living together and then after a long back and forth situation I finally just moved into another house nearby with some roomates I found in the newspaper. I decided to stay in the area (which was only a few hours drive from my hometown) and go to graduate school. I met a rebound BF in grad school and we moved in together. Then I moved out of there too and got my own place and a job after grad school. My ex BF (the original ex) would call me to go to lunch with him, etc., but I never felt as though I wanted to get back together with him (even though I had loved him incredibly) because of the hard time I had gone through with him after moving out to be with him.

 

I remember that time of my life where I actually had my own apartment and was completely supporting myself as being a pretty happy time. I was lonely though and always looking for that ideal relationship. Finally figured that such a thing didn't exist, so I married my Ex-H and moved to California.

 

Then after my divorce I finally met my true love -- but he panicked and ran off so here I am crying on LS.

 

It's been a long strange trip, but I am still alive

[saturnfell]

Hi,

 

Maybe I can offer you a bit of enlightenment?

 

I can tell you something which happened in my life about 3 years ago:

 

I was visiting a friend who was going to school across the state. The first night I was visiting, we went out and I met a man who (little did I know) would consume the next year of my life. We started dating, and as some of us know, long distance relationships are nothing wonderful. I found a job and moved my life to this new city where I had nothing but one friend, a job and a new (remember the word: new) relationship. I threw myself into his world. I spent everyday / night with this man. Sure, along the way I made a few friends of my own, but most of my time was spent going what he wanted and with his friends (I could never form good friendships with these people because at the end of the day, they were, his friends) We went out every night, I had the best time and was so happy. I would always think "this is great, this is so wonderful." Anyway, he broke up with me one night. I didn't know what to do. I had nothing of my own in this new place, I did it all for him. What did he care though... he still had everything he had prior to me even entering into his life. He was going to move to California like he always wanted and was going to be so happy. It wasn't fair (at least I didn't think so at the time) I loved this man, I thought we would be together forever. We talked about moving back home together (we were both from the same area originally) and how great everything would be. But with the breakup... I ended up finding another job back home and moving away. When I came back home, I didn't think I would ever be able to breath again. I didn't think I would ever recover. I drowned myself in work and leaned heavily on all the friends I had which I barely saw when I moved away.

 

My point is: I was heartbroken when that relationship ended. I walked around like a zombie. At the end of the day, I would leave work and drive to the ocean. I would sit on the sand and cry, hoping for some off chance, he would come by and find me (he didn't even spend time at that beach, he just loved the water, so that was the only connection) When I came back home, a lot happened. I learned a lot about myself and who I am. I became a very strong person and learned to be very independent. I wanted to do everything for myself, and never have to depend on anyone ever again. When I look back, I don't regret being in that situation. I look back and see that being so dependent one someone else, making massive life changes for someone else... is such a risk. Such a high risk. But, had I not experienced it, I wouldn't be who I am today. Sure, I didn't become the picture of perfection from this whole experience, but everything I learned, it's priceless.

 

Situations, such as you're currently experiencing, in my opinion, are the extreme situations. Making changes for someone else... that's huge. I understand how you're feeling, but can you do yourself a small favor? Step away from the situation for a minute. Think about who you are and why you moved. Think about this person and who they are. Understand that this place you moved to, you're not supposed to fear leaving it, you're supposed to leave knowing more and a much better person. You can take your life be the reins now. You won't ever be dependent on someone else again (like this) This is your opportunity to become your own person and make your rules which other will now play by. Don't give into someone else's requirements and rules.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

[Eyeofthoth]

That was great saturnfell --

 

I have come to believe that male/female love relationships are not supposed to last forever. Sometimes the most beautiful ones are the most fragile and sometimes the less beautiful but tougher ones last longer.

 

The ones that last a lifetime are incredibly rare, and usually when looked at closely they have stops and starts in them and the participants have weathered severe damage and sacrifice for each other. I think that is a beautiful thing when it happens, but for the majority of us, it just doesn't.

 

In the end, we are all individuals. We are born alone and die alone.

[sinkerswim]

Thanks for the responses you guys...

I am sooo sorry for your hard times as well...

Why cant things just go smoothly??

I too walk around like a zombie...

I ache...I cry...I feel like I cannot breathe.

 

I cannot even believe that my relationship is about over.

I just want it to work.

I cant move away and never see him again.

To top it off..I have NO money. Zilch.

 

I just want to give in and just quit in life..but i KNOW I cant.

Thats what sucks.

 

I hate the drowning feeling I am having.

[RM0123]

I feel so bad for, yet I have some comfort knowing there is someone out there that is feeling that exact same way I am right now. Which is weird. Why are there so many break-ups? Why do we have to hurt like this?

 

If you want you can read my post titled "I can't breath, eat, sleep or function". It is funny when I read you saying the same things. I am going through so many emotions and I am terrified of the future, the future without him.

 

I would love to keep in contact with you on here if you would like. I don't really have a lot of friends to talk to.

[sinkerswim]

Will do, RM...

I will check out your post now.

*hugs*