LoveLace Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 The guy I thought was probably "too young"...come to find out he's several years older...beat that out of him on the phone yesterday and I think he was afraid to be "too old" for me, but he's actually the perfect age in my book..38... So then I ask if he's ever been married. He chuckles and says, "I plead the 5th on that one"...I said why, I"ve dated divorced guys before....I know he lives with his brother and he makes it clear that he's very available...but why would he be so stingy about the marital history? We went out last night and he's absolutely adorable and sweet. We are all about each other. Seeing him again tonight. He has a good job and seems intelligent, too. 1st he thought the age thing would scare me off, so why is he scared to say if he's been married or not? What's the big deal? I know that I, myself, get the "why are you still single" syndrome, when people question why a person like me in their 30's has never been married...as if there must be something wrong with me...I'm hoping maybe that could be what's going on here...I really like him so far so I just wonder how big of a deal I should this out to be after meeting just twice...it could be a mistake to let time go by before learning something bad...anyone have an idea?
2sure Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Its kind of strange for a man pushing 40 to be living with relatives - his brother. Why wouldnt he have his own home or at least apartment ? Often when couples initially separate, one spouse moves in with family temporarily. Since he flat out refused to talk about his marital history...it could be this is the case. The fact that you have already caught him in a lie about the basic facts, his age, makes me wonder if you know for sure he is living with his brother and if so , if he is currently having a "trial separation" from a wife.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Maybe he's STILL married and just separated. Or, um....cheating. Strange how he won't even discuss it. I'd be a little nervous going out with him. Or, quite possibly he's been married more than once. If being divorced once can be a stigma, each one adds more of a black mark in some people's opinions. I'd just sit him down, explain what went through my head when he "pled the 5th," my thoughts on past relationships, etc, and see if he'll open up. It's such a simple thing. I don't see it as a big deal. But maybe he has scared women off before with his number.
IrishCarBomb Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 As a guy, if this situation started to play out for me, I'd start pulling back. It would feel like you're just prying into my history too quick before you know me, and are just looking for red flags that may or may not exist. First it was about my age, now it's about my marital history, how about instead we find if our present personalities click, and then worry about the incidental background stuff? That said... I do not know how your interactions have played out, and within context you could just be on a nice pace towards a relationship. However, just remember that you thought his age was going to be an issue, but in fact it was ideal. Perhaps this is the same thing.
mortensorchid Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 These sound like red flags to me. We all have our problems, but he's not being honest about some very simple things. What else is he lying about? Just something to think about if I were you. Best if you just close the book and move on.
Author LoveLace Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 As a guy, if this situation started to play out for me, I'd start pulling back. It would feel like you're just prying into my history too quick before you know me, and are just looking for red flags that may or may not exist. First it was about my age, now it's about my marital history, how about instead we find if our present personalities click, and then worry about the incidental background stuff? That said... I do not know how your interactions have played out, and within context you could just be on a nice pace towards a relationship. However, just remember that you thought his age was going to be an issue, but in fact it was ideal. Perhaps this is the same thing. I can see that. We're going out tonight and I think I'll let it rest for now, but not for too long. He actually never lied about his age, though...the night I met him, he said "in his 30's"...which is not a lie...he just hesitated to say 38 because he thought i would find it "too old". Then on the phone I asked when he graduated high school, and he told me, so he said "There you go, do the math!"...and once he realized MY age, he was relieved to know that the difference isn't that much, after all. So at this point, I can't say he's actually lied about anything. What I know is that he lived in another state before he moved here, and I think he said that he's lived here about a year and a half...so I'm wondering if there's an Ex-situation where he moved from. He's from this area originally, though. It seems like more information is naturally unfolding at it's own pace...so I'll be patient with that for right now. Maybe tonight more will leak out...we'll see...
Left in a Lurch Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I agree with Irish 100%. When you start prying and asking if I was married too early I know what question is coming next. I think the worst question to ask is "why are you still single?" When women ask if I was married or close.... I have honestly gotten to the point where I know it is over right then and there. I have a date next week and if she asks that question I have decided I will get up, put money on the table for dinner, and leave. The only "good" answer I could give is, "what difference does it make?" There are lots of reasons and I easily could have been 3 times but the woman just wasn't right for me at the time. Divorced people should never have gotten married in the first place in my opinion and I see a bigger flaw in that, but if I tell a woman I have never been married or close to it, they get turned off right away so I avoid the question. Every time I have avoided the question, the woman I have dated has ended up lasting. Any time I have said, "no" I get a funny look and it never works out right off the bat. I really hate that question. Don't pry.
Nagini Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 i dont care about the age thing. western culture inflicts horrible ageism on people but people should be straight up right away about marriage
Author LoveLace Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 We went out last night and had a pretty good time. We ended up meeting some friends of mine and he didn't seem to mind that at all; he's so laid back. Anyway, I avoided any personal conversations like that and just made sure to have fun. And I learned he does in fact live with his brother because we hung out over there later last night. I can see why asking that question too soon might seem too forward; I myself would just answer without thinking about it, but that doesn't mean everyone else will react the same way. I'm sure that if or when he wants to discuss it, he will. Of course, it isn't like I could date him long-term and avoid the topic...I'd have to bring it up eventually if he didn't do it 1st. But for now I know that I like him and at this stage I think it's ok for that to matter the most.
LostNLonely Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I would do a search on line, there are many internet sites which will cough up a lot of free info on people, such as, public records, i.e. jail, marriage, civil court judgements, etc., you need to know just who this joker really is before you go much further into the dating game with him.
melodymatters Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 We went out last night and had a pretty good time. We ended up meeting some friends of mine and he didn't seem to mind that at all; he's so laid back. Anyway, I avoided any personal conversations like that and just made sure to have fun. And I learned he does in fact live with his brother because we hung out over there later last night. I can see why asking that question too soon might seem too forward; I myself would just answer without thinking about it, but that doesn't mean everyone else will react the same way. I'm sure that if or when he wants to discuss it, he will. Of course, it isn't like I could date him long-term and avoid the topic...I'd have to bring it up eventually if he didn't do it 1st. But for now I know that I like him and at this stage I think it's ok for that to matter the most. Hey LL ! Happy New year ! Glad to see your having fun so far in 2009 ! I don't really understand why everyone is making a federal case about this ?!? He was a little coy about his age at a BAR, during a FIRST meeting, BFD. And yeah, obviously you will find out, and will need and deserve to find out his relationship history at some point, but I'm not seeing signs of some brother obsessed, thrice divorced, serial killer here !!! I WILL say, that I am bluntly honest, which turns some people off and other on, and I prob WOULD have said, WTF does THAT mean, in a joking tone when he gave the marriage answer. BUT if it's not in your nature to be so, balls to the wall, just enjoy your fun start to the new years right now. You KNOW you have had the tendency to overthink before, lets just relax this time around shall we ?
Author LoveLace Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Hey LL ! Happy New year ! Glad to see your having fun so far in 2009 ! I don't really understand why everyone is making a federal case about this ?!? He was a little coy about his age at a BAR, during a FIRST meeting, BFD. And yeah, obviously you will find out, and will need and deserve to find out his relationship history at some point, but I'm not seeing signs of some brother obsessed, thrice divorced, serial killer here !!! I WILL say, that I am bluntly honest, which turns some people off and other on, and I prob WOULD have said, WTF does THAT mean, in a joking tone when he gave the marriage answer. BUT if it's not in your nature to be so, balls to the wall, just enjoy your fun start to the new years right now. You KNOW you have had the tendency to overthink before, lets just relax this time around shall we ? MM! Long time no see! Happy new year to you! Yea no reason to go hunting for legal history on the guy...he's just your average tech support dude...I know where he grew up, went to high school, college, and pretty much what he's done with himself since then...with the exception of marriage...like I said though, he has mentioned an Ex GF in the state he moved here from. I don't have the vibe that he's hiding something huge. Some people just are not comfortable with certain info about themselves too soon. I can relate to that. There are some personal things that if asked about by someone you don't know well, make you think "ha! None of your business!"...I'm a very open person so I have to remember that it doesn't mean a guy I date will be that open too, this early anyhow. One good friend of mine that he ended up meeting the other night commented to me "it's too soon to be meeting the family"...cuz it turned out to be her, her parents, and misc. pals. They ARE like family to me -- but I didn't know all those people would be there when we arrived. I thought it was only a couple people. And the next day he said he had fun; so last night I invited him out again with other friends of mine, but he busy with something else which I kind of already knew...I just wasn't sure how long he'd be tied up so I thought I'd be nice and pass the invite. He politely declined (this is all texting) and I said call me tomorrow but he didn't come back with positive response to that. So it's a good time to give him space which is fine; but now I'm worried that "meeting the family" might have overwhelmed him.
Rebellious Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 he's either married or an *********, or both:bunny:
mortensorchid Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 So what happened, LL? Enquiring minds want to know!
Author LoveLace Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Everything's cool...we talked last night...he said he definitely wants to hang out more, but it's been "awhile" since he had a girlfriend and he doesn't want to make anyone feel too much pressure or expectations...and I said neither do I, of course. So we basically agreed to just play it by ear. Then we chatted for an hour or so and he asked me a lot of questions about my job and school, etc...now he definitely has a feel for how crazy my life is about to get when school starts back next week... We agreed to hang out sometime later this week and he agreed to attend a 40th b-day party with me this weekend; so I guess all is good for now. This is the part where I hope to start growing to like him more, instead feeling bored too soon. I seem to have a problem with that...hopefully that won't be my next thread! thanks all.
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