ricknron Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Hi all, This is my first post here on LS. I’ve been lurking for a few weeks after my fiancé left me the week before Thanksgiving. A little background on my situation: We are both in our early 20s. We have been best friends since 2002, and finally started dating in 2005. 18 months into the relationship, we moved in together in an off-campus apartment at college. After college graduation in the summer of 2007, we got engaged and moved together to the East coast to start our careers. It was almost like a fairy tale, as ridiculous as that sounds. We were each other’s firsts for everything, sex, “I love you’s”, long-term relationship, you name it. We had a love for each other that was deeper than anything we could have imagined. That was until this past July. She got a new job, and I could sense her becoming distant. I was so sure that everything would work itself out, so I didn’t get too concerned. It wasn’t until October that I could tell we had a serious problem. For this I blamed myself, as looking back now I see that I may have gotten too complacent, too comfortable, and started taking her for granted. The love was as strong as ever, but I wasn’t showing it enough. On November 18, after a long day of work, she came home and said those dreaded four words as soon as she got through the door: “We need to talk.” I’m sure most of you on this forum know what happened next. I got all the classic lines, from “I love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore” to “I need some space to love myself” and “I just don’t belong here.” Needless to say, I was crushed. I did what everyone says not to do. I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I told her how I would change and do anything for her. This was the only woman I ever loved, and the thought of losing her was my worst nightmare, and now it was coming true. As you could probably tell, the pleading only pushed her away, and she packed a bunch of her clothes and went to stay with a friend. Devastated, I booked the first flight back to stay with my family. While I was gone, we had limited contact, mostly about what we would do with our belongings, rent, who would stay in the apartment, etc. Like a fool, I made several calls during the week and begged for her to change her mind. No luck. When I got back, she was all moved out. Seeing the apartment that we shared together half-empty might have been the biggest kick in the stomach I’ve ever experienced. The following week, she tried contacting me several times, I guess to try and keep a friendship. I told her I couldn’t just be friends with her. She said she understood, and that I knew where to reach her if I changed my mind. In the month since then, I tried doing everything they say to do. I visited family, threw myself into work, caught up with old friends, even tried dating a couple girls (albeit unsuccessfully, as I just kept comparing them to her). I could feel myself getting a little bit better, but thoughts of her still consumed me most of the time. I heard from mutual friends that she was out dating. This was like a knife in my side, how could she replace me so fast? But in the back of my mind I knew anything to come of this would be a rebound and she was just trying to fill the void I left, so that actually felt good. She called me several times in December but I ignored them, in part because I knew I’d just be upset after the conversation and in part because I wanted her to miss me and realize what she had lost. Fast forward to New Year’s Eve. I get home from celebrating with friends and pass out. I get a text at 3 a.m. from her. She is sitting in the airport waiting for her flight to visit her parents, a trip I was originally supposed to accompany her on. The text reads: “Hi there. Just wanted to say Happy New Year. I’m here at the airport waiting to go home. At the kiosk, the screen asked who was checking in, me or you. Just another of the constant reminders. If you’d let me, I’d really like to see you when I get back. Have a nice weekend.” I responded with “Have a safe trip.” She comes back with “Does this mean you don’t want to see me?” I said “I don’t know. You know how I feel and anything less than that is not good enough for me.” She said “I understand, let me know if you change your mind. I still care for you and I always will. I’m here if you ever need me.” I said thank you, and thought that was the end of it. So I go back to sleep. One hour goes by, and four texts arrive all at once, basically composing one long message: “Sorry to bother you. I just miss you so much. I can’t do any everyday things without thinking of you. I’m so sorry for putting you through all this. You always treated me so well. When I told you I didn’t love you anymore, that was just a lie to make it easier on myself. I got so caught up in thinking how we wanted different things that I got terrified I’d never be able to live my dreams. I was just so unhappy with myself. The love for you was never an issue. It’s my fault for letting things get past the breaking point. I haven’t been healthy since I left. I can’t eat. I’ve lost 25 pounds and taken up smoking again. It’s terrible I know. I can’t stand being alone long enough to think about us. I go out all night so that I know I’ll just pass out as soon as I get home so I don’t stay up crying. I don’t know if you meant it when you said you just wanted me to be happy, whether with you or someone else, but just so you know, I’m not happy with anyone right now. Myself included. I’ve grown to hate all men at the moment, but that’s not your fault. I know you don’t want to hear about that, so I’ll spare you. I’m the one with all the problems. This has really opened my eyes. Please don’t blame yourself, this is my doing. I don’t even know why I’m burdening you with this. Again, I’m so sorry. I just pray that one day you can forgive me and I can be part of your life again. Please see me when I get back.” Wow. Now, I know the experts say keep it cool when this type of thing happens. But I care for this girl so much, knowing that she was so remorseful and sick, I just couldn’t keep composed. I called her right away. I told her that I missed her more than anything, that this was the hardest time of my life, and that I feared for her well-being. After that, I was able to steer the conversation in a more calm direction, and we made small talk, even laughing a couple times, for about an hour. As time came to board her plane, she asked again if she could see me when she got back. I told her I wasn’t sure, but that she should call me when she got back and we could talk some more. We said goodbye (I came this close to saying I love you right before I hung up, as I’ve gotten so used to doing a million times of the past three years, but I was able to avoid it). And that was that. I didn’t expect to hear from her again until her return (Monday). But the next morning (yesterday) she texted me: “I just wanted you to know that I’m here safe and sound. Have a nice weekend ” I replied with “you too, tell the family I say hello.” And that was our last contact. Now, my question for those of you who haven’t fallen asleep by now reading this, is what happens next. In no way do I think this was her way of asking for me back. In fact, I don’t know what to think of it. Is she just trying to ease her guilt? Is she only contacting me because it seems like all her rebound attempts have crashed? Or is she starting to come around to the fact that I’m what she needs? I love her deeply and would like to try again more than anything, but I know a month and a half isn’t a long time and she is obviously not in a great state right now. But my gut tells me to keep fighting for this girl. I don’t know why, it’s just the feeling I get. Should I see her when she comes back? Is there any hope for me? You gurus out there, I need your help!
paperchase Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I have been exactly where you are. You are at the crossroads but there's no crossing guard and the light is still RED. Do not pass go do not collect $200. So now she misses you. Solidute has a way of doing that. You think of people in quiet times and it's easier to forget them when you are active with work, play, partying or whatever. The best thing from her text is that she admitted she is to blame and that she realizes that you weren't getting in the way of her happiness. She remains unhappy. The worst thing from you account is that you phoned her in a time of need, consoled her, admitted that you still had feelings and have no opened up the lines of communications on her terms (i.e., when she comes a calling). Your saving grace is that you did not say I love you and you did not agree to meet. Good job there. Your ex has made some positive moves, but she's not there yet. You cannot rush the process. You also must remember that these moves have come in a time of desperation and that, without meaning to, she could be using you. My advice is to pull back some. Others might tell you differently, but you can't go entirely NC right now. That will come if you meet her, get the runaround and leave with your tail between your legs. Then you go strict NC, and possibly for good. But you must pull back. You cannot be there for her and give her the benefits of a relationship under the current cirumstances. In practice, that means don't reply to each text and, if you reply, do it hours later as an almost afterthought. She may raise the stakes to get you to jump immediately, but don't jump unless the stakes are very high. I mean real high, like she sounds suicidal or she's in danger of physically harming herself. Otherwise, reply at your own pace if at all. Regarding the meeting, you really need her to tell you what the meeting is about before you agree. You do not need her to tell you how confused she is or anything to weaken you. You do not need to hear her say sorry. That is for her to feel better, not you. If she's desperate enough to say the things she's already said, she's desperate enough to say she wants you back and importantly she has not said that. If she asks to meet again, I would reply in writing so you can use the perfect words to convey your message and tone. If she doesn't raise the issue again, then you don't either. The reply should say that you've thought long and hard about her request and you are not sure it's a good idea. You should say as difficult as things have been, you have accepted matters and have been focused on moving forward. You should ask why she wants to meet and encourage her to express herself in writing beforehand so you can make an informed decision. That's what I would do. But let's be real, you wanna meet and you're not going to roll the dice with my proposed response. If that's the case, meet. Set the meeting at least a week later than when she requests it. Set it on your schedule not hers. If she can't accommodate, then say you'll call her back. Treat it like you're a CEO. Your time is precious. You are busy and impatient and if the meeting isn't moving in the direction you'd like, you end it politiely. And remember, the meeting is her show, not yours. She has something to tell you. You are not there to sell her on the merits of a relationship with you. You are going to hear her and not answer questions about how you feel or what you want. If she tries to pick your brain, don't let her. Just say, I'm not interested in discussing my feelings. I know how I feel. Or say, I've worked very hard to move forward and answering those types of questions is counterproductive under the circumstances. Finally, make sure you end the meeting, not her. In fact, make sure you end all communication and not her from this point forward. It will serve you well if things work out, and it will save you face if they do not.
Heartbreak Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I agree with paperchase BUT, you should go to the meeting and play it cool if you want her back. Act like this is no big deal and that you are having fun and moved on with your life. If you seem too needy, like asking what are we going to talk about, you are acting in an unattractive way. Just go, have fun, keep it light, don't talk about the relationship unless she brings it up. Don't go over what happend, this and that and get yourself worked up. She misses you and contracted you so if you really want her back you have your foot in the door. Just don't be needy and insecure and beg. Be cool. Not fake but cool.
Author ricknron Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks for the input guys. I think I'm gonna hold off on meeting for now. When she said she hates all men right now, I have a strong feeling that she's trying to work something out with another guy and he's not putting up with all her flaws like I used to, so I'm basically the second choice. As much as I love her, I have too much pride for that. Weird thing is, we were doing some texting back and forth yesterday, and the subject of sex came up. She had the nerve to say "I'd so just sleep with you again just for the heck of it, but I don't think you could handle it." Yea, she's right, but what the hell? Now I'm a freaking booty call? She's the girl and I'm the guy! She's a gorgeous girl and I'm sure she can get sex from any guy she wants (and I don't doubt she hasn't already), so why is she hanging around wanting to screw me? This is all so confusing.
BackonTrack2 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 What is happening in your situation is very common, and I have seen it before. Your first mistake was to call her and comfort her (emotional support) Your second mistake was to text her yesterday back and forth. What you are doing right now is helping her get OVER YOU, however silly that might sound, it is the truth. By you talking to her, it is just making it easier for her to move on. Despite what she says, it doesn't matter, its all lies and you cannot believe anything she says, take whatever she says with a grain of salt. Here is your problem and I hope you take my advice because in the end, I am very sure I am correct. You cannot have any form of communication with this female, NONE, no TEXT, no CALLS, no NOTHING. Where you went wrong was, your BROKE NC and called her, in doing so, now your in communication, in doing so, now you are texting back and forth with each other, in doing so, you have ENDED the NC, she cannot miss you anymore, you are THERE for her and you are her FRIEND. FRIEND that she can count on, FRIEND, you are a FRIEND with benefits, you are now downgraded from a boyfriend. (She will use you for SEX until she finds someone who interest hers) The next thing that is to come is a meeting between the two of you for whatever reasons, weather it be, casual, business related, anything in that nature, anything that says to do with you seeing her FACE TO FACE, that is what is NEXT TO COME. What you must do, is STOP ALL CONTACT. Text/EMAIL/EVERYTHING. You must draw the line in the SAND, NO FRIENDS. ALL or NOTHING. What you are doing right now now by being in communication is not sticking to your mental stance of ALL or nothing, you are giving her hope, that you two can be friends, which is what SHE WANTS. I know this may seem very illogical, but based on past experiences, I believe the information I am giving you here today is factual. I believe you should pull back MORE, I think you should go back to your original stance of NO CONTACT. What you have done by talking to her and being in communication with her is un-do everything you have done in regards to her missing you, she doesn't miss you anymore, she has you, your talking to each other. In addition, the text comment, this is very bad, your ex doesn't view you as relationship material, you are NOW a botty call, thats what she is thinking in her head. If you are to be honest with yourself, you know she is out there datting others and looking around because she is unhappy with herself as she stated to you. What you must do is, CUT ALL CONTACT. You must recover, you must detach yourself, you must get to the point where you no longer care what happens to her or NOT. In her text she states "I'd so just sleep with you again just for the heck of it, but I don't think you could handle it." This is very bad, because it shows her hand and the way she's thinking. a) She know she can sleep with you when she wants to and you'll say YES b) She knows you are hurting and you are weak for her Look at what she says closely, "For the HECK OF IT" (just for fun, nothing more, no relationship, just fun) "I don't think you can handle it" She knows your hurt and loves her and if you two have sex, she knows you will want the relationship back, she doesn't want that, she's telling you right there. You have to go back NC, wait a couple more months, if she hasn't sorted out her life, or found anyone, she'll come back. What you did by talking to her, is remove a huge emmotional burden from her, you are enabling and supporting her departure. I am pretty sure I am wrong, but if I am correct, the NEXT thing, will be a meeting. I had a case similar to yours and I did all the things your doing now. Here is MY CASE Compared to yours Girl and Guy Breaks up = YOU/ME Guy vowes to never contact girl again Girl starts GUILT TRIPPING Guy = YOU/ME Guy provides emotional support = YOU/ME Girl and GUY begins talking = YOU/ME Girls feel relieved she has not lost GUY - YOU/ME Girls starts to act cocky = YOU/ME (text about sex) Meeting is Arranged Girl play games, tries to control guy, tries to make guy her friend = ME Guy holds onto hope, but knows its OVER = ME GUY Finally ENDS Friendship, X's the girl from LIFE = ME Guy tries to get girl back = ME Girl tells guys to **** off = ME Guy is now hurt but is fighting. Girl Contacts GUY's family, Guy gets hope, guy is back to square1. Guy calls girl, girl does not answer, guy goes MAD. Guy curses girl OUT. Girl contacts family again, girl states she is happy and in love with her boyfriend, girl brags about new dude, says the realtionship has been over 7 months ago, blames guy, says its all guys fault, guy needs to learn how to communicate. Guy Shoots off one email, calling girl a whore and a liar and a pretender. Guy goes NC. Two weeks Later, Girl contacts family again, states Guy has been emailing/texting/harassing her. Guy decides this is going to far. Guy goes NC again, for 5 months. Guy Texts GIRL, girl does not respond. Guy goes back NC. Whats next is a meeting..
Author ricknron Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Thanks for the warnings Backontrack. I have cut contact with her for the past four days. Haven't answered her call, emailed or anything. I did reply to one text message. She said she just wanted to make sure I was ok and how my day was going. I told her I got a raise that day (true), and that I injured myself ice skating. I haven't gotten a response, I assume she's mad because she figures I went on a date with somebody, as she knows there's no way in hell I'd go ice skating for my own enjoyment with no female involved. But whatever, she gave me up, and despite the fact that I still love and miss her like crazy, I'm not going to let her know it anymore.
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