When someone leaves you for another person

[Eyeofthoth]

I have seen the comment in several posts lately that:

 

". . . most times the dumper is already emotionally gone when they decide to call it quits."

 

The question is whether that emotional departure constitutes a betrayal, and especially, when the dumper turns to another person before formally breaking off the current relationship, why does that seem like so much of a greater betrayal, and is this feeling actually justified?

 

These are my thoughts based upon my own experience as well as my observations of other relationships:

 

Many times -- maybe even most times -- a dumper will turn to another person before calling it quits and they do this as a part of the process of moving out of the present relationship. This generally happens because there are serious issues in the present relationship. It will rarely happen when the present relationship is strong and going well.

 

I believe that this may or may not constitute a major betrayal. It depends on what happened before that. If the dumper tried very hard to address the issues in the current relationship before withdrawing and turning to someone else, and was willing to make compromises and meet the dumpee halfway to put the current relationship first, but the dumpee was not available to discuss the issues or was not willing to meet the dumper halfway, then it is not such a major betrayal. It is more like understandable self-protection on the part of the dumper.

 

However, if the dumper did not try to address the issues, because of an inability to deal with conflict or some other reason, or if the dumper was not willing to make compromises and meet the dumpee halfway to put the current relationship first, then it is a major betrayal.

 

This is what happened to me: My ex started having conversations with his previous ex and did not tell me about this until he was seriously conflicted and considering getting back together with the prior ex. I believe this never would have happened if we had not had some issues between us, and I believe the opening of the door for his conversations with the prior ex came because he felt that these issues were irreconcilable. (For example, he did not want to move in with me and my kids) However, I feel that what he did was a major betrayal because he did not thoroughly discuss all the issues with me, and on some issues that we did discuss, he was not willing to compromise. When we would start to have conversations about issues, he would say things like, "Everything is fine. You don't need to worry about us." Or, when I asked him what options there were for solving a problem, he would say things like, "There isn't anything that you can do about that."

 

So instead of working through things with me and talking to me, he shut me out and turned away and became emotionally re-involved with someone else. In my mind, this is the same as becoming involved with a new person. Who the dumper finds to turn to is irrelevant. The point is that they are turning away without giving the dumpee a chance. It disrespects the relationship.

 

One reason this is such a major betrayal is because it gives the dumper the emotional benefit of talking to another person while it leaves the dumpee ignorant of the fact that things are disintegrating. The dumper thus gets some security and strength before leaving the relationship while the dumpee is blindsided and left holding their broken heart in their hands completely alone.

 

This is a terrible thing to do to another person. However, it is almost always done unintentionally, through the operation of subconscious processes.

 

Then sometimes the question comes up: Would you ever take back someone who did this to you?

 

In my case, I lost someone who was really wonderful in most ways, but he had a problem dealing with conflict. I want him back desperately, but if he ever wanted to come back, we would need to talk about how he left the relationship and figure out ways that this would not happen again.

 

It is pretty simple when I look at it like that. I want the chance to try again with him because I know what went wrong. Also we have had a few post-breakup conversations, and he agrees with me about what went wrong and understands the betrayal part of it. I have also told him that I feel that I (or at least circumstances in my life) was partially to blame. I had some serious problems in other areas which developed a couple of months prior to the breakup. In one sense, he was all the more to blame for leaving me in the midst of these problems I was having. However, in another sense, I know that he did not do this intentionally; it happened because he did not want to burden me further by discussing our problems while I was already going through so much. I wish more than anything that he had burdened me further, because our relationship was so much more important to me than the other crap that was going down in my life, and I have told him so.

 

But the presence of the other person is now blocking any possibility of us trying again. So I am waiting for that to run its course -- which it should eventually do, because they broke up repeatedly in the past and didn't need the presence of any third party for that to happen.

 

And also I know I cannot actually wait. Because I could end up waiting for something that never happens . . .

 

In which case I will have to try to live with the fact that at least we have both learned something.

[northstar1]

I have seen the comment in several posts lately that:

 

". . . most times the dumper is already emotionally gone when they decide to call it quits."

 

The question is whether that emotional departure constitutes a betrayal, and especially, when the dumper turns to another person before formally breaking off the current relationship, why does that seem like so much of a greater betrayal, and is this feeling actually justified?

 

These are my thoughts based upon my own experience as well as my observations of other relationships:

 

Many times -- maybe even most times -- a dumper will turn to another person before calling it quits and they do this as a part of the process of moving out of the present relationship. This generally happens because there are serious issues in the present relationship. It will rarely happen when the present relationship is strong and going well.

 

I believe that this may or may not constitute a major betrayal. It depends on what happened before that. If the dumper tried very hard to address the issues in the current relationship before withdrawing and turning to someone else, and was willing to make compromises and meet the dumpee halfway to put the current relationship first, but the dumpee was not available to discuss the issues or was not willing to meet the dumper halfway, then it is not such a major betrayal. It is more like understandable self-protection on the part of the dumper.

 

However, if the dumper did not try to address the issues, because of an inability to deal with conflict or some other reason, or if the dumper was not willing to make compromises and meet the dumpee halfway to put the current relationship first, then it is a major betrayal.

 

This is what happened to me: My ex started having conversations with his previous ex and did not tell me about this until he was seriously conflicted and considering getting back together with the prior ex. I believe this never would have happened if we had not had some issues between us, and I believe the opening of the door for his conversations with the prior ex came because he felt that these issues were irreconcilable. (For example, he did not want to move in with me and my kids) However, I feel that what he did was a major betrayal because he did not thoroughly discuss all the issues with me, and on some issues that we did discuss, he was not willing to compromise. When we would start to have conversations about issues, he would say things like, "Everything is fine. You don't need to worry about us." Or, when I asked him what options there were for solving a problem, he would say things like, "There isn't anything that you can do about that."

 

So instead of working through things with me and talking to me, he shut me out and turned away and became emotionally re-involved with someone else. In my mind, this is the same as becoming involved with a new person. Who the dumper finds to turn to is irrelevant. The point is that they are turning away without giving the dumpee a chance. It disrespects the relationship.

 

One reason this is such a major betrayal is because it gives the dumper the emotional benefit of talking to another person while it leaves the dumpee ignorant of the fact that things are disintegrating. The dumper thus gets some security and strength before leaving the relationship while the dumpee is blindsided and left holding their broken heart in their hands completely alone.

 

This is a terrible thing to do to another person. However, it is almost always done unintentionally, through the operation of subconscious processes.

 

Then sometimes the question comes up: Would you ever take back someone who did this to you?

 

In my case, I lost someone who was really wonderful in most ways, but he had a problem dealing with conflict. I want him back desperately, but if he ever wanted to come back, we would need to talk about how he left the relationship and figure out ways that this would not happen again.

 

It is pretty simple when I look at it like that. I want the chance to try again with him because I know what went wrong. Also we have had a few post-breakup conversations, and he agrees with me about what went wrong and understands the betrayal part of it. I have also told him that I feel that I (or at least circumstances in my life) was partially to blame. I had some serious problems in other areas which developed a couple of months prior to the breakup. In one sense, he was all the more to blame for leaving me in the midst of these problems I was having. However, in another sense, I know that he did not do this intentionally; it happened because he did not want to burden me further by discussing our problems while I was already going through so much. I wish more than anything that he had burdened me further, because our relationship was so much more important to me than the other crap that was going down in my life, and I have told him so.

 

But the presence of the other person is now blocking any possibility of us trying again. So I am waiting for that to run its course -- which it should eventually do, because they broke up repeatedly in the past and didn't need the presence of any third party for that to happen.

 

And also I know I cannot actually wait. Because I could end up waiting for something that never happens . . .

 

In which case I will have to try to live with the fact that at least we have both learned something.

 

Hello, so if you are aware that he emotionally 'cheated' on you by reaching out to someone else while you were together, why would you think you can trust him again?

[EmperorR]

It is cheating in my opinion. They are preparing for it while still in a relationship with you, instead of dumping you they wait and wait until they are 100% sure they can find someone else and then kick you to the curb.

 

There are no excuses for this none at all, if the other person is not addressing what you want then dump them.

[northstar1]

It is cheating in my opinion. They are preparing for it while still in a relationship with you, instead of dumping you they wait and wait until they are 100% sure they can find someone else and then kick you to the curb.

 

There are no excuses for this none at all, if the other person is not addressing what you want then dump them.

 

There is a popular saying "They wont' let go of one branch until they have another one to grab onto"....and while it happens to both sexes, I think it's more common with women.

So they want to know they have options before making that leap. They can convince themselves it's just 'harmless' to talk/text/email someone else.....until they are ready to make a move.

[EmperorR]

There is a popular saying "They wont' let go of one branch until they have another one to grab onto"....and while it happens to both sexes, I think it's more common with women.

So they want to know they have options before making that leap. They can convince themselves it's just 'harmless' to talk/text/email someone else.....until they are ready to make a move.

 

Yep, how many man have got that line from a women "I need space", "I want to be alone", only a short while later they are with their new "friend".

[Eyeofthoth]

northstar 1 --

 

Why would I want him back when I am aware that he emotionally cheated on me?

 

It's a fair question, but I thought I answered it. Of course, my post was kind of long and rambly

 

I want him back because he was great in a million ways. Also because, in the past, I have done the same thing to one or more people that he did to me. We have similar personalities, so I am empathic to his faults. It would be absurd for me to let my pride get in the way of that.

 

Note though, that I said I would only take him back if we could address what happened and work on ways to prevent it from happening again. I do believe this is possible since he sees what happened.

 

Unfortunately for me however, it is only possible if he decides to come back.

[Eyeofthoth]

And maybe this happens more with women than with men because women are more emotionally needy?

 

But there can be a very sensitive side that comes with this emotional neediness.

 

So my emotional cheater was a guy. A very sensitive guy. In fact, a hypersensitive guy.

[saturnfell]

northstar 1 --

 

Why would I want him back when I am aware that he emotionally cheated on me?

 

It's a fair question, but I thought I answered it. Of course, my post was kind of long and rambly

 

I want him back because he was great in a million ways. Also because, in the past, I have done the same thing to one or more people that he did to me. We have similar personalities, so I am empathic to his faults. It would be absurd for me to let my pride get in the way of that.

 

Note though, that I said I would only take him back if we could address what happened and work on ways to prevent it from happening again. I do believe this is possible since he sees what happened.

 

Unfortunately for me however, it is only possible if he decides to come back.

 

I read your post. It's nice to see your point of view. I feel the same way on some issues. Thanks for being honest and getting it out there.

[Eyeofthoth]

Thanks saturnfell --

 

It is good to be heard.

[Riffmeister General]

Wow, a lot of this is exactly what I'm going through, and after a long chat about it with my best friend, I came to the conclusion that there is no way I could trust her the way I used to if she came back. Every time she would talk to another guy who I suspected to be her 'type', I'd get jealous. Every time I wouldn't know where she was or couldn't go out where she was going, I'd get jealous. Every time she'd be with the guy she ran off with (they were friends before, it would happen), I'd get jealous.

 

I'm not a jealous person. My ex-ex lived in Madrid for a year, and I had no fear she'd do anything while she was away. I'm not that guy. What I don't want to happen is to be MADE into that guy. I want her back so bad too, and I'm waiting for that moment she tells me she's made a mistake. I understand that feeling, and yeah, I've probably made the exact same mistakes, but now I see it from this side, I see it's endemic of bigger problems. The tanker of trust has been ruptured, as I say, and I can patch the holes, but it'll never be full again.

[LostNLonely]

". . . most times the dumper is already emotionally gone when they decide to call it quits."

 

True!

 

The question is whether that emotional departure constitutes a betrayal, and especially, when the dumper turns to another person before formally breaking off the current relationship, why does that seem like so much of a greater betrayal, and is this feeling actually justified?

 

It is the highest form of betrayal and your justified in feeling severely wounded.

 

Then sometimes the question comes up: Would you ever take back someone who did this to you?

 

Conditional on circumstance and the reasoning used by the person by whom I was betrayed. My mind says no way, never, but my heart says there's a possibility.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. I understand why you feel conflicted. It's not your fault. You were and are doing your best. Your important, special and good. You are loved.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Be your own best friend and companion.

 

You don't need this loser, but if you take them back, seek counseling.