humblegirl Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Hello, I haven't been here in a while. The first part of this is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=110567&page=1 I am still seeing this guy and things were going really great. Now last month his mom was due to come to town to visit. He wanted me to meet her. The week she was due to arrive my sister was found dead in Florida from what was an apparent car accident (that's what my parents told me). I went home to the funeral (totally devastated and in shock) and returned to L.A. My bf picked me up at the airport and told me that his mom was still here and he wanted me to go with him, his mom, his little sister (11 y.old), and his mom's friend to Disneyland the next day. I said okay. Well the next morning my Dad calls me and tells me that my sister's death was not an accident it was suicide. He said he didn't want to tell me when I was there for the funeral because he didn't want the rest of the family to know. I was too through with my Dad at this point and excruciating pain in my heart. I wanted to cancel Disneyland but was already dressed and waiting so I went. I didn't tell him about my sister when he got there because I was still trying to process it in my mind. He picked me up and brought me to his home to meet his family mentioned above. His mom was cold to me as soon I got there. She was standing in the kitchen when we arrived and when she left to go to another room I followed her (instead of him) hoping I could be friendly with her. She wouldn't give me any conversation and on top of that my bf kept coming in and out of the room like he was really nervous. We all left for Disneyland and his little sister was really taking a liking to me. When we went in the 'haunted house' something frightened her and she was standing right next to her mom but ran into my arms for protection. I was really touched by that and thought she was so sweet. When we got out of there she had to go to the bathroom so I told her mom I would take her. (His mom is really fat and I didn't think she would feel like walking her to the bathroom because it was so far away.) Her friend went with us and btw she was really nice to me and had a great sense of humor. When we returned from the restroom and stood in line for another ride, we all were laughing and talking and his mom was looking off in another direction as if she didn't want to be part of it. I could tell by the look on my bf's face he wasn't too happy with his mom at this point. He looked at me and said "I want you to go to dinner with us tonight". I told him thank you but I had a bad headache and I think I'm going to call it a day after we leave here and go home and rest. He looked really pissed at me. So we leave Disneyland and his Mom still hasn't said 2 words to me the whole day. When he drops me off at my apartment his mom says to me from the back seat of the car, "you are welcome to come to dinner with us tonight if you'd like". I thanked her for the invite and explained about my headache and told them it was lovely meeting them all. (They were to leave the following morning to go back home). I looked at my bf and he was so angry with me he was biting his lower lip. The next day he calls and tells me he will never forgive me for the disrespect I showed his Mom in not going to dinner when she asked. I told him what had happened with my dad springing my sister's suicide on me just prior to Disneyland and that I could barely keep it together as long as I did. He didn't care. All he cared about was his mom. Do you guys think what I did was that horrible? Should I have gone anyway? Shouldn't he have cared about what my heart was going through?
Citizen Erased Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Oh wow, I am so sorry about your sister, that is terrible. You didn't even have to go to Disneyland with them, it is completely understandable that you wanted to go home and process that information. He is being a jerk to be honest, your sister just died a month ago, of course you don't want to be trying to impress his mother while you are in that frame of mind. You should just not be dealing with this at the moment. Tell him that you are not capable of dealing with this at the moment, you have had a death in the family and if he can't be supportive then he needs to leave you alone right now.
refurb Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Do you guys think what I did was that horrible? Should I have gone anyway? Shouldn't he have cared about what my heart was going through? Jesus! I'd say you were a real trooper for agreeing to go after hearing about your sister. I'm surprised your bf and his family weren't more compassionate about your situation. Honestly, he sounds like a first-class dick. "Oh I'm sorry your sister died, but can't you just suck it up and come to dinner to make me happy?" From your description, it sounds like he has some issues with his mother. Sounds like he goes out of his way to please her even when she's being an ass. RF
Zapbasket Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 You are dating way, way, way out of your class. Yes indeed. Your boyfriend sounds like an insensitive, boorish, selfish pig. (And it sounds like he gets it from his mother.) I'm sorry to be so blunt, but from this post of yours it sounds like you have been so intimidated by what you perceive to be his superiority to you that you have learned to ignore your basic human needs. Trust me that NO ONE with any real class or sensitivity would expect someone to frolic at Disneyland the day after their sister's funeral. Your mind, from the sound of it, has become so warped by this relationship that you do not recognize that what hs and his mother did was absolutely inexcusable. No one deserves to be treated the way you were treated. I am so sorry for your loss and can't imagine the grief you must be experiencing. One of my close family members committed suicide and it's a very confusing, alienating thing to deal with for those left behind. You need to be surrounded by supportive people who are sympathetic to your situation and will lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on whenever you need it. Love between people of different classes happens all the time and can be a huge success. But what you have with your boyfriend doesn't sound like love, and it probably has nothing to do with your educational differences. He, plainly and simply, sounds like a jerk. You can do far better than this guy, believe me.
torranceshipman Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 This guy is a horrible jerk. If you are accepting this terrible behavior because you feel he validates you in some way, as he is of a higher class - don't!! If he had any real class, if he was a gentleman, he would NOT have treated you like this. I know some extremely wealthy people (old money and new money), I know some extremely well connected and well known individuals and I also know some incredibly intelligent and highly educated people who are performing incredibly in their field. The ones who are of the highest class and most respected also happen to be the nicest and most humble - that is what class is - dignity, self respect and respect for others, acting like a gent or a lady, understanding how to act appropriately and mindfully in all situations....and this guy is a class A shmuck. The emotional strength and maturity, empathy and dignity with which you conducted yourself at the Disneyland day out was without doubt classy. You outclassed this guy and his mom and so yes, you are in a different class to him! If he doesnt come to you with the greatest heartfelt apology on Gods earth for his behavior I think you need to tell him to leave you alone. Many hugs and kisses about your sister xxx
sugar_and_spice Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I'm sorry about your sister, I hope you find strength and peace to cope with this. As for the rest of this post, I read through your posts in the other thread. I don't think this man is a good boyfriend at all. He has cheated on you in the past and wasn't even very apologetic, from what I gathered in the first thread. As for his mom, well, she is rather snooty. Perhaps your boyfriend should have a word with her about her inappropriate behaviour before behaving the way he did with you. How is his behaviour towards you otherwise? Is he always this ignorant and inconsiderate of your feelings? Is he very possessive? You really deserve better than this.
BCCA Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 He sounds like hes in a constant uphill battle to please his mom. She strikes me as the type of person who needs someone to jump through a few hoops before she'll give them the time of day. No matter how mad I was at my gf, if she told me that minutes before putting on a happy face and going to Disneyland to meet my family, she found out her sister committed suicide, I would feel like a humungous douche for even making her come, and would let her do whatever she needed to. The problem seems to be that his mother has him convinced him that her wishes trump everything else, so he doesn't understand it when other people don't feel the same way. You did more than enough to make the best of a bad situation. If he can't be happy with your efforts, maybe he should look elsewhere. That's really lame of him to not be understanding and supportive.
Author humblegirl Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 ,How is his behaviour towards you otherwise? Is he always this ignorant and inconsiderate of your feelings? Is he very possessive? Thank you all for your replies and sympathy. You are right I don't deserve this. He didn't even ask me if I felt like going to Disneyland or not. Sugar and Spice to answer your question he had been treating me quite nice before this. Even before I left home for my sister's funeral he was very supportive, coming over right away as soon as he found out and taking me to the airport. But, this has thrown me. Also I wonder if he even told his mother about my sister's death.
sugar_and_spice Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 how long has it been since this trip took place? has he called since he phoned you the next day?
Author humblegirl Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 how long has it been since this trip took place? has he called since he phoned you the next day? My sister died the last week of November. Yes he has called me and we are still seeing each other but things have cooled off quite a bit. To be honest with you I don't care because I am starting to feel he is selfish and only cares about what makes him happy.
Author humblegirl Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Lately he has been dropping hints to me about some girl who wants to date him. I don't know what he expects me to do. If he wants to date her all he has to do is let me know and not play games. Why even tell me who wants him. Guys hit on me all the time and I don't tell him about it.
sugar_and_spice Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Lately he has been dropping hints to me about some girl who wants to date him. I don't know what he expects me to do. If he wants to date her all he has to do is let me know and not play games. Why even tell me who wants him. Guys hit on me all the time and I don't tell him about it. I think you should break up with him, he sounds like a terrible person. He cheated on you, he's inconsiderate of your feelings, he deliberately tries to make you jealous; do you really want to be him anymore?
Author humblegirl Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I think you should break up with him, he sounds like a terrible person. He cheated on you, he's inconsiderate of your feelings, he deliberately tries to make you jealous; do you really want to be him anymore? To be honest with you I don't know. I am in love with him and I know that. I have never told him this and he has never said he loves me either. I think for me it was love at first sight (before I even knew his name or anything about him.) But lately, after my sister's death I don't care too much about anything. I'm still very depressed.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 This guy is truely insensative. You need to focus on yourself and your family and take some time to yourself to cope with your sisters death. He should be the least of your worries. And if he don't understand how hard it is to lose someone then he is a heartless dick! You need to break up with him!! Asap. The only thing he is concerned about is you going out to dinner with his mom. I think you were brave to put on an act to go to disneyland and for that it shows that you are a stong person and you wanted to get your mind off things, even if it was for a few hours. I hope all the best for you and your family.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I'm sorry to hear about your loss but to find out that it wasn't accidental, sweetheart, a double blow. ((hugs)) Class has nothing to do with your b/f or family. To be fair, he didn't know about what happened to your sister until afterwards. But...after you told him, he should have been 100% supportive. How much longer are you going to put up with unacceptable behaviour?
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