NC brought her back, begging.

[BobrigoSanchez]

My ex broke it off with me earlier this month. We've been having all sorts of issues for the past couple of months that led up to it. Finances, communication, uncertainties on my part, pot smoking on hers... the usual.

 

At the beginning of Dec, she started to see someone else. For the weeks prior she was giving me mixed "I want in, I want out" messages. I was fine with "I want out" but I asked her to tell me straight up that that is what she wanted so I could move on. She didn't. All the way until the day before she moved on she led me on to believe there was a fighting chance. Eventually, I had to find out on my own that she decided to date another. I was obviously crushed.

 

So, I did the usual begging for about 3 days. Nothing. Blamed the whole thing on myself for another couple of days and vowed to change because of her. Nothing. RAN INTO HER AND HER REBOUND 5 DAYS AFTER THE BREAK-UP! I couldn't eat a lick for days. After all that my ego and self-esteem was shot. Time to move on.

 

After our final encounter about 8 days after the break-up she seemed very sad, but very sure that we'd probably never see each other again. My reasoning at this point wasn't clouded. I had already expected this. So NC began right away. Not as a means to get her back, but now I was genuinely angry at her and regretted even talking to her once after I found out what she did to me.

 

I deleted her out of my phone, myspace (blocked), email, all that good stuff. There was going to be no cyber-stalking for me. I knew better.

 

Well, all contact has been initiated from her side. It started Christmas Eve with "Merry Christmas Eve". I didn't respond. Then she messaged me on Christmas on Myspace (before I blocked her) "Merry Christmas". I reponded back saying Merry Christmas back.

 

I'm not forming any hopes at this point. I just felt well healed enough to be able to respond. After realizing that even though I deleted her from myspace, she still sends me messages (meaning I can see her avatar, and I don't know how I'll react if that little picture were to display something I don't want to see) I decided to block her. This totally threw her for a loop. Big text message exchange, but essentially I told her that blocking her out of my life as much as possible is what I need to move on. And what I got from her is, "You'll never be out of my life or mind completely" and "Let me know when you want to see me again".

 

At midnight, New Years, she sends me a "Happy New Years" text that eventually leads to an hour long phone conversation. She basically says she doesn't want to spend the New Year without me. That she loves me and everything about me. I reminded her of the issues I have with her, and she reminded me of the issues she had with me. But the love is still there (she says and I assume).

 

Now, I've heard NC will cause exes to initiate contact, but not because they want to get back, but instead because they want to hang on to something that was once so important and that they now feel is in its last stages of life. What I figure, is obviously my ex was so weak that she broke it off with me only because she thought that she had a solid crutch to take her through the breakup (a new dude). For whatever reason, this guy is no longer part of the picture, at least not significantly, and now she's seeing what a catch I really was. Back to the point; it's been said that if your ex truly wants to get back, then they have to straight up let you know, as clear as water, that that is what they want. Without me ever suggesting it (minus the first 3 begging days) and actually opting very much against it, she wants back in.

 

My problem with this is, I cannot go back with her on this type of foundation. I have my pride. I told her over the phone, "maybe not until I start dating others, will I feel comfortable giving us another shot" because thoughts of her rolling around with someone else would eventually haunt me (she denies anything that serious happened. I told her to give me a break and spare me the details, we're both adults).

 

I do love this chick, and when times were good, times were really good. She was a real friend, lover, everything. We just got lost in the routine. She lost discipline in her communication, though. She avoided any conflict, big or small, and decided to start smoking weed to tune it out and hanging out with her whorebag friend during the rocky part of the relationship.

 

I'm not sure what I'm getting at with this, maybe I'm just journalizing for my own good, but I set up a lunch date with her in two weeks (I'm out of town for the holidays). Part of me is excited to see her again. Part of me is bummed. It sucks that as much as I try to fight it, thoughts of us being together, whether new issues will surface or not, are going through my head. I was focused on being single again and developing myself and my social life, and now she's semi-back in the mix, albeit in a weird sense.

 

Like I said, I am holding on to no hope of us being together for good, but should I really be set in stone against what my heart wants? Am I being too rational and unfair to myself? I'm 99% sure I wouldn't take her back since I KNOW she slept with someone else. I'm weird like that. If I don't at least get my side of the action, it just would not feel right. Bottom line. I don't care what morals dictate, I'm not that big of a punk. But maybe I want to keep an open friendship and see where that goes. If she eventually sees someone else again, fine. But I do hope I'm not fooling myself.

 

Lack of commitment was an issue (this was only an 18 mo. relationship), so I told her "How commited do you think I'll be the second time around after doing what you did?". So I'm going through all of these stupid ups-and-downs again, when I should be going slowly, steadily up and out. But then, what about second chances? I just don't know.

 

I guess this isn't really open-ended, but if anyone has any success or stories similar to this (you probably wouldn't be on this forum), feel free to share.

[atwitsend]

My problem with this is, I cannot go back with her on this type of foundation. I have my pride. I told her over the phone, "maybe not until I start dating others, will I feel comfortable giving us another shot" because thoughts of her rolling around with someone else would eventually haunt me (she denies anything that serious happened. I told her to give me a break and spare me the details, we're both adults).

 

Right there she proves she can't be trusted. Do you think that she just up and decides to go with this guy and break it off with you, without cheating on you before you ever knew it. Highly unlikely.

 

I think you're right. That you should let her hang around, while you level the playing field. She needs to see what she lost. Then you can decide later if you want to give her another chance. Since it sounds like you weren't married. It would be good for her to feel what you felt.

[BobrigoSanchez]

Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have posted. Now I'm angry again. I've come to that same conclusion everytime but accepted the fact that she did in fact start seeing this dude long before she claimed. Now she's trying to pass him off as some innocent experimentation. She must think I'm an idiot, who doesn't know how life works.

 

I should definately go the heartbreak route. I will break her apart. I will do it without even leading her on to believe that I'm giving her a chance. I will let her beg, and I will let her see that she totally blew it. Nothing I did deserved that treatment. Treatment that made it easy for her to move on, but destroyed me. I would've never gone that route.

[paperchase]

Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have posted. Now I'm angry again. I've come to that same conclusion everytime but accepted the fact that she did in fact start seeing this dude long before she claimed. Now she's trying to pass him off as some innocent experimentation. She must think I'm an idiot, who doesn't know how life works.

 

I should definately go the heartbreak route. I will break her apart. I will do it without even leading her on to believe that I'm giving her a chance. I will let her beg, and I will let her see that she totally blew it. Nothing I did deserved that treatment. Treatment that made it easy for her to move on, but destroyed me. I would've never gone that route.

 

I would not take that approach. While it's safe to say she developed interest in the other person before breaking it off with you, that's something men and women both do. Most times, the dumper is already emotionally gone when they decide to call it quits.

 

Still, you have a right not to trust her. I agree with the poster that said you need to level the playing field. If you want her back, that's fine, but you need to get her back on your terms, not hers. Her terms are that her fling fizzled and now she's expecting you to be there with open arms. Your terms require that you address the problems that lead to your break up and rekindle the love in a way that makes you secure in the relationship going forward.

 

One way to level the playing field is to make her beg more. Another way, if to just tell her you're unsure and would like to possibly date other people. That should make her beg if she really wants you back. You really need to be ready for this meeting in 2wks. Part of your preparation should be going out and having fun. Also, be prepared to look your best. Finally, remember the meeting is her show so you shouldn't be doing the talking. You are there to hear her out, let her convince you why it will work and why you should take her back. Do not sell yourself and do not agree to anything on the spot. Take it slow and make her pine a bit. That's what I'd do.

[BobrigoSanchez]

Sound, solid advice, paperchase. I see the meeting (if it is even still on at that point) going down exactly that way. This is definately not me pursuing or having dangerous expectations about the future with her. I'm keeping my options wide open.

[saturnfell]

Regardless of her reasoning, she wants to try again. Some people must need time to think and realize they miss someone.

 

Do yourself a favor, be honest with yourself and follow your heart and not your pride. Let go a bit, and allow yourself to see this women with an open mind. If you put your pride in front of your heart you're only concealing your feelings. I agree with the other posters, it should not be easy 1,2,3 and you're back together. This should take time. However, don't deny yourself feelings for this women because of things in the past. People make mistakes everyday, mistakes they wish they could take back but cannot. All we can do is try to fix the mistakes we've made and show our true colors. If this women truly cares for you, what do you have to lose from letting her show you this? Nothing. You have nothing to lose except allowing yourself to see how she feels about you and that no matter what she did in the past, you're her guy. Do yourself a favor and just open your mind, a little.

[Eyeofthoth]

Read what I just posted here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1981313#post1981313

 

As the last poster said, put your pride aside. Look at whether or not your behavior contributed to her emotional departure.

 

You said commitment was an issue. In what way? If you were waffling on commitment after 18 months, then you can hardly blame her for pulling away emotionally.

 

It always takes two.

[BackonTrack2]

**** that, that whore was cheating on you and sucking someone else's cock while you two were together and then decideded to leave you and now since it didn't work out she wants back. she comes back to you because no one else wants her, your left-overs, second best.

 

forget about that whore and she is lieing to you, you can't trust her, what about in the future when your on vacation, you can be damn sure she's out there banging another dude.

 

don't even meet her, don't even see her, just go NC, let her suffer. come back to the situation in a few months and if she's still there, give it a shot.

 

there's no excuse for cheating, especially with women, whatever the issues are/were will resurface and she'll do it again, i promise you.

 

atleast now you know her true colors, in nature, its only natural to test the waters once things get comfortable, and so she did, she liked it so much, so got rid of you but oh wait... during this test.. what did she find out?? she can sleep with other people and you won't stand up for yourself... what else did she find out?? well she think's your a dummy because she's lieing to you about having sex with the dude....

 

you honestly think that if things would of worked out, she would want you back? do you want to be with someone who would do that to you??? i mean in life one thing i learned about these kind of women (cheaters) is they are self-ish, lack communication skills, hide their problems, don't even give you a heads up... well in all honesty in the course of a relationship you should already have some pulse or sense of what your partner is feeling... so you probably knew it was coming.

 

but still...i don't know, love is an emmotion, and just like anything else, their mind has to be on the relationship, and hers clearly wasn't/is not

 

proceed with caution.

 

on an emotional/spiritual level

girls really don't cheat unless something in the relationship was not being fifulled, maybe she was bored, maybe the sex fizzled, maybe it wasn't new anymore, maybe she just lusted the guy, wanted him, ****ed him, then tried to start a relationship with him, maybe she was catching feelings for him, so much so that she left you for him but what happen... it didn't work out so now she's back and you'r doing the NC thing while she still has feelings for you, compund that with the fact you really didn't do anything wrong... which is why she wants back anyway, "he was a nice guy, i dunno why i went whoring, i wonder if he's so stupid to believe me nothing really happen and take me back until i find something better, then i'll make SURE to do the right thing before leaving him, i'll cheat on him a good 3-4 months next time"

 

 

why are you even meeting her? detach yourself, use her for sex, string her along until you find someone better, tell her what she wants to her, whatever, get the pussy, and don't allow yourself to fall into a relatinoship again with her, she's no good, she's done, its over, the bond is broken, use her like how she used you and then end it when you find someone new....

 

i dunno, cheating, just repulses me.... like makes me look at the girl as a whore, no good, tainted, i dunno what it does to you, and when the love wears off, u just wonder what the hell you were thinking....... still talk to HER after you found out she did you dirty...

 

"Hey Baby, I just stabbed you in the back"

"its OK sweety, I love you anyway"

 

Your so blinded you don't even see the dagger in the heart she just struck you with.

[Surfer Dude]

**** that, that whore was cheating on you and sucking someone else's cock while you two were together and then decideded to leave you and now since it didn't work out she wants back. she comes back to you because no one else wants her, your left-overs, second best.

 

forget about that whore and she is lieing to you, you can't trust her, what about in the future when your on vacation, you can be damn sure she's out there banging another dude.

 

don't even meet her, don't even see her, just go NC, let her suffer. come back to the situation in a few months and if she's still there, give it a shot.

 

there's no excuse for cheating, especially with women, whatever the issues are/were will resurface and she'll do it again, i promise you.

 

atleast now you know her true colors, in nature, its only natural to test the waters once things get comfortable, and so she did, she liked it so much, so got rid of you but oh wait... during this test.. what did she find out?? she can sleep with other people and you won't stand up for yourself... what else did she find out?? well she think's your a dummy because she's lieing to you about having sex with the dude....

 

you honestly think that if things would of worked out, she would want you back? do you want to be with someone who would do that to you??? i mean in life one thing i learned about these kind of women (cheaters) is they are self-ish, lack communication skills, hide their problems, don't even give you a heads up... well in all honesty in the course of a relationship you should already have some pulse or sense of what your partner is feeling... so you probably knew it was coming.

 

but still...i don't know, love is an emmotion, and just like anything else, their mind has to be on the relationship, and hers clearly wasn't/is not

 

proceed with caution.

 

on an emotional/spiritual level

girls really don't cheat unless something in the relationship was not being fifulled, maybe she was bored, maybe the sex fizzled, maybe it wasn't new anymore, maybe she just lusted the guy, wanted him, ****ed him, then tried to start a relationship with him, maybe she was catching feelings for him, so much so that she left you for him but what happen... it didn't work out so now she's back and you'r doing the NC thing while she still has feelings for you, compund that with the fact you really didn't do anything wrong... which is why she wants back anyway, "he was a nice guy, i dunno why i went whoring, i wonder if he's so stupid to believe me nothing really happen and take me back until i find something better, then i'll make SURE to do the right thing before leaving him, i'll cheat on him a good 3-4 months next time"

 

 

why are you even meeting her? detach yourself, use her for sex, string her along until you find someone better, tell her what she wants to her, whatever, get the pussy, and don't allow yourself to fall into a relatinoship again with her, she's no good, she's done, its over, the bond is broken, use her like how she used you and then end it when you find someone new....

 

i dunno, cheating, just repulses me.... like makes me look at the girl as a whore, no good, tainted, i dunno what it does to you, and when the love wears off, u just wonder what the hell you were thinking....... still talk to HER after you found out she did you dirty...

 

"Hey Baby, I just stabbed you in the back"

"its OK sweety, I love you anyway"

 

Your so blinded you don't even see the dagger in the heart she just struck you with.

 

Gotta agree with Backontrack.

 

The girl is "damaged goods" in my book. I'd never take back a girl who cheated on me, even if my ex begged me to take her back, I wouldn't dream of it, she had another man's dick in her mouth, I would find it disgusting to even kiss her, let alone allow her to be the mother of my children some day.

 

These cheating whores need to learn a lesson, cheating is one thing that doesn't deserve forgiveness.

 

While you were broken and crying for days hoping she'd throw you a bone, she was sucking dicks and laughing at you. Do you want to be with someone like this who can't feel any empathy for your suffering?

 

I say, either go NC or use her for sex and dump her like a piece of trash.

[WiseOne1]

I agree with Backontrack also, I would use her keep her until you find someone better, think about it....everytime you think about what she did to you, your gonna get angry and start resenting her, shes damamged the relationship to the point of no return.

[BobrigoSanchez]

Yep, I agree also. I've taken the BackonTrack approach with my previous ex, and I felt just fine about it. She also started seeing somone else before officially breaking it off with me (****in rebounders), and then came back begging.

 

BTW, she is still very much wanting to be with me, and the more she's pushing the more I'm seriously backing off. It's funny how tables turn. I told her "I'm the same dude that was begging at your feet the first week of the breakup. You told me 'no' back then. Why are you coming back now?" It's horse****. There is absolutely, positively no way I would get back with a woman after they slept with someone else (maybe after I boned some of her friends would I consider, but then what kind of sanctity is left?). ****, I'd rather be completely alone. It is impossible for me to have a healthy interaction with her, because its true, I will resent the hell out of her. I ****IN HATE CHEATERS!

[LostNLonely]

Gotta agree with Backontrack.

 

The girl is "damaged goods" in my book. I'd never take back a girl who cheated on me, even if my ex begged me to take her back, I wouldn't dream of it, she had another man's dick in her mouth, I would find it disgusting to even kiss her, let alone allow her to be the mother of my children some day.

 

These cheating whores need to learn a lesson, cheating is one thing that doesn't deserve forgiveness.

 

While you were broken and crying for days hoping she'd throw you a bone, she was sucking dicks and laughing at you. Do you want to be with someone like this who can't feel any empathy for your suffering?

 

I say, either go NC or use her for sex and dump her like a piece of trash.

 

I'm 45 years old and I got to say, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you have got no use for this woman. Imagine your stipulating a few conditions, for her own benefit, to see whether she's capable of change and redemption, tell her no whorebag friends, no pot-smoking, and your union starts over again from scratch, meaning no sexual activity until she passes an std screen. She how commited to you she is then.

 

(Surfer dude, your not alone in picturing some guy's dick in your girlfriends mouth, that's how I made a clean-break from a lying cheatin' ho years ago, everytime she told me she loved me...I pictured her sucking off the other dude...everytime she reached out to me physically...I recoiled LOL)

[D-Lish]

Employing NC/ignoring someone can really do a number on them- but it's not necessarily about them wanting you back. I think it's more about having the tables turned on them. All of a sudden, they become the one who is rejected and that bothers a lot of people.

 

I broke up with my ex because he was distancing himself from me and I knew I deserved better. I went NC and it drove him nuts, he began trying to get my attention anyway he could- including checking up on when I was signing into the dating site where we met.

 

I decided to meet with him a couple nights ago wondering if he might have regretted his decision... But what I found is that his ego was more bruised about being ignored, rather than actually missing me and wanting me back.

 

You have to set boundaries and then live by those boundaries. Once someone has cheated on you and hurt you... Is it realistic to think you can go back to them and ever be happy with them?

 

She keeps contacting you because she is appeasing her own guilt. She needs to leave you alone and let you heal. I wouldn't even meet with her if I were you. Although my meeting with my ex gave me some closure- it also set me back to spend an evening with him.

 

Good luck with the NC. It's smart to block her at every junction. I'd do it on your cell phone as well.

[Tinkerbelll]

It seems quite powerful this metaphor of girlfriend sucking another's man cock..