Athalanthas Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Hello everyone. Hope everything is well for everybody. As hard as doing this, I would like to share my story of why I am now here as a new member of the Single Parents Network. I do not even know how to start as my situation has hit me like a landslide, too fast to catch up and with just myself who tried her hardest to stop it. A year ago, I came here as a new immigrant (from the Philippines) with two of my kids to start life anew with my husband of 3 years. My husband came here first in the U.S February of last year to set everything up and prepare for our arrival, while we waited for our immigrant papers to be approved. He is the American citizen (Filipino but born and raised here) who petitioned for us. It was a happy reunion, my husband and I were both happy and so much in love that finally we are together again after almost 9 months of being separated because of waiting for the approval of our papers. June of this year when my husband lost his job I started to notice changes in my husband. He is more impatient, irritable etc. but I did not think that this is something very grave that I just kept being positive about everything. I got a job when he lost his so at least things are still in place, I, helping financially (my husband had severance for 6 months so we also depended on that) and taking care of our 2 kids. My husband even asked me if he could go home to the Philippines because he was feeling homesick and I let him (for 10 days). I thought everything about us and our marriage was okay until our 4th year anniversary (Sept. 23) when my husband confessed to me that "he cannot believe that we reached 4 years and that he loves me but he is not in love with me and does not want to be married." Of course, I was devastated I did not know that this was ever coming. He even took me out for an early dinner and over dinner told me this. For 2 months I have been holding onto him trying to convince him to work out the marriage together with me. We only went to ONE marriage counseling session and he refused to continue because he got pissed that I made him look bad to the counselor when the counselor asked us about what we feel. I think he is trying to determine resentments to each other. Over the course of these 2 months I came to know more of my husband's issues. My petty differences that he finds annoying, he cannot take it anymore. Even when I am being sweet to him he gets annoyed at me. It's all these differences that may be petty to me but for him are big things that just escalated into ONE BIG THING that at the end he just blew up and cannot stay in the marriage any longer. He admitted that the real reason why he came here first in the U.S is for him to get away from me and take a break; he started having this troubled feeling before our second was conceived. I just cannot accept that he could just easily let go of what we have started. We were best friends for 7 years, boyfriend and girlfriend for 2 years and married for 4 years. He courted me 3 times trying to be his girlfriend but since I do not want to cross over friendship to being lovers I turned him down twice but when he tried the 3rd time I finally fell in love. We got married when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with our first child. We did have a plan on getting married but because of the pregnancy, our plan of getting married was just "fast forwarded" so we did not see any difference and we did not want our child to be born out of wedlock. We are young; I am 27 now and my husband 26. I guess when I said "I do" and proclaimed my vows, I really did mean it but the case was different for my husband. Honestly, this is the first ever worse that we are experiencing in our marriage but my husband is feeling hopeless in our marriage and is not motivated to fix it. I asked him why he had to let things go as far as it did, when he is already feeling something "wrong" why he not told me early on. Our marriage deserves a lot of chances, for him he already gave it a lot of chances but for me he did not because he did not give it a chance to work it out TOGETHER with me. He also said that he told me a lot of times, when we were about to sleep, while arguing and yes he may have told me but he only told me in passing. He never really had a "sit down session" with me to really talk to me about his issues. In my part, when I think about my issues about him, I could not even think of one big issue because for me these are the little annoyances about your spouse that you just have to forgive and let go because that is how you truly love. My husband just endured me until he cannot take it anymore. I have always been faithful, never abused drugs, never abused alcohol, I do not gamble, no money handling problems. In my opinion, his reason for separating is not "punishable by separation" compared to those who have done worse to their husbands but were still given a lot of chances. It feels so unfair. My husband even attested to it, I am also a very good mother to our kids. He said that he still finds me very attractive but he withheld contact with me because he knows he will feel guilty after since he does not feel the same way as I do for him. He said that if that will happen he wants to make sure that it is for love. He said that he loves me because he cares for me. He loves me more than a friend, more than a sister (cos that will be gross) but not as much as a wife. Weekend before Thanksgiving, I agreed to the separation. The 2 months of being in "limbo" has been my denial stage. I just cannot accept that this is happening to my family and my husband is capable of leaving me. Even if we know our problems, my husband just refused to work out our marriage. After our first and last counseling he canceled because "he is staying anyway so there is nothing to work out". I could not stand the indifference and the constant nightly and dawning arguments. He has asked me to let him go so many times and me begging him to not leave me and the kids that I got really tired that on that weekend, when he asked to be let go again I have agreed to let him go that "maybe" that is the best thing for us and the family now. He also admitted that he is depressed and I even told him that I will help him them go through his depression and set aside our marital issues. He told me that how can I help him when 60% of his depression is because of me! He even blamed me for losing his job because I just "asked for more". Ever since I arrived here with our kids I asked him to come home early so he could spend time with us but when he comes home he would still face his computer and work or play computer games (he is in the Gaming Industry). The "more" that I was asking for is "quality time" which I think is not too much to ask for. Believe me, my husband has stuck a knife in his throat or put it on his wrist a lot of times in front of me sometimes getting my own hand and putting the knife there so many times. He even started writing "goodbye and I am sorry letters" (he has one for his mother, father, his closest half brother, our kids) and I also caught him googleing "how to commit suicide with the least pain". He told me that he feels helpless, hopeless, and even with two beautiful kids and a dedicated wife he is not happy. He told me that I deserve better because of how he feels about me (which obviously is a bad thing) that leaving me could be a good thing for me. Thanksgiving day, our first time to celebrate it, he was with the kids while I am home with my sister packing our things to move out. My father-in-law took my sister and me out after they got back. My husbands' side of the family, mother's side and father's side, are very supportive and are actually very apologetic for what he has done. They are all out helping me in any way they can since they know I really am not the one at fault here. I may have faults and shortcomings in the marriage and I do admit to those but at the end, I am indeed the victim here or am I not? One of our fights is that all that happened are just the "cause". So I asked if I "caused" all this and he answered with a resounding "Yes". My sister overheard that fight and she was so mad she pulled me away from him. I have a lot of "what ifs". Maybe if I did change a lot about myself maybe I would have been more lovable to him. Maybe if I did this or that, we would have still been together. What is happening though is happening and I just have to accept it, taking one day at a time. I could say that this is the saddest thing that has ever happened to my life. It is like death but the difference is, death is inevitable while with marriage we have a choice of not ending it and to try all avenues to work out the marriage TOGETHER with your spouse. That is what my husband owes me. That chance. I hate how indefinite my future is now. I hate the brokenness I feel and the negotiations that will now come regularly. I hate the incompleteness of my family. I hate the feeling of incompleteness, loneliness and emptiness in my heart. Even in my sleep I cannot rest. I dream troubling dreams, waking up crying. I hate having to wonder if I am being missed or if I am still important. I know he is planning his future without me. It was just confirmed when he told me that he would rather see me move on. He even said that he would not be hurt if he sees me with someone else. Now, at least, I can handle my emotions a lot better and have moved in with my father-in-law (single). As soon as I am financially capable, the three of us will move a little further away from my husband. That is my preference. As soon as my husband gets a job, he will indeed get a psychotherapist because he knows that he needs one. I even talked to a friend of mine who works at a facility for depressed people and told me that my husband's actions are actually red flags for immediate treatment. We have agreed to an agreement in terms of child support, visitations etc. My concern now is how to really take care of myself and my kids. What are the things that I can do and practice so that my children (4year old boy and 16 months old girl) will be less affected by our separation? I know that they will be affected but I just want to make sure that they will still grow up psychologically healthy and not disturbed. My husband must have been affected so much by his parent's divorce because for 11 years of his life he thought he has a good, happy and unbreakable family and suddenly him and his mom went home to the Philippines because his parents have separated and in the process of divorce. He was even told a lot of truths just this year on the reasons that added to his parents' break-up (how shocking and affecting could that have been for him!)We came from different family backgrounds and from where he came from he may not have been taught the value of marriage as much as I believe in it. My family are very close and I grew up seeing my parents in love, even after my father's death, my mother loved my father so much that she did not re-marry because she could not find someone as good as my father and besides, she never really thought of it because it is my father whom she will ever love. Even if there is still a chance, I do not want to hold on to that because I do not want to wait and at the end be hurt again. My friend from Florida who is a counselor told me that there is chance specially when my husband fixes his depression and fixes his personal issues. But, like I said, she advised me not to hope, leave the hoping to my friends and family and I should start moving on and plan a better future for myself and our kids without "him". Thanks to technology I could chat with my family back home and also share my pains and happiness (in the future) with my family, friends and with you guys. A new found family who would really understand where I am coming from. Nobody wanted their marriages to be in this situation or to end. I was told by my sister that what is happening isn’t God’s will in our lives because it is causing so much pain. God gave us free will and certain decisions, actions and inactions led them to where we are. She made me see that although this is now happening, we can see God’s hand in this because amidst my despair, He sends me people who genuinely care and can help me. Thank you guys for reading my VERY long post. I needed to share my story to "let it out" and as therapy to myself; and also to finally sit down and take time to document this life-changing experience! With this, I can look back and see how far I have come... for the better. Yes, I am very scared to be a single mother of 2 kids but these two kids are enough to keep me strong despite my own pains and loneliness. I am never alone anyway because I know I am still loved by a lot of other people. What do you guys think? Do I still have a chance or not? Have a great weekend to all of you and Happy New Year!
imagine Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Wow, I hope that everything will be sorted. Please break into smaller bits.
BikerBeagle Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 My friend from Florida who is a counselor told me that there is chance specially when my husband fixes his depression and fixes his personal issues. But, like I said, she advised me not to hope, leave the hoping to my friends and family and I should start moving on and plan a better future for myself and our kids without "him". I'm really hesitant about giving advice in this situation because I'm relatively certain there's a whole other side the story we aren't hearing. Nevertheless, the above advice from your 'friend' in Florida is good. (Curious, though, why you put "him" in double quotes.)
Author Athalanthas Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 I'm really hesitant about giving advice in this situation because I'm relatively certain there's a whole other side the story we aren't hearing. Nevertheless, the above advice from your 'friend' in Florida is good. (Curious, though, why you put "him" in double quotes.) I just double quoted the word because I do not even know how to call my husband. Like If I can still call him my husband or it is much appropriate to start calling him my ex-husband or "baby daddy" ...
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