That Emotion Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I recently had an affair with a girl I met online. We phoned a lot and exchanged a couple pics and vids. It was an emotional affair for me. Something I don't have in my marriage and never really did. It ended after a couple months. I am over her, but I am not over the emotion it brought out. I recently registered on a dating type website, cuz I am looking for this mutual passion. Please don't tell me to either find that passion with my wife or go get a divorce. That is not the purpose of this thread. If you can't get past that piece of it, please don't post. I'd like to know the pitfalls of these dating sites beyond the obvious. Does anyone have any experience with them? What happened? Thank you in advance for your help. Warm regards, TE
samsungxoxo Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Please don't tell me to either find that passion with my wife or go get a divorce. That is not the purpose of this thread. If you can't get past that piece of it, please don't post. Unless it was an open relationship, you really can't have two things at once. You do have to put yourself in your wife's position, if you found out she was doing the same thing, would you be ok with it? If the answer is yes, go for it, if not then you get the point. As far as the dating sites, it can work. I did met my boyfriend at myspace. You can try myspace, or lava too. But Lave is the most recommended one, though think you have to pay some money. But I dunno, the woman on the site might end up being married as well and only use you for her fun.
Author That Emotion Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Thanks sam. I might not mind if I find someone who is also attached. I intend to keep anything I get into at arms length for a while. I wouldn't mind it going slowly like the thing I had with the other girl, but I appreciate your advice.
Author That Emotion Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I was hoping a little more feedback.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I recently had an affair with a girl I met online. We phoned a lot and exchanged a couple pics and vids. It was an emotional affair for me. Something I don't have in my marriage and never really did. It ended after a couple months. I am over her, but I am not over the emotion it brought out. I recently registered on a dating type website, cuz I am looking for this mutual passion. Please don't tell me to either find that passion with my wife or go get a divorce. That is not the purpose of this thread. Sorry, I'm not going to tell you what the pitfalls of dating sites are if thats the only thing you care about. And I will tell you that you need a divorce. Be a man, or get out.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I was hoping a little more feedback. See your comment about not wanting to hear about divorcing your wife. I don't think many people are interested in helping you make cheating easier. And only the worst kinds will oblige you.
LavendarGirl Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 TE, If you do decide to use the dating sites, please please please...be honest with the women you meet and tell them upfront that you are married and looking to play on the side. --LG.
samsungxoxo Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 If you do decide to use the dating sites, please please please...be honest with the women you meet and tell them upfront that you are married and looking to play on the side. Yes totally agree.
sally4sara Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I wonder sometimes why its always the same line. "I don't want to hurt my wife so I won't tell her I want an open relationship, but I won't divorce her either." You dread telling her you have zero passion for her now and for always. You are that certain that she has no clue how much passion you lack for her that she is just happy go lucky with things as is till you say it out loud. I'm sorry, but you've been in your relationship much longer than I've been in mine......I bet good money she's more aware of your feelings than you'd ever guess. Maybe she'd like (or already has) some side piece too and is just waiting for you to admit your end before telling you. And why always the assumption that a divorce would hurt her more than you just turning away or cheating. Keep it up and she'll start asking questions, sensing things are not right. "Honey are you cheating?" And you'll lie and make her think maybe she's going crazy. She won't know what to make of how she feels after awhile. It also amazes me how some folk are careful and make sure to marry someone with certain qualities because it indicates it will make them a good spouse. So careful with the choosing without ever giving a care as to whether they can live up to that good spouse and deserve them. But you were not concerned with being perfect hubby material. Just getting that good wifey you're entitled to. THAT was the important part. Make sure you raise your daughter to be good wifey material too buddy!
norajane Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Well, one pitfall is your wife might find out what you're doing, especially if any of her friends are single and use dating sites. Then you'll end up with that divorce you don't want.
torranceshipman Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Well I would say for Pete's sake, just grow some cajones already, be a man, and show some backbone by dealing with your M first instead of sneaking around behind your W's back! But OK you said you didn't want that type of advice so I wont give it Regarding that dating site thing - my advice is you can meet nice girls there but for the love of God be honest with them and tell them you are only looking for some fun-maybe a sordid little ad on Craigslist would be better (but oh God I feel sorry for your W as I type this and at the very least use something so you don't bring home a kanky ass STD to infect your W with)...also, re: dating sites, if you string some poor woman along and break her heart by keeping your status concealed then you are a complete jerk and you'd better hope that the idea of karma isnt actually real...else your ass is totally fried. I wasn't trying to flame you in this post, but man, you've sunk low andso it's hard to put a positive spin on any of this, but hey, its advice! Hope that helped:laugh:
Author That Emotion Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 TE, If you do decide to use the dating sites, please please please...be honest with the women you meet and tell them upfront that you are married and looking to play on the side. --LG. But OK you said you didn't want that type of advice so I wont give it Regarding that dating site thing - my advice is you can meet nice girls there but for the love of God be honest with them and tell them you are only looking for some fun...re: dating sites, if you string some poor woman along and break her heart by keeping your status concealed then you are a complete jerk and you'd better hope that the idea of karma isnt actually real...else your ass is totally fried. Thanks LG, and nice to see you again. and Thanks for your post too ts. Yes, I've been very clear on that site about my situation and what I want. It's web and phone only. I wonder sometimes why its always the same line. "I don't want to hurt my wife so I won't tell her I want an open relationship, but I won't divorce her either." You dread telling her you have zero passion for her now I do? Nah, she knows.
theBrokenMuse Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I do? Nah, she knows. What I am going to say might sound a little mean but the 4x4 is well meant. Post after post, all you have done is whine about how you've settled for your wife and how she isn't what you want or need. If you cared about this woman - at all, you'd be the one to bite the bullet and let her go as she is likely to be suffering from your admission in ways you can't even imagine. No one wants to be told that their mate whom they love doesn't feel anything for them. It's a slow, torturous emotional death having to deal with that knowledge day in and day out. It can rob you of your self-esteem, your security and your self-respect. People who stay often justify it with the false hope that their spouse will one day wake the hell up and finally see what's in front of them but more often then not, that little scenario remains just a fantasy and the person ends up much more crushed and bitter having just wasted even more of their lives on someone who had no interest in being a real partner to them. If she's a good woman then she deserves actual love which you are incapable of giving her. She's certainly worth more than merely being tolerated by a husband that sees her as a giant mistake. You aren't doing her any favors by keeping her around. In fact, it's the most sadistic thing you could do.
torranceshipman Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 This is really an insight into the mind of a serial cheater! Maybe it's just a lack of empathy for others, or something, that makes you think this kind of behavior is okay? I guess it might also be because you're just way too scared to end your M? I think that might be the reason for this behavior...I can see how you might lie to yourself to pretend that disrespecting your W is ok, so you don't have to face up to the hard reality of a D...lots of people get too scared to change things-I guess you're just one of those people? I guess thats how cake eaters are made... No advice here other than maybe people on the OW/OM forum should maybe read this thread and ask some questions to understand how someone thinks this way!
MichelleS1983 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I was on a dating site earlier and there are alot of men lying about their status because most single women aren't interested in being their secret 'buddy.' So the sleazeballs would lie about their status. I would have no problem whatsoever telling some sleaze's wife what he's up to if I get tricked by one of these married losers. I understand there are quite a few 'lonely' married women on dating sites as well, so I guess as long as you're honest about your status, there will probably be others looking for the same thing. Quite honestly, I'm sick to damned death of married liars infiltrating DATING sites. Surely with all the places on the web, you people can conduct your sleazy business elsewhere? Bad enough married liars had to saturate Myspace and turn that into a sewer (and they've now moved over to Facebook to stain that as well). How about Philanderers or AshleyMadison? Those are known cheater sites. Maybe you'll find your cyber princess there.
Saville Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Falling for someone unwittingly and having a physical affair is much more honest that what you are proposing. Really, you are only using others so as to gratify yourself. I understand this wonderful emotion you felt, and all the concomitant excitement, but you are actually defeating the beauty that you felt in the first place. You said it wasn't about your loins, but just what do you think this kind of excitement is? I remember when I was a young boy, I ate the most delicious chicken sandwich, and I wished to repeat that taste experience again. However, I was never able to duplicate the circumstances that led to such a taste phenomenon. The next affair will bring you less satisfaction, and the obvious next step will be to meet in person. You experienced something real and wonderful, even though it was cheating, and had the opportunity to move past simple titillation. No matter how grandiloquent your fantasy, you are worse than someone who happened to fall for somebody outside of marriage, because your efforts now are premeditated. Do you really wish to stop your growth as a person in such a cheap fashion? Anyone that would commiserate with you on how you might become such a duplicitous person, likewise needs to examine their motives. Saville
samsungxoxo Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 How about Philanderers or AshleyMadison? Those are known cheater sites. Maybe you'll find your cyber princess there. Wow, you really did it on that one, since that was what the poster was looking for, lol. He should be thanking you when he comes back and writes again.
Author That Emotion Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Wow, you really did it on that one, since that was what the poster was looking for, lol. He should be thanking you when he comes back and writes again. I was already beyond the curve with those sites, so that poster needn't worry. Falling for someone unwittingly and having a physical affair is much more honest that what you are proposing. Really, you are only using others so as to gratify yourself. I understand this wonderful emotion you felt, and all the concomitant excitement, but you are actually defeating the beauty that you felt in the first place. You said it wasn't about your loins, but just what do you think this kind of excitement is? I remember when I was a young boy, I ate the most delicious chicken sandwich, and I wished to repeat that taste experience again. However, I was never able to duplicate the circumstances that led to such a taste phenomenon. The next affair will bring you less satisfaction, and the obvious next step will be to meet in person. You experienced something real and wonderful, even though it was cheating, and had the opportunity to move past simple titillation. No matter how grandiloquent your fantasy, you are worse than someone who happened to fall for somebody outside of marriage, because your efforts now are premeditated. Do you really wish to stop your growth as a person in such a cheap fashion? Anyone that would commiserate with you on how you might become such a duplicitous person, likewise needs to examine their motives. Saville Yeah. I'm finding that out. I didn't know, ya know? I mean, I thought I'd find that again easily, but by searching for it, the others I've met, I simply don't have that same chicken sandwich experience with. It hasn't been even remotely fulfilling. So I am an idiot with these matters. It's hard to just take some strangers word for it. Even if it makes good logical sense, I needed to find out for myself. So call me whatever names you like. I did this for my own discovery. I never got physical. IMO, that is a better way. The search ends here though. IF something like this ever happens to me again, first I'll probably not even engage in it - knowing that it likely ultimately leads nowhere, but at the very least it won't be something I've sought out. Thank you for being there for me LoveShack. This may be my last post. Best wishes to all of you. That Emotion
Dexter Morgan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 TE, If you do decide to use the dating sites, please please please...be honest with the women you meet and tell them upfront that you are married and looking to play on the side. --LG. Yes, be honest.....with ALL these women......except his own wife:confused:
Dexter Morgan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 This is really an insight into the mind of a serial cheater! Maybe it's just a lack of empathy for others, or something, that makes you think this kind of behavior is okay? What I'm wondering is, why wouldn't he want to get a divorce? Why wouldn't he want to do right by his wife and set her free? Then he can do whatever he wants knowing she can do the same.
Author That Emotion Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 What I'm wondering is, why wouldn't he want to get a divorce? In the wake of such an offering many lives would be changed for the worse. For my children AND my wife there would be devastation. Even if my W knew every detail of my non-physical affair, she would not want a divorce. Yet you would have me take such a measure anyway, before I've even sorted what it is I'm going through. You would have me reap a path of destruction that nobody wants. Yours is shallow soap box advice.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 In the wake of such an offering many lives would be changed for the worse. For my children AND my wife there would be devastation. Such is the thinking of a cake eater. Even if my W knew every detail of my non-physical affair, she would not want a divorce. If that is true, then she has her own problems to work through. But I wonder if she'd feel the same knowing how you TRULY feel about her. I doubt it. And if she still didn't want a divorce, it would only be for her kids. So if what you say is true, looks like she is just going to have to put up with a cheating man and you can justify it in your own mind. Yet you would have me take such a measure anyway, before I've even sorted what it is I'm going through. What is there to sort out? You are here asking people advice on dating services:confused: You would have me reap a path of destruction that nobody wants. Gee, never looked at it that way. Its much better to cheat on your wife so you can have it all your way. Kind of like Burger King. Yours is shallow soap box advice. Coming from a cheater, do you really think I am going to lose sleep at night with that? And me shallow? Uh, take a look in the mirror buddy. I think you need to understand the meaning of the word "shallow" before you use it in a sentence. You are the one screwing other women and cheating on your wife all the while thinking you are doing the best thing for her. Get real.
Makemesmile Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Emotion, you kindly offered your words & advise last week. However you are looking to do the same thing he did to me. Please dont do it, either lay in the bed you made or walk away. If you dont want to hurt her then dont, i thought the problem was me for many mths and i went crazy, checking up, reading emails etc... and it tore me apart. I have gone through so many emotions, rejection i'm not good enough, what did i do wrong? How could he? Who is she? So many questions and emotions. I felt a fool, still do. I wish i had of known mths ago instead of carrying on thiking we where happy! Its the worst feeling in the world. Once you bring another into the relationship it can not be fixed and the hurt will always be there and it would be hard to live with. Please Emotion dont do itx
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