Ezekiel1337 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 She breaks NC constantly. At first, i had to stop contacting her, because i think she was thriving on my attention. When i stopped contacting her... she would text me. At no point have I been mean about this. I have been very mature and let her know that we broke up because weve been together since she was 15 and i was 18, and now she feels differently. She cant decide what she wants though. She wants to come back, but i keep telling her she needs to stay away. I told her its not that i dont like her. Its because she needs to really appreciate who i am and what ive done. Everything ive done for her, she has grown up with. She doesnt know any other way of being treated. I want her to realize all this. Right now, thats not what is happening. She just hurts, and misses my presence. I want to find out that she misses ME, not my company. She isnt dating, she says she needs space. She goes to parties, and feels compelled to tell me so. I dont express jelousy. She went so far as to tell me that guys are offering her sympathy sex, but that she cant do it because she's not ready. She also says she hasnt taken my rings off. She says she cant. Today, she txt me saying that she wants to be with me so bad, but she knows she needs to be away. She said it hurt to think that she would never be with me again. I told her, that she can be with me again, if she wants to. I said, but right now she needs to be away from me. And that that is the reason i broke us up, because she needed it. After the first break up 2 1/2 weeks ago, i gave her a deadline, that if she was gone longer than X amount of weeks than i wouldnt take her back. That was only because i was afraid she would be with another man. So she came back. We broke up a week later. But now, i told her that was the reason i gave her a deadline. But through all this ive learned thats not who she is. Since that is not who she is, she deserves all the time she needs. This seemed to elate her, she txt back saying that she couldnt do that because of how guilty she would feel, and how it would be unfair to both that guy and me. I think she does want to come back, i mean god... she said it. But i (like ive said before) am resisting every urge to take her back now so as not to sabatoge this. IF its not meant to be, it will become evident with time. If it is, she will come back at the right time. But if i take her back now, it will for sure go downhill. She still hasnt learned a different way of life, without the shade i have offered for years now, 3 1/2. (YOu dont miss the shade till the tree is gone) This conversation happened today by text, im trying desperatly not to talk on the phone. But she called me last night after work, i tried to make it as SHORT as possible. She said she wanted me to enjoy my new years. She constantly tells me she still loves me. This is really torture though. I need advice on how to handle this. Clearly something about all this could ruin something. But then again, i dont know how to go about NC. It doesnt look like she wants that. We dont hate eachother, as a matter of fact we still love eachother. She needs space, and im slowly realizing.... so do i. I mean every day of every week of every month (with the exception of a few days) almost all day together. We both do need space. I didnt want this to end, she did. But she is going back on it for the second time. LIke i said before, i want to know if this is what is meant to be.
Riffmeister General Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Wow, you're pinning a lot of faith in the old 'it's meant to be, life will show me the way' mantra. I personally think life's more about choices, but that's just my OPINION. If you want her back, and she wants to come back, then you have a choice, yes or no. Apologies if I've missed a crucial fact here... Can you suggest that you're just friends to begin with, give each other space if that's what you want for yourself and think that's what she needs, without this guilt attached to being in contact with her? Seems unnecessary to me. There's a lot of toing and froing going on, and in my humble opinion, when you strip away the unnecessary mess, you love her, she seems to want you. You can choose to risk it, get back together, or don't, cut her off, then wonder why she drifted away from you. Life's a casino, and the croupier is calling your hand...
Author Ezekiel1337 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I guess your right. It's to soon to take her, back... i really really want to. But something like this will happen again. She doesnt know what life is like without me, and i dont know what life is like without her. Both of us need to find out before we get back together, I think. I know i keep doing the whole "time will tell" thing. But since im not in school right now, i cant make any friends, the ones i have been missing out on for my entire college life. People have given me their numbers to hang out and stuff, but i never did it cus i have spent almost all day with my ex. When the semester starts, ill be able to forget about her more and start living my life. She has her friends, from work... and i guarantee you this is much easier for her. She says this is hard, but i dont think its as hard as for me. IM at home ALL DAY right now. The only thing to take my mind off of her is to play my god damn computer game non stop. I dont know if im denial right now, but she is definatly putting me through it. I want to just be able to forget about her for some time while i give her and me time to find out if this is what we want. But its hard right now with basically no friends and no where to go. Luckily, an old girlfriend that is now a very good friend of mine messaged me asking how i was, and telling me i should call her to hang out. Im going to take her up on it, she has always been very understanding. But im not going to do ANYTHING with her. This is all very confusing for me. She keeps texting that she loves me, what am i supposed to feel? I regret not making the friends i should have. But, thats all it is, regret, nothing i can do about it now but ride this next week out until the semester starts and some friends get back in town from visiting their folks. Jeez, im just realizing how this is all affecting me.
EmperorR Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Usually when you break up with someone and get back together the same thing that broke you up will happen again. If you fixed the thing that caused it and you really want her then all means go back Beest of luck in your decision.
Riffmeister General Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I guess your right. It's to soon to take her, back... i really really want to. But something like this will happen again. She doesnt know what life is like without me, and i dont know what life is like without her. Both of us need to find out before we get back together, I think. I know i keep doing the whole "time will tell" thing. But since im not in school right now, i cant make any friends, the ones i have been missing out on for my entire college life. People have given me their numbers to hang out and stuff, but i never did it cus i have spent almost all day with my ex. When the semester starts, ill be able to forget about her more and start living my life. She has her friends, from work... and i guarantee you this is much easier for her. She says this is hard, but i dont think its as hard as for me. IM at home ALL DAY right now. The only thing to take my mind off of her is to play my god damn computer game non stop. I dont know if im denial right now, but she is definatly putting me through it. I want to just be able to forget about her for some time while i give her and me time to find out if this is what we want. But its hard right now with basically no friends and no where to go. Luckily, an old girlfriend that is now a very good friend of mine messaged me asking how i was, and telling me i should call her to hang out. Im going to take her up on it, she has always been very understanding. But im not going to do ANYTHING with her. This is all very confusing for me. She keeps texting that she loves me, what am i supposed to feel? I regret not making the friends i should have. But, thats all it is, regret, nothing i can do about it now but ride this next week out until the semester starts and some friends get back in town from visiting their folks. Jeez, im just realizing how this is all affecting me. Ok, now we're getting closer to the truth! Now this is something I can relate to. I came to Canada for a year travelling single. It was only after I got here that my ex said she wasn't going to let me get away from her and we'd be a proper couple while I was here instead of her 'waiting', she'd visit a couple of times, all would be fine (excuse me while I choke up a bit). Well, my plans got changed quite a lot to begin with as I had to get up to Whistler for the winter season way earlier if I wanted somewhere to stay (housing becomes impossible to find by August!). So, I'm stuck in a place I didn't plan to be in for anywhere near this long, didn't really hold anything for me until the snow came, so I was bored, depressed cos I wanted to be going to other places, and lonely. Whistler's a weird place, a bit like Disneyland, and everyone is very cliquey, by which I mean everyone's got their group of friends and they're not interested in strangers. This is exactly where I developed my overdependence on my ex. She was the only person I communicated with every day without fail, who knew me, cared about me, offered support. There were other options like parents and mates etc, but she was my g/f and she gave me more than the others could. Unfortunately, as I said, I became overdependent. I didn't keep in touch with friends back home, I didn't call my parents as often as I should have, I stopped trying to go out and make friends. I sat in, watched TV and video called my g/f. I thought she was giving me all I needed. Well, you know what happened next. Six months later it's over, and I feel like my life-support machine has been taken away and given to someone who doesn't need it. It was a big shock. But here's the revelation. One of my housemates who really doesn't pull any punches, said that finally I can get out and see what this place is really about. My head had been with her, not here with me. Without meaning to and without me realising, she'd been holding me back. Suddenly I realised I've done nothing with my time here, and now I have this marvellous opportunity to get out there and experience it. I've probably done more in the last 5 days than I have in the last 5 months! I'm meeting new people, riding with people I haven't before, because my time is free and I'm not planning around when she can have a video call. I hardly need to point out the relevance to you there, I'm sure. You're dead on it. Get out there, experience life as you're 'supposed' to (whatever that means), make friends, have fun! Remember, friends are your most precious commodity after family. Perhaps you're holding each other back a bit. Go have separate lives for a bit, then come back to the relationship better people.
Author Ezekiel1337 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Ok, now we're getting closer to the truth! Now this is something I can relate to. I came to Canada for a year travelling single. It was only after I got here that my ex said she wasn't going to let me get away from her and we'd be a proper couple while I was here instead of her 'waiting', she'd visit a couple of times, all would be fine (excuse me while I choke up a bit). Well, my plans got changed quite a lot to begin with as I had to get up to Whistler for the winter season way earlier if I wanted somewhere to stay (housing becomes impossible to find by August!). So, I'm stuck in a place I didn't plan to be in for anywhere near this long, didn't really hold anything for me until the snow came, so I was bored, depressed cos I wanted to be going to other places, and lonely. Whistler's a weird place, a bit like Disneyland, and everyone is very cliquey, by which I mean everyone's got their group of friends and they're not interested in strangers. This is exactly where I developed my overdependence on my ex. She was the only person I communicated with every day without fail, who knew me, cared about me, offered support. There were other options like parents and mates etc, but she was my g/f and she gave me more than the others could. Unfortunately, as I said, I became overdependent. I didn't keep in touch with friends back home, I didn't call my parents as often as I should have, I stopped trying to go out and make friends. I sat in, watched TV and video called my g/f. I thought she was giving me all I needed. Well, you know what happened next. Six months later it's over, and I feel like my life-support machine has been taken away and given to someone who doesn't need it. It was a big shock. But here's the revelation. One of my housemates who really doesn't pull any punches, said that finally I can get out and see what this place is really about. My head had been with her, not here with me. Without meaning to and without me realising, she'd been holding me back. Suddenly I realised I've done nothing with my time here, and now I have this marvellous opportunity to get out there and experience it. I've probably done more in the last 5 days than I have in the last 5 months! I'm meeting new people, riding with people I haven't before, because my time is free and I'm not planning around when she can have a video call. I hardly need to point out the relevance to you there, I'm sure. You're dead on it. Get out there, experience life as you're 'supposed' to (whatever that means), make friends, have fun! Remember, friends are your most precious commodity after family. Perhaps you're holding each other back a bit. Go have separate lives for a bit, then come back to the relationship better people. Thanks bro, i think thats what i need. For right now, im going to try to get out tommorow. Im going to go to work (only old people work there, so i dont consider it an opportunity for friends, its a pediatric clinic with only 40+ employees, im 21) and afterwards go to the gym. When i get out, ill go see my ex ex and hopefully she can help me through this a bit... she always has been great with my other problems. You're right though, if we live our lives seperate, mabey we can appreciate eachother more if this happens to work later. I dont want to expect to get back together though, but im definatly not ready to date... thats for sure. Thanks for your advice again.
Riffmeister General Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 only old people work there, so i dont consider it an opportunity for friends, its a pediatric clinic with only 40+ employees Haha! I worked in one of those! Those 40+ (mostly) women were some of the most fun people I've ever worked with! But you're right, perhaps not drinking buddy material... Good luck man. I'm going through the same; you're in for a treat!
lovingalways Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I guess your right. It's to soon to take her, back... i really really want to. But something like this will happen again. She doesnt know what life is like without me, and i dont know what life is like without her. Both of us need to find out before we get back together, I think. I know i keep doing the whole "time will tell" thing. But since im not in school right now, i cant make any friends, the ones i have been missing out on for my entire college life. People have given me their numbers to hang out and stuff, but i never did it cus i have spent almost all day with my ex. When the semester starts, ill be able to forget about her more and start living my life. She has her friends, from work... and i guarantee you this is much easier for her. She says this is hard, but i dont think its as hard as for me. IM at home ALL DAY right now. The only thing to take my mind off of her is to play my god damn computer game non stop. I dont know if im denial right now, but she is definatly putting me through it. I want to just be able to forget about her for some time while i give her and me time to find out if this is what we want. But its hard right now with basically no friends and no where to go. Luckily, an old girlfriend that is now a very good friend of mine messaged me asking how i was, and telling me i should call her to hang out. Im going to take her up on it, she has always been very understanding. But im not going to do ANYTHING with her. This is all very confusing for me. She keeps texting that she loves me, what am i supposed to feel? I regret not making the friends i should have. But, thats all it is, regret, nothing i can do about it now but ride this next week out until the semester starts and some friends get back in town from visiting their folks. Jeez, im just realizing how this is all affecting me. I know your issue has been "solved", but I just wanted to let you know that no MATTER WHAT friends come first. You can have an ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS relationship with all of your friends being a part of it, as well as you meeting other people. It is all about balance and time management. Manage your time wisely and you'll be able to have both, amazing friends and an amazing gf. This is how I do it with my current bf: he has his friends; I have my friends; we have mutual friends. When he feels like he wants to see his friends (which can sometimes be every single day), I let him. I'm not jealous AT ALL because I believe that friends are VERY important for both of us. So, even if we have made plans, sometimes he would call me and say "I really want to see you, but my friend just called me to go rock climbing. Would you mind if I went and saw you tomorrow or some other day? Or maybe you want to come with?" And I'm perfectly fine. Sometimes I would join them, other times I would call up a friend myself and go out. And then there are times when we both just feel like being together (alone) and we spend the whole day together. You know the old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and that is VERY true. When we don't see each other for a week and a half, or we see each other but it's with other people too, and then are alone, we have SO MUCH to talk about and we really put in everything in that time we're alone together. And honestly, my last relationship (with my ex) was suffocating because all he wanted to do is see me and I wanted to see him all the time - which ultimately led to our demise and realization that we have almost no friends. You never want that to happen. I KNOW that my current bf wants to see me and misses me because I FULLY TRUST HIM and I can just feel it and that's all I need. I don't need to see him 24/7 or dedicate my life to him. We can make a life that is good for both of us - balanced life. So, a word of suggestion: try this. The only way to be able to do this is to talk with the other person about it. See where they stand with their friends. And come to an agreement. As far as maturity and confusion goes, give her some space. She obviously needs some time and she will realize that soon. I just wanted to give my input on the friends thing.
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