starzphalling Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Ok so I'm getting to the point where I think I'm going NC for a while because its what i should do, and it hurts to talk to him when he tries to just chit chat. And if I ever want him back, he has to have time without me to figure out if he misses me at all....sooooooo To all the dumpers who's ex's have gone NC, how often did you think of them? And did you ever contact them, if you did how long before you did? And I have to do this if I ever want another chance right?..i don't know...i hate this... I'm just doing the same thing that everyone does, that paranoia of if I stop talking to them I'll never hear from them again. I don't know I can't decide if I'm happy that he said that he hadn't given up on "us" and he wants to keep the door open for the future, just not right now, but that it was up to me too, and if I could wait or if I was done. I have no clue what time frame he is talking about and I didn't want to ask. So I'm going with a few years down the line if ever (even though my heart wants it to be a week away)My 8 year relationship ex told me "This will not be the last time I kiss you" when he dumped me and never looked back...so I know whats really going to happen, but i still want to hold that hope like everyone else does....I don't know..its a bad day. He was supposed to come out for New Years, and drive down to my new college with me so....i'm not doing good. I just can't stop thinking of it. I was going to have support for going to this school which is a full days drive from everyone else I have in my life, and now I'm doing it alone. Well I went like a day without crying lol, time to start over.... (oh and btw he sent me a happy new years text last night, which i did not respond to....because its not a happy new years lol...)
D-Lish Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Not responding to his NYE text is the first step to getting through this. People don't forget about you just because you step out of their lives. You going NC will put him in the position to figure out what he is missing. He can't miss you when you are still there for him. Just let this play out for a while. Employing NC gives you back the power you have lost during the break up. It's rocky- there will be good days and bad days. I think you have to look at it as: he either comes back wanting to be your bf... or he doesn't get to come back. No middle ground. I have only been ignoring my ex for a week. I know it's getting to him, but I will not be his "buddy" just because it makes him feel better. Hang in there. He's going to wonder why you didn't respond- because YOU ALWAYS do right? You're doing the opposite of what wasn't working before. NC isn't a game to win someone back. You do it for yourself and treat it as if you are moving on. Please come and post here first if he texts you again before texting him back!! Let people give you some perspective first.
Riffmeister General Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Ok, well, here's my opinion, for what it's worth... You're thinking the right things about giving him time to see if he misses you etc, but don't hope that he does. I'm going through the exact same thing of being scared of NC because I might never hear from her again. In fact, in my email to her, I said if I didn't write this to tell you what I'm going through, I might never hear from you again. She said if I ever wanted to be friends again, PLEASE get in touch. So she's rather cleverly put the pressure on me. Or given me the power. I'm too confused to know which is which. I haven't been blameless in the past. I've broken up with 2 girls, and I didn't handle either very well. As the dumper, I have to tell you, no, I didn't contact them. I didn't want to, partly out of shame, partly out of fear of getting an earful. However, the second girl was a good friend before we went out, and we had the same friend groups, so it was difficult to avoid her completely, but I did try, I shamefully admit. That's cos I'm a coward and didn't want to face up to how much I'd hurt her. Eventually we met up at a mutual event (this was a few months down the line) by which time she wasn't OVER it, but was ready to be civil. I think that's what the dumper waits for, a sign that you're over it and can safely contact you. Thing is, I've no idea how she'll ever know, guess? Leave it a few months? Will she crack after this time and risk it? Will she care by then? Will she even remember who I am? Will it be when she realises her new guy has not a shred of integrity and breaks her heart and she remembers how I never hurt her once and that she gave all that up...? Sorry, stream of consciousness... But there's the point. MAYBE SOME dumpers don't get back in touch because of shame, guilt, not wanting to face the mess they made of us, NOT because they don't care. I know my ex won't get in touch because a) she probably thinks I hate her right now, b) I told her I don't need reminders of her and I MAY be in contact in the future but it's gonna take a long time, and c) cos she's with this new guy and would think it inappropriate. Forget about the bread trail he left you. It'll only mess your mind up and stop it becoming clear. Accept that he may not get back in touch on his own. If this is the case, then he obviously wasn't worth it and that will help you not care as much. In my case, I know she'll get in contact some time cos we've been friends for so long and she wants us to be friends, but I accept that'll be maybe 6 months down the line, by which time I like to think I'll have moved on.
Author starzphalling Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 thanx for the responses, keep em coming, hopefully i'll be here to read them...i think my brain may explode soon. though i will say, im doing good...i haven't sent the like 30 letters i've written.......yup...brain will definately explode soon....
D-Lish Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 thanx for the responses, keep em coming, hopefully i'll be here to read them...i think my brain may explode soon. though i will say, im doing good...i haven't sent the like 30 letters i've written.......yup...brain will definately explode soon.... Keep writing them because it's therapeutic. Sending them is self-destructive! The point is to get him out of your system. At some point it will be VERY GOOD for you to busy yourself doing something else. Something that won't remind you of him. Of course you have to face your demons- but that shouldn't be a full time endeavour. Balance is key. You'll get a text or a phone call sooner rather than later. At first he will wonder if you got the text... then he will wonder if you're okay. The he will move to the "why is she ignoring me?" He can't help but wonder- because he's experiencing something out of character from you. But stand strong. Perhaps at some point you may want to tell him you can't be his buddy anymore- but not right now. See how it plays out. There's "something" there hun, or he wouldn't be hanging about still. He must decide what that "something" is. NC will help him do that. Regardless- you deserve to have someone who wants to be there 100%. Remaining his friend or going NC won't force him to want that. Going NC will just help him figure it out sooner rather than later. It also gives you respite from the confusion and mixed messages he sends to you. For all purposes- start planning as if it's over. I'm squirming right here with you sweetie. I feel guilt for not responding- I want to have my say with him... and a host of other things. But NC is the best option. The last two guys I cut contact with after they were jackasses came back with a vengence. By the time they did I was over them- and had already recognized what a mistake it would have been to stay with them. NC is a win-win situation.
Author starzphalling Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 See how it plays out. There's "something" there hun, or he wouldn't be hanging about still. He must decide what that "something" is. NC will help him do that. ok so this part really hit me. i thought girls were supposed to be the ones that never knew what we want. why is it when it comes to relationships it seems the guys always question their wants, and when it comes to dinner we can't figure out what we want..... but it is true...there is something here. i think what is making this hard for me is we never had a problem, never fought about anything, communicated better than any relationship i've ever had...one mention of me moving closer to him, and he cuts tail and runs... like i've said before we've known each other for three years. i knew he had feelings for me for about a year or so, but i held back because i wasn't ready. he never stopped trying, he never gave up that he would get me...but now...he gets scared and runs?.....if this had been a typical breakup where there were fights and major problems that no one wanted to look at it would be easier.....but it wasn't...i'm driving myself insane.....
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