izzylicious Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Hi Loveshackers, I met a guy on a dating site last week and we had a great one hour phone call and then met in person. We spent 5 hours together talking, laughing and also getting into deep and personal discussions, it was great, even he said so. I waited 4 days but didn't hear from him, so I finally called and left a message and he called me back and after another fun engaging conversation I finally asked him if he had had a good time and he said he had but he felt the friend vibe, not a romantic vibe. We were able to talk about it openly and he said he wanted to continue to hang out and be friends and that that was a new approach for him because he hasn't met anyone on a dating site before that he got along so well with that he wanted to continue a friendship. I told him that I really liked how comfortable and easy our conversations were, even about awkward topics and I that I was disappointed because I thought that could signal good potential for something more. This is actually the second time this has happened to me and I'm so confused about men who "know" after a first date that they don't feel a romantic vibe. For me the first date is to test the waters and even see if I like the guy, and if there is that easy flow of conversation then I think it takes time to see if more develops. So my questions are: is it a bad idea to "be friends" with him? (he did tell me that if he really weren't interested in me period that he would have said so) and also, what the heck is it with men equating a fun and comfortable conversation with not having chemistry? I'm not a super model or perfect, but I am fairly attractive and average size, reasonably confident, self-employed and in grad school.
JoeNewbie Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Some relationships develop after a long friendship but these are pretty rare. I normally know within a few seconds whether a woman is dating material or not. In your case, he simply wasn't attracted to you. As for remaining friends or not, depends what your objective is. If you want to be friends, hoping it might turn into more, I'd say that's the wrong approach. If you truly want to be friends with that guy, then why not.
BCCA Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I've gone out with girls who were a lot of fun to talk to, but I didn't want to date them. He probably thought you were a nice enough girl, but just didn't feel the spark for whatever reason. As for equating a comfortable conversation with not having chemistry, for me personally, if I'm opening up about all my personal biz on the first date its generally because Im not that into the girl and I dont really care what her response to what I'm saying is. He might have dropped his gaurd because he didnt feel an attraction, and went right into friend mode. It has nothing to do with looks if he went out with you once, he just didnt get the vibe that you were what he was looking for in a gf. Dating is agrevating because you have a lot of these seemingly missed connections, but all you can do is keep trying or take a break.
Author izzylicious Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 So for a guy being attracted=dating potential, not "we converse openly and comfortably about many things and that means if we are dating we would have fun and also be able to avoid many of the pitfalls of not having open communication?" That's what I don't understand. I have tried dating men who I was merely attracted to but there was poor communication, and it sucks. How in the world can you tell in seconds if a woman is dating potential?
BCCA Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 The thing is, there is no magic answer. I can honestly tell within about 5 minutes if I want to date the person again, and even then, sometimes I change my mind later. Having open communication is great, but perhaps talking about so many personal things gives guys the impression that youre looking to move fast into a committed relationship. Even if they are, too, you would do yourself a favor to keep your cards closer to your chest initially. You want to get to know eachother slowly. Even with all this said, most dates dont work out, right? At the end of the day, who cares why. This guy just wasnt the one.
JoeNewbie Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I like what BCCA said. Keep in mind dating is not an intellectual decision but rather an emotional one. We do not choose who we are attracted to otherwise we would all want to be with that plain looking problem-free girl who communicates really well, never gets mad, always says the right thing, etc.
Author izzylicious Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 Even if they are, too, you would do yourself a favor to keep your cards closer to your chest initially. You want to get to know eachother slowly. Even with all this said, most dates dont work out, right? At the end of the day, who cares why. This guy just wasnt the one. I generally agree about opening up slowly, it was after the initial hour of phone conversation that personal things came up, and even then it was usually because he asked or offered. Mainly the conversations were playful, talking about movies/music, or we were talking about shared interests. I guess that I do have to chalk it up to yet another date that didn't work out, but overall I just really don't get why men don't value good communication with someone more than immediate physical attraction. If that's true, then how do unattractive women get in relationships?
BCCA Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I think people just find a kindered spirit, and the rest takes care of itself. Trust me, I went to enough wedding for the most unattractive people in the last few years to get where you're coming from, but sometimes people just like what they like. Communication is important, and I would find that quality awesome and the person worth pursuing, but I'm not this guy. And again, he could have just not felt that spark of romantic attraction, and there are no answers to explain that. Immediate physical attraction is what initially catches your eye about someone. I have never heard of someone later dating somebody that they originally considered flat out ugly. Sure, as time goes on, their personality might make them more attractive, but there has to be something initially to strike your curiousity. If you were asked out on one date, he at least found you somewhat physically attractive, but then his interest fizzled. It happens to the best of us.
JoeNewbie Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I guess that I do have to chalk it up to yet another date that didn't work out, but overall I just really don't get why men don't value good communication with someone more than immediate physical attraction. If that's true, then how do unattractive women get in relationships? That's a very good question and one that I've debated about on several occasions. People's priorities are different. That's why some people belong together and others don't. Some people value stability, others like a challenge. It's easy to say he wasn't attracted to you because he doesn't value good communication, but it would be much more useful for you to focus on your next date and think about the things you can improve.
Isolde Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I guess that I do have to chalk it up to yet another date that didn't work out, but overall I just really don't get why men don't value good communication with someone more than immediate physical attraction. If that's true, then how do unattractive women get in relationships? It's about finding a good match, and these unattractive women you speak of find their match eventually. Some guys are decent enough to be honest and not lead you along or put you on the back burner. This was one of them. Try to brush it off easy and don't be hard on yourself. Clearly, if this guy sees you as a friend, he does appreciate some good qualities you have, and the next guy might see them as good qualities he wants in a gf.
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