lonelygirl21 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I have been with my husband for almost 8 years now and we just do not have a relationship. He just comes home from work and just starts to play his computer game. We rarely have sex, communicate or behave like people in love. My husband always puts me down and makes me feel like I am so stupid. I am just tried of him, it seems like I can never make him happy. My husband has a habit of comparing me to other people and he thinks his ethnicity is a superior race, since he is half german and half japanese. Honestly, I do not feel I love him. The only reason why I am still with him because of our child. I just did not want my child growing up without a father since I did grew up without a father. I do not know what to do..any advice....
Tony T Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Looks like you are simply replicating the circumstances of your family of origin. Don't prolong your agony and sanctify your mistake by hanging on to something that is making your life miserable. Take stock in your life now. Disengage, get yourself together and hopefully you will find somebody you can love, have a healthy interaction with and a very long relationship with. Actually, you are much better off alone that in your present circumstances. Given your childhood experience, you may want to seek counseling to get a good grip on what a healthy and valid relationship is all about. You can do it, there is hope. You can be happy. ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION!!!
Curmudgeon Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I just did not want my child growing up without a father since I did grew up without a father. I do not know what to do..any advice.... What you can do is understand that children learn what they live. The dismissive, disrespectful and controlling way your husband treats you is precisely how your child will eventually treat you and any future spouse or partner he or she may have. Ask yourself what lessons your child is learning about love, kindness, respect, consideration, relationship, marriage, etc. in such a household. Then make your plans accordingly.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 How about getting yourself together, setting some boundaries, and working with your husband to improve your marriage? You were in love before, right?
wav Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 he thinks his ethnicity is a superior race, since he is half german and half japanese. how is that superior? any evidence to support it? or was he proud of what the germans and japanese did in WWII?
You'reasian Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 how is that superior? any evidence to support it? or was he proud of what the germans and japanese did in WWII? I think she's projecting that on to him, the important thing is that she's upset that he's not spending quality time with her - which is important. So, how can we help her get him off the computer? Well, she could always turn off the lights in the room to distract him, strip down into lingerie and approach him with a glass of champagne... that might get a rise out of him?
atwitsend Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Lonely, you need to unplug the game console and. Tell him how you feel. Ask him to go to counseling. If he mocks you or blows you off. You have to be ready to tell him you will leave him. And mean it. I would prepare things before hand. Place to stay, job, day care. I don't say this to end your marriage. I say this because sometimes a crisis is what is needed to jolt people out of their little worlds. Or leave him without telling him might be a better idea. Just a note. Saying you aren't happy and cannot live this way. And wait till he calls you. Make him go to counseling with you before you will move back with him. Don't move back before being in counseling for two months. He needs to remember his life without you. HOWEVER, you must be ready to find out that he doesn't want you back (highly unlikely). good luck
signedin2008 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I have been with my husband for almost 8 years now and we just do not have a relationship. He just comes home from work and just starts to play his computer game. We rarely have sex, communicate or behave like people in love. My husband always puts me down and makes me feel like I am so stupid. I am just tried of him, it seems like I can never make him happy. My husband has a habit of comparing me to other people and he thinks his ethnicity is a superior race, since he is half german and half japanese. Honestly, I do not feel I love him. The only reason why I am still with him because of our child. I just did not want my child growing up without a father since I did grew up without a father. I do not know what to do..any advice.... What's your race? Does he put your child down also?
Author lonelygirl21 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 my ethnicity : fijian, english, greek, pakistani, punjabi.
Author lonelygirl21 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 No he dos not put our child down but believes our child is gifted...
Author lonelygirl21 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Facts my husband believes: Germans were never conquered Japanese are very intelligent and in history were never slaves. Japan is 3X more intelligent than us Americans. My husband has this believe and sticks by it. As for marriage counseling he is not willing to participate and believes it is a waste of time. He loves his War of the World Craft game and will not give up. As for dressing sexy, he will say it looks nice but he continues to play his game..Nothing works with him. I just do not know what to do.
65tr6 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 in that case, can you go to counselling ? Or try this 1) as your husband if he can give you undivided attention....set a date 2) go to marriagebuilders.com and pull out His Needs, Her needs questionairre 3) both of you fill out the questionannaire 4) see if each one of you can meet the top 3 emotional needs 5) stop all love busters...you and him...tell him how much it hurts you when he calls you stupid or puts you down 6) see if you can communicate on regular basis or do things together. Leave the baby at the sitter and go out to catch a movie or dinner. Send him an email with invitation for a date
LakesideDream Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Facts my husband believes: Germans were never conquered Japanese are very intelligent and in history were never slaves. Japan is 3X more intelligent than us Americans. My husband has this believe and sticks by it. As for marriage counseling he is not willing to participate and believes it is a waste of time. He loves his War of the World Craft game and will not give up. As for dressing sexy, he will say it looks nice but he continues to play his game..Nothing works with him. I just do not know what to do. Time to think about escape. Your husband is delusional. While history can be manipulated some things are obvious. The total devestation of the Third Reich was complete. Germany was destroy, nearly oblitherated. Japanese 3x as intellegent... (I'm snoring). The Japanese were so intellectually bankrupt by 1944 that they resorted to sending drugged teenagers in obsolete aircraft against American Warships, because they had no other options. The Americans burned every major Japanese city without opposition. Doesen't seem smart to me. A man who would rather pretend to be a troll, or monster on a video game than interact with a live, breathing, horny gal.... is fatally flawed. Let him enjoy his fantasys.... alone.
dannydrifter Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 my ethnicity : fijian, english, greek, pakistani, punjabi. I don't have any advice for you. But I can tell you what you will probably do. You'll develop feelings for someone else and have an affair, then eventually tell your husband everything you wrote in the first post. Then you will settle at nothing less than a divorce. That's what all other unhappy wives seem to do. It's either you are totally satisfied with husband, or nothing at all in the end. You women are all the same when it comes to this stage of your marriages. None of you ever talk about what you may have done to deteriorate the marriage, it's always the husbands fault for everything. Poor you. What did you see in the sorry sucker to marry him in the first place if you are so utterly unhappy?
twoscoops Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 do you love your husband? do you feel passion for him? was he like that when you married him?
carhill Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 He needs intervention on the WOW addiction. Get him away from that and I bet his perspective will change.
Holding-On Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I have been with my husband for almost 8 years now and we just do not have a relationship. He just comes home from work and just starts to play his computer game. We rarely have sex, communicate or behave like people in love. My husband always puts me down and makes me feel like I am so stupid. I am just tried of him, it seems like I can never make him happy. My husband has a habit of comparing me to other people and he thinks his ethnicity is a superior race, since he is half german and half japanese. Honestly, I do not feel I love him. The only reason why I am still with him because of our child. I just did not want my child growing up without a father since I did grew up without a father. I do not know what to do..any advice.... I agree with Carhill that WoW (world of warcraft) is an addiction and I do think that you can get a bit of support at www.wowdetox.com. However, I would strongly suggest you read the work of the Gottmans. They take a highly scientific approach to relationship. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman) In one book: ("The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child") they did research on the importance/impact of fathers. What they found, quite surprisingly (or not) is that fathers actually have MORE of an influence on a child than the mother. However, a negative and dismissive father will negatively influence and emotionally damage his child. So a good father is worth hanging on to and a negative one worth getting away from. Hopefully this will ease a little of your fear and help you in making your decision.
marriedmumof4 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I don't have any advice for you. But I can tell you what you will probably do. You'll develop feelings for someone else and have an affair, then eventually tell your husband everything you wrote in the first post. Then you will settle at nothing less than a divorce. That's what all other unhappy wives seem to do. It's either you are totally satisfied with husband, or nothing at all in the end. You women are all the same when it comes to this stage of your marriages. None of you ever talk about what you may have done to deteriorate the marriage, it's always the husbands fault for everything. Poor you. What did you see in the sorry sucker to marry him in the first place if you are so utterly unhappy? I felt really angry after reading this reply, i am married myself and have been for nearly 4 years,we have been together nearly 10,my husband is exactly the same,so i dont really have any advice for you as i am unsure as to what i am going to myself, however i will not be looking for another mans arms to fall into as that would not be the way to go, I have never considered having an affair as all women are NOT the same so i feel he was wrong to say that to you, if a marriage is worth working on then go for it am i going to suggest marriage guidance to my husband as I refuse to be another divorce statistic, however, after saying that there comes a point when maybe it isnt worth it!!!! Do what you feel is right for yourself and good luck for your future hun.
Haner Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 how is that superior? any evidence to support it? or was he proud of what the germans and japanese did in WWII? LOL that was my reaction too. "Superior ethnicities" don't get their butts whipped in total war. The OP's husband sounds like he has a grandiose sense of glory, not on anything he's achieved, but by association of race (racism).
Surfer Dude Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Facts my husband believes: Germans were never conquered Japanese are very intelligent and in history were never slaves. Japan is 3X more intelligent than us Americans. My husband has this believe and sticks by it. As for marriage counseling he is not willing to participate and believes it is a waste of time. He loves his War of the World Craft game and will not give up. As for dressing sexy, he will say it looks nice but he continues to play his game..Nothing works with him. I just do not know what to do. Congrats on marrying a racist, insecure beta-male chump. Get out while you can. This type of man will make your life hell.
Haner Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Facts my husband believes: Germans were never conquered Japanese are very intelligent and in history were never slaves. Japan is 3X more intelligent than us Americans. My husband has this believe and sticks by it. As for marriage counseling he is not willing to participate and believes it is a waste of time. He loves his War of the World Craft game and will not give up. As for dressing sexy, he will say it looks nice but he continues to play his game..Nothing works with him. I just do not know what to do. There are plenty of men in California, dump his sorry ass. If the Japanese were 3x as intelligent than Americans, you'd think Japan's per capita GDP would be 3x as large as Americans, but it's actually only 0.85-0.90x.
Surfer Dude Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 There are plenty of men in California, dump his sorry ass. If the Japanese were 3x as intelligent than Americans, you'd think Japan's per capita GDP would be 3x as large as Americans, but it's actually only 0.85-0.90x. Economy of a nation isn't really an indication of their IQ level. This kind of talk is presumptuous and biased. Japan is an island nation with very few natural resources, they have to import nearly everything, while the US occupies half of the north American continent and is far richer in resources. Studies have shown however, that east Asians (korean, Japanese, HK) on average do have higher IQ than white people. This means nothing though, as the difference between someone with IQ of 105 and 100 is negligible. Drop this kind of talk people. Racism just shows how insecure someone really is.
Haner Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Economy of a nation isn't really an indication of their IQ level. This kind of talk is presumptuous and biased. Japan is an island nation with very few natural resources, they have to import nearly everything, while the US occupies half of the north American continent and is far richer in resources. Studies have shown however, that east Asians (korean, Japanese, HK) on average do have higher IQ than white people. This means nothing though, as the difference between someone with IQ of 105 and 100 is negligible. Drop this kind of talk people. Racism just shows how insecure someone really is. I don't know what the hell is your point. Are you trying to say I'm a racist for arguing that the Japanese aren't 3x smarter than Americans? From reading your post it seems you buy into that racist higher IQ crap that the OP's husband subscribes to (albeit 5% not 300%). My post was simply a facetious argument on the lines of "If you are so smart, how come I'm wealthier than you?" There was no attempt on my part to argue that the Japanese are 0.85-0.9x as smart as Americans. By the way, I'm East Asian and the city I'm from, Shanghai (China's largest city), has a documented average IQ of 109, but it means absolutely arse: until 2000, we didn't even have indoor plumbing in 1/3rd of the city. And I know very well the reason why Asians supposedly do higher on IQ tests, it's because the general population never takes these IQ tests, only the students in good schools from major cities. A true 5-point or 9-point advantage in IQ among the general national population would not be negligible though, it only appears negligible because the actual method used in determining national IQ is an unscientific farce. Go to Japan or China, and you will find just as many incredibly stupid and ignorant people there as here in America. And just as many racists. Here's a recent article from the New York Times on the continuing discrimination of a low caste (非人) in Japan: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/16/world/asia/16outcasts.html?_r=3&pagewanted=all
Enema Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Asians are 5% smarter than whites.... not 300%. Your husband so silly. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:IQ-4races-rotate-highres.png
Surfer Dude Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I don't know what the hell is your point. Are you trying to say I'm a racist for arguing that the Japanese aren't 3x smarter than Americans? From reading your post it seems you buy into that racist higher IQ crap that the OP's husband subscribes to (albeit 5% not 300%). My post was simply a facetious argument on the lines of "If you are so smart, how come I'm wealthier than you?" There was no attempt on my part to argue that the Japanese are 0.85-0.9x as smart as Americans. By the way, I'm East Asian and the city I'm from, Shanghai (China's largest city), has a documented average IQ of 109, but it means absolutely arse: until 2000, we didn't even have indoor plumbing in 1/3rd of the city. And I know very well the reason why Asians supposedly do higher on IQ tests, it's because the general population never takes these IQ tests, only the students in good schools from major cities. A true 5-point or 9-point advantage in IQ among the general national population would not be negligible though, it only appears negligible because the actual method used in determining national IQ is an unscientific farce. Go to Japan or China, and you will find just as many incredibly stupid and ignorant people there as here in America. And just as many racists. Here's a recent article from the New York Times on the continuing discrimination of a low caste (非人) in Japan: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/16/world/asia/16outcasts.html?_r=3&pagewanted=all Yes, I know about the burakumin in Japan. I also know about uyoku as*holes who play loud music on weekdays in Tokyo, claiming that foreigners are the cause of Japan's problems. There are racists and idiots in every land, no doubt about that. Thanks for clarifying about IQ tests in China, I didn't know those facts.
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