tinktronik Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Hello all. It's been a while. Some of you remember I'm sure my last few personal posts during the summer months. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t157206/ Well, here is the update: Our issues with my ex coming home... Well, as follow up I filed in the courts to have jurisdiction moved from one state's court to the other state's court. It was denied on the basis that the home state will not "give up" jurisdiction formally because the right to jurisdiction would present an issue in that state should the children return to the state at any time before they become 18. The state also will not hear custody issues because the children are not residents of the state. So, I'm basically still stuck in the same legal; situation with nowhere to litigate in the boy's best interest. My ex, it turned out did not split with his wife, he only said he did. I started taking trips out to his state (one week out of every month) as soon as he retrieved the boys and between the boys discomfort at hiding their living situation and the effort in having to move cars and people around when I came to get the boys from Dad's house or Dad having to meet to drop the boys off in a public place, it became apparent that the wife was still present in the home and that I was being lied to. Social services never investigated at all. My middle son has been suspended from school several times this year (for being violent toward other students and just refusing to do as asked) and is looking as an expulsion from elementary school soon ( on the next offense) if his behavior does not improve. My oldest son has told me that his Dad would not listen to anything he has to say about the abuse and that Dad has taken his Step-mother's side and he has begun parroting his dad's claims that the abuse really was not abuse but maybe just a "pop in the eye" or "a pop in the mouth". I have told the boys that in future if it happens they should tell their teachers or doctors or principal. I have told them that I am open if they want or need to talk about anything at all but have left it at that. Seeing my children in their father's environment makes me physically ill, Dad is drunk by most afternoons. Grandma spends a lot of time stressed out and angry with her son and his wife and cranky with the boys. Dad's wife has taken to writing me nasty emails. When I try to talk to my ex about our son's best interests, he retaliates with screaming and yelling, calling the boys into the room to grill them and talking over them if they said anything he did not like. He told our children and anyone else in the vicinity that I was a drug addict and a hooker, and tiraded about anything else he could regarding me to anyone who would listen, including his own mother who broke down in tears and tried to tell him to listen. I started a business on my own in July and it has been floating along, so I'm okay financially and was planning to move to Dad's state to be present and close with the boys but Dad's poor behavior towards me stresses the boys, myself, himself and his family to a very bad point. I do not know if this same stress is present in their lives when I am not there. I do not believe he is capable of behaving amicably towards me. I do not believe he is capable of co-parenting with me. I don't know if it is a good idea for me mentally to be near my children's father. I have tried to avoid him but he appears wherever I am with the boys and insists on confrontation. We all decided to have Grandma (Dad's mom) drop the kids to me as we get along well and often will lunch together when I am there but Dad will show up instead or appear in the vicinity and angry about strange trivial things, if Grandma does drop them. He will make angry scenes and then call telling me he loves me. It is all very bizarre. My plan was to move to California in the beginning of March. I just don't know if my ex can control himself where I am concerned. I also do not believe I can parent my children the way I would like while under daily attack by me ex. I left my marriage when our counselor told me that if I did not my ex would kill me. I am moving regardless, my relationship is coming to a close. I decided that my partner's issues are something that he is going to have to figure out on his own and that my shoulders are not wide enough to carry my own issues along with someone else's. I guess mostly what I am looking for here is support. I've begun attempting to distance myself from whatever issues may be going on in my ex's household with my children and have just been trying to make the most of the time I do have with them. There appears to be nothing to be done in regard to helping them within that situation but plenty to be added by my own example. So, thats all for now, I guess I just needed to share.
blind_otter Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Typing 1 handed - tink I'm SO sorry you are struggling through all this. If you need to vent, I am here. Much love, mama...
Author tinktronik Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Thanks Bot! I'm mostly just skimming along the top emotionally. I've kind of just started to see the whole thing from arms length as I don't know how to deal with it all emotionally. Some days I am angry about the whole thing, other days I feel panicky and yet others just sad or resigned. I really am at a distance emotionally from his at this point, I love my boys a lot but I don't get a decision here. It's just kind of a let them know I'm there for them, let them know I love them and hope they can make it through all of whatever is going on without being too scathed by everything. Most days, I blame myself, I never should have married or had children with someone so selfish or so redneck. Then again, what did I know at 18? I wonder if this is a huge part of the reason tons of children are growing up without fathers in this country, because their fathers are without say and emotionally battered by their ex wives? I would imagine in some cases, yes. A lot of days I just want to bail, the situation is just so messy, it would be "easier" to start over and have a child that I could actually raise. I won't ever bail from my boys lives though. As to my relationship coming to a close, I'm okay with it. M is a good guy, very sweet most of the time, interesting, loving, hyper-intelligent, but has become incapable of dealing with his own issues in life. It's time for me to move along. Maybe when we split he can figure out how to cope, that would be good for him. I would like to see him flourish, he's a very good hearted guy. I just have my own stuff and need a partner instead of someone else to help. So how's that sweet baby??? He's so cute...
blind_otter Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Baby is good. He is so focused on talking that it kind of freaks me out. He already calls me mama, or more like "mumum". He only tends to use that word when he is pissed off, tired, or very upset, and he reaches up to me. He also uses the word "nini" for when he wants to nurse. I guess that's his amalgamation of "nursies" which is the euphamism we've been using thusfar. Anyway, I can totally see how hard this must be for you. You desperately want to fix this and make it all right and it seems like your ex is constantly putting you in a precarious position. I don't know that it would be good to necessarily move to where your ex lives, but perhaps nearby - in a way that he wouldn't know where you live, but the trip to check on your boys might be easier? Is that possible?
Author tinktronik Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Baby is good. He is so focused on talking that it kind of freaks me out. He already calls me mama, or more like "mumum". He only tends to use that word when he is pissed off, tired, or very upset, and he reaches up to me. He also uses the word "nini" for when he wants to nurse. I guess that's his amalgamation of "nursies" which is the euphamism we've been using thusfar. Anyway, I can totally see how hard this must be for you. You desperately want to fix this and make it all right and it seems like your ex is constantly putting you in a precarious position. I don't know that it would be good to necessarily move to where your ex lives, but perhaps nearby - in a way that he wouldn't know where you live, but the trip to check on your boys might be easier? Is that possible? I have been flying to CA and spending a week out of every month there with the boys. I pick them up from school and spend the evenings an all weekend with them. That is very nice. It goes well between the boys and I except for the fact that the more I insert myself into their lives the more hyper-critical dad becomes toward me and the more loudly he protests to the boys about me. Moving near-by may be an answer, I have been checking rental properties about an hour north of where he lives and the area is child friendly, I suppose over the next few months I will make a decision as to where to live. I wonder if enough of this will actually sink in and take hold of the boys opinion of me over time? I have seriously been thinking about settling myself in somewhere and having my own child. I'm ending my relationship. I have untangled my finances from M's and I'm doing well financially, I have realized that my strength is nearly boundless. I just am ready to be. I don't want to argue with anyone. I do want to raise a child and I will never get the chance to raise the ones I have. I am supporting my 3 boys financially and emotionally to the extent that I am allowed. But I don't want to give up my opportunity to be a mother out of guilt for what I cannot do or un-do for them. This has been a painful decision making process to let go of what I cannot control and I feel as if it has opened my eyes to the reality of the life I DO have to live. The next few months I guess will begin to steer my future and I will spend the next year evaluating where I want to go with the rest of my life. So, lots of changes.
johan Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I have no particular advice, Tink. Just glad to see you trying to do the right thing all the time and caring so much. Also you have a clear vision and priorities. I think it's great, although I know it is very stressful and confusing. At some point it will all smooth out for you.
Author tinktronik Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I have no particular advice, Tink. Just glad to see you trying to do the right thing all the time and caring so much. Also you have a clear vision and priorities. I think it's great, although I know it is very stressful and confusing. At some point it will all smooth out for you. Thanks J. I'm really glad to hear that I am maybe making the right decision.I always feel like I am not giving enough or doing enough and second, third and fourth guess my actions. The last year has been stressful and I realized how important it is for me to back myself first so that I can back the people in my life that are important to me. I have spent too much time backing other people at my own expense when I could not "afford" to do so. I want ultimately to have my own path set out clear before me so that I can aim forward and walk toward my own goals because what benefits me ultimately benefits my children no matter their circumstances in the now. I have always believed that self-sacrifice was the answer but now I think that that is the wrong answer.
hotgurl Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 tink, If you move to the state where your kids live than couldn't you bring custody back up again?
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