BubblyPopcorn Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 This young "virgin" is definitely no prude. I think our LS ladies should sit down and have a mother/daughter talk with her. Read her past threads... Valid points Carhill. I completely agree in that the OP should NOT involve herself with a married man. That is clearly a violation, at least in my view of it. But, it is also a violation on BOTH their parts. Regardless, there's a difference between "tough love" versus ripping someone to shreds.
zenith Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I wasn't ripping anyone to shreds. It's great she's young and can learn from this now before it's too late and her name is trash all over town with no chance of getting a decent guy to go out with her, just getting losers to want to f**k and ch**k her. aren't you an angry beaver?
Kamille Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I wasn't ripping anyone to shreds. It's great she's young and can learn from this now before it's too late and her name is trash all over town with no chance of getting a decent guy to go out with her, just getting losers to want to f**k and ch**k her. What's interesting about the "reputation" argument Oregon keeps bringing up is that she seems to fail to realize not everyone thinks less of a guy or girl just because they slept in a bed with somebody else at a sleep-over party. Clearly, some people - Oregon included- judge others because of this, but not everyone does. I don't see why the OP's work environment would be any different, and I doubt her reputation is as "ruined" as some would like to believe. I do however understand Oregon's point about how important it is to learn to be 'the kind of girl a guy would want to take home to mom'. The OP seems to be in the process of learning how to draw her boundaries; I can't help but notice she felt she had to justify not wanting sex by coming up with a bunch of excuses. OP, if you don't want to have sex, you don't want to have sex. Just feel comfortable saying it - if the guy keeps insisting and needs reasons, he's a jerk. Once you realize the guy you are canoodling with is a jerk, leave or ask him to leave. as to why this perticular guy didn't call back: you're better off without him then.
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I sms-ed the next day saying "thanks for coming and sorry for being such a tease but I come to your place next time if you want me to." Why did you say this?? You're basically saying, "Call me and I'll come over to your place and have sex with you."
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 aren't you an angry beaver? you forgot ", bro" please please please bring it back I like your "bro" posts
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 thanks for coming and sorry for being such a tease but I come to your place next time if you want me to." He knows you're a virgin, knows you aren't on birth control and knows that you won't have sex unless you're in a relationship (and you're not in one with him) so you texting him that message makes no sense..IN his mind. He knows you're NOT into casual sex and that's what he wants/wanted..It didn't happen and now he's not interested. He hasn't replied and he usually does really quickly. Is this guy no longer interested in me or he likes me but is confused? He isn't confused..See above.
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 What gives you that impression? Why is it that Car Hill can come on here and give the same advice (stay out of beds with coworkers at parties when other coworkers are there, possibly in the same room) and not get ripped, but a woman posts it first and I've been called angry, judgmental, etc.? Double standard anyone? LOL Well for starters Carhill's message is not being bogged down with gratuitous put downs, he is clearly stating facts so it's easier to focus on his core message. Also you are assuming this person is easy, slutty, loose and all those other adjectives because she slept in a bed with a man and wouldn't go all the way all the while having been in the exact same shoes in the past yourself? Personally, I have 0 tollerance for reformed "anythings". That self-reightous attitude that some reformed"s" develop after they see the light is often more disgraceful an unappealing than the act they were trying to recover from. If you've been there and done that then how about showing some words of wisdom rather than shows of disgust? I'll never get why people who have also been in the shoes of someone committing a mistake show such extreme disgust unless they themselves are in disgust of themselves. And you know I would almost expect this kind of attitude from a guy, not that it's any better but men don't have to battle with their sexuality and how much to express and hold back in order to preserve a respectful character in society because in the male world it doesn't matter how trampy you are it's all good, but coming from another woman and we have ALL had to battle with this at some point in our lives due to what is expected of us in society VS what we feel as sexual beings, I find it really low that another woman sit and put down another woman for her inability to figure things out. Help her out by guiding her on making smart choices don't need to put her down for her mistakes in doing so.
You'reasian Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I do however understand Oregon's point about how important it is to learn to be 'the kind of girl a guy would want to take home to mom'. The OP seems to be in the process of learning how to draw her boundaries; I can't help but notice she felt she had to justify not wanting sex by coming up with a bunch of excuses. OP, if you don't want to have sex, you don't want to have sex. Just feel comfortable saying it - if the guy keeps insisting and needs reasons, he's a jerk. Once you realize the guy you are canoodling with is a jerk, leave or ask him to leave. as to why this perticular guy didn't call back: you're better off without him then. A friend of mine met a girl who was the kind of girl he would want to take home to mother, but she played way to many games - which lead us to wonder what her intentions were, if he could trust her etc. so he eventually stopped contacting her and it turns out the other guy she was seeing was doing the same thing to her. Talk about a viscious cycle. So why do people play games on people who want to take a gal home to meet mom? If we wanna take gals home to see mom, the gal would have to respect us first, right?
Kamille Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 A friend of mine met a girl who was the kind of girl he would want to take home to mother, but she played way to many games - which lead us to wonder what her intentions were, if he could trust her etc. so he eventually stopped contacting her and it turns out the other guy she was seeing was doing the same thing to her. Talk about a viscious cycle. So why do people play games on people who want to take a gal home to meet mom? I think you bring up a good point. For me, being 'relationship' material is more about being honest with yourself and the men you date then caring about people are going to say about you at work on Monday at work. I've done public displays of affection and even had ONS, and yet I'm still considered relationship material by many guys I date. So being relationship material isn't all about whether or not you sleep with a guy. It's more about being honest about your own needs and your own boundaries in relationship... Showing the other person that you take responsibility for yourself. I think the game players often fail to 'present' with their dates when it counts - or tend to second-guess themselves on their own boundaries.
You'reasian Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I think you bring up a good point. For me, being 'relationship' material is more about being honest with yourself and the men you date then caring about people are going to say about you at work on Monday at work. I've done public displays of affection and even had ONS, and yet I'm still considered relationship material by many guys I date. So being relationship material isn't all about whether or not you sleep with a guy. It's more about being honest about your own needs and your own boundaries in relationship... Showing the other person that you take responsibility for yourself. I think the game players often fail to 'present' with their dates when it counts - or tend to second-guess themselves on their own boundaries. I think all of us are guilty of the ONS... I think some of us just aren't forthright about what we want afterwards.
You'reasian Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 if the woman is in their building and city, and this woman has the "easy lay not the type of woman you take home to meet Mom" reputation, decent guys aren't pursuing you. A decent guy might here your name and realize you're "that girl" and he won't consider you for a relationship. If you meet guys later in life who aren't connected with your workplace/city/town/college reputation, that is a different situation. Aren't some women happy not being in a relationship and being "that girl"?
zenith Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 What gives you that impression? Why is it that Car Hill can come on here and give the same advice (stay out of beds with coworkers at parties when other coworkers are there, possibly in the same room) and not get ripped, but a woman posts it first and I've been called angry, judgmental, etc.? Double standard anyone? LOL it's OK to be angry... admitting it is the first step you forgot ", bro" please please please bring it back I like your "bro" posts um... OK.... bro
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 it's OK to be angry... admitting it is the first step um... OK.... bro :lmao: thanks. added to the top sentence would have been better but I'll take that http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tJjNVVwRCY
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I know I love it! it's so silly but I laugh like giddy 13 yr old every time especially when he calls women that "why you crying, bro?" sorry sorry sorry, ok that's enough on that topic :laugh:
Kamille Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 what you're talking about, Kamille, is different because we all have pasts, Who said I was talking about my past? Seriously, I made out with a guy at a party just last weekend, complete drunken PDA. Got asked out on a date by another guy just yesterday. He seemed to be "relationship-minded". I think the only difference between what I did and what the OP did is that I get the feeling she felt 'obliged' to justify not wanting sex, where I have an easier time establishing that boundary. No, I didn't end up in anyone's bed - but I have been in pretty much the same scenario she describes a few years ago (party, end up crashing in a bed with a guy, some making out, nothing else) and it didn't ruin my reputation in any way. I made out with a guy. I had fun. I think as long as you feel good about your actions and don't mistake a make-out session for romantic interest, you're fine. In my experience, being relationship material is about being lucid about his intentions and your intentions - it's not about making sure you have the most pristine reputation in town. I think it has more to do with with attitude then reputation. Seriously, I do all the stuff you seem to find offensive and the majority of guys I date seem to be in a rush to get me in a relationship. Or maybe guys just want to be in relationships with girls who aren't in a rush to be in one. That's a whole other thread though.
You'reasian Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Or maybe guys just want to be in relationships with girls who aren't in a rush to be in one. That's a whole other thread though. That sounds about right and is an excellent thread topic.
Storyrider Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Many a reputation has been ruined from indiscreet sleeping, Kamille!! People at work might think you have narcolepsy. Or, worse, if you sleep on polyester sheets, that you have no taste. And if you snore, you're doomed.
Kamille Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Many a reputation has been ruined from indiscreet sleeping, Kamille!! People at work might think you have narcolepsy. Or, worse, if you sleep on polyester sheets, that you have no taste. And if you snore, you're doomed. The worst worst worst are the droolers! That sounds about right and is an excellent thread topic. I think the reason a few guys see me as relationship material is because they perceive me as realistic and grounded. When I do decide to get serious with someone, it'll be because we choose to be together - not because I desperately need a relationship.
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Whatev, this has gotten off-topic. Bottom line is the OP's behavior did contribute to the outcome. I stated that from the beginning and got ripped for it. Car Hill stated the same thing and got praised for his advice. No she didn't the guy was a wanker who would have done the EXACT same thing if she waited three months to sleep with him. Though I doubt he would have stuck around for 3 months waiting to get sex, wankers want fast action or they are out.
BubblyPopcorn Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Whatev, this has gotten off-topic. Bottom line is the OP's behavior did contribute to the outcome. I stated that from the beginning and got ripped for it. Car Hill stated the same thing and got praised for his advice. The guy is not to blame here, it's her. You jump in bed with a guy at a party and get it on with him (making out, etc. to the point he's taking his d**k out) it's going to be gossip fodder at work and your reputation is shot. If you want respect from a man and to be the girl guys want to take home to meet Mom and an actual relationship, you don't get in bed getting it on at parties with coworkers, lots of people around, especially if you aren't even dating. Even if you are dating in an established relationship before the party, it's not the classiest thing to do. It is also not classy to be interested in married men, which has come to light during this thread, and sheds new light that the OP needs help! Hmm, well I guess it's classy for a woman to keep referring to other women as "f and chuckers", says the "beaver".
Kamille Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 It is also not classy to be interested in married men, which has come to light during this thread, and sheds new light that the OP needs help! And the OP is asking for advice. She is getting different advice from different people. The guy is not to blame here, it's her. You jump in bed with a guy at a party and get it on with him (making out, etc. to the point he's taking his d**k out) it's going to be gossip fodder at work and your reputation is shot. I'm not sure I understand why you're so stuck on the reputation thing. Is Oregon stuck in the victorian era or something? Again, just because some people rely on hearsay to judge others doesn't mean everyone does. Reputation is your schtick. It's important to YOU. It's not important to everyone. We disagree on what makes someone relationship material, you seem to think it's all about reputation. I think it's being grounded. I'll be honest: I don't think Taintedlove was being grounded in the interaction she describes: I think she felt like she was crossing boundaries, which is the reasons why she overjustifed herself and the reason why she went overboard on that email. I don't think her expectations of its outcome are realistic (I wouldn't expect a call back from a party hook up). But none of that has anything to do with reputation: it's more about being honest with yourself. As to the Carhill/you issue, I guess it's just that Carhill didn't exactly approach it the same way you did: I do get what you're trying to convey to Tainted love: be smart about how you negotiate sexually charged situations. But it reads like it's coming from a very judgemental place. Carhill's comments are, as he says, more 'fatherly'.
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Sorry but a young woman needs to look at her behavior. He's a guy. She jumped into bed with him at a party with people around, and got it on with him, possibly with other acquaintances there to witness in the same room. Then he is getting called a jerk for thinking she was easy and thinking she might be the type to put out??? Sorry but this is not wayout there illogical thinking on his part. She is not one innocent party here as you are leading us to believe. Not whatsoever. Listen a young man needs to watch his reputation as well actually no one wants to end up with a desperate wanker. She offered to let him sleep on the floor and he wanted to sleep on the bed with her and she allowed him provided he would behave, then they got to fooling around a bit and when she felt he was pushing beyond her comfort zone she said NO. They slept in the same bed cuddling all night the next morning he turned into a baby, ignored her and left all disinterested and bothered. That's what wankers do. If he were cool he would have taken that as a possiblity to get to know her some more to get to the point where he wants to with her in time, but clearly he is not interested in that he just wanted to get off and he turned into a sucky baby when things didn't pan out for him. He's no prize himself so stop pinning all this on the girl. A woman has every right to say no when she means no. There were a bunch of people crashing at a party on NYE it's not like she invited him back to her place got naked with him in her bed and told him NO I don't want to go futher because I want a relationship. She's a virgin she doesn't want to go all the way they layed in the same bed and made out BIG DEAL. GEt over it, it's not as bad as you are making out to be. And no not all of us women have your sketchy past but not all of us have all the incredibly STUPID hangups you have about appearances and putting on some pristeen show for others to think you are something you clearly are not. I respect what this woman did much more than some act you are encouraging her to put on for the sake of hyper criticals such as yourself. What's your beef, beave?
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I'm not sure I understand why you're so stuck on the reputation thing. Is Oregon stuck in the victorian era or something? Again, just because some people rely on hearsay to judge others doesn't Seriously!! :laugh: Look at the comments she/he was making in Rod's thread about PDA's. She has such hang-ups with "adults kissing in public". I personally love PDA, if I feel like sucking face with a guy in public no prejudice of any onlooker is going to stop me, I do what I feel when I feel like and if you don't like what you see look the other way. BOO!
D-Lish Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 And the OP is asking for advice. She is getting different advice from different people. I'm not sure I understand why you're so stuck on the reputation thing. Is Oregon stuck in the victorian era or something? Again, just because some people rely on hearsay to judge others doesn't mean everyone does. Reputation is your schtick. It's important to YOU. It's not important to everyone. We disagree on what makes someone relationship material, you seem to think it's all about reputation. I think it's being grounded. I'll be honest: I don't think Taintedlove was being grounded in the interaction she describes: I think she felt like she was crossing boundaries, which is the reasons why she overjustifed herself and the reason why she went overboard on that email. I don't think her expectations of its outcome are realistic (I wouldn't expect a call back from a party hook up). But none of that has anything to do with reputation: it's more about being honest with yourself. As to the Carhill/you issue, I guess it's just that Carhill didn't exactly approach it the same way you did: I do get what you're trying to convey to Tainted love: be smart about how you negotiate sexually charged situations. But it reads like it's coming from a very judgemental place. Carhill's comments are, as he says, more 'fatherly'. As always Kammie- Balanced and objective. I am glad I don't live in the Victorian Era- my recent trip to Florida would have been TOO hot in those corsets and robes. Plus- the carriage ride would have taken me too long.... and I couldn't have gone unescorted to the beach. Crap, I'd have been tried as a witch for some of the good times I had. If I posted my trip antics... The Beav would go Cleaver on me.
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